Hangover Theater
Harry Hamlin and Harryhausen of the Dog
Clash of the Titans / Ranylt Richildis
I bring you a slight deviation from parameter with this week’s Hangover Theater. Since I live in Bizarro Cable Land (aka Canada), researching — or even giving a fuck about — this weekend’s US cable offerings wasn’t worth the hassle. We foreign ‘Jibans are used to approaching this column hypothetically, and we can all recognize a “comfy cable favorite” (as TK calls it) no matter which time zone it’s airing in. I can write about Desmond Davis’ Clash of the Titans because it’s safe to assume that Titans will be coming to a TV screen near you this summer, if not this weekend; such are the clockwork meanderings of perennial cable standbys. Furthermore, Titans is the perfect movie to wake up to, rock-eyed and rag-mouthed, after a Friday night Jim Beam throw-down. So fold this title into your memory banks and don’t hesitate to scroll for it on those remorseful mornings, when the first thing you reach for is the scuzzed-over highball you set on the closest surface the night before, and when the second thing you reach for is your remote — because there’s no way in Hades you’re getting off your back until that sun is so far over the yard-arm, it’s half sunk in the Ionian Sea. When you’re too grilled even to lurch across the room to choose a DVD from your own collection, you could do worse than one of the finest sword-and-sandal clunkers ever made.
First, let me explain about the image. I know it’s a little indulgent. I could have gone with this, which is more fitting, since writhing scalp-snakes and a stone dead stare evoke hangover in many of us, I’m sure. I might have gone with this image, too (ooh, pretty), or this (Calibos would take pelt-tongue and morning-after-the-night-before breath in stride), but the moment I spotted the Gay Perseus series, there was no turning back. Thank you, Google, for fertilizing my Uranian fantasies. Hangover Theater is all about the therapeutic, so let me cure the ills of our non-lesbian female and non-het male readership (and hell, with all the so-called “man-crushes” circulating around this site like the sexiest pox ever, Gay Perseus’ charm might penetrate deeper than I expected). Hangover Theater has one job to do: distract our Dionysian readers from their morning-after pains. Behold Gay Perseus, supine on the sand, be-oiled and soft-focused into ripe anticipation. That enigmatic, if you only knew what I’m thinking smile on his lips is the antidote. You may not have the loins to do anything about it, but you can gaze back with slap-happy appreciation and, for a moment, not want to die.
( … )
Harry Hamlin’s shanks may have been roasted to tenderness back in 1981, but they’re not the reason we’re gathered here today. They’re not what made me fall in love with this flawed little wonder in the 80s, when a pay-per-view network aired Clash of the Titans for free, one promotional weekend (I repeat: this movie lives in your television). I was spending the afternoon on my grandmother’s rug, bored out of my mind; picture my delight when I stabbed on the TV and saw a rotoscoped eagle land on Mount Olympus and turn into Poseidon. Did you know Olympus is peopled with the likes of Laurence Olivier, Maggie Smith, Claire Bloom and Ursula Andress? Did you know Burgess Meredith lives in a cat-infested amphitheatre in Joppa, in the Kingdom of Phoenicia? Clash of the Titans gives damned good Greek, the kind Hollywood invented in the 1950s right around the time it invented major cinematic anachronisms. There’s no better chicken soup than chitons and pillars and a cast weighted with Old Vic regulars who’ve transposed their Shakespearean bag of tricks onto cheap celluloid. Olivier as Zeus — for instance — bursts with ham stuffing when he tells Perseus that his magic shield “has the power [longing thespian gasp] to render its wearer [longing thespian gasp] invisible…” Maggie Smith (God love her), as Thetis, walks the set like it’s the most reasonable set she’s ever trod and speaks her lines like they’re the most reasonable lines ever written. The whole thing’s a hippodrome of dumb, but she’s having none of it, old sock, and perseveres. So does Hamlin the Himbo, who’s leagues out of his depth and wooden in contrast even to random Old Vic palace guards and random Old Vic Joppa citizens. I’m not sure why, but I love those moments.
