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The Quarantine Has Been Compromised. The Disease is No Longer Contained: Presenting Jersey Shore's UK Counterpart

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (27)

550w_geordie_shore_group_shot.jpg

Something awful has happened. Something truly terrifying. Something decidedly less orange than before but still coated in layer after layer of Summer’s Eve with a RepHresh afterglow.

That’s right, fair gentles. The virus of Jersey Shore is spreading across the Atlantic.

Firth help us.

In my desperate quest for a silver lining, I will say this: it’s nice to know that douche is a universal ailment. No matter the color or creed, it ties us all together. Let’s hold hands and sing. We are the world. We are the date rapists…

Let’s meet this new international batch of dignity-sucking human centipedes.

Jay - “My biggest fear is getting wrinkles.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: None. He sits and nods.

Vicky - “I am a Geordie girl with a VIP edge.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: Pointing and laughing like a game show host and/or insane person.

Gary - “I should have a degree in pulling women.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: It’s like…a flappy hand…waving at himself…thing. I don’t know.

Charlotte-Letitia - “I’ve never kissed anyone without a six-pack.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: I don’t know what it’s called but Chris Farley definitely used to do it.

James - “The hardest graft I’ve ever done is doing me hair.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: Finally, we reach the classic douche muscle display. *golf claps*

Sophie - “I could talk the back legs off a donkey.” (I have no idea what the cock this means.)
Descriptive hand motion of choice: The “I must, I must, I must, I must increase my bust.”

Greg - “Dress to invest, that’s me.” (I think.)
Descriptive hand motion of choice: The incredibly awkward, he-must-be-the-old-guy, weird money hands.

Holly - “I’m fit, I’m flirty, and I’ve got double-F’s.”
Descriptive hand motion of choice: We’ve got our boob grab. *golf claps*

In their defense, more than half the cast resembles more latter-day Real World than Jersey Shore. In their not-defense, they’ve had the boldness to cast three Snookis.

On behalf of America, I’m sorry that we’ve done this to you, MTV UK audience. We should have contained it better. We just didn’t know. We just…didn’t…know.









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Comments

Geordie Shore???? WTF????

Where are the fat guys wearing Newcastle United kits?

That's far more Geordie than these poseurs!

(Notice I used the Queen's approved spelling of poser.)

Posted by: Fredo at April 28, 2011 2:17 PM

I would watch this if we could get Steve Coogan to do MST3K style commentary, in character as Tommy Saxondale.

Posted by: Groundloop at April 28, 2011 2:19 PM

What. The. Fuck.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at April 28, 2011 2:26 PM

My doomsday prediction has come true.

You're welcome ladies and gentlemen.

....

I will now try to use my powers for good.

Posted by: bleujayone at April 28, 2011 2:36 PM

My favorite book (Watership Down) was written by an Englishman. My favorite comic book (Watchmen) was written by an Englishman. My (possible) favorite movie (The Third Man) was directed by an Englishman. My favorite band (Pink Floyd) is English, and so is/was my favorite actor (Oliver Reed). For a while there I was starting to wonder if Brits were just better than Americans.

For a while there.

Posted by: Todd at April 28, 2011 2:42 PM

Pajibans, estimate the percentage of fandom for Jersey Shore:

(likes the taste of revulsion)
--------------------------------------- x 100%
(identifies with characters)

I would say it's around 95%/5% for U.S. audiences, but that number doesn't jive with how many genuinely douchey people there are in the world (consistent production of new douches would require at least 33% of fans to genuinely look up to Snooki.) So where do new douches come from?

Posted by: LEROOOY at April 28, 2011 2:51 PM

Och, no apology is necessary. The UK has always been more tacky than the US.

Posted by: TSF at April 28, 2011 2:53 PM

The guy in the striped shirt has a teeny tiny head. And the striped shirt is not helping!

