They Breathe Coke and They Have Affairs With Each Passing Rock Star
Unfortunately, I kind of shot my wad on Tuesday, and Rowles loves nothing so much as a list, so he's pretty much taken everything else, leaving me the following possibilities:
The Top 5 Episodes of Top Chef: Just Desserts
The Top 5 Reasons Karen Gillan Should Teach Us To Be As Pretty As She Is
The Top 5 Times I Wound Up Completely Writer's Blocked Before Deciding to Just Write Another Fucking Post About Jersey Shore
The Top 5 Assholiest "I'm Getting Pretty Sick of Betty White" Comments
The Top 5 Sneakiest Ways I Scratched a Boob Itch This Year
The time I did it against my desk while feigning searching for a pen would really impress you.
Then, I realized that I exist for but few reasons 'round these parts: to exactly once every six weeks stir up some manner of hatefest regarding things like Christina Hendricks' size and feminism in movies about Facebook, and teach you people about celebrities.
Obviousness is underrated. Celebrities it is. Tuesday was about how celebrities are undoing the very fabric of our society. This one is all about how they're really too stupid to ever actually succeed. And this is why we love them.
5. Lindsay Lohan was typical
Let's just get her out of the way. Hopefully, her extended stay at Betty Ford will set Lindsay Lohan on a path to some kind of improvement. That said, earlier this month she seems to have fabricated a stalker and she and her family spread rumors of an FBI investigation that proved untrue, all to take focus off the fact that she beat up a Betty Ford employee who called her out for being late for curfew, so who knows.
4. Mel Gibson: Sugartits 2.0
In 2006, we learned that Mel Gibson hates Jews and women. Fun. This past year, he spread his good word of hate to "wetbacks", gays, and "glum cunt[s]" everywhere, and we learned apparently once called Winona Ryder an "oven dodger" which might be the most fucked up thing I've ever heard. He beat his wife bad enough to knock out a crown, was recorded calling her all kinds of horrendous words and demanding oral sex. It's been a banner year for Gibson. Will he ever recover? Probably not. But if he does, it won't be before you blow him first.
3. Bombshell Motherfucking McGee
I will say this: Nazis have had their best year in a long time. Look, the overwhelming majority of Sandra Bullock's fanbase doesn't exactly hold tattoo-covered models in the highest regard anyway. But then photos were released of her posing in National Socialist finery. Then word came that her "W" and "P" tattoos on the back of each leg stood for "White Power" (in her incredibly douchey defense, she defended herself saying the letters stand for "Wet Pussy").
The relationship betwixt our Bombshell and Jesse James didn't work out. Tragic. I thought those crazy kids were in it for the long haul. But, strangely, her personal tragedy did great things for Sandra Bullock's professional life. Already deservedly beloved before, now she's a national treasure of sweetness and heartache. Score one for Sandy B.
2. January Jones gets drunk and calls the most commonsensical person she could
This was such a hilariously weird story that it just nearly brushed January Jones into almost being interesting.
Betty Draper was driving home from a bar when she struck three parked cars. (Drunk.) She left the scene, went home, showered and changed clothes, stuck some gum in her mouth, then returned to the scene. (Drunk.) Her story involved paparazzi stalking her, leading to her crash, but witnesses saw no photographers. (Drunk. She was drunk, guys.) A breathalyzer was not administered because apparently they don't do that when you've left the scene, and drunks everywhere learned valuable new lessons.
BUT THEN! The plot thickens. During the period post-crash, but pre-scene flee, January called someone to come help her: The Food Network's Bobby Flay. He came to her aid and told her to get out of there. (Affair.) When questioned, Flay said he'd only met Jones once before (affair) and only gave her his number because she wanted tips on redoing her kitchen. (Affair.)
If either of these people were more interesting, this would have been huge.
1. Jeremy London feigns his own kidnapping
It takes a special kind of crackhead to say "No one really watched that Six Feet Under show, so no one will notice if I steal an episode of it and blame it for my crack use."
Apparently undone by the fact that he was supposed to be the star of Mallrats but all anyone cared about was Jason Lee, Jeremy London took to hard drugs. For reference, Jeremy is the one who is not in Dazed and Confused. That's Jason. This is why twins should not become actors. It's highly confusing to all involved.
I'll let the mildly less ethical TMZ that is Radar handle this:
London's nearly five-hour nightmare started on the evening of June 10: allegedly, the actor was changing a tire on his vehicle near Palm Springs, Calif., when a man forcibly put him in it. Sergeant Steve Douglas told Radar that the suspect "drove (London) around in his own vehicle, while terrorizing him at gun point." ...He then told the authorities he was "forced to smoke dope and then purchase booze and hand it out in a gang area of Palm Springs." London's car was later found in a neighborhood in Palm Springs near his alleged kidnapper's home.
I greet you, 2011. Welcome. Please give us Lacey Chabert robbing a Claire's and Mischa Barton killing a homeless man with a cheesecake.
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