I love this crazy, lopsided movie. Titans, at its most basic, is about a rivalry between two gods and their demigod offspring (sidebar to undergrads: don’t crib notes for your Mythology 101 class off a film that can’t even get its title right). Perseus, a half-mortal son of Zeus, is good-hearted, so naturally he gets to be favored and hot. Calibos (Neil McCarthy), a half-mortal son of Thetis, has been a toxic little ponce, so Zeus deforms him. When his bride to be, the princess Andromeda (Judi Bowker), spurns him in disgust, Thetis and Calibos make life difficult for the city of Joppa. Suitors are ordered to solve a riddle given to the princess each night by Calibos. Solve the riddle, win the girl and the kingdom; fail, and burn at the stake. Thanks to a trove of god-forged weapons, Perseus believes he’s up for any challenge, even — despite every last odd — an intellectual one. He enlists the help of Burgess Meredith, Pegasus, Bubo the automaton owl (plugging into RD-D2 love in those halcyon Lucas days), Stygian witches, and Medusa’s head, and he motivates his troops with rusty clarion calls like “It’s time for action, not words!” and “I have found my destiny!” It all takes place against a backdrop of lapis-blue skies, bleached columns, bubbling bogs and mosaicked halls, and I defy you not to feel affection for Hamlin and Bowker, two dolomite-dumb beauties who bat cow-eyes at each other and make plans to rule as King and Queen of the Joppa prom.
If any of this appeals to your inner sot, hold onto your stubby because it gets better. The fantasy will ramp up your fever dreams, but it’s the special effects that will add a tincture of surreal to your hangover blend. The effects also happen to be the film’s greatest asset. As many readers already know, Titans is a legend because of Ray Harryhausen’s stop-motion artistry, which (so goes the bitching) was perfected two blockbusters too late; Star Wars was still a laser-gleam in society’s collective eye, and Raiders of the Lost Ark simulcasted Titans into Mojito mash when it opened the same weekend. None of this deterred Harryhausen, who co-produced the film and (if IMDb is to be believed) shared the effects work with just one extra set of hands. The post-Lucas generation is split down the middle about the results. You either love them or you hate them. Lovers admire the storybook feel the effects give to the action — it’s like watching the world’s most animated pop-up book — and haters dismiss the effects because they want their movies to look true to life. Lovers appreciate any kind of stylized design onscreen and the extraordinary texture of Harryhausen’s creatures; they’re the people who prefer the 3-D heft of Carpenter’s The Thing beasties over Raimi’s barren Spiderman. Haters are futurists who’re always eager to witness the next great tech. As always, it all comes down to aesthetics, and “true to life” isn’t something I’ve ever expected to find on a movie screen, anyway (our culture still isn’t over its quaint privileging of “realism” in art). Harryhausen’s bestiary is a little shaggy in places, but in other places it continues to work. Pegasus and Bubo appeal immensely, the watery destruction of the city of Argos has impact, and the Medusa scene is a work of visual art, with its fiery reds and gleaming coppers and one-of-a-kind movie Gorgon. Titans is full of walking sculptures that make up a gallery worth preserving.
One of the reasons this film is prime hangover helper is the fact that it’s based on myth. As my colleagues have argued, Hangover movies should be plotted along low hums that can lull you to sleep and be simple enough to recover, story-wise, should you doze off into salutary oblivion. Nothing is as graven on our minds as myth. Even if you aren’t familiar with the story of Perseus, its formula (as presented here, anyway) is archetypal: angry king throws baby into sea; gods intervene and let baby come of age in pastoral seclusion; grown hero is thrust into the world and falls in love; sandals are worn, swords are wielded, and adventures are had by all. If you’ve got one fairy tale or one legend in your pocket already, chances are you don’t need to wake up your imagination to follow the plot; archetypal stories are easy on the Scotch-rotted mind. There’s no erring if you find yourself drifting in and out of consciousness, because you’ve been culturally fashioned to fill in the gaps with barely a nudge of effort. And the last thing you want, when you’re dry-heaving on the couch and wondering if you can get a piece of toast down, is the unexpected; myth isn’t just effortless, it’s also comfortable. Look back on your Saturday morning cartoon-marathon stupors, and consider how much your nostalgia rests on the appeal of folklore patterns cycled out in hypnotic colors. There isn’t a whiff of irony or a tinge of complexity in this movie’s rendering of functions, so you can barely-awake its ass and still remember scenes days later (the walking sculptures will help your recall). I doubt the remake that’s being jigged by Louis Leterrier (Transporter 2, The Incredible Hulk) will have the same sweet core of earnestness, or the same degree of texture in its special effects. But damned if I won’t feel compelled to see it anyway. We need more myth movies, for hangover balm or otherwise.
