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72 Days, $18 Million: Who Would You Marry For That Pay Day?

By Sarah Carlson | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (57)

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We’ll give reality star Kim Kardashian the benefit of the doubt and assume her brief marriage to NBA player Kris Humphries was legitimate and not simply a publicity stunt. But what if it were? Much of the goodies for their lavish wedding were donated, and the combined endorsements, TV and magazine deals reportedly brought Kardashian $18 million, a sum she and her family adamantly deny. That’s quite a pay day for a marriage that lasted 1,728 hours, give or take. More than $10,000 an hour, actually.

So: If you had the chance to take part in a sham wedding with a celebrity, putting up with them for a few months’ engagement (Humphries popped the question May 18, and he and Kardashian married Aug. 20) before a brief — let’s say 72 days — marriage, would you do it? Think about it: $18 million. Times are tough; Wall Street is still frakking occupied, for Pete’s sake. Would you swap integrity for financial freedom?

Marrying an A-list celebrity isn’t an option, obviously. B-listers would be out of your league as well. Let’s head to the D-list. Interestingly, as I pondered how low I would go when it comes to gross celebs, several unbearable comedians came to mind. I could marry Dane Cook, but only if I could get him to be silent. Being hitched to Jeff Dunham could be perversely worth the trauma if I were able to set his puppets on fire while he watched — and cried. But, I admit, I can only stoop so low.

I’ve got to draw the line somewhere:

carrotjuice3.jpg

Nope, can’t do it. Won’t. No.

How about you, Pajibians? Some of you are above this, surely. But others … I bet you could go lower than Carrot Top. So, who would you marry for $18 million?

Sarah Carlson has a front-row seat to the decline of the newspaper industry and lives in Alabama. And even though she loves redheads, she’s not a fan of carrots.









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Comments

Gotta throw some names out there, because I am just as ignorant to "d listers" as I am to "A" listers.

Posted by: Candee at November 2, 2011 12:34 PM

Courtney Stodden

I forget who said it the other day, but I saw some "sexy" Halloween pictures of her yesterday. Totally a seventeen year-old's stab at what is perceived as sexy.

Posted by: pissant at November 2, 2011 12:34 PM

Do I have to have sex with him (whomever the random d lister is)? Or is it one of "those" marriages?

Posted by: klingonfree at November 2, 2011 12:40 PM

I can't believe this comment diversion was suggested by the woman who used to bone George Clooney.

(I know you're not really THAT Sarah Carlson, wink wink nudge nudge.)

Posted by: BWeaves at November 2, 2011 12:44 PM

One of the Jersey Shore boys. Sure, he'd call me fat all throughout our "marriage", but I'd know about his tiny dick so we'd be even. That and all the money.

Posted by: katy at November 2, 2011 12:51 PM

Bob Saget. It'd be shameful, but entertaining-shameful.

Posted by: heatheradair at November 2, 2011 12:59 PM

I have to go with a VH1 or better reality TV star. I would also require the 72 day contract to state no sexual activity. Do you know what kind of super STDs are bred on VH1 dating show sets? I don't want to.

Posted by: Robert at November 2, 2011 12:59 PM

I can't remember the context, but my BFF once responded with the following, "OF COURSE, I would pee on someone for money!". It became a game for us: "What would you charge to pee on someone?". My male friend said $20. When I called him a cheap slut, he pointed out that all he would have to do is point and shoot whereas I, as a woman, would have to make more of an effort.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien Would Never Post Such a Vulgar Comment at November 2, 2011 1:01 PM

If it meant total financial freedom; if it meant the ability to put my daughter through college/university in 17 years; if I didn't have to actually have sex with him...

I'd marry Kevin Federline.

Posted by: Pea at November 2, 2011 1:06 PM

$18 mil is a lot of dough. I'd do awful, horrible things for less so a sham marriage (assuming both parties are in on it and no consummation is necessary) would be cake. It would be a shorter list of who I *wouldn't* fake marry.

