The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Confession: I didn’t see my first Disney 2-D film until I was 17, when the girl I was dating at the time inflicted the entire post-Little Mermaid catalogue upon me (you can read “Pajiba’s Guide to Third-Date Flicks” and make your own assumptions about how that relationship turned out). I didn’t like a damn one of them, either, which I think had more to do with the way I was raised that than quality of The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Mulan, et al. Anyway, after giving up on 2-D animation after a string of big-budget flops (Brother Bear, Home on the Range, Treasure Planet), John Lassetter — who took over the animation department after Pixar was merged into Disney — is giving it another stab, starting with The Frog Princess, which will be set in jazz-infused 1920s New Orleans. It will also feature the first ever black Disney princess, which is nice and all, but 1) it’s about goddamn time, and 2) the character is a freakin’ chambermaid, which ain’t exactly the best message to send with the first major African-American character. Both Jennifer Hudson and Alicia Keys are reportedly up for the lead.
The fellas behind The Little Mermaid, Ron Clements and John Musker, will write and direct The Frog Princess, which also promises to revive Disney’s brand of Broadway-style music (Randy Newman, naturally, will write the tunes). Personally, I think it’s nice to see a return to hand-drawn animation, if only because I’m sick to death of the glut of non-Pixar CGI flicks, but — man alive — that Broadway-inspired music just kills me. It jangles around in one’s head for days; I don’t think I’ve seen Beauty and the Beast in 15 years, but that goddamn “Gaston” song still pops into my nightmares at times and haunts me well into the day, reminding me interminably that “No one fights like Gaston / Douses lights like Gaston / In a wresting match no one bites likes Gaston.”
It’s due for release in 2009, so it’s not too late to take the television away from your little ones.
And speaking of kids, for those of you just dying to know how Angelina Jolie affords all those goddamn Huggies, you’ll be happy to know that she’s found further employment. Jolie, who recently completed production of A Mighty Heart (a film in which she had a Soul Man makeover to play Marianne Pearl), has now been cast in another film based on true events, The Changeling, which at first seems like a terrible name, until you learn that a “changeling” is the offspring of a fairy, troll, or elf left in the place of a human child.
… ?
Anyway, the film is based on events in the 1920s, in which the child of an L.A. woman (Jolie) is abducted. When the child is finally returned, the woman suspects that the child is not hers, which leads to the discovery of all sorts of L.A.P.D. corruption. J. Michael Straczynski, who wrote and created “Babylon 5,” penned the script. Clint Eastwood is in line to direct. Asked about how he felt at the prospect of working with Angelina Jolie, the star of Dirty Harry remarked, “I very much look forward to it. I also applaud Ms. Jolie’s numerous humanitarian efforts. But seriously, someone’s gotta pull that corn cob outta her ass.”* After filming on The Changeling wraps up, Jolie is attached to play Debbie Downer in the big-screen adaptation of the “SNL” skit.**
Finally, the reason why I didn’t see a lot of Disney flicks as a kid was because I was preoccupied with higher-brow fare, like Stephen King’s Children of the Corn, of which I have only the vaguest recollections now: eerie-looking rolling fields of corn and, of course, the creepy-ass Malachai (Courtney Gains, who is no less creepy 25 years later, and who will appear in Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween.). Anyway, word is that, after six sequels to the franchise, the powers that be at Dimension films have convinced Darren Lynn Bousman (Saw II - IV) to direct a remake, which is about a boy preacher who convinces the children of a small Nebraska town to rise up and kill all the adults. A married couple passes through (originally, Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton) and ends up accidentally running over one of the kids; in an effort to find the authorities, the couple is ultimately targeted by the children. Who love corn. And really, it’s good to see movies that encourage children to eat their vegetables. In fact, I’m hoping the new Children of the Corn makes a political statement about the evils of fast food and the obesity epidemic in America. And you know who’d make a great Malachai? Haley Joel Osment! Puberty was not kind to that kid.
Moving on: This week’s DVD offerings include Casino Royale, Harsh Times, the anti-feminist flick The Holiday, and one of Jeremy’s favorites from 2006, Shortbus.
And in the trailer watch, I’m feeling particularly cruel this morning, so I thought it’d be fun to make a few of you weep. Therefore, I give you the trailer for Kickin’ It Old School. Watch at your own risk.