Ranylt Richildis lives in Ottawa, Canada. She can be found sneezing in college libraries or dropping chalk in lecture halls, but she’s somehow managed to squeeze in a film or two a day for the last decade.
The Enchantress of Florence | | Pajiba Love 07/09/08 |
Comments
Yes! Harryhausen! Good pick.
Posted by: Some Guy at July 9, 2008 2:13 PM
My employer let me see the Medusa image and the Calibos image, but blocked that second one. Now I have to check this out at home. I used to love Harry Hamlin. He and Jimmy Smits were the main reasons I watched "LA Law."
Posted by: rlr260 at July 9, 2008 2:23 PM
"Who's?" You mean "whose," I think.
Harryhausen's work is magnificent, and was the state of the art long before Lucasfilm, Dykstra and Pixar.
And what do you want from myth? A complex story? If it's one of those you want, try reading Homer while hung over. That'll make you psychotic.
"Who's out of his league" = contraction for "who is out of his league." Because he is. In a good way. -- RR
Posted by: The Wanderer at July 9, 2008 2:24 PM
Now that I read it, good review as well. I hold a place in my heart for the old-schoolers of effects wizards out there. But it is a school that is slowly dying off. There are few out there alive today who have such an intimate past with the evolution of film like Harryhausen does.
Posted by: Some Guy at July 9, 2008 2:25 PM
I love this movie.
Posted by: Kolby at July 9, 2008 2:25 PM
Sweet Moses, I loved this movie when I was a kid. LOVED IT! I owned it, my grandparents owned it (actually taped it off of HBO) and whenever I got unruly, they'd pop this in and I'd be glued to the goddamed screen, every time. Imagine my giddy delight when I received the toys for it and could act along with it... Years later, the Calibos action figure took starring role as Satan when my GI Joes found a wormhole to hell...
Ah, memories. Awesome review!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 9, 2008 2:26 PM
Jeezum cripes, I still remember when the Sears Christmas catalog came and the goddam Krakendude was in it and I circled it about fifty times with a thick black packing marker, thus indicating it was the only thing I wanted for Christmas that year. When it came... oh sweet, merciful Sheeba... Years later, Krakendude took the starring role as a reincarnation of Satan (aka Calibos) when the Joes were trying to escape from hell... Good times...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 9, 2008 2:40 PM
This movie is fairly ubiquitous. I've seen it on at least 2 movie cable channels here in India. As a kid I thought the Medusa bit was cool.
Posted by: Lilac at July 9, 2008 2:50 PM
Obviously some of the folks at Pixar still remember their roots since in Monsters Inc. the restaurant Billy Crystal's one-eyed character brought his date to was called "Harry Hausen's".
Posted by: JackSnit at July 9, 2008 2:58 PM
I had a huge crush on Tim Pigott-Smith (Thallo, last guard to die, stabbed by Calibos) when I was little. My parents owned this movie on laserdisk. I also used to hide in the dining room during the scene where Perseus hunted Medusa. I finally watched that scene when I was 12. Lastly, I remember that in the aforementioned scary scene, as Perseus hides behind a pillar, sword poised to deliver the killing blow, his nostrils make perfect triangles.
Also, that silver sword be so pretty.
Posted by: Kermit at July 9, 2008 3:18 PM
Was it just me or did any of you guys about my age (mid-30's) think that scorpians were really giant-sized crustaceans with the power to kill? The first time I saw a real one I was sooooo disappointed.....
