The Tao of Lohan
Have you spent the last 36 hours without power, huddled up in your apartment, unable to leave, scared and with only 20 percent battery life left on your phone?
Well, it's probably because you're so negative. If you'd just pray for peace, there wouldn't be standing water in your building's entryway. GAWD.
At least, that's what Lindsay thinks.
Don't trouble yourself, my simple, simple idiots. There's a lot more where that came from. Chick has gems for days. Gems like:
She will bring about world peace single-handedly. Because the other hand will be rolling a dollar.
Will no one think of the millionaires? *shakes fist* OBAMA!
If we're being serious here, Dina Lohan being a shoe really would explain a lot about her skin condition. I'm sorry for everything Dina, you well-oiled, supple leather loafer, you.
They really do come true, you guys, if you try your best. And by "try your best" I mean fake walking pneumonia every single time those mean movie people make you work. UGGGHHH, pretending and wearing a wig is so haaaaaaaaaaarrrd.
See, while you people are running around making big deals of this "hurry-cane" thing or whatever, Lindsay's directing her important prayers where they belong: the royal dongpiece. And that's why she has a Birkin and a Mac computer (MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT) and you're cutting a single bean into slices to share with your friends. YOU ARE A PEASANT NOTHING.
This was literally my favorite thing that's ever happened, because, if you missed this one, Lindsay Lohan was at no point ever mentioned in the Vanity Fair article about Tom Cruise. Ever.
"And in weather news, diamond-studded vomit appears to have fallen from fancy heaven today, September 1..."
So, okay, this is from Lindsay's second Twitter. She made a whole separate creepy Liz Taylor Twitter and only used it twice. I don't...I don't know. I don't know what this says. I don't know. I think it's code. But apparently it was important enough for her to retweet from her other Twitter. ... I just don't know. Crack is weird.
And this has been your weekly wisdom from Lindsay Lohan. I don't know about you, but I feel like I've been beaten in the skull with a lava lamp for 40 minutes. I bet that's what it feels like to be Lindsay. I'm gonna go wear someone else's pants and buy some sea jasper and rose quartz, BRB.
Pajiba Love Express
Here's some Daveed Diggs for you. On Daveed Diggs' digs, actually. That man does things with clothes that should not make sense, but are absolutely perfect. (Go Fug Yourself)
Woody Allen has "so moved on" from his daughter's accusations and says he never even thinks about it. He equates her words about him to a bad review he won't read and comments on how wacky it is that Mia Farrow is his mother-in-law. He is the worst. (Celebitchy)
Not The Worst but still very gross: Leonardo DiCaprio and his
Here are 5 under-the-radar shows. I had never even heard of the first two. (Uproxx)