* I made this up.
** This, too.
Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.
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Comments
Ahh the Yari Film Group- yet another classic. Here was the pitch (a la "The Player"):
"Its like 'Blast From The Past' meets 'Save The Last Dance'- it can't fail!"
Posted by: Blackcapricorn at March 13, 2007 10:23 AM
"I'm especially good at ex-pect-or-ating!
My, what a guy, Gas-tooooooon!"
Thanks a lot, Dustin!
Posted by: Kolby at March 13, 2007 10:36 AM
Oh, damn you, Dustin, for getting the Gaston song in my head! For some fucking reason the line that'll pop up in my head from that song is, "I use antlers for all of my decorations!!!!"
Also, "Kickin' It Old School" makes me wish two things: 1) that I wasn't born in the 80s, and 2) as sick as this sounds, having Kevin Federline make a cameo in this movie. Seriously.
Posted by: em at March 13, 2007 10:39 AM
I thought Harsh Times was already out.
Hmmn I saw that movie on a plane to Greece before it came in cinemas across London. Such Trash. Eva's lovely though put bitch cant do intense to save her ass.
Posted by: Jean at March 13, 2007 11:11 AM
That was Lex Luthor, right? And Maria Menounos? In that trailer? And Jamie Kennedy? Folks, I've said it a million times -
GOD HATES US ALL.
Posted by: TK at March 13, 2007 11:44 AM
You think you have it bad, I worked as a manager at an IMAX that showed Beauty and the Beast ALL DAMN DAY LONG FOR A MONTH AND A HALF!
Suck on that, D!
Author's Note: That reminds me, actually, that I recently saw a trailer for Beauty and the Beast: A Latter Day Tale, the "Latter" a reference to the Latter-Day Saints. Check it out, for a bit of unintentional comedy. I don't think we'll be reviewing it.
Posted by: the cox at March 13, 2007 12:00 PM
"Jolie, who recently completed production of A Mighty Heart (a film in which she had a Soul Man makeover to play Marianne Pearl)"
If you bothered watching her interview on 60 Minutes you'd know Pearl is Cuban/Dutch. So, no, its not a "Soul Man" makeover.
Author's Note: Hmmmm.
Posted by: get it right at March 13, 2007 12:25 PM
True Get it Right...but I think it would be a nice change of pace to infuse miss "I wanna save the world by adopting it" with a little more pizazz. You know? A little "flava"?
Anyway, Dustin I have you beat man. I'm the parent of two girls....so I just about EVERY Disney movie that is known to man...and have seen probably all of them twice....I actually have scenes from Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, and El Dorado burned into my retina. Not a pretty picture man. Not at all!!! Although I do own one of those early copies of Little Mermaid that show the priest conducting the wedding popping a boner....priceless.
Posted by: Manny at March 13, 2007 12:31 PM
Technically, corn is not a vegetable, but a starch.
Posted by: apocalipstick at March 13, 2007 1:02 PM
Manny..."Although I do own one of those early copies of Little Mermaid that show the priest conducting the wedding popping a boner....priceless."
I have this copy too, also where the castle on the cover looks like a giant penis. This actually makes me recall my memory about "Beauty & the Beast"...me and my best friend when I was 14 watched it non-stop for 2 days to try and find the hidden sexual content.
We never found anything, but I still maintain that there has to be something! I mean, "Little Mermaid" has the priest with a boner, then comes "Beauty & the Beast with nothing, then "Aladdin" tells Jasmin to take off her clothes on the balcony, then the sex written in the dust part of "The Lion King"...
umm ya, so, moral of the story, I was a loser as a child and Disney is smutty.
Posted by: KDM at March 13, 2007 1:21 PM
Shit, so The Changeling has nothing to do with The Doors song? Colour me disappointed.
Posted by: BlackWolf at March 13, 2007 1:25 PM
KDM "umm ya, so, moral of the story, I was a loser as a child and Disney is smutty."
No kidding KDM...you should watch El Dorado....they don't even try and hide it in that one.
God I need help. At this point in my life I think I can spot the sexual inuendo in an A&E special on algae.
I should go watch a Tyler Perry movie so I can find Jesus. Isn't he the guy always sitting in the back of the theatre in a trenchcoat? I'd be embarassed to watch a TP film too.....