Posted by: michelle at July 9, 2008 3:20 PM
And more Squeeeeeee for me today!! I have adored this movie since the first time I saw it, on (iirc) HBO, back in the wee early days of cable television's existence. I was 10 and had an ENORMOUS crush on Harry Hamlin. I love the battle with the giant ridiculous blatantly superimposed scorpion, and Bubo the owl and Burgess Meredith (the Penguin? as a good guy!?). And there were days I wanted to be Medusa. Snakes for hair!? Like totally rad! Oh the lazy afternoons I have spent ever since watching this on TBS, USA, channel 11... I have thought 1,000,000 times about getting it on DVD, but that kind of ruins the experience of laying around on the living room floor, using commercials to get more snacks (or go dry heave over the toilet...)
Awesome, Ranylt. Way to totally capture my childhood. And next time I'm hung over, I'm flicking through channels until I find this.
AB, I highly recommend owning a copy, as it does have the power to improve your life. For instance, the lucious Mr. Ranylt decided I was a keeper when he saw CotT in my collection on our third date. It is a movie that can make you friends and influence people, yo. -- RR
Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at July 9, 2008 3:25 PM
Oh WOW, I used to watch this movie endlessly when I was a kid. I still get creeped out by the giant scorpions that grew from the claymation drops of blood and I still want a robot owl. Robot owl! With cute little noises!!!
I so need to own a copy of this thing. I wonder if anyone has looked at the sales trends on amazon and ebay following a pajiba shout out?
Posted by: Sharon at July 9, 2008 4:28 PM
I think I've owned a copy of this in various forms since I was about 6 years old (29 now). It was a favorite of mine to put on my little t.v. in my bedroom to lull me to sleep on Sunday nights. Then, as I grew older, it was more to keep me occupied in my darkened apartment all day Sunday after booze fueled Saturday nights.
Great review Ranylt! I think this movie is one of the reasons I was a "keeper" in my now husbands eyes too.
Posted by: CherryPie at July 9, 2008 4:29 PM
I owned this movie, then my mother stole it. Yes. My mother.
We have fights over who Perseus (as played by Harry Hamlin) would have chosen, me or her, if Andromeda wasn't in the picture.
Generally I win, as I'm willing to talk about all the nasty things I'd do to him and she still spells out anything having to do with D-O-W-N T-H-E-R-E.
Posted by: Ava at July 9, 2008 4:31 PM
Great review, yes! This is one of the few movies that if I flip past the channel, I can't NOT watch it, until the very end. Right up there with Jaws, the Godfather, and the Goonies.
That would be a good Diversion- movies you simply HAVE to watch if you know they are on.
Posted by: nancy at July 9, 2008 4:41 PM
You go Ava!
Posted by: Brigette at July 9, 2008 4:49 PM
My Latin I class was graded on how well we payed attention (the standards aren't very high) to this movie last year. By far, it was the most enjoyable movie we watched that year.
Posted by: Alyssa at July 9, 2008 5:05 PM
Fun review - fun movie! And I must point out that there is a kid's book series (very popular) with these same plots and characters (mostly). It's by Rick Riordan. Series title is "Percy Jackson and the Olympians". For a moment I thought the third book was "Clash of the Titans" but it turns out to be The Titan's Curse. Oh well, same plot but juvenilized. A bunch of kids whose parents are gods/goddesses of Olympia, are sent to a special summer camp for demi-gods. Occasionally they have to go on quests and save the world or at least Olympia. And they're pitted against each other by their parents. Best of all for the boozehounds, a completely wasted Dionysus (sp?) runs the camp. It's the junior book equivalent of this movie.
Posted by: libraryliz at July 9, 2008 5:38 PM
Harryhausen is a god.
I also first saw this in school--watched it in English class after a unit on mythology. Good stuff.
Posted by: frumpiefox at July 9, 2008 6:03 PM
Wow! Great review. I love this damn movie and now will make a point to search out a copy of my own. It's is vital.
I actually think we had a copy on BETA when I was a kid! I probably wore the thing out watching it so many times, but then again it was on constant rotation on HBO back in the day so a copy wasn't really necessary.
Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at July 9, 2008 6:31 PM
This is one of the movies that casts a spell over me, and compels me to sit and watch it whenever it appears on the tube. I own a DVD of it, and yet when it appears on TBS or TNT I sit and watch it. I was in a cheap motel room one summer, where I could only get grainy reception on a few channels, and there it was, on a Spanish station. I no habla Espanol, and still I sat and watched it. Perseus esta muy caliente in Espanol! Si!
