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There Are No Winners in this Thunderdome: The Stupidest/Greatest Hollywood Feuds

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | August 7, 2012 | Comments ()


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I genuinely could not choose an angle here. Because these are all both the dumbest and the awesomest. It's stupid that they exist and yet wonderful. I loathe them. I want them to live inside my eyelids while I drift to sleep.

If you haven't heard, because you are a person with fine interests and who enjoys saintly pleasures, Elton John and Madonna are in some manner of ridiculous/glorious fight. How long have they been embroiled in the flames of idiocy/glory? Who knows. But most recently, this largely one-sided fête of dipshittery/rational saneness has come about because of Madonna's Golden Globe win for a song no one heard from a movie no one saw (and which completely glossed over the whole "they were BFF with Nazis" thing). Anyway, this time he said, "She's such a nightmare. Her career is over, I can tell you that," John said. "Her tour is a disaster and it couldn't happen to a bigger c---." Then he called her a "fairground stripper" and we learn that we're all going to the wrong fairgrounds (or the right ones).

This is fancy and stupid. Let's have more.

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The Kardashians versus Jon Hamm

Remember that time Jon Hamm further exploded our loins into tatters when he said Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton were "fucking idiot[s]" and the Kardashians jumped on the chance to get their names in the news like they were Bruce Jenner and it was a facelift? Le sigh. Beautiful.

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Shia LaBeouf versus Frankie Muniz

Apparently these two hate each other and have since the days of "Even Stevens" and Agent Cody Banks. Was it over Hilary Duff? I bet it was over Hilary Duff. Because this fight needs some Aaron Carter. Anyway, Beef is still bringing it up as of two years ago, which is just a little bit on the sad side since no one else has brought up Frankie Muniz in the last two years, bless him.

Vanilla Ice versus Ron Jeremy

Without the slightest hint of irony, I want "The Surreal Life" to come back so bad, you guys.

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Katy Perry versus Lily Allen

Katy Perry called herself a "skinnier version of Lily Allen." Trick, you wish. Then her "apology" was to say that "Comedians are not necessarily to be taken super seriously." Yes, a comedian. CK. Hicks. Carlin. Whipped cream can boobs.

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Weird Al versus Coolio

I think we can just let the songs duke it out for themselves. We are the winners here. FOOOOL.

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Lindsay Lohan versus Everyone

Ryan Murphy and Gwyneth Paltrow. Rosie O'Donnell. Pitbull. George Lopez. Betty fucking White. Lindsay has a Google Alert and she's not afraid to use it.



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  • Tyler

    The best comedians were meant to be taken seriously. If you disagree you've never listened to Bill Hicks or George Carlin go on seemingly endless rants of perfection against society and the wealthy. Fuck you Katy, hope you get raped ;)

  • Matt

    Muniz should have been in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. He probably wouldn't have crapped on it just to appease angsty film snobs.

  • Jezzer

    Katy Perry, you release a song that is fit to lick the stylish boots of "The Fear," and then you might have the tiniest bit of room to throw shade at Lily Allen.

  • Serpentlord

    Coolio was mad Weird Al did his song?

    When the introduction to your Wikipedia page reads
    He is best known for the song "Gangsta's Paradise", and the theme song for Kenan & Kel..." you should be thankful people just remember the song with "Gangsta" in the title.

  • 'Shia LaBeouf versus Frankie Muniz'
    This was a thing?!
    That's the best thing I ever heard. That must have been like watching two guinea pigs wrestle with their teeny weeny little non-arms. Except douchier. Why didn't we put them in an arena and take bets for fuck's sake?!

  • cinekat

    My money would've been on the ref.

  • TheAggroCraig

    The Weird Al/Coolio thing was so stupid. Coolio was upset at Yankovic for "stealing his song" when "Gangsta's Paradise" is Stevie Fucking Wonder's "Pastime Paradise" with a fat sweaty dude singing the bridge. Shut up, dude. I guess he's over it now though, the royalty money probably helped with that.

  • LaineyBobainey

    Wait, Court, I need to know this - is that actually a real, non-doctored picture of Lilo? Because if so, holy shitsnacks! This will haunt my dreams.

