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Valentine Sex Tips from the Mistress of Seduction, Michelle Duggar

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | February 14, 2014 | Comments ()


imahh.jpg

Light some candles and press play on your finest bone-zone playlist, because I’ve got the tips that will rock your worlds and pelvises, courtesy of part-time dominatrix and full-time icon of all things hot and sexy, Michelle Duggar.

You may need a cigarette after. You should probably grab that now. Please refrain from touching your genitals until you’ve read all the tips, difficult as that may be.

1. Say yes to sex, even when you’re tired.

“‘Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.’”

Don’t just let any hussy make him a bologna sandwich. BE his bologna sandwich. Whether you want to or not. IT’S YOUR DUTY AS WIFE. Your booty duty.

2. But give it a rest sometimes. It’s not all sexytime at the Duggars. They abstain when Michelle has her period, and also after childbirth: 80 days before sex if it’s a girl, 40 days after a boy.

He’s seen her give birth 19 times and can’t throw down on her period? Grow up, Jimbers. It bleeds, who cares?

3. Treat your wife like a queen. Lest you think Duggar romance is all about the baby-making, they note that emotional intimacy is important, too. Even in the whirlwind of raising 19 kids, they do little things like sending each other “I love you” texts, calling each other “Sweetie,” and kissing in the kitchen. Jim Bob seems to put Michelle on a pedestal; and to be fair, she does the same to him.

“That’s key in a relationship, the husband needs to cherish his wife and always treat his wife like a queen,” Jim Bob says.

That’s why her bangs are like that; they’re a crown.

4. The strong, silent type is overrated. “He shares his heart with me, his struggles, his fears and his dreams,” Michelle tells TODAY Moms. “Many men would not do that, but God’s word says that before honor comes humility. When he learns to humble himself before God and me, it builds him up so much in my eyes.”

This is all very sweet, but I like to picture God and Michelle both sitting there, chins on fists, listening attentively to Jim Bob’s fears and dreams. Then they have a God three-way. I’M NOT THE BLASPHEME; SHE BROUGHT UP GOD IN HER SEXY TIP ARTICLE, I JUST WENT TO THE NATURAL PLACE WITH IT.

5. Perfectionism kills romance. While many of us are trained to be detail-oriented and strive for perfection at work, Jim Bob says bringing that attitude home can be a relationship-killer. Withholding praise makes your loved ones lose that loving feeling. “Expectations ruin relationships,” Jim Bob warns.

Yeah, like if you expect period sex, you are NOT getting that shit in the Duggar house.

6. Make time for date night. Michelle and Jim Bob go out, just the two of them, every Saturday night. Sure, they often end up talking about the kids, but it’s still an important time for them to reconnect. They usually go to Michelle’s favorite ice cream shop. “It’s a really special time,” Jim Bob says.

Remember: nothing says “split me sideways” like a trip to the ice cream parlour.

7. Never stop learning. After 30 years of marriage and 19 kids, Jim Bob and Michelle are still interested in discovering others’ advice for a happy partnership. They recently met an Amish couple who’d celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and asked them their secret. Their answer? The phrases, “I was wrong” and “Will you forgive me?”

This article has Amish sex tips, too? I should have marked this NSFW.

8. Anal. Like all the time. It’s all about butt stuff.

It’s conceivable I made that one up.

So, take these tips and apply them to your own tips (nether pants-place tips) and have a very happy Valentine’s Day.




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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • I'm disappointed that pornographic Left Behind fan fic plays no role in this article.

  • emmalita

    Oh you know it's out there somewhere. Probably written by Kirk Cameron's best friend.

  • kirbyjay

    This has probably been the funniest comment section in a long time. I virtually upvote all of you ( too lazy to actually upvote all of you).

  • Uriah_Creep

    Remember: nothing says “split me sideways” like a trip to the ice cream parlour.

    You fucking kill me, Court. Now I have to go to the emergency room, because I thought I was going to die after reading that. Thanks a lot!

  • Protoguy

    Does she do the household chores in stirrups?

  • e jerry powell

    “‘Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can
    meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be
    available when he calls.’”

    Oh, I could tell this woman some things about "only one person can meet that physical need" stuff, but she's right about the wife always needing to be available. That "only one person" comment is pure bunk, and I'm willing to bet a six-pack of PBR to prove it.

    When I have a three-way, I prefer to have two corporeal partners, thanks. It's more fun that way, and we can all see God at once.

    Period sex and butt sex. YOU ARE MAKING BABY JEEBUS CRY. ANY SANTORUM WILL TELL YOU THAT SEX SHOULD MAKE BABIES.

    Besides, butt sex is only for teenaged Catholic girls, and the Duggars are so not Catholic.

  • Mrs. Julien

    This is why I love you best of all. Happy Valentine's Day!

  • e jerry powell

    Why, oh WHY do I get the feeling that Michelle Duggar wouldn't know an orgasm if it pimp-slapped her in the face?

  • Mrs. Julien

    Maybe that's just what she needs to put herself over the edge.

  • e jerry powell

    ...so to speak.