Posted by: lil_a at July 9, 2008 6:36 PM
[sigh]
I do love this movie. Thanks, RR.
ps - totally didn't realize that was Maggie Smith!
Posted by: TK at July 9, 2008 7:22 PM
I watched this movie endlessly as a child. It is gloriously awfully awesome.
But I am afraid watching it with a hangover might cause a relapse.
Posted by: greer at July 9, 2008 7:53 PM
I am absolutely crushed that I've missed out on the comment thread and have only now read *tingle* my beloved Ranylt's latest review. Blame it on working & no access to a PC while I was in "training" today, i.e., doing absolutely nothing, which is sometimes cool when you work for the government, as I do. (No further details about this, so don't even bother)
Like Skit, Some Guy and The wanderer, I too hold deep affection for this movie: Not simply because of the qualities Ms. Richildis mentioned above: I can also add my complete love of all things 'horrific' since I was 11 years old, and NO ONE captured my imagination like the great Harryhausen. And he still does.
I could go on and "spread my cred" with the intimate knowledge of this artist's career, but that needn't be brought up amongst so many fellow Harryhausen admirers.
(Just know, I'm ready to argue if you feel differently.)
I have every movie he's been involved in, and the man's genius and genuine love of his work, a brutally painstaking and intricate art that actually required hand's-on involvement for the progression of each and every frame that brings the exquisite creatures to life- no one has, or ever will, recreate that unique stop-motion photography of creatures of his own making, and it is both a sad reminder of what came before, and what Mr. Harryhausen hinself could have done with the future of stop-motion animation in even this day and age.
But hell, give me '7th Voyage of Sinbad', 'Jason & the Argonauts' & '100,000,000 Miles to Earth', and I'd watch these gems over higher-tech stuff like Star Wars and the rest of the lot at any given opportunity.
Gonna stop now, still too pissed that I didn't get in on this earlier.
Ranylt, you ROCK!
Posted by: TMax at July 9, 2008 8:42 PM
"...when you work for the government, as I do. (No further details about this, so don't even bother)
Wwwwwhhhhaaaaaaaat?!
You can't just throw something like that out there and then drop it like it's hot. If you have access to my social security number and criminal arrest record tell me now!
Mr. Chaney, is that you?
Posted by: greer at July 9, 2008 8:56 PM
I saw this when it first came out in a mostly empty movie theater. It was unintentionally funny because it was so cheesy, and the actors were supposedly top notch. The biggest laugh came when Burgess Meredith explains to Harry Hamlin all the problems and reasons why they can't do this particular quest, and Hamlin's answer is, "But . . . we have a flying horse!" My friends and I laughed for a full five minutes after that one. It was insane.
If you want some good Harryhausen, rent Jason and the Argonaughts. It has Patrick Troughton (the 2nd Dr. Who) as a blind man attacked by harpies, and it has the famous sword wielding army of skeletons.
Posted by: BWeaves at July 9, 2008 9:49 PM
I love this movie. I make no bones about it. It sits on the DVD shelf next to other such early-80s gems like Flash Gordon and Krull (2 other movies I'd love to see make it to Pajiba).
Are the effects dated? Yes. But that's part of its charm. This isn't a modern story. It's archetypal (which is a nice way of saying everyone's acting either badly or bored) and not of this world.
BTW, the rumor mill states that it's going to be remade. While I hope they do it right, I can't imagine how they're going to make that Medusa scene feel as tense, scary or awesome as Harryhousen did to me when I was 6.
Posted by: BFFredo at July 9, 2008 10:25 PM
OMFG, Krull! I hadn't thought of that in ages....
RR, you've convinced me, yo! I am definitely picking this up. It'll be worth the ..what, 7 bucks?... for priceless nostalgia? Doing it. Probably tomorrow. Lord knows I need to make more friends, and it certainly can't hurt to influence people!
Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at July 9, 2008 11:24 PM
Love Mr. Harryhausen. I wish I had an 8x10 glossy from Cyclops with an enscription that read, "To Pam, thanks for your support! All the best, Cyclops."