  • John W

    Elton John vs Madonna interesting battle of the divas....John Hamm slams the Kardashians I remember that...Shia vs Frankie...didn't know they had a history......Vanilla Ice vs Ron Jeremy, cmon vanilla...Ron will always be cooler than you...Katy vs Lily...snooze....Weird Al vs Coolio..that's old news...let's see who's next...GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! What the hell!!

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    You know what I love about the Jon Hamm comment? Kim Kardashian got all pissed off. But Paris Hilton just shrugged. At least she knows.
    (Or, at least, I assume she knows. I don't know what goes on in her head, man.)

  • MarkTemporis

    Paris Hilton probably thought: "eh, still rich." and bought another diamond-studded dick wiper for her little dog or something.

  • $27019454

    Shia LeBrf's nose looks like a 2-car garage.

  • C. C. Curtis

    wait, that's Madonna in the header pic? I thought that was some brave "Stifler's Mom" cosplayer...

  • TK

    The cutest thing about this list is the fact that Lindsay Lohan is somehow under the impression that Gwyneth Paltrow actually gives a fuck what she thinks.

  • I very much enjoyed the Russell Crowe/George Clooney brouhaha of a few years ago. Something about compromising artistic integrity by making commercials. I don't remember all the deets but by my lights Crowe wins. every. thing.

  • BWeaves

    Wow, I look younger than Lindsay Lohan does in that pic, and I'm way over 50.

  • cinekat

    I know! Shje makes me feel good about myself in a bad way... and no, not that way you perv.

  • Sirilicious

    I was a bit taken aback by that pic. It looks like someone with the appropriate skills chose a picture from a twenty year old Lohan (or any point before the fillers and botox and what not) and aged it up to 40, in an honest attempt to envision what she wil be like then.

    I both like it and am unnerved by it.

  • Lindsay Lohan vs. the natural aging process.

  • Lemon_Poundcake

    Seriously. Girl's been ridden hard and put away wet.

  • SugarSmak

    I would also love to see The Surreal Life come back - I've been watching old episodes on Hulu. But, who would anyone want to see on it? I have a few suggestions:

    - Limahl from Kajagoogoo (don't know why, really, he kind of fills that "faded 80s singer" demo)
    - Elvira (Mistress of the Dark, of course)
    - Lynda Carter and Lou Ferrigno (Wonder Woman AND the Hulk? Awesome sauce!)
    - Pete Burns from Dead or Alive - because have you SEEN that guy lately?
    - Alfonso Ribiero (beloved TV sidekick, awesome dancer)

    You can leave out the requisite Playboy bimbo...or do an All-Stars season (before they all go to heaven...RIP Sherman and Tammy Faye...) Dream cast:

    Ron Jeremy
    C.C. Deville
    Charo
    Verne Troyer
    Hammer!
    Alexis Arquette
    Erik Estrada

  • F'mal DeHyde

    I'm a reality TV snob but I LOVED that season with Tammy Faye. What a lovely woman she was... I had no idea.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Madonna and Elton John feuding... it sounds like a drag queen's wet dream.

  • psemophile

    Michael Bay vs. Every Man and Woman with Half a Brain.

  • Glenn Beck

    As Pajiba's resident quarter-brainier, I find your comment offensive, downright socialist even.

  • BierceAmbrose

    So, now we've learned that Vanilla Ice can't keep his cool, and Ron Jeremy is a douchenozzle.

  • BierceAmbrose

    I tried not to. I really did.

  • Samantha Klein

    Dear Katy Perry,

    Fuck you. You will never have half the talent or charm of Lily Allen. I don't care how skinny you are.

    Very sincerely,

    Me.

  • Samantha, You're An Idiot

    .. Seriously Samantha? Lily Allen? Charm? Haha she sings about giving blowjobs, how charming is that? Actually, they BOTH sing about giving blowjobs. What's half of NO TALENT amount to again?

  • Rooks

    Second Counterpoint: Lily Allen is a twat. The only good thing about that woman is her brother.

  • Devil Child

    Third Counterpoint.

    Lily Allen doesn't sing in a style reminiscent of Ebola patients, in fact, I actually like the songs of hers I've heard, or at the very least don't hate them. Unless she's a Billy Joel level twat, who cares?