Posted by: Manny at March 13, 2007 1:39 PM
Manny,
I've never even heard of ElDorado...man I'm losing touch with my Disney. I think I was just overwhelmed by the fact that my 6 year old niece loves "Bratz" which have to be the skankiest things I have ever seen.
Also, I was momentarily super excited when I read about the film "The Changeling", as I thought it was going to be an adaptation of one of my very favorite childhood books. But noooo, they had to fuck with my head...
Side note: is it really so farfetched to imagine Angelina Jolie adopting "offspring of a fairy, troll, or elf left in the place of a human child"... I mean really, it would add nicely to her collection.
Posted by: KDM at March 13, 2007 2:21 PM
So wait, they are doing a remake of Halloween? No offense to Rob Zombie, but dammit find another classic to mutilate. Some things are just plain sacred.
Posted by: cmoody at March 13, 2007 2:27 PM
Thanks, that damn song is stuck in my head... oh, well. I guess it's better than "Be My Guest"... oh, shit!
Posted by: demondoll at March 13, 2007 2:45 PM
Cmoody: Agreed.
Don't fuck it up Rob. Halloween (prepare to flame) is hands down the best slasher flic to come out of the time period, and there are those of us who will not be happy with you if you do.
Posted by: Smokin at March 13, 2007 3:08 PM
I was always frightened of Malachai's mouth in Children of the Corn. When he captured Linda Hamilton and shouted "Outlander!", his jaw practically unhinged.
Posted by: Lauren at March 13, 2007 4:01 PM
I confess I found the trailer line about Starsearch just a little bit funny. Hey, I GREW UP in the 80s. You had to be there.
The guy who plays Lex Luthor on Smallville was also in some horrible movie where he dressed up as a sorority girl, wasn't he? I watched the first 2 seasons of Smallville and actually thought he was enjoyable as Lex... but maybe I'm the only one. Is being in embarrassingly crappy comedies a real way to break out of TV?
Lilly
Posted by: Lilly at March 13, 2007 6:44 PM
"A tale as old as time | Beauty and the Beast ."
Needless to say that right now I am wishing death upon Mr. Rowles. And then demondoll had to bring up "Be Our Guest", I hate you guys sometimes...
Posted by: ScarletKnight at March 13, 2007 7:30 PM
When I saw The Abandoned, that preview for Kickin' It Old School played, and the crowd was in stitches. I think this is the both the biggest curse and the biggest blessing of reviewing for this site: it's reconnected me to an America that I tried to flee long ago.
Posted by: JMW at March 13, 2007 7:49 PM
And every square inch of me's covered with haaaair!
Posted by: Razorburn at March 13, 2007 11:54 PM
wasn't the changeling a movie with george c. scott? i love that movie.
i am the mother of an extremely girly five year old. so, yeah, disney is the stealer of my soul. and don't get me started on the barbie movies.
Posted by: heather at March 14, 2007 12:04 AM
Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast were Menken/Ashman creations: genius.
Yeah, genius often results in tunes you can't get out of your head, but that's kind of the idea, right?)
Anyway, Randy Newman is not in the same league. He's not even working with the same tools. No worries about his music being as compelling.
On the other hand, there's plenty to worry about when someone remakes "Halloween," especially in this age of HorrorPorn. Just think of that one scene with the sheets drying on the line...and she sees him...and then he's gone. With that spare, eerie piano score? Cree-pee.
Posted by: Louise at March 14, 2007 12:09 AM
I've hated Disney since they butchered "The Little Mermaid" by copping out and giving it a happily ever after ending. And parents, seriously, you don't have to let your kids watch garbage. There are tons of alternatives. Heck, let them watch the OLD Disney stuff, like the original Fox and the Hound (not that horrible recent sequel) or Dumbo.
It terrifies me to think that in 20 years I'll be living in a world full of adults who grew up on those hideously trashy shallow-as-can-be Bratz, or "Princess Barbie and the Magic Rainbow Unicorns of Fantasia". Its vapid beyond belief.
I grew up on Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, the Goonies-- give your kids some credit. I understood those while I was still -extremely- young and they didn't warp me in any way (well, I'm reading Pajiba and hate Jerry Bruckheimer, but is that messed up?) Just because a movie is old doesn't mean it's no good for your bra-- ehr. kids. Like they used to say on NBC during summer reruns-- "If you haven't seen it, it's new to you!"
