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Their Union is Unholy: The Celebrity Couplings That Will Bring About Our Very Undoing

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | August 23, 2012 | Comments ()


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The holy water! GET THE HOLY WATER!

So...Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger got engaged. I mean, I guess. Sure. Why not. If for no other reason than, really, who would have seen it coming that the antichrist would be Canadian? That's just clever thinking.

I didn't even know they were dating, and now they're all lovey-dovey, 14 carat ring engaged, which is kind of bizarre. Were I a cynic, I would say "either they're nervous about fading and trying the 'power-couple' thing, or he's gay." But then one of them would try and get all litigious and I don't know how to fight Nickelback in matters of law other than to be all "quick, Chad, look over there at that photograph and laugh!" and run away. So, until their unpure love destroys all mankind by bringing about the beast, I wish them the very best. Mazel tov. Ave, ave versus Christus.

If for some reason Chavril is not the pairing that ignites the end of days, don't worry--there are others.

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Taylor Swift and Connor Kennedy

I don't know if you're following this. But you should be. BECAUSE IT IS SO TAYLOR. Swifticles is trying to land herself a Kennedy. Her best shot? An 18-year-old. She's 22. While that may seem like a fairly small age difference, have you ever met an 18-year-old boy? They are practically feral. Even the rich ones. But Taylor WANTS it. So, she bought a house on the Kennedy compound and crashed a Kennedy wedding, reportedly (from the groom's mother herself) looking through the groom's mother like a "ghost" when she asked her to leave. When you have a mission, etiquette is out the window, ma'am.

This is different from "ew, icky celebs doing it" relationships. This is really bad. Because IMAGINE the songs. "Camelot." "An American Princess" (which would obviously co-incide with a clothing line of the same name, made up entirely of those annoying '60s bathing suits she's been wearing since she made the decision that she would become Taylor Kennedy, dammit [a decision I am certain she made at the pond at a Princess Diana memorial]). And when those songs come about, we will have no choice but to The Happening ourselves and civilization will quickly die out.

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Kanye West and Kim Kardashian

When two attention hogs of this nature come together, there is no hope for us. You thought her fake wedding was in our faces? Wait until these two break out the whoring. Fake pregnancies, fake engagements, fake fights, and the Twitter. THE TWITTER. It will begin glorious, then kill us all as we turn rapidly into drooling idiots under their rule.

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Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson

I have a theory that Kristen Stewart knew their union would lead to an I Am Legend-esque apocalypse, only instead of naked vampire zombie things, it's fat middle-aged women and tween girls. Civilization would basically become Honey Boo Boo. So, Stewart threw herself on Rupert Whatsit (I forgot his name because, you know why) to save society itself. We will remember her as a martyr. Holy Saint Kristen, patron of those who have intimate experiences in a very uncomfortable place (like the back of a Mini).

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Tom Cruise and his next lady

They thought they'd found the perfect malleable lump of clay in Katie Holmes. But her position as L. Ron's next pod bride of hellfire didn't so much work out. So they'll have to do better next time. And this next chick? Will be EMPTY. Don't get me wrong; she'll be able to make with the cute charm. But she'll need to be as vapid as they come so they can fix her. "We can't have another disaster like the last one," they'll cry, throwing their fists in the air as the fall to their knees. "JOEY POOOTTTTTEEERRR!"



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Lulu

    Can we add Geri Halliwell and Russel Brand to this... I know they are British but surely that shit is hellspawn waiting to happen "they bonded over their mutual love of yoga" Are you kidding me??

  • Natallica

    I don't know why, but I get SUCH a creepy feeling from Taylor Swift. Whenever I look at her, I instantly think of Tracy Flick. The fact that she also looks a lot like Anton LaVey's daughter, Zeena, really doesn't help at all:
    http://www.detoxorcist.com/ima...

  • Kala

    An eighteen year old Kennedy?

    It's official: No one, but NO ONE, has bad judgment like Taylor Swift. She is either the most naive little kitten walking the planet, or she is so mind-numbingly stupid that I find myself unable to come up with a comparable plant, animal, or mineral. I must chug several pots of coffee and brainstorm an imaginary Creature of Dumb to use as a yardstick. There will be much scribbling. I'll be in my studio.