Posted by: Paultera at November 2, 2011 1:10 PM

No sex, just a bit of fake kissy for the cameras? Hell, there's no-one I would't fake-marry if that was the deal.

Posted by: pem at November 2, 2011 1:18 PM

Hmm. Do I have to bang this hypothetical wife? It makes a very slight difference to how low I'd sink.

Posted by: Caspar at November 2, 2011 1:23 PM

Ick! Bobcat Goldthwaite....shit, I can't even spell my new married name, but for 18 mil, I'd learn, and I'd do him too!

Posted by: Kirbyjay at November 2, 2011 1:40 PM

I would marry Michael K and I'd do it for the 18 million snark-infested laughs I'd earn instead of the payola.

Posted by: NeoCleo at November 2, 2011 1:53 PM

Sadly, for $18mm, there isn't a person alive I'd not marry...unless of course, they were missing part of their face or had that weird "tree man" wart disease. Because...ugh.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at November 2, 2011 1:56 PM

No physical contact allowed, and I would marry a d-lister. There a lot of things I would do for that kind of money, but I won't do that. And now I have that Meatloaf song in me head. Great!

Posted by: Dingle Berry at November 2, 2011 1:57 PM

Mel Gibson. I could live with 72 days of blow jobs and jacuzzis for that kind of cash.

Posted by: TheEmpress at November 2, 2011 1:57 PM

Having sex with the person is obviously out of the question, but do I also have to sleep in the same room? If we can set up a separate bedroom kind of situation I could marry anyone for 72 days for that much money. If we share a bedroom, I would draw the line much higher up the celebrity food chain.

Posted by: Austin at November 2, 2011 1:57 PM

Kenny G.
It would be freaky...!!

Posted by: Kenny G. at November 2, 2011 2:09 PM

I'd dress up as a woman and have a gay wedding with Rosie O'Donnel for 72 days, I'd marry Ann Coulter if I could find the right doctor to treat and prevent penis frostbite, but I'd draw the line at Lisa Lampinelli. No amount of money is worth Lisa Lampinelli.

Posted by: Devil Child at November 2, 2011 2:11 PM

Yes. Yes I would. I don't even care who. Unless sex is involved, in which case probably not, or at least the list would get much shorter. But if all we have to do is get married and be seen wandering around together, hell yes. I can just remarry my current husband later, right (hey, we'd even be able to have a way more expensive wedding than we did the first time!)? And then milk that for more money with all the "Kittyface Returns to her True Love! 'I Made A Terrible Mistake,' she said." stories before fading back into blissful obscurity with my millions. Right?

So, yes. Hell yes.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at November 2, 2011 2:13 PM

The only good thing to come of this sham/post is the use of the word FRAKKING.

Posted by: layla at November 2, 2011 2:21 PM

Assuming that a Prenuptial agreement would keep the other party's hands off my money and an effective tax rate of about 40%: Pee-Wee Herman. A sham gay marriage with a pervert is totally worth $10.2 million.

Posted by: Garry at November 2, 2011 2:23 PM

I'd marry a zombie Hitler for that much money. And screw him too.

Posted by: googergieger at November 2, 2011 2:30 PM

Hell, I'd marry Geep for that kind of cash. And i'd let him put it anywhere.....

18 million buys a lot of Purell and therapy.

Posted by: Rubble44 at November 2, 2011 2:47 PM

I would not only marry Carrot Top for that, but looking at how much my mom's meds cost I would do it even if sex was part of the agreement. I feel like if I took my contacts off I could pretend it was George Weasley...

Posted by: Donut Plains at November 2, 2011 2:47 PM

Shatner...I would marry Shatner.

Posted by: Guinness Leary at November 2, 2011 2:51 PM

NeoCleo, Michael K is the best!

Also, I would marry Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh for money. But there will be a no-sex clause in the pre-nup.

Posted by: severine at November 2, 2011 3:05 PM

I think you all should pay ME that kind of money for making me think about sex with ANY of these beasts. I need Ajax for the brain. Gross.