  • B. Garcia

    Awwww. That thought gives me the sads. Now I'm not even in the mood anymore.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    'Three-Way with God' probably wasn't the best way for Billy Graham to title his book about the three steps to finding God.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    I'm going to go ahead and admit that buying me ice cream is probably not a bad strategy for getting into my pants (my stretchy pants, but still).
    I love the waiting period after babies. What if you need 42 days? Does that then break the availability rule?
    Also 80 days wait after having a girl? Is that because Michelle is busy constructing crusty bangs for the infant so that she may attract a godly man?

  • B. Garcia

    Yeah, I was curious about the gendered wait times too. Is it because Jim doesn't like the thought of another penis all up in his private abode and has to lay claim to it that much sooner as a result? (Ugh. That thought sprained something.)

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    8. Anal. Like all the time. It’s all about butt stuff.

    "It’s conceivable I made that one up."

    But really, that vagina can't be in too great of shape so it's not much of a stretch... unlike her vagina.

  • bastich

    So who watches the kids on Date Night? Do the kids watch each other?

    (For some reason, I'm picturing some sort of "Flowers In the Attic/Children of the Corn" mash-up here....)

  • I know too much about the Duggars for a person who has never seen their show. I believe the older kids are assigned which younger kids they're supposed to take care of pretty much all of the time. All of the drags on their youth of teenage parenting without any of the fun sex to get them there in the first place.

  • Coolg82

    That honestly might be what the Duggers are going for.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Fuck her in her fucking ass.the B.

    No really, please...

  • KZoeT

    That's it. I'm opening a mobile ice creamy called Banana Split Me Sideways.

  • Danar the Barbarian

    Dammit. I hate it when I think I'm awesomely funny without first scrolling through the comments. Snark twins?

  • KZoeT

    I've never had a twin before. These are exciting times.

  • bastich

    "Snark Twins powers activate!"

  • Mrs. Julien

    An artist's rendering of the magnificence of your comment.

  • WHY did we do away with EE feature??

  • TacoBellRey

    The sound that came out of my mouth was the most goat like sound I've ever made.

  • thatsmrsnyder

    ...Annyong?

  • TK

    This might be the greatest fucking comment in the history of this goddamn site. Jesus Christ, I almost peed myself reading it.

  • NateMan

    What a good time to click 'Refresh'. Your comment makes it all worthwhile.

  • Well, that wasn not expected today. Excuse me...

    http://i.imgur.com/xl3HNaC.gif

  • I've been married 21 years (but only two kids, because choice), and if either the mister or I expected sex whenever the other wanted it, we would not still be married. Sometimes, you just don't want sexy funtimes, and your feelings should matter more than the other person's horniness. That said, we are both willing to be convinced, because that's part of the fun of being married.

    And not for nothing, if I came downstairs and found some wench making him a bologna sandwich, I would slap them both. That shit is not good for you, and random women should not pop in and make lunch (or lob swords at you from a lake, but I digress...).

  • Mrs. Julien

    Strange women standing about in kitchens slinging lunch meat is no basis for a system of sexy times.

  • bastich

    That sounds like the saddest "Penthouse Forum" letter ever.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Does it though?

  • Finance_Nerd

    I disagree.

    My bologna has a first name, it's s-e-x-y
    My bologna has a second name, it's t-i-m-e
    Oh, I love to have it everyday,
    And if you ask me why I'll say. . .
    Cuz sexy time has a way. . .
    With c-h-a-r-c-u-t-e-r-i-e

  • thatsmrsnyder

    Two kinds of people.

  • You win the internet today.

  • NateMan

    Bacon, on the other hand...

  • Sandwich wenches (sandwenches?), I understand. But what is the policy on strumpets?

  • kirbyjay

    Crumpet strumpets for our horny, religious, British brethren

  • Finance_Nerd

    Either way, make sure you put a casing on your sausage

  • emmalita

    Just don't let watery tarts choose the form of government and you're golden.

  • Steve

    Nor moistened bints lobbing scimitars.

  • emmalita

    Moistened bints lobbing scimitars should be the next reality competition show.

  • Steve

    …or Olympic event. Summer.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    What about a fallen woman with moist lions?

  • Steve

    Careful with those lions, they're slippery. A woman could fall.

  • emmalita

    Fallen women with moist lions are appropriate anywhere and everywhere.

    We, um I mean, they should be in charge of everything.

  • Mrs. Julien

    They are such fun at parties.

  • I like a good strumpet section, but they have to get behind the trollops. No doxies or trulls, though. I have standards.

  • Aaron Schulz

    What about a tart? Or a Tarted up Doxie?

  • Mrs. Julien

    I enjoy a nice slattern myself.

  • Wigamer

    If I didn't love you before, "slattern" sealed it. It is my very favorite word.

  • Mrs. Julien

    MINE TOO!

  • NateMan

    Aww. As long as you use protection doxies can be a lot of fun.

  • TacoBellRey

    Nothing says split me side ways like giving birth to 19 children. Surprised her uterus hasn't fallen out.

