Pajiba

you think those are bad? You think those trailers are fucking bad?

post this fucker on your next round up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2G5NUc4sNI

try sitting through all of it without falling asleep or clicking away in search of some sort of horrible porn to get the treacle taste out of your mouth.

I dare you.

I couldn't do it, Withnail. I made it as far as finding out it stars Stacy Aswad, then the little boy inside of me giggled, and I had to click away. Atrocious. -- DR

Mmmm....Johnny Depp and Christian Bale in the same movie. I have no words. But my dreams will be sweet tonite.

And sorry, I'm not going to watch the trailer for a movies named after underwear stains.

I'm one of the (probably) few people who has nothing against Courtney Love, because I still enjoy Hole's Live Through This. Nirvana? I haven't listened to them in decades. But I doubt very much I'd be interested in a movie about any of them.

*sigh* Michael Mann and his new project,

Depp's affected "artiste" shtick is becoming very grating to me. And let's be honest, what Mann did with Miami Vice was positively Lucaresque, he sat on his baby and laid a gigantic steaming pile of creamy hard to clean excrement. My hope is that Bale will somehow rise above it.

Christian Bale and Jonny Depp in one movie, OMG...I can't put my feelings into words. It's coming out in animalistic, gutteral grunts and moans which I have no way to articulate with words. Please dear God of all things celluloid, please, please, please squeeze some type of nude scene into this film. Or better yet, a vicious hand-to-hand combat scene between Bale and Depp that involves sweaty, shirtless male grunting and total badassedness. That would literally leave me shaking(among other things)in my pants. Bring it, oh please bring it!

As far as the Courtney love movie, can someone please just put her out of her misery all ready? I am so tired of her pimping the death of Curt Kobain, whom I loved. Go away bitch!

And your news about Ice Cube, that is the final straw. If I see him in public, I will TAKE HIM DOWN! No more chances, he needs to be euthanized. It's for the betterment of all mankind. Hell, I might get an award or the key to L.A. for it. **note to self, renew gun license** That little piece of info nearly, but not entirely, ruined my Bale/Depp fantasy, which is completely and utterly unacceptable! Damn him!

You had me at "undie wettingest." Indeed.

Withnail, you utter bastard. I think my trouser friend just abandoned me forever after watching that trailer...

While Skid Marks might be evil, scab-inducing drivel, at least it's not taking itself seriously, like You, Me, Us, (and maybe your best friend?), Forever...

Todd, wasn't Live Though This the Hole album that was speculated to have been completely written by Cobain but Love took all the credit for. IDK, I've never been a Hole fan, the only song by them I ever liked was "Doll Parts."

P.S. Spelling/grammar police, please excuse my misspelling of Kurt Cobain as Curt Kobain in my original post. The Depp/Bale fantasies seeemed to have impared my motor skills, making typing nearly impossible.

It wouldn't matter to me if the movie consisted of nothing more than Depp and Bale standing in a bare, unfurnished room - Depp flossing his teeth, Bale idly drumming his fingers on his leg - I'd still go see that movie. The fact that Mann's at the helm (I haven't seen Miami Vice yet, but Heat leaves me in awe every time I watch it, Collateral is largely great too, and Manhunter should really turn up as one of Pajiba's Under-Rated Gems one of these days) only makes my wang throb all the harder.

special-effects heavy

This is, in fact, not an insult. Not that breaking those two movies up doesn't seem like sheer laziness, but special effects? Special effects good. Special effects make movie bright and shiny. Sometimes special effects make movie watchable at all.

good lord I have actually got up in the morning, sat down for my morning dump got up, turned around looked down and be more entertained by the floaters and sinkers than by that first trailer. not even bad. not even horrible. not even god-stinkingly awful. not even bullet to the head. i am off to kill all who were involved in this film, writers, funders, cast, crew, studio execs, cinema owners who consented to distribute it and anyone who gets in my way.

I have one word for today's trade round-up and that word is as follows:

ROWR!!!