  • Fredo

    Counterpoint: Katy's boobs

  • Counter-counterpoint: Lily Allen has actually shown her boobs.

  • andynd568

    and meh... is my response to that

  • MikeRoorda

    Can I get a ruling on this? It is? Ok, we're actually going to count "Katy's boobs" as two points.

  • Maguita NYC

    That Jon Hamm attack on the Kardashians disappointed me so much. I am the first to despise and ridicule anything Kardashian, but the fact that he attacked publicly a woman he never met, especially when he could have as easily dissed that Situation shithead, or any other male meathead in the "Reality TV" business for that matter. And there are so many of them available for criticism.

    His act simply screamed sexist pig, as if no matter what, he cannot break the "bro-code" and attack assholes on the same shitty level as the Kardashians.

  • Devil Child

    I'm pretty sure you're just trolling, but for the people who really think like this, keep in mind that Kim Kardashian's family made their fortune by keeping the America's second most obvious murderer out of prison. She deserves every insult thrown at her.

  • MarkTemporis

    Who's the first most obvious? That guy who played Baretta?

  • Ash

    plus the whole 'got peed on' sex tape. she's all klass.

  • Maguita NYC

    Well, on that one I definitely agree... the murderer that is. But, wouldn't that be much like blaming children for their Nazi parents actions?

    Again, not that the Ks deserve my sympathy...

  • Maguita NYC

    I refuse to be put in the position to defend a Kardashian of all people!

    Misquoted, misread, misunderstood. Mr. Pajiba himself, Dustin Rowles, better start paying me for this, because I'm starting to feel like one of the Pajiba contributors!

    I am crying a river people. Polly needs a double-fudge-chocolate-chip cookie.

  • sheerlunacy

    I think you're angling for a position as a contributor with the sheer amount of posts you make. God forbid that ever happens, your comments are always beyond vapid and way too numerous.

  • Maguita NYC


    1 - I was referring to a past conversation where it was established that commentators tend to disagree with most things the writers put up there, not my wish to put my vapid comments up as one of the contributors.

    2 - Honestly, I'm kind of hurt by your comment Sheerlunacy. If there is one thing I never truly expected, is to be bullied on a geek site. Maybe, I'm just that big a geek.

  • Devil Child

    I'm not blaming Kim Kardashian for getting OJ off, I'm blaming her for using the money that got OJ off to catapult her career.

    Since I'm not the one who brought up the Nazi example in the first place, imagine if Joseph Mengele's granddaughter became South American socialite, and paid for her first photo-shoot with golden teeth. Imagine if Mrs. Duvalier spent a hundred grand on fireworks for her wedding. Imagine if Bashar al-Assad's hot wife had puff pieces for herself written in Vogue.

    Now stop imagining, because two of those things actually happened.

  • BendinIntheWind

    Found the interview I was referring to earlier:
    http://www.thefrisky.com/2012-...

    "People are going to be naturally predisposed to dislike sisters who are doing it for themselves. And it’s crazy, and it’s not just men; it’s very often other women... There seems to be this expectation of: ‘Hold on, lady. You just stay in your place. Don’t try to reach for too much.’ ”

  • BendinIntheWind

    To be fair, that quote is part of a larger blurb where his main point was about the "incuriousness" (his word) of people who make it their goal in life to be "famous" without merit (usually by way of a sex tape or nepotism). The Kardashians and Hiltons were examples he gave.

    In other interviews, it's actually pretty clear that he considers himself a feminist. There's nothing sexist about it - the Kardashians are pretty much the mascots right now of "idiots making millions of dollars on reality shows where they act like idiots". Kim has no one to blame but herself: she thinks she's a businesswoman by marketing herself as a "product", but the problem is that it's a shitty product.

  • BarbadoSlim

    Really? You realize the Kardashian media empire is completely based on Kim getting pissed on, right? Hey, but if that is your feminine icon..

  • Maguita NYC

    "Really? You realize the Kardashian media empire is completely based on Kim getting pissed on, right? Hey, but if that is your feminine icon.."

    Please read comments properly. I could also quite kindly explain the following excerpts from my comment if need be:
    "I am the first to despise and ridicule anything Kardashian"
    "attack assholes on the same shitty level as the Kardashians".

