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The Great Beef Embargo: Shia LeBeouf, We're F*cking Done Professionally

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | January 10, 2014 | Comments ()


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This whiny little asshole right here.

So, on the heels of another super annoying attempt to play the weirdass victim of his own plagiarism, last night, Shia LeBeouf took to Twitter as is his wont, and announced his intention to “retire” from public life.

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Shudder. Even his tweets drip with OHMYGODSHUTUPYOUDOUCHE-chills.

He is “retiring” from having attention paid to him after spending the last however many weeks and years desperately trying to get attention paid to him. Let it sink in. Feel your annoyance as it spreads like Galifreyan regeneration energy and explodes you into an angry-faced Capaldi.

In fact, I’m just going to let Capaldi handle the brunt of this conversation. You ready, Pete?

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So, I’ve written about this whole shitshow already. Twice.

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But, apparently, as he so desperately craves this attention he faux-hates, I am part of the problem, and, for that, I am sorry. Not to Boofy, but to the world. Because his attention-seeking behavior is, and I know several of you will staunchly disagree, worse than even the most pathetic Kardashian attention-grab. Because it is somehow more insidious, more pathetic and so not at all amusing.

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Like, for the most part, we are all on board with how useless the Kardashians are. But LaBeouf thinks he’s a real artist, and other people see talent in him so he gets real jobs, not just whatever Carmen Electra castoffs those Kardashians get. He has some manner of actual influence in this industry which is gross because he is just so obnoxiously terrible.

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And, the thing is, he’s trying so hard to make this huge splash of nonsense and it’s so insane that it’s become boring.

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Because at a certain point we can only take so much nuttery. Between the skywriting, the cease-and-desist tweets, the barrage of faux apologies, it’s just too ridiculous for us to maintain any level of attention. And he won’t just shut the hell up.

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And, really, that’s not so new. There’s a lot of that around here.

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But, for whatever reason, I’ve had it. So, I’m done with this clownshoe. Peace the fuck out, Beefstew. I’ll report on you when there’s news or you get that 5150 you’ve been shopping for.

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Debra Kessing

    and just when we hoped his retirement might last longer than 5 minutes ---
    http://www.news.com.au/enterta...

  • Eh, I still feel it's all one big publicity stunt for his stupid new movie. Him and it are getting all the attention they need, aren't they? Ugh.

  • e jerry powell

    Not if I can help it.

  • kirbyjay

    I know, kinda random, but.....I've never understood why a man ( or boy, as in header pic) puts on a tuxedo and doesn't shave his face. I love stubble on a guy, makes him look rugged and out-doorsy and hard-working (again, not talking about Chia LaBeef,) but in a tuxedo? It's like a woman donning an evening gown and not brushing her hair or wearing makeup.
    Yeah, Cool-Jerk, we know you're not trying too hard, it shows and it's douchy.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Boofy news + Peter Capaldi mention + Courtney writing = great Friday reading

  • Sara Habein

    Right? There's nothing not to love here.

  • Uriah_Creep

    It's a trifecta of awesomeness!

  • Yocean

    Dear LeBeef:

    Oh you are a victim? For the "attacks against my artistic integrity"? ARTISTIC INTEGRITY? WITH WHAT FUCKITTY FUCK MOUTH YOU DARE TO UTTER THOSE WORDS YOU PLAGIARIZING DOUCHE FACE? YOU WON'T KNOW AN INTEGRITY EVEN IF IT HIT YOUR SHRUNKEN BALL SACK OF SUCKITUDE SIDE WAYS REPEATEDLY, LET ALONE AN ARTISTIC ONE, YOU HACK-TASTIC BITCH NOODLE! GO BACK TO YOUR MAN CAVE AND NEVER COME OUT!!!!!!

    Sincerely

    - the Humanity

  • "Hacktastic bitch noodle."

  • Yocean

    Yes. Yes we did. Thanks all :D

  • Bitch noodle. That's enough to make a girl reconsider her stance on carbs. Thank you.

  • e jerry powell

    BITCH NOODLE sounds like something I would find at the Asian mega-mart up the street. I would probably pass it by and just get the regular udon.

  • "Last one in the tub eats the Bitch Noodle!" Yeah, that could work.

  • John W

    Okay the first thing we need to do is start making a list of people whose artistic integrity we need to attack...

  • I eat too much meat to consider a beef embargo, but I've never really had much use for ShiaPets, so I'll put those on the list instead.

  • Uriah_Creep

    ShiaPets: worst-selling toys ever.

  • e jerry powell

    But @midnight has been having a fucking Shia-bashing parade all week!