Okay these are the facts:

Mann's best work was Thief, if you haven't seen it, you should turn your Pajiba credentials, you make me sick and should get out of my sight, followed by Vice (only the series) and Crime Story (you haven't seen it either, pfffffft).

Now, Heat eeeeeeh, everybody got caught up in the DeNiro/Pacino thing which was a WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING Siezemore and Kilmer ran away with that one.
The Insider, he should thank his lucky stars that Denzel and King Arthur were there.

Collateral was saved (and I loathe to say it) by cock enthusiast number one, yup, thee one and only Tom Cruise, no one was expecting that kind of performance, and he'll never pull it off again, 'cause he's crazy.
Leading us to ....Miami Vice, two average to mediocre performers and THERE you see how lame Mann has become, he's got nothing.

Whatever this movie with Depp and Bale turns out to be; crap, perfection, merely enjoyable, it doesn't matter. It will be like spanish fly for ANY guy with the balls to take his lady to see it.

Wow Withnail...stop that. I made it as far as the old black man with the goatee. The stars's last names are Razgay and Aswad. The comedy almost writes itself. ZING!

As much as I am loathe to say it, I have to agree with BSlim re: Michael Mann. Heat wasn't much more than an awesome bank robbery surrounded by cinematic padding, Collateral was luck-of-the-draw and Miami Vice was just nonsensical and sad. Come to think of it, I never saw the appeal of the original series, either.

I will say this: the man can craft a gunfight, one that will put most surround sound systems to the limit. So if he manages to do that with Depp and Bale, well, I will just have to switch sides as well.

I was suckered into reading The Ruins. From about Page 2 on, it was very obviously a screenplay-wannabe and an irritating waste of time.

The rest of you: if you know what's good for you, avoid both book and movie like the plague.

Mmmm, confusing Inside Man with The Insider, that's a paddlin' (my Pajiba credentials are hereby voluntarily revoked pending investigation).

But anyway, it just serves to prove how low Mann has sunk, he SHOULD have directed Inside Man.

Any chance the Depp-Bale movie imagines an alternate history where Dillinger and Purvis are secret lovers? (Probably not huh? I'll just have to play that one in my head...)

Also, I've managed to avoid all things Ice Cube up until now, but now I officially loathe him. Mr. T is B.A Baracus. MR T IS B.A. DO YOU HEAR ME MOTHERFUCKER? sorry....I needed to get that out.

I'll finish reading in a second, but ...pairing Johnny Depp and Christian Bale. Together. At the same time. In one film. In the same movie.

I literally stopped eating mid-bite to stare at the screen in amazed wonder and anticipation. *whimper*

Todd, wasn't Live Though This the Hole album that was speculated to have been completely written by Cobain but Love took all the credit for. IDK, I've never been a Hole fan, the only song by them I ever liked was "Doll Parts."

I'd never heard that before, but according to Wikipedia, those rumors are "unsubstantiated." With Cobain dead, I guess we'll never know. I just know I like the album.

BSlim: Directly put, as always. I hereby hand over my Pajiban credentials (such as they are, what with me being a very occasional commenter), since I have indeed not seen Thief. I will attempt to rectify this forthwith.

Can't agree with you on Heat, though - I loved it, every minute of it - as for Collateral - to me, an awesome movie let down somewhat by a lazy descent into typical thriller tropes towards the end.

No love for Manhunter from anyone else?

And in case any of you kids are wondering, yes, "You and Me, Us, Forver" is a Christian film.

So glad to hear that there is someone else out there who still loves live through this and hasn't listended to Nirvana in ages--I thought I was the only one. As for the "rumors" that Cobain wrote the whole thing, not to get up on my feminist soapbox, but I doubt that if it was a dead wife and live husband we would have all those rumors. Nirvana's lyrics were never all that good anyway.

Dear 2008 Ice Cube,

Please stop making movies or I will travel forward in time to cap your sorry ass.