    Simply, kindly ask in advance.
    Thank you.

  • Fred

    Kardashian is the most successful reality TV idiot at the moment. She's the head idiot, if you will. Obviously he's going to mention her. How you can possibly ascribe sexism to him from that comment is beyond me.

  • Maguita NYC

    At the time of his comment, the Jersey Shore men were as much in the media as the Kim K. And of course I think he was a sexist pig, because he only mentioned the 2 women, none of the men, and confirmed this by stating that there was no misquote.

    I was disappointed because at the time, I expected much better from what used to be a more respectable and adorable Jon Hamm.

  • Jezzer

    He might have logically assumed that any sane listeners would understand that he was most likely equally in contempt of male celebutards without him having to list an example of every gender, race, and creed like he was organizing a bag of M&Ms into separate containers.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Yeah, I think KK is way more famous than The Situation. She has built fashion lines, public appearances, advertising campaigns and more out of a sex video and a reality tv show. Paris Hilton did the same thing - they were famous daughters.

    The Situation is most likely also an idiot, but at the very least he didn't START FROM A POSITION OF WEALTH. He might have whored his idiocy, but they didn't NEED to.

    And as others have pointed out, we'll have achieved equality when we can disdain women as easily as men.

    For the record, I'm not sure why it's ok for you to criticize women you've never met but not him. He was commenting on an industry he's part of.

    Also for the record: I'm ambivalent to the Hamm. He's funny, he's cute, but I'm not in love with him and I don't watch Mad Men.

    That being said, you're free to be disappointed in him, of course, but it comes across as random.

  • space_oddity


    Yeah, I think KK is way more famous than The Situation.
    I think this 'situation' calls for the use of the Kardashian unit of measurement.
    http://kottke.org/12/05/a-kard...

  • Tinkerville

    Sorry but I'm still at a complete loss as to how you could get sexism from that statement. So just because he named two women and no men, that makes him sexist? If someone asked me who I thought the stupidest politicians working today were, I would name Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann without a second thought. Does the fact that I didn't include men in that sentence make me sexist? No, it just means that Palin and Bachmann are at forefront of political idiocy and therefore jump to the front of my brain when asked that question. Of course I would name additional men if I had more time to think about it.

    Same goes for stupid celebrities. Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are known for being idiotic famewhores and Kim in particular is the current queen of the "stupidest celebrity" title. Hamm doesn't need to add men's names to the mix to balance it out since what he said was both accurate and understandable given how prevalent both of them are in pop culture. That also doesn't mean he doesn't think the Jersey Shore men are equally stupid, he probably just named the two people he could think of first, who happen to be the two people who are representative of the kind of culture he's decrying.

  • Devil Child

    Do people really need to balance out their attacks on contemptible retards by gender ratio nowadays?

    Sarah Palin, Kim Kardashian, and Michelle Bachmann would be just as deserving of a one way ticket to the Ayatollah's nuclear testing site if they had penises. They'd still deserve every insult Jon Hamm could throw at them regardless if The Situation got tacked down behind their names.

    As long as an insult is based in the personal, truthful actions and comments showing someone's lack of character or principals, only a total fucking imbecile would play the persecution card as a defense, ala anyone defending Ryan Murphy by calling his detractors homophobes.

  • Maguita NYC

    Quite honestly, both John and Madonna are old twats. However, Madonna is the one with the shapelier ass, and John is sounding quite jealous of it. The Queen should dis-knight him for his repeat tacky twatiness.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    Dis-knight? Is that a thing? Don't make me look it up.
    :::goes to look it up:::

  • BarbadoSlim

    Any confrontation with Shia Lebeouf (whatever) is an automatic default win for whoever is not Shia Lebouf. Remember that kid in school that always had a sweaty upper lip? Yeah that's him

  • Tinkerville

    I had the misfortune of meeting Shia Lebeouf a few years back when they were filming a scene for Indiana Jones 4 in my hometown. Yes, of all the movies that came to our little town it had to be that pile of trash. And yes, instead of running into Harrison Ford or Steven Speilberg I met that twat. In any case, you summed up his presence pretty well.

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