I asked my mom to make me a greek-style dress so I could be Princess Andromeda for halloween that year. Looking back, we could've improved on the costume by chaining me to a giant styrofoam rock. Note to self.
Posted by: pamela at July 9, 2008 11:46 PM
Ok, real quick I have to say how much I love seeing classic stop motion/ puppetry in movies. I caught Return of the Jedi the other night and holy crap the Rancor still looks Incredible! Watching Jabba's band with the awesome puppets and makeup suddenly defiled by this gyrating quasi-gelatinous CGI monstrosity is a travesty.
(And I still think the Rancor keeper deserves an Oscar. His actions told a whole story in 1 shot.)
Posted by: Rex at July 9, 2008 11:54 PM
Faaaaantastic...I love, love, love this movie. Just like Krull, Flash Gordon...all of those classic, classic stopmotion flicks.
...love this movie...
Excellent pic and review RanyIt!
Posted by: Shadows of Dakron at July 10, 2008 1:11 AM
Clash Of The Titans rules all.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at July 10, 2008 2:33 AM
"...and it has the famous sword wielding army of skeletons."
Oh wow! I remember that - me and my friends all had to watch it for Classical Studies back in secondary school; we still do the "There's one!" "...And another one!" thing. While I'm among the "futurists" as Ranylt calls us (and make no apologies for it) I still love the creepy stop-motion skeletons, but the wooden acting in response to them is cheesetacular.
CotT was another movie we had to watch in class, and while I can't say I liked it as much as many of you, it was still comparatively better than maths class.
Posted by: Shay at July 10, 2008 5:09 AM
As a 1980 baby, I recall this being on my DAD'S hangover theatre list. Long Saturday afternoons on the couch with Dad, Barbies and Lego's strewn about the room. Domino's pizza on the way, as suggested by the Noid commercials on TBS as we watched Clash. Very sentimental flick for me.
Loved Medusa.
Posted by: Bridget at July 10, 2008 9:10 AM
about a rivalry between two gods and their demigod offspring (sidebar to undergrads: don't crib notes for your Mythology 101 class off a film that can't even get its title right)
The title refers to the engineered collision of the Kraken and Medusa, not Zeus vs. Thetis or Perseus vs. Calibos, if that's what you are implying. I think that's acceptable given that the Stygian witches refer the Kraken and Medusa as titans in dialogue. I realize this still does not meet the strict literal definition of "Titan" in mythology (i.e., the predecessors to the Gods), but I think it's an acceptable term to based on the general definition of the word.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at July 10, 2008 11:50 AM
Whenever this film hit HBO, I decided that I was going to marry Perseus. This declaration amused my parents very much, and I became quite miffed that they didn't understand the seriousness of the situation.
Posted by: agent bedhead at July 10, 2008 1:36 PM
"to," "use" omitted
Yeah, my typing is getting worse and worse.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at July 10, 2008 6:11 PM
I too am an 80s baby and my mom loooooves Ray Harryhausen movies. Loves them. Whenever they came on, we'd watch them over and over again. We taped it from the tv. My sisters and I always got really scared at the Medusa part and at the scorpions. I will absolutely have my future children watch these.
My mom has a real respect for attention to detail and she was obsessed with stop-motion animation. My favorite Harryhausen character though is Talos, the giant rusty bronze dude who squeaked and clanged. I don't know why I love that character so much but he's awesome
Posted by: NotBlonde at July 10, 2008 7:48 PM
My "hangover movie" is Excalibur, another 80s/early 90s cable favorite. Hey at least it's not Beastmaster.
Posted by: EvilSamurai at July 11, 2008 7:04 AM
I always have and always will love this movie. I got an A on a midterm just for mentioning it in my essay.
Posted by: Flannery at July 12, 2008 10:36 PM
"The whole thing's a hippodrome of dumb, but she's having none of it, old sock, and perseveres."
Ranylt, I love you almost as much as I love Maggie Smith.
Posted by: Kevin at July 19, 2008 10:27 PM
where is the owl now
Posted by: graham at September 1, 2008 10:02 AM