Sincerely,
1990 Ice Cube

Courtney Love is still milking the cash cow that is Cobain's legacy. Nice quoting of "Celebrity Skin" Dustin.

I feel so wrong for being so excited about the Wolverine movie.

Collateral just seemed so right because Cruise is so good at playing his natural persona, that of a psychotic and deranged lunatic \ control freak.

Has anyone ever had a day when they do nothing but stare blankly at their PC screens blankly wondering if they would get 'short-term' for falling asleep and impaling your own face on the nearest pen?

Did I mention blankly?

It's impossible for Depp and Bale to occupy the same screen without causing a rip in the space-time continuum (not to mention the panties of every woman on earth). So prepare for the apocalypse, but what a way to go!

while the second film may take place during the 60 years between The Hobbit and the first Lord of the Rings

There's actually a fair bit of story, drama and fighting from that period referenced in LotR as backstory, e.g., Aragorn's wandering in the wild wastes of the North, the dwarves' re-building of Moria, and Gandalf's investigation of the Necromancer (didn't he later turn out to be Sauron?). If handled well, that and The Hobbit could make a nice complement to LotR. Of course, it will be handled badly.

Aren't the Golden Globes voted on by like 12 journalists, and that's it?

Guh, didn't mean to lead with the nerd lore -- is the preview screen gone? Anyway, [McLaughlin] ISSUE NUMBER 1! Any time your awards show is the Homeless Man's Oscars, it's time to off yourself. That's like trying to draw credibility from being a more craptastic version of a pro wrestling championship.

Which leads me to [McLauhlin] ISSUE NUMBER 2! Shouldn't Pajiba have an awards show of its own? Separate from the movie roundtable -- some kind of American Idol combination of scoring by judges (staff) and audience (reader/commenters) to make selections for Best Picture, etc.

I'm sure I'm not the first one to think of/suggest this, and I know there's a glut of stupid websites with their stupid end of year lists. Who cares? We would have the correct list.

Bale, Depp and if they add Gosling wouldn't that be something - even Gordon-Levitt would be a wonderful addition. I'm glad he's doing the indie scene after his tv.show ended. Good acting choices as well.

No love for Manhunter from anyone else?

Posted by: Dill The Devil at January 15, 2008 10:00 AM
--------------------------------------------------

Don't worry about your credentials, we all fall under review/abeyance (La Femme Nikita style) pending termination by I-Pod clad Pajiba hit squads, from time to time.

Anyway, Manhunter gets extreme masturbatory love from me. It was just right and soooo 80's cool. Miami Vice before Miami Vice.
Am I the only who thinks Petersen's character almost killed those people in the end 'cause he was so mentally perturbed having gotten inside the killer's head?

Christian Bale and Johnny Depp... talk about childhood crushes! (Swing Kids and 21 Jump Street... ahhhh).
I can't wait.

I'm not sure if they could get his hair to look lank enough, but wouldn't Ben Foster be a good choice to play Cobain? He certainly has the acting chops and the intensity...

I had to back and re-read the entire post this morning, because I remembered nothing after Bale/Depp. This Bale/Depp incident will only escalate as more names are added to it. Include Ryan Reynolds as the suddenly snarky Pretty Boy Floyd and I'm coming out of the closet I was never in.

Manhunter was way better than the stylized version of Red Dragon a few years ago. Although the newer edition was closer to the book. Peterson was so cool, dark, deep and sexy in Manhunter. Plus I can't listen in "Innagoddavida" without picturing him coming thru the window. Loved it.

That may be one for me & mr.wsapnin to re-visit this weekend.

Seconded on the Manhunter love. I know it's dated, but I'll happily watch it again and again. I even have the soundtrack.
The Insider, though? So dull. And the only time I've walked out of a director Q & A after a movie - I just couldn't think of a question I wanted to ask about the film. Nor, it seemed, could anyone else in the audience...

Depp & Bale together - yum! Now cast Jensen Ackles as Pretty Boy Floyd and I'll be in heaven.. ;-)

Speaking of Depp, according to Holy Moly he has handed over a personal cheque for one million pounds to the Great Ormond Street Children's Hopsital - a thank you for saving his daughter's life last year. Bless!