Posted by: klingonfree at November 2, 2011 3:11 PM

18 million buys a lot of Purell and therapy.

^^ That. Just that. ^^

I mean, look, if you said 18 mil but you have to stay married and/or have sex with whatever dregs of humanity for *the rest of your LIFE*, that'd be one thing. But 72 days? Totally do-able. I think I've had migraines that lasted 72 days. I survived.

Posted by: MM at November 2, 2011 3:31 PM

18 million? I would fake marry and real fuck pretty much anyone for that.

Posted by: Morosey at November 2, 2011 4:11 PM

So for $18 million most people would marry most other people? I knew being rich had its perks! And here I went to a liberal arts college to study writing and movies and other non-monetary generating things, when I could have been playing the stock market before the economy tanked.

:sigh:

If only this desk were a time desk...

Posted by: RobP at November 2, 2011 4:11 PM

And Morosey rockets into EE contention!!!

Posted by: PissBoy at November 2, 2011 4:15 PM

also...

ditto. Hell, it could be Chaz Bono. And I would take. Spitting on the tip completely optional.

Posted by: PissBoy at November 2, 2011 4:16 PM

Wait...now I feel compelled to explain myself because that seemed like a cheap shot.

It's nothing against Chaz Bono or anything. It just has everything to do with sessytime in the butthole place...Hetero- or Homo-...just isn't my bag. I can see the taboo of it and all that and I get it. Have had it before, didn't like it...not in the "Oh...look at what I'm doing!" kinda way. It was just another place to "dot the i" so to speak. i dunno. Coulda been the chick involved that made it forever not-so-appealing. She was kinda a dirty sloot. Not to mention all the ridiculous jokes/one-liners I wanted to lay on her. Like if we were at a bar..."Excuse me miss, may I push in your stool?"

I just didn't want someone to boil this down to "Oh...he'll have a homosexual experience for money...blah blah blah" type of deal. Not that I wouldn't have a homosexual experience for money. Hell, everyone would. EVERYONE would. Everyone has a price. It's just that Chaz Bono is who immediately came to mind when i tried to think of the least attractive person I could (based 100% on physical appearance alone). He doesn't look like a man, nor does he look like a woman. He looks like a 15 year old boy with an affinity for cake, trying desperately to grow that dirt-stache/dirt-beard that EVERY guy in highschool tries to grow. I was already 15. I know that dirt-stache. I had one. And I was a fucking annoying prick when I was 15. Socially awkward. Curious smell about me. Hormones raging. And I would hate to get jammed in the tooter by a 15 year old me is what it basically boils down to.

Posted by: PissBoy at November 2, 2011 4:27 PM

So, the claim here is that some d-list celebrity marriages aren't for money / career advancement?

Fascinating.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at November 2, 2011 4:40 PM

Jon Gosselin. Hell, for $18 million, I'd even throw in some babysitting for that litter of his.

Posted by: Kraken at November 2, 2011 4:53 PM

Anyone feeling a bit too content with life today? Go read the comments on this. http://kimkardashian.celebuzz.com/2011/11/01/a-message-to-my-fans/

Posted by: Paultera at November 2, 2011 5:08 PM

PissBoy, just letting you know that not all gay male sex is anal, dude. Coincidentally, the latest Savage Love has the same conflation come up in one of the letters (by a gay male who wanted a dominant partner but didn't like anal)...

Posted by: jg at November 2, 2011 5:11 PM

Hmm....Snooki? Kathy Griffen? Any of the second-rate Glee girls? Hell there's a significant number of "actresses" floating around L.A. at any given time. If they were fodder in a slasher film, do they count as a celeb?

Posted by: NateS1973 at November 2, 2011 5:11 PM

Fuck that! If I’m gay and I got to put up with society’s bullshit about being gay. The lest I can do is enjoy hitting some guy in the seat, if not, what’s the point in being gay?

