The Tao of Lohan
film / tv / lists / guides / news / love / celeb / video / think pieces / staff / podcasts / web culture / politics / dc / snl / netflix / marvel / cbr

The Tao of Lohan

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | October 30, 2012 | Comments ()


Have you spent the last 36 hours without power, huddled up in your apartment, unable to leave, scared and with only 20 percent battery life left on your phone?

Well, it's probably because you're so negative. If you'd just pray for peace, there wouldn't be standing water in your building's entryway. GAWD.

At least, that's what Lindsay thinks.


Don't trouble yourself, my simple, simple idiots. There's a lot more where that came from. Chick has gems for days. Gems like:


She will bring about world peace single-handedly. Because the other hand will be rolling a dollar.


Will no one think of the millionaires? *shakes fist* OBAMA!


If we're being serious here, Dina Lohan being a shoe really would explain a lot about her skin condition. I'm sorry for everything Dina, you well-oiled, supple leather loafer, you.


They really do come true, you guys, if you try your best. And by "try your best" I mean fake walking pneumonia every single time those mean movie people make you work. UGGGHHH, pretending and wearing a wig is so haaaaaaaaaaarrrd.


See, while you people are running around making big deals of this "hurry-cane" thing or whatever, Lindsay's directing her important prayers where they belong: the royal dongpiece. And that's why she has a Birkin and a Mac computer (MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT) and you're cutting a single bean into slices to share with your friends. YOU ARE A PEASANT NOTHING.


Testify, sister.



This was literally my favorite thing that's ever happened, because, if you missed this one, Lindsay Lohan was at no point ever mentioned in the Vanity Fair article about Tom Cruise. Ever.


"And in weather news, diamond-studded vomit appears to have fallen from fancy heaven today, September 1..."


So, okay, this is from Lindsay's second Twitter. She made a whole separate creepy Liz Taylor Twitter and only used it twice. I don't...I don't know. I don't know what this says. I don't know. I think it's code. But apparently it was important enough for her to retweet from her other Twitter. ... I just don't know. Crack is weird.

And this has been your weekly wisdom from Lindsay Lohan. I don't know about you, but I feel like I've been beaten in the skull with a lava lamp for 40 minutes. I bet that's what it feels like to be Lindsay. I'm gonna go wear someone else's pants and buy some sea jasper and rose quartz, BRB.

15 Movies About Moving and Moving On | 5 Shows After Dark 10/30/12

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • kirbyjay

    Weekly Wisdom from Windsey Wohan.
    Elmer Fudd couldn't have said it better

  • Milly

    Oh, Andrew and your thoughtful nods when you don't understand what the Chinese potential is saying.

    Why have you not been in more things while prancing with two others in a field playing a lyre.

  • David Sorenson

    What the hell people? Lindsay was totes right about the hurricane. While you and your "scientists" - more like "lie-entists"- were blaming this hurricane on "nature" or "weather patterns" or "global warming" (which is an entirely different level of lie really. It's still getting cold in the fall where I live!), Lindsay was hard at work figuring out what really caused the hurricane. Negative energy. All the hatred and anger just spilled out over the ocean and spun up this massive "hate-icane" Maybe if everyone just was nicer to each other (and watched more Mean Girls or Georgia Rule) then things like "hate-icanes" wouldn't happen any more, and there would be peace. I know you're all going to come down on me with your facts and stuff, but I'll still send positive energy to you. That's how positive I am, and how committed I am to the Lohan Program of Positivity.

    P.S. Out of all the bullshit I just typed, I feel the worst about using the term "totes."

  • alwaysanswerb

    For some unfathomable reason, I maintain an ounce of sympathy and pity for her. Don't get me wrong; I know she's an asshole. But she is clearly an asshole because she has been raised by two other assholes. Like, her condition is not de novo assholism.

  • Pentadactyl

    Blode! I'd so forgotten about that site.

  • carrie

    it's great to laugh!

  • beartato

    Hilariously enough, that is clearly a fake Birkin.

  • kushiro -

    Also, laptop she allegedly neglected to return to the hotel that owns it, and jet sent by studio to get her back to her damned job after she faked sickness. Living the dream!

  • Bodhi

    She is my favorite trainwreck. I wonder what she'll have in store for us if she doesn't join the 27 club

  • L.O.V.E.

    Ms. Lohan, what you've just written is one of the most insanely idiotic
    things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent tweets were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone on the internet is now dumber for having viewed it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

  • cater

    Oh God, I can't believe I'm going to defend Lindsay, but if the date stamp on the screenshot is right, she made the Harry tweet on September 07, around the time a terrorist group announced they were targeting him. The writing of the post seems to imply she sent it out within the last few days, which isn't true.

    But I agree she's a dope.

  • BWeaves

    How is it that nobody, NOBODY, none of her friends or family have locked her away in real rehab?

  • Bedewcrock

    She can't make them any money if she's locked up in some hooha rehab place.

  • chanohack

    I am interested in this "hooha rehab." Go on.

  • Natallica

    Aww, she decorated her Mac with colored cocaine chalk. So cute

  • firedmyass

    I knew she was a train-wreck, but this shit is the apex of high-larity. Just the most glorious gibbering stupidity. No functioning human could make this stuff up. I've never enjoyed being appalled like this.

  • Sirilicious

    I thank you very hard, especially for the Sandy bits. I live nowhere NEAR America, and i got a rage rash when i saw that tweet yesterday.

    I really need a lot of people tweeting the number of deaths and general damage to her the next three months. Can we sue her for not praying hard enough?

    I know i shouldn't froth over 'special' people, but ffs.

blog comments powered by Disqus