Mann, too, was very dull. At least, ir

Er, sorry about the stray partial sentence there - lack of scrolling before posting... ;-)

I don't know why everyone's getting so excited over Bale and Depp being in a Michael Mann movie. With his epileptic camera style, you won't be able to see them without Dramamine.

"I'm not sure if they could get his hair to look lank enough, but wouldn't Ben Foster be a good choice to play Cobain?"

S.K - LOL! I still shudder when I recall the lank, greasy locks Foster sported in Six Feet Under.

"I don't know why everyone's getting so excited over Bale and Depp being in a Michael Mann movie. With his epileptic camera style, you won't be able to see them without Dramamine."

Heh. I think just the idea is enough to induce, uh, y'know. So, bring on the Dramamine! And, if there is any justice in this world, PLEASE have them AT LEAST shoot ONE scene in Chicago, so I can have the pleasure of at least knowing they're in my city. Together. Perhaps in a trailer. Whatever.

I also have been giggling for about two minutes after reading the words "Skid Marks" and "undie wettingest". I swear I'm not 12. Not on the outside, at least.

Am I the only one that thinks that the first trailer looked like a low budget, EMT version of Super Troopers? I'll put up a review as soon as it's out on DVD. And I find a dead bum with a copy if it clutched in his cold, dead hands.

Has anyone ever had a day when they do nothing but stare blankly at their PC screens blankly wondering if they would get 'short-term' for falling asleep and impaling your own face on the nearest pen?

Welcome to my Monday to Friday, 9am til 6pm, 48 weeks of the year. My job shouldn't even exist. The workload reflects this fact.

Although I did just score myself a four day weekend. Woo!

Welcome to my Monday to Friday, 9am til 6pm, 48 weeks of the year. My job shouldn't even exist. The workload reflects this fact.

Although I did just score myself a four day weekend. Woo!

Posted by: Alex the Odd at January 15, 2008 11:28 AM
---------------------------------------------------

Any job where you don't get shot in front of your house if the client isn't satisfied with your performance is better than mine as far as I'm concerned.

Consider yourself lucky Alex :)

Slim...maybe you should rethink door-to-door gun sales. I mean, sure it sounds like a good idea. but don't you think you're exposing yourself to incredible risk??

Why not Ewan McGregor to play Kurt? He pretty much did it in Velvet Goldmine anyway.

To be perfectly honest, though, I stopped paying attention after 'Johnny Depp and Christian Bale.'

That couldn't make me happier if they were dancing in a field of kittens and unicorns.

Slim...maybe you should rethink door-to-door gun sales. I mean, sure it sounds like a good idea. but don't you think you're exposing yourself to incredible risk??

Posted by: PissBoy at January 15, 2008 11:39 AM

---------------------------------------------------

Maybe I should, but there's just something about driving up to someone's doorstep with an over and under double barreled Remington that ....I just,...*sigh*... it's like no other feeling in the world...

OK, OK - I will admit that there is no immediate danger to my life unless one of the hypothetical monkeys escapes - you win again Slim, curses.

Although, if we compared neuron cluster losses between a year on my job and one quick shotgun blast to the head I'm pretty confident we'd find that my particular occupation was much more hazardous to overall health.

My current task is listening out for if the phone rings and then if it does getting up and fetching someone from the next room. Not answering it, mind. That would be entirely too taxing.

Remind me why I spent three years learning the finer points of neuroscience and genetics again. Bah, rubbish. I'm just feeling sorry for myself.... what can make it better? Oh yes: Christian Bale.

Based on names alone, Jensen Ackles for Pretty Boy Floyd, and Ryan Gosling for Baby Face Nelson. Who's with me?

OH NO! Not a hypothetical monkey! What if he grabbed the hypothetical keys to the hypothetical forklift and drove it into a propane tank right next to your building?! Hypothetically you'd be fucked.