Posted by: tamatha at April 28, 2011 2:59 PM

...I thought I was pretty up to date with the class type names from the UK like Chav or whatever...but what is Geordie? My brain keeps wanting to say corgi, and george at the same time and it's not working.

Posted by: Candee at April 28, 2011 3:14 PM

Some of them look like they've been standing in the English rain too long...

Posted by: Todd at April 28, 2011 3:15 PM

@Candee

Geordie isn't a term like Chav or Ned. It refers to people from North East England.

Posted by: TSF at April 28, 2011 3:41 PM

Geordie is a late-'60s/early-'70s band that featured none other than Brian Johnson, the future lead singer for AC/DC. Brief googling will show Johnson in full hippie regalia. It's quite a sight.

This probably doesn't completely pin down what a Geordie is (I'd assume most of the band members originated from said region), but fuck you if you don't like anecdotal history.

Posted by: Recondite at April 28, 2011 4:05 PM

I'm almost embarrassed to admit this but I am a Pajiban Geordie. I grew up in the north-east (albeit in a Northumbrian village just outside Newcastle) and I went to school with people like this. Thankfully I don't recognise any of them.

In Sophie's defence, talking the hind legs of a donkey is a recognised UK saying. I don't know what it means but people do say it.

To any Brits reading, don't you think the last theme sounds like the Byker Byker, Byker Grove chant?!

Posted by: sevenstories at April 28, 2011 4:35 PM

Someone tell the guy in the orange tee that it's a girl's shirt.

StripeGuy-That's what happens when you take steroids, your head shrinks

There are 4 Snookies....F O U R!!! Have they been breeding a super Snookie strain over there? Giant hair poufs, short, fat, piglet legs, balance hindering Dub Dee's, pursed cock lips, tiny bird brains, tangelo skin and big fat bank accounts.

Posted by: kirbyjay at April 28, 2011 4:39 PM

I thought the quarantine was breached when we got The Only Way is Essex. The disease is simply spreading northwards.

Next we'll have The Real Crackwhores of Glasgow.

Posted by: Big Moo at April 28, 2011 6:20 PM

The U.K. gave us Doctor Who, the U.S. gave the Brits Jersey Shore.

God, American entertainment sucks.

Posted by: Corey Weaver at April 28, 2011 7:24 PM

@Corey Weaver

Note that the Brits also gave us American Idol via X Factor. It's not that American entertainment doesn't suck, it's that British entertainment can be just as bad.

Posted by: elgarcon at April 28, 2011 9:15 PM

We just didn’t know. We just…didn’t…know.

Yeah, that's what the Umbrella Corporation said after all that Resident Evil stuff was proved to be their fault.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at April 28, 2011 9:52 PM

Ahahahahahahaahaha. Now I have another item on the list of shit to throw at pompous brits when they try to pretend they're any better than the rest of the world.

Posted by: Figgy at April 28, 2011 11:18 PM

So Holland has to reopen the war with the UK?
It is done!

*Calls the PrimeMinister to arrange some new bunkers on the dutch beaches*

Posted by: Magiel at April 29, 2011 2:45 AM

Nuke it from orbit...it's the only way to be sure.

Posted by: Max at April 29, 2011 10:00 AM

I'm sorry to inform you yanks that there is a Swedish version as well (Kungarna av Tylösand -- "The Kings of Tylösand").

I keep a cricket bat beside my bed at all times. I will not go quietly into the night!

Posted by: piedlourde at April 29, 2011 3:02 PM

@Todd ...Ol...Oliver Reed? You too??

And lo, my day brightened considerably.

Posted by: Alwyn at April 29, 2011 4:12 PM

Hello all!
For those of you who do not know what Geordie means, Geordie is the name given to people of Newcastle, in the north of England, part of Great Britain, part of the United Kingdom.

Posted by: Eddy Gordo at April 29, 2011 5:53 PM

Bitches get all crazy most of the time you need to train them good so they can stay in line . Like Ceaser mllian the dog whisperer .

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