  • Bedewcrock

    Don't Google image vaginal caps. Just don't, Michelle.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    While that was appropriately snarky, good for them if they are genuinely happy together,

    I can't get over the bologna sandwich, though. Wouldn't that be really soggy?

  • emmalita

    Yes, a genuine good for them for finding each other and making each other happy for many years and many children. (Many, many children). I am somewhat less enchanted when they suggest everyone should live the way they do.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    True.

  • NateMan

    They forgot:
    "Buy your wife advance tickets to the Veronica Mars movie, for then she shall be up in your junk like no one's business." I just gave that one a shot and I have high hopes for it. I actually think it's in the Bible.

  • Berry

    As someone who can't even buy her own ticket because of that stupid little body of water knows as the Atlantic fucking ocean, if I were your wife, that would totally work.

  • As someone who bought her own advance ticket to the Veronica Mars movie, I can guarantee that I would totally give it up to a guy that bought tickets and wanted to go with me. Bonus points if he was actually legit excited for the movie himself.

  • NateMan

    Oh, I am. We got into VM together, and I still have my wife's solemn oath that if Kristen Bell ever offers us a 3-way, we're taking her up on it. Not that I require said oath to be entranced by Veronica Mars.

  • emmalita

    I realize that asking for explanations ruins the sexy time romance of it all, but why wait 80 days after a girl, but only 40 after a boy. Are there some girl cooties that might get all up in Jim Bob's manliness? Is it in some part of the. Bible I haven't heard of?

  • Yup. If you go Old Testament/Torah there are laws outlining how long a woman was "unclean" after a child was born, and it was longer for girls than boys.

    And I kind of imagine Jim Bob with this homemade countdown calendar , marking off the days with a sharpie like some kid waiting for Christmas. (Because clearly, she is putting out right regular.)

  • hoppergrass

    Leviticus 12:12

    The Lord said to Moses, “Say
    to the Israelites: ‘A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a
    son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean
    during her monthly period. On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding.

    Gotta love the Old Testament.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I just love it when my natural female bodily functions make me unclean.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    It's the price you pay for being born a corrupting little split tale. I mean, we did get everyone kicked out of Eden...

  • NateMan

    "I just don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."
    --Mr. Garrison

  • Mrs. Julien

    Five days? Amateurs!

  • NateMan

    Yeah I always found it to be wildly inaccurate, especially since my wife got an IUD.

  • webelos8

    That's the worst. half my life I'm bleeding or spotting. I've got to do something else. :(

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Because bitches be nasty. Am I right? Am I right?...

  • Mrs. Julien

    This one is about to be.

  • e jerry powell

    Not until AFTER I hide the camera...

    What? I gotta earn some Internet money somehow...

  • Mrs. Julien

    I am far too specific a fetish for you to make any real cash.

  • e jerry powell

    Don't be so sure...

  • hoppergrass

    The GOOD ones, yes...

  • emmalita

    Oh, Leviticus, source of all the really good stuff. And by good I mean crazy.

  • Today I ate shrimp and wore blended fibers. Take that, Leviticus!

  • emmalita

    When not quipping on Pajiba, I am knitting with blended fibers.

  • DominaNefret

    I'm quietly judging you.

    Though I guess I do have this fabulous cashmere, marino, angora blend.

  • emmalita

    Mixing the fibers of goats, sheep, and rabbits? What's next? Blending milks to make delicious cheeses?

  • And then putting that cheese on meat? Madness.

  • annieanne

    Preceded by a shellfish appetizer.

  • Me too. Lots of wool/nylon socks. I also have a merino/tencel lace scarf on the needles. Just because I'm crapping all over Leviticus doesn't mean it's not pretty crap.

  • emmalita

    Ooooo...pretty. As soon as I finish this cotton, silk, rayon, and merino scarf, I'm going to start my first pair of socks.

  • Mrs. Julien

    SLATTERN!

  • emmalita

    I keep telling people that and they keep insisting I'm a "nice lady."

  • hoppergrass

    Growing up, I always anthropomorphized Leviticus as some crazy old bachelor uncle, the kind who never takes off his stained bathrobe and shuffles along the median of a busy interstate wearing a pasteboard sign and screaming, "Only pass frogs on the right side! Loofah string banana-waddle!" It's the book of the bible most like Charles Manson.

  • e jerry powell

    I have a lot of Levy/Cohen friends. They're FUNNY.

  • emmalita

    I have an uncle and a cousin not to far from that image.

  • NateMan

    You forgot the 'and high on peyote' part of that.

  • It's "punishment" for having a girl child.

  • emmalita

    Ewwww.

  • NateMan

    It's because the sinfulness of one vagina inside another vagina - vagina squared, if you will - creates a magnetic attraction to the original vag, one that calls Satan unto it. If a dude nails his wife in 79 days or less he will almost certainly spawn a tentacular Antichrist that will need to be put down with fire. And no one wants that.

  • Biblically it was only 66 days. I am assuming that is too many "devil numbers" for the Duggars, and if 66 was good enough for Moses' wife, then 80 must really get them close to God.

  • amberdragonfly

    And if she has multiples????? Would that be vagina cubed?

    I think my brain just broke :(

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