And don't think of your years of schooling wasted. When you retire, you can begin to make small incisions in your own scalp, drill into your skull and examine your own spiral ganglia to see the effects of your job over the years. You may want to collect your control samples now before the wear becomes too great. I dunno how you would do it but imagine it would take an incredibly steady hand and 3 or 4 mirrors. Not to mention you would have to make sure to unfuck your directional bearings so that you are always moving your hands inthe poroper direction so that you don't cut the wrong way. When the left and right hemisphers of the brain are combined with mirrors, it can eff you up. Self-performed brain surgery is tough I'd imagine.

And stupid question Alex...does your job come down to the consequence that if they ever get a new phone with a 'send' option that will just forward the incoming call to another line, you're be fired?

The question is, will Christian Bale and Johnny Depp be taking their shirts off onscreen?

Late to the party today, and I'm sure I have sonething veyr interesting I wanted to post about today's round up but you hit me with a shirtless pic of Christian Bale. Everything after that is a blur. Any chance that picture could be scrolled down?

Speaking of shitty jobs - the Legislature JUST got back into town last week, and already my neck is seriously knotted up. I had to make an appointment for a massage later today just to ensure that I'll make it through the rest of the week.

Maybe I should just imagine Christiam Bale massaging my neck.....yes, just my neck, perverts.

Alex The Odd. You have admitted in previous posts to having actually met Christian Bale and to aforementioned Mr. Bale having actually spoken to you. And now you want a good job to boot? You have already had an experience most women and a lot of men would die for. The fact that you remained at liberty and were not detained at Mrs. Windsor's pleasure after meeting Mr. Bale speaks a lot for your character (lesser women such as me for instance would have had their hands pried off of his arm by policemen and been dragged away while scremaing incoherent thoughts about offering him the use of my genitals).

...because I remembered nothing after Bale/Depp. This Bale/Depp incident will only escalate as more names are added to it. Include Ryan Reynolds as the suddenly snarky Pretty Boy Floyd..."

Just reading this set my loins all atwitter. Whoo.

Ugh, Michael Mann. He has put out some mighty pointless shit. For example, "Heat". Over long, way boring, and more of The Al Pacino Screamo School of Acting than should have even been committed to celluloid. Also proof positive that the "cast of a thousands stars" concept gets you no where when you have a director who can't self-edit.

Despite having much love for "The Last of the Mohicans", I can't bring myself to trust this man to put out a decent flick, even with the magical Depp/Bale combo. "Miami Vice" would have been a buttload more entertaining if the leads hadn't played so cool they were comatose. And if Mann had done without the Skinamax sex scenes.

You guys and your boring cube farm jobs... I'd gladly trade places for a day or two with any desk jockey just for a change of pace. Spend a few days chasing my crazy toddler around and you'll know why I sometimes think back wistfully to my days in Corporate Hell. Of course, it doesn't take much to remind me why I was so glad to break free in the first place.

Just sometimes I wish the word "shitty job" wasn't so literal in my case.

I take no issue with Marion Cotillard winning best actress and I hope she wins the Oscar. She was so immersed in that role that I believed she was Piaf in every scene.

I didn't see this movie until December because no one wanted to come with me to the theater but it's well worth renting if only to see Cotillard's performance.

Christian Bale with no shirt! Eeeeeeeeeeee!

why is the fat guy running across the beach wearing a swiss flag as underpants?

"...having much love for "The Last of the Mohicans"..."
Excuse me while I reminisce over Daniel Day Lewis in breechcloth and leggings. My word, the man was beautiful in that movie.. *ahem* Get back on track girl!
Any movie containing a Depp/Bale combo immediately gets my ten bucks, but a MOB movie containing a Depp/Bale combo?! That earns my attendance opening night

I have never understood why the Golden Globes lumps musicals and comedies into the same category. There haven't been many musicals in the last few years, but what there were could not be considered funny. I'm thinking especially of "Chicago."

