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The Oscar Interview Hollywood Doesn't Want You To See

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Celebrity Facts | February 23, 2015 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Celebrity Facts | February 23, 2015 |

I had a chance to sit down with the man himself, the legend from whom the Academy Awards take their affectionate nickname “the Oscars”. This is hard hitting journalism folks, the kind I learned how to do while being shot down in a helicopter with Brian Williams.

SLW: Can you please state your full name for the record?

OTG: Record? Are you recording this? I said no recordings. And I said good coffee and a redhead. This is clearly stank coffee and a brunette.

SLW: Er, well, yes. I did the best I could on such short notice. *slides digital recorder under napkin*

OTG: Fine, let’s get this over with. I’m Oscar.

SLW: And your last name? Just for clarity’s sake.

OTG: Oscar Musorovich.

SLW: But the name you are better know by to the public?

OTG: I won’t use my slave name.

SLW: … The Gro-

OTG: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER. Oh, steak’s here. Excellent.

SLW: Ahem. So, Oscar, are we to understand that you founded the Academy Awards?

OTG: I did. Oh it’s been a good number of years now since I came up with the basic concept. Originally, “Best Picture” was literally going to be the best daguerreotype. My vision was lost once they cut me out of the whole thing. Stole my baby from me. It was supposed to be an annual variety show, showcasing the wonderful things that could be found in dumpsters. But the money men, they had different ideas.

SLW: How did they get control from you in the first place?

OTG: I could never technically have legal control so it was a triviality of paperwork for them to steal from me. I mean, I’m a muppet with green fur. We didn’t even have the right to sign up for credit cards until 1986.

SLW: Ah, the landmark year of Muppet Suffrage.

OTG: Well I suffered all the years before and since.

SLW: Suffrage means you got the right to vote.

OTG: Voting? Who gives a fuck about politics? This is Hollywood.

SLW: Well, the entertainment industry for all its faults has provided a platform for progressive ideas, and challenging the basic assumptions of society for many decades.

OTG: I know, it’s terrible. Actors talking about politics! In my day, you’d have gotten blacklisted for that chicanery. And by ‘blacklisted’ I mean auctioned off to Saudi tycoons.

SLW: You don’t think actors should have political opinions?

OTG: Well they shouldn’t express them in public. That’s almost as bad as poor people voting.

SLW: … You do realize that poor people can vote, right?

OTG: Worst decision they ever made. Well and the fact that they let foreign films into the Oscars. I’ve always said, a society stops being civilized once they let the Irish in.

SLW: I … well, I know you don’t like to speak about it much, but perhaps you could briefly go on the record regarding your depiction on the children’s show Sesame Street?

OTG: That was fucking Weinstein. He always hated me and when he saw the opportunity to smear me, he took it, oh god did he take it. They brought me in as a consultant on the first day of filming just to rub my face in it and introduced me to the racist caricature that they slapped my name on. It’s libel. And I don’t even get royalties.

SLW: So Oscar the Grouch-

OTG: Don’t you say that fucking name. I will use your femurs for butt plugs.

SLW: Ahem. So the character on Sesame Street is not an accurate depiction of you and your life?

OTG: There’s more to being a muppet than just having a hand up your ass. Sometimes your hand is up other asses. It’s really the muppet centipede of power relations. But no, I am an eloquent and soft spoken muppet of intelligence and grace. I live in a sixteen room dumpster, own six companies, and they put me in that little trash can and gave me a lobotomy in order to completely destroy me publicly, to ensure I’d never be able to regain control of their awards ceremony.

SLW: I see. So let’s talk about some of the lesser known awards. Like sound editing or cinematography.

OTG: Son, I don’t even know what the fuck a cinematography is.

SLW: You seem to be a bit grouchy this afternoon, sir.

OTG: I have that reaction to shitty interviewers.

SLW: …

OTG: …

SLW: … So-

OTG: Fuck you.

SLW: Okay then, well what do you think about the best picture nominees versus the winner? Do you think that the best film of the bunch really won?

OTG: Fuck if I care. I voted for Atlas Shrugged for the sixth straight year.

Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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