  • Bodhi

    Poor, poor Tom Lennon

  • Wrestling Fan

    I may have been the only one, but I laughed my ass off at his joke (you know the one I mean).

  • Bodhi

    I do & I laughed too! For a pop culture show, the audience was woefully uninformed.

  • e jerry powell

    I think the audience missed quite a few genius bits this week. Hell, even the verbatim transcriptionist that was doing the closed caption missed a great one.

  • I often wonder why we don't have a show called "Great Moments in Closed-Caption Comedy This Week." Some of their manglings are classic.

    We're also blessed with the occasionally judgy CC transcriptionist, and treated to gems such as "Bad music plays."

  • e jerry powell

    If it's any consolation, I'd still do him in his Dangle drag.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    ooooh good. I've dvr'd them this week.

  • e jerry powell

    The show is going off the fucking rails, and I'm loving every minute of it.

  • Pippa_Laughingstock

    #stop creating
    nope.
    #start creating
    fixed it.

  • e jerry powell

    You're missing Shia's point, but...

  • Pippa_Laughingstock

    Am I? He seems to be conflating people being mad at him plagiarizing with people being unwarranted in criticizing his special Art petals.

  • e jerry powell

    The underlying "philosophy" is that all creativity is plagiarism, though.

    It's bullshit, but it's inside of his brain, not mine.
    :-)

  • Pippa_Laughingstock

    Man, it's hard to keep up with the brainpower on that l'il whippersnapper. Similarly, there's this guy:

    http://io9.com/how-a-science-f...

  • DeaconG

    You know, the first rule of when you find yourself in a hole is...STOP DIGGING.

    Also, comparing Carmen Electra to the Kardashians...what has she done to you?

  • e jerry powell

    Except that Carmen Electra has never really gotten past the "show up at the opening of an envelope" phase. See how far having bad sex with Prince got her?

  • lowercase_ryan

    MB is the real victim here. She deserves better :(

  • AngelenoEwok

    Aw, boo. I'm genuinely moved.

  • I'm sure his "retirement" will play brilliantly into his undercooked performance art think piece that everyone will believe to be contrived anyway.

  • FUCK!

    Just had to join in. Felt I was missing out.

  • Mrs. Julien

    "Fuc&ity bye" never gets old.

  • narfna

    Never ever.

  • AvaLehra

    Ever.

  • Ted Zancha

    Was this a cleverly disguised petition for the BBC to allow Capaldi to swear on Doctor Who? Because if so, I am in.

    I mean, I know people have been saying it a lot, but how great would it be to have a "no nonsense, fuck you" kinda Doctor.

    Just imagine the scenario where a companion says something stupid or clever to advance the plot and the Doctor just spends minutes berating them. Or instead of having the fun, cocky Matt Smith speech in response to the enemies, we have Capaldi just spend like have the show tearing them down bit by bit as the companion stood around awkwardly and waited for him to finish.

    Man that would make some great family TV.

  • AvaLehra

    The fan pages are going nuts and are already producing gems like this:

    http://gallifreys12th.tumblr.c...

  • Maddy

    That was awesome. I loved Matt Smith, but I think Capaldi will definitely bring a really different gravitas (if that's the right word) to the part. It's also a good opportunity for a bit of a 'reset' for Clara to actually get to be a character as opposed to a plot device

  • AvaLehra

    My adoration for this Capaldi lovefest overshadows any beefy ding dong shenanigans. Shia who?

  • AvaLehra

    Also, this photo has made my day: http://www.pajiba.com/images/2...

  • Debra Kessing

    he is cruel as well as very stupid - to get anyone's hopes up like that ...
    PS - I don't know who or what those gifs are from but I just got the best laugh ever at 6.03am - "fuckity bye' is my new farewell :D

  • profession: none, or starlet

    Another Malcolm Tucker line that's regularly useful:

    "Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off!"

  • narfna

    It's even better when you hear him say it. Capaldi is a master at cussing. It's truly beautiful.

  • Debra Kessing

    thanks so much :) I just watched In the Loop and yes, it is even better to hear him say it :D He is one of the most impressive swearers (of course that's a word O--O ) I have ever had the pleasure of watching in action. He gives the term 'frothing at the mouth" new meaning.

  • fracas

    Watch "In the Loop." It's amazing. One of the best comedies in recent years.

  • Swift

    Then watch "The Thick of It" the TV series "In The Loop" was based on

  • Haystacks

    It is the missing piece of Atlas Shrugged. Where no one gave a shit that a self important dick head quit.

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