Posted by: Pookie at November 2, 2011 7:39 PM

Madoff. Fuck it, for $18 million I would marry Michael Vick too. Would spend part of new found wealth having them both "disappear" but worth every penny.

Posted by: The Woo at November 2, 2011 8:00 PM

And my fucking point is proven. You can't make any kind of comment on this site without someone fucking lecturing you. No shit jg!

Posted by: PissBoy at November 2, 2011 8:48 PM

jg...and apparently for you, that's the only way. Except with a stick.

Let a motherfucker make a comment once in a while for comment's sake.

Posted by: PissBoy at November 2, 2011 8:55 PM

As someone who's currently unemployed...hell, I'd gaymarry Carrot Top for $2k. My standards are not high.

Posted by: Arran at November 2, 2011 11:12 PM

Kathy Griffin. (I have a thing for gingers, even obnoxious ones.)

Hell, I'd even have sex w/ her. $18 mil buys a lot of therapy.

Posted by: Uncle JR at November 2, 2011 11:13 PM

As much as I would love the money. I truly believe I wouldn't marry for a huge, quick pay-off. It feels like selling your soul to the devil and I can't take that kind of thing lightly.

I think that whole family is shameful. Although I like Khloe. I can't watch them on tv. You should have talent to get paid to be on tv. Sadly 85% of programming would not exist today if that were the case.

Posted by: Candy at November 3, 2011 1:14 AM

Tyson Beckford. Do they have to be ugly?

Posted by: elleinad at November 3, 2011 1:47 AM

Kendra!

But I'd ask for $25 mil and settle no lower than $20.

And now that we're just haggling over the price:

Secretariat Jessica Parker, $10 mil and two paper bags.

Teeth Roberts, $12 mil and one of those Hannibal Lecter masks.

Kourtney Kardashian, $15 mil. That's the one who isn't Kim and isn't the ugly one, right?

LiLo, $17,999,999.99 9/10, just like at the gas pump.

Hillary Clinton: No, thanks.

Nancy Grace: Here, here's a blank check, you fill in the numbers, just keep away from meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Posted by: , at November 3, 2011 1:52 AM

I'd march bravely and boldly into the abyss (like the men at the end of Full Metal Jacket whistling the theme song to the Mickey Mouse Club as the jungle in 'Nam exploded all around them).

For that amount of cash, and that short amount of time, I would be known as Mrs. Limbaugh-O'Reilly-Gingrich-Beck.

BOOM!

GET SOME!

Posted by: scorzi at November 3, 2011 8:47 AM

Lindsay Lohan. I win, for sheer bravery alone b/c you know I'm gonna catch something. $18 million can buy a lot of penicillin.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at November 3, 2011 8:53 AM

I wouldn't need a no-sex clause in the agreement, but for some of the worst possibilities, there'd have to be a no-speak clause. Beck, Limbaugh, Herman Cain, Gingrich, etc. Otherwise I'd never last the 72 days. Not without a murder charge.

Posted by: Wednesday at November 3, 2011 9:17 AM

For $18 mil, I'd marry and fuck Flava Flav.

Posted by: Carolina Girl at November 3, 2011 10:12 AM

Carolina,

I'm not judging, but he looks like his mouth would be like biting on tinfoil.

Posted by: scorzi at November 3, 2011 10:56 AM

First of all, it seems like sex should be a requirement. Can't risk the celeb seeking an anullment due to lack of "closing the deal." Then again, I know shit about this and am basing my thoughts on a an episode of Arrested Development, so I'm probably completely wrong about that.

Also, for $18 million? I'd marry/fuck just about anyone. Actually I'd probably do that without the money too. I'm easy...or desperate. Take your pick. To prove that point, I'm going to go ahead and say Cloris Leachman.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at November 3, 2011 11:01 AM

PissBoy: Didn't understand that you did know. Sorry.

Posted by: jg at November 3, 2011 11:34 AM

YAY! Socrates is back!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 3, 2011 12:07 PM