Posted by: Ari at March 14, 2007 12:57 AM
Aww, what's with all the Disney hating people? I love Beauty and the Beast. It's my "I feel like I'm going to puke if I even move so instead I'll lay in bed and watch Disney movies all day" movie.
KDM, no chance you were thinking Jolie would be in an adaptation of The Moorchild, is there? Cause that's totally what I thought before I read the next paragraph and was completely disappointed. Of course, I was also disappointed when I thought Jolie might be ruining an adaptation of The Moorchild, so I guess I'm rather relieved actually.
Posted by: mcgeek at March 14, 2007 3:47 AM
demondoll, DAMN YOU. Now I have "Be Our Guest" stuck in my head.
Though, to be honest, it's the Monty Burns "See My Vest" version, so that's ok.
"See my vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better,
Than authentic Irish setter.
Like my loafers? Former gophers -
It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo
Would be best"
Posted by: TK at March 14, 2007 9:37 AM
"Beauty and The Beast" was actually nominated for a Best Picture Academy Award, and came in second place in the voting to "Silence of the Lambs". I believe it's the reason why they now have a Best Animated Picture category...
Posted by: Kolby at March 14, 2007 12:19 PM
I'm sure if i go back into Pajiba's archives I'll see a comment about how Sean Penn pulled a "Soul Man" when he "Jewed" it up to play David Kleinfeld in Carlito's Way. So, yeah, as long as you're consistent like that, then its all cool.
Posted by: get it right at March 14, 2007 1:14 PM
Random and largely irrelevant personal disclosure: I saw The Little Mermaid (at the theater, I'm old) on my first date ever. I was 15. It did not go well. Nuf said.
Posted by: bartap at March 14, 2007 2:53 PM
ummmm...apocalipstick, corn is a veggie it is a veggie with starch in it. starch is the byproduct. are you saying that potatoes are not a veggie either.
Posted by: freckled1 at March 14, 2007 3:52 PM
So when we correct your spelling without attempting to be witty our posts are deleted?
Author's Note: Normally, yes -- otherwise, they only remain to highlight my many shortcomings. But I do appreciate the editing remarks.
Posted by: volga at March 14, 2007 5:20 PM
I thought corn was a grain. What? What?
Posted by: Ari at March 14, 2007 5:22 PM
You should see the Broadway adaption of Beauty and the Beast. That'd blow your mind. THOSE are catchy songs.
I feel bad, I Kickin' It Old School pique my interest...
Posted by: Graceful Dave at March 14, 2007 6:32 PM
Just a little strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrooooong...
It even has Celine Dion! But to be fair, Beauty and the Beast was one of my all-time favorite Disneys, though I think most of the recent 2-D stuff is crap. Give me Dumbo, Peter Pan, and especially Robin Hood any day. (ooh da lally!)
Posted by: bonnie at March 14, 2007 6:45 PM
Wow, Children of the Corn instead of Disney as a little un? No wonder you're one of the "bitchy people."
And honestly, The Frog Princess* has a lot of promise with the set-up they're giving it. (I'm not that concerned about the chambermaid element, considering that Disney's arguably most famous princess was one too.) Seriously, I would rather any hypothetical child of mine watch The Frog Princess, than 99% of the dreck they're marketing towards kids now. (Yu-Gi-Oh is actively making children dumber.)
And post-Mermaid definitely has its moments. I still think The Lion King is one of the greatest movies ever. (Yes, I know about Timba.) It's a simplified Hamlet for kids, and Mufasa's death caused a whole lot of little ones to grow up early.
Also, The Emperor's New Groove is one of the most underrated movies of all time.
*Does anyone remember the awful Don Bluth version?
Posted by: Sam at March 14, 2007 11:38 PM
Edit: Dammit, that was Thumbelina. I pictured a princess and singing frogs and kind of assumed. I realized the truth two seconds after actually posting.
Posted by: Sam at March 14, 2007 11:40 PM
The Emperor's New Groove??? (Squeals). It's a favorite guilty pleasure.
But to get back on topic, I hope this Frog Princess works out...I'm kind of nervous for the future of Disney after seeing what some of the non-Pixar films have put out.
Posted by: bonnie at March 15, 2007 6:24 PM