  • MillionsV

    How could you have forgotten Christina Hendricks and that troll from Supertroopers?

  • Orleanas

    Taylor Swift irritates me because her music is redundant. She seems to only sing adolescent-scenario types of "love" songs. More annoying is that she uses her songs to publicize her ex-"relationships" while also trying to come off as some sort of virginal victim. I've never seen someone so proud to talk about her failed hook-ups so much. She's John Mayer--but worse because she actually talks about them whereas Mayer is just pictured with his female hookups and leaves us to speculate. I curse the day she got Kanye'd because that catapulted her to where she is now.

  • Xtacle Steve

    I don't care if Avril and the Nickleback guy want to get married. But, if they end up some kind of horrible spawn, I hope to God that they keep it away from any musical instruments. Also, Jesus Tap Dancing Christ that is an ugly man. I never thought I'd say this, but grow your goatee back out.

  • Orleanas

    Russel Brand without facial hair and eyeliner, Flavor Flav, Steve Buscemi, Renee Zellwegger are examples of 'ugly-like" types of celebrities. While I wouldn't say Nickelback guy is a hotty, I would't call him ugly either. In fact, based on this picture, he's just a regular looking caucasian dude. As a celebrity, people take offense to people looking regular, that's all.

  • I'm telling you. It's gonna be Dane Cook and Whitney Cummings.

    Unless...........unless the antichrist has already been born. How did I not see it? It was in our faces the entire time, but we were all to damn pop culture jaded to see! It's Blue Ivy Carter! She'll ask for the end times as a christmas present and Jay-Z and Beyonce will just buy it for her!!!

    Everyone! I've heard rumors that Joel McHale has a special celebrity fallout shelter underneath the studio they film The Soup in!

  • Jennifer Hofstetter

    Taylor Swift is the next Mrs. Tom Cruise, y'all. I'm calling it now.

  • Is... is Tom Cruise pulling a Patrick Swayze move there? Is his next mission the reboot of the sequel to Dirty Dancing, only with Roadhouse fight scenes involving tiny humans, so he can pretend he's tall enough to play Jack Reacher? Ah hell, forget I said anything. Someone might actually make that movie, and then I'd have to shoot myself.

  • BarbadoSlim

    Lavigne and Kroeger just about define "softcore." And Kanye aint fooling anybody, he's marrying that Armenian urinal to get access to all the big cock in her little black book.

  • Jezzer

    "...I don’t know how to fight Nickelback in matters of law other than to be all “quick, Chad, look over there at that photograph and laugh!” and run away."

    I just hurt myself laughing. Also, is Kim Kardashian's skin just 90% foundation? Is that how it repels urine?

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    See, I know that Taylor Swift is "legal" and stuff. But is she even allowed out past 9pm? I am aware that she "dated" John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal. But did anyone really get to second base?

    And before you answer that question: Pictures or it never happened. 'Kay?

    I have a 14 year old daughter who liked Taylor Swift about three years ago. She has moved on. Taylor Swift has not. So I think an 18 year old boy may still be too old for Taylor.

    My two cents. Don't spend it all in one place.

  • special snowflake

    oh, mercy, so much coupling madness going on that I wasn't aware of, I'm almost wishing I had never clicked onto this in the first place.
    However, missing out on that hilarious Avril/Chad engagement wrap-up would have been my loss. I didn't even know who Chad was when I started reading, but this 'doomsday assessment' would have had me laughing no matter who the coupling was - nothing breaks up a long day quite like a smart-alecky commentary at just the right time, that one did it for me, so thanks, Enlow.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Okay... I think Taylor Swift saw Wes Andersen's Moonrise Kingdom and thought, "Gee... that would be cute... let's make it happen! Meet me in Hyannis Port!"

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    This.

  • e jerry powell

    I couldn't even fit one of my ass cheeks into a Mini. I did have sex in a late model Ford Escort, though. Twice. I think it explains my back problems. I was not quite as young and flexible as KStew, and no one involved was married.

  • Maguita NYC

    Actually, if you look at the pictures of said affair, it is Rupert Sanders' flexibility that you must have some admiration for.

