The Smoky Flesh of Jennifer Lawrence Will Soon Be Smoothed with Honey, Spiced Orange Zest, and Ginger, Just as Nature Intended

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrities Are Better than You | February 28, 2014 | Comments ()


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BiteLabs, a startup designed to prompt widespread discussion about three things we always think of in tandem — bioethics, lab-grown meats and celebrity culture — has set about designing artisanl salami made from celebrities. Though the controversial founders remain anonymous, these celebrity meats are apparently real, and the firm has allegedly begun discussions with New Harvest, a non-profit promoting research into alternatives to conventionally produced meat.

One alternative to conventionally produced meat? In-vitro meat, made from the cells of celebrities like Jennifer Lawrence, Kanye West, and James Franco. The most popular so far? Jennifer Lawrence, because apparently our appetite for more Jennifer Lawrence is more than emotional. It’s cannibalistic.

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Today, according to the Bitelabs website, In-Vitro meat production is close to becoming a reality, offering highly controllable meat production without the animal cruelty, waste, and environmental impacts of industrial farming. But this process can offer so much more than replicas of beef and pork. It can also provide JLaw on a platter.

I wonder what Chris Pratt tastes like? Bratwurst, is my guess, while Mickey Rourke tastes like cigarettes and gristle.

Source: Bitelabs




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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Jezzer

    When I hear the word "startup," I immediately assume it's going to be something stupid and pretentious. Glad to see that trend isn't being bucked here.

  • e jerry powell

    "Try the cock, Albert. It's a delicacy, and you know where it's been."

  • Ziver

    soylent green!

  • TacoBellRey

    This is really freakin weird, and this is coming from someone who verbally abuses her coffee maker on a daily basis.

  • Mrs. Julien

    IT KNOWS WHAT IT DID!

  • TacoBellRey

    Damn Keurigs... but mine is purple and so pretty so I can't stay mad for too long.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Then actor, it's compacter, but always arrives overdone...

  • TacoBellRey

    Never a bad time for a Sweeney Todd reference.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Emma Thompson is doing some performances of Lovett next week with the Philharmonic...and I am in rehearsals every evening...UGH. I would LOVE to see it.

    http://nyphil.org/ConcertsTick...

  • TacoBellRey

    That is going to be an amazing show.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I'm crossing my fingers for an airing on PBS, but I don't think they usually do that with this series (like Kelsey Grammar's My Fair Lady)

  • I'm stuck somewhere between 'not cool with cannibalism, even if it's lab grown,' and 'some of these actually sound pretty tasty.'

    It's like walking into a coroner's office and asking who barbecued just to learn a house fire victim arrived for autopsy.

  • Linda Lupos

    Well this is apt, considering season 2 of Hannibal starts today.
    I'll skip, thanks.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    The Al Pacino - We take a normal salami and leave it in the sun for 10 days.

    The Val Kilmer - It's a salami covered in butter, then stuffed into a turkey and deep fried.

    The Shia LaBeef - Shia volunteered to actually be the meat for this product, but then submitted the meat of his former 'Even Stevens' co-star Christy Carlson Romano.

  • Is this late viral marketing for Antiviral? Because this was a subplot in Antiviral. Literally, this. Steal cells from celebrities to grow artificial meat that technically isn't human because it's not able to exist on its own.

  • The Mickey Rourke salami would taste like whiskey and tobacco and probably come with a tattoo on it.

    Also, if I were a celebrity and I starting getting tweets from people about wanting to turn me into meat and eat me, I'd contact the FBI.

  • AvaLehra

    Served with a hearty tomacco sauce.

  • Mrs. Julien

    And hepatitis.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    And Botox. (Does Botox have a taste?)

  • BWeaves

    No, but it numbs the tongue.

  • southworth

    what

  • bastich

    When I said I wanted to eat Jennifer Lawrence, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!

  • BWeaves

    But it's the closest you're going to get.

    We already treat celebs like slabs of meat. This was inevitable.

    The thing that bothers me most is that these are going to be sold as salami. It's the shape, cough cough. When does the Nathan Fillion schlong, I mean weiner, come on the market? Me, first.

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