Jeez, those trailers were awful. The first one made me wonder if it was for a real movie. It looked more like a parody of a movie trailer.

I'm on board with a Bale/Depp combo. Just let me know where and when.

the first ad, the production company should be a BIG clue as to where they stand on film 'Cinephobe' as in 'Arachnophobe'
they FEAR cinema. dont force them to make it.

the second one, is Jonathon Tucker an unknown? i know him...

Jena Malone can go and FUCK HER SELF, god she pisses me off, she's just shit. Saved! was amazing and hilarious but she SUCKS, she's not talented, and i get this vibe off her like she thinks she's some little indie muse or something when really she needs to get out of my face.
For some reason thats just made me think of that other dick head...Rachel Evan Woods, is she dead yet? Did Manson hack her up and eat her? Where did they GO?! He ate her didnt he? Good, she was a talentless shill who with him promoted paedophilia, gag, and will never EVER be as sexy as Ms Von Teese.

The Bale/Depp movie just made me pregnant.
So...yeah. Me and my baby will see his/her daddies in the film when it comes out....god just thinking about makes me want to whisper in case the combined talent and hotness makes the world explode, like nitro glycerin, we must handle it gently

Joker, I doubt that many women viewing the Bale/Depp combo will be wearing panties at all. And personally, I think the space-time continuum is waaaay overrated.

Any man who is brave enough to bring a woman to view that deliciousness is guaranteed some hot sex afterward. So hot infact, that he won't mind one bit when she's screaming "Oh Christian! Oh Jonny! Oh My Gaaaaaaaaawd!"

Either that, or he's getting locked out the bedroom while she spends some private time with some DD batteries and her favorite toys...

nadine, I THOUGHT that was Jonathan Tucker. I know him as well. Granted, my most recent memory was of him half-naked in tighty whiteys, but I know him.

I have a slightly different view on the Depp/Bale possibility. Depp, in general, doesn't do it for me, although there have been roles in which I found him quite lickable. Bale, however, could get it anytime he wanted, anywhere he wanted. Thus, I am vaginally obligated to see him in just about any film.

Dear gods. Depp AND Bale? I would go back to the church if prayer would get Mann to shoot some authentic scenery for that movie. Dillinger used to summer mere miles from my house, and just the thought of having either or both of them that close - the pheromones alone would cause a spike in the area birthrate.

Talk about a serious case of the eager creamies...

Why? Does Hollywood have any idea what they're doing to my childhood? I think I'd rather not know that their little Hobbit movie even exists, thank you very much.

However, I'm with you Daph. Aside from the whole vaginally obligated part, obviously. Bale, much like Jason Statham, can do no wrong in my twisted little mind.

There's going to be a Bale/Depp movie!
Pardon me, I think my heart stopped for a moment.

I still get scared thinking of Manhunter! As much as I secretly enjoy the fact that Juno got the shaft from the Globes, is that really something we should care about? If that's what we based our film standards on couldn't we all just go to E!'s website or something? Also, I would definitely give my vote to Emile to play Kurt or the guy from Van Sant's Last Days; he wasn't all that bad and he would most likely get to speak more in this one.

Daphne, I will be using the phrase "vaginally obligated" for the rest of my life.

"The guy from Van Sant's Last Days" is Michael Pitt and man, do I loathe his blank stare and "sexy" pout... he's horrible in every movie he's in, starting with "Dreamers" and ending up with "Hedwig and The Angry Inch"; he even managed to annoy me in "The Village" although I barely noticed he was there. His best role was in Dawson's Creek, oh Pacey where art thou when Joey-The-Brain-Washed needs saving SO BAD...
Wow, undie wettingest, beefcake quotient AND vaginally obligated! My Enghlish teacher would be so proud of you people encouraging me to learn new exciting words every day!

Perhaps 'vaginally obliged', but required nonetheless.

She'd also be pleased that I can spell "English", it was the only word I just couldn't get right in high school.

You can't think of a better actress to play Courtney Love? Seriously?