    Gotta give it to the home-wrecker, through the decades starlets have been going down on Directors for a chance at a role, Kristen however made a Director go down on her for a role. And apparently, quite the shitty role it was.

  • Bert_McGurt

    And of course we shan't forget Taylor's much-besongedly maligned ex, John Mayer and his status as rebound man for Katy "Elmo Boobs" Perry. It's a special kind of man that makes people think "Well, that's definitely a step down from Russell Brand."

  • It's a horrible world we live in, and truly a testament to Perry's godawful rottenness that she can turn a term like 'Elmo Boobs' into a negative thing. That's like someone corrupting the term 'Nutella Guitar.' How the fuck does one manage that?

  • space_oddity

    Mmm. Nutella.

  • Fredo

    who would have seen it coming that the antichrist would be Canadian?

    Well no one. And that's why it's so devilishly brilliant. Canadians are known for being non-combative, pleasant and friendly. They're like that whole neighborhood across from yours where all the lawns are impeccable and everyone decorates on Christmas or gives out candy on Halloween (and the good stuff too! None of that small Raisins box bullshit!). They're so friendly and don't mind when the Yankees cross the border to take a steaming dump on the poor Blue Jays or that the Stanley Cup can't find its way north of Boston or Chicago anymore. They're fine with all that...really.

    And while they have lulled us to sleep, an army of fire-breathing monster moose is being formed in the depths of the Canadian Rockies. Giant wolves are bred to pull chariots decked in blood-red maple leaves. And hockey sticks are reforged in steel -- to take a man's head at full sprint. When we least suspect it, they will swoop down upon us and catch us watching for the poor illegal Mexicans trying to cross the southern border. No one expects the darkness that will come from the North! Their army will be led by the offspring of Chad and Avril and he will be known as "Ch8der".

    We are aboot to be fucked. Winter is definitely coming!

  • Bert_McGurt

    You should have expected it when the Four Hoorsemen of the Apoc-Eh?-lypse arrived. Of course there's Famine (Celine Dion), Pestilence (Justin Bieber), War (pronounced 'Whoa', aka Keanu Reeves), and of course Death (RIP Joshua Jackson).

  • I lived in Canada for three years, and they really are as innocuous as it appears. They say they care, but not enough to do anything about it. I mean the UK finally had to kick them out of the next in the 1950's. The 1950's! Think about it. They were quite happy being a colony - of course they still are, just an economic system not a political one: selling their resources as quickly as possible to the highest bidder to pay for their education and health care, while their souls slowly melt along with the glaciers and arctic sea ice. This is why the antichrist will come from Canada as @Fredo notes.

  • Wednesday

    Predictions of the coming apocalypse never scared me...till now.

  • BobbFrapples

    I'm calling it now: Taylor Swift will run for president in 2028. A Kennedy as First Husband and there will be no stopping her.

  • Sara S.

    Swift for president. Can you imagine the theme song she'd come up with for her candidacy? "It's a presidency just say YES! (to Taylor Swift 2028)

  • Maguita NYC

    There are things that belong together, that would fight whatever message the Universe is sending to get together. Like Bread and Butter, Surf and Turf, Cookies and Milk, pot and cookie dough.

    Just don't fight it, let them be.

    And some unholy things like Avril and Chad, Kim and Kanye, Tom and the next 10-year contract, by simply getting together, are saving the rest of the population from self-mutilation.

    Next up, please let Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen find their way to one another! I beg, for the survival of sanity.

  • Pixel_Perfect

    I think you meant "malleable" for Katie Holmes? Or perhaps COS has some new Xenu way of fitting young, unsuspecting women in the "if it fits, it ships" boxes?

  • Stupid autocorrect. Yes, I wrote that line on my phone.

  • Guest

    Come on. Taylor Swift and Connor Kennedy are cute.

  • Wōđanaz Óðinn

    Excellent trolling!

  • Guest

    Being a thirteen year old girl and friends with some obsessive "swifties", I kinda like T-Swizzle. That being said, I think she's pretty annoying.

  • valerie

    I agree. Swift and Kennedy are kids. Who cares if they want to date.

  • Tinkerville

    These pictures almost made me punch my computer screen. Their faces are so.. smarmy..

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