The Corpsiest People in Hollywood

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (49)

Something became incredibly apparent during the Golden Globes Sunday night (or “Golden Drobes” if you are not unlike Jeremy Irons and therefore able to blame it on the Henny): post-mortal-chic is so in this year. With Hollywood’s finest looking ever increasingly like Buffy Summers mid-resurrection, I’m pretty sure 2011 is physical inertia’s best year ever (not counting 2009 — too soon?)

The Deadest People in Hollywood

Megan Fox

Paz de la Huerta

SWINTON

Helena Bonham Carter, mostly due to resemblance to this man

The area above Nicole Kidman’s neck

This woman’s dignity

Angelina Jolie, the inspiration for this post

Him after being found by this totally straight man

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Comments

Necrofabulous is the new Derelicte!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 18, 2011 12:06 PM

Megan Fox is not a woman. She's the holy Half-Dead who has seen the UnderVerse.

Posted by: superasente at January 18, 2011 12:08 PM

But her dress is so pretty! Perhaps she is a latter day Persephone?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 18, 2011 12:10 PM

Megan Fox is not a woman.

Neither is Lea Michelle.

HBC, however, is ALL woman. Even if she stinks of decaying flesh.

Posted by: sars at January 18, 2011 12:11 PM

YOU LEAVE SWINTON OUT OF THIS!

Posted by: Anna von Beav at January 18, 2011 12:17 PM

Anna

Did you see SWINTON move in the dress? It was a St. Vitus dance. She looked like bad claymation: all hips ajutting and angles jangling. She TOTALLY belongs on this list.

Kisses,
Mrs. Julien

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 18, 2011 12:21 PM

At least this wasn't one of those confuse your libido posts. I'm not ready to think about living as a necrophiliac.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at January 18, 2011 12:23 PM

Nicole Kidman's head belongs in King Tut's tomb. It's not human and has not been since (irony!) Dead Calm.

I only watched half of an episode of Glee, but that big-mouthed circus lady is not dead. But she should be. She's like a big, fleshy clown. And I hate clowns.

Posted by: klingonfree at January 18, 2011 12:27 PM

When I look at Megan Fox in the above picture all I can see is that horrible, horrible Marilyn Monroe tattoo on her arm. When she is about 45 she will look at that atrocity and probably ask herself what the hell she was thinking.

Jolie and Pitt look like they have just sucked the hot right out of each other. What the heck happened?

HBC does the necro-chic thing perfectly.

Posted by: Jadine at January 18, 2011 12:32 PM

Hey Tracer, some people over on the Twilight sex thread had valid suggestions as to how Edward could, um, warm it up for Bella. I think a lot of that information would be readily transferable to this situation so that if, or indeed when, it becomes an issue for you, you need look no further than Pajiba for useful tips.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 18, 2011 12:38 PM

@Jadine: I think their litter of kids are the hot-sucking culprits.

Why is Johnny Depp not on this list? Or Buscemi?

Posted by: Slikmik at January 18, 2011 12:38 PM

In Tom's defense, the Menendez brothers turned a lot of people gay. They should've been guilty of manslaughter.

Posted by: D-Day at January 18, 2011 12:41 PM

I did not, Mrs. Julien. I know only that I heart her, akimbo limbs a-flail and all.

And, WHOA THERE, Jadine. I'm 40 and have a tattoo that looks JUST FINE, thank you, and I don't think it's going to be all mangled in 5 years' time. We're not all wrinkled up old saggy-skinned bitches by 45! Gawrsh. (I am not defending Megan Fox or her poor choice of ink, by the way. I dislike them both.)

Also, in the maybe one hour total I saw of the awards/red carpet, I caught a little glimpse of Angie straightening Brad's tie, and it was completely adorable.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at January 18, 2011 12:43 PM

AvB, I have tats too, some I regret, some I don't. I'm 47 and your perspective on things like that tends to change as one ages. My point was the choice of tattoo, not that it will be all gnarly and so mangled when she's older.

Posted by: Jadine at January 18, 2011 12:51 PM

Oh, apologies. I tend to assume everyone here is younger than me. My bad!

(Also, I really, really dislike portrait tattoos, and don't think they look good whenever/wherever you get them. But that's kind of subjective, I suppose.)

Posted by: Anna von Beav at January 18, 2011 12:54 PM

I still can't believe that's a picture of Megan Fox.
What the hell did she do to her face?

Posted by: OldSchool60 at January 18, 2011 12:55 PM

Tilda Swinton is now officially The Thin White Duke.

Posted by: OldSchool60 at January 18, 2011 12:56 PM

Weekend At Bernie's jokes are never not funny, Court.

Posted by: coveredinbees at January 18, 2011 12:58 PM

I loved HBC in 'A Room With A View'.

Then she was murdered and her body re-animated.

It was a crime of passion...I'm sorry...but I had to do it.
If I couldn't have her, then no one else could.

Posted by: OldSchool60 at January 18, 2011 1:00 PM

Paz looks just like the hot mess that her character Lucy is on Boardwalk. I know Fox has always been skinny but not sure when she became skeletal - Brian Austin Green must be sucking the life from her secretly when she sleeps. Tilda looks like a wax figure from Madame Toussad's and the wrinkles cascading down Nicole's neck, well we all know they are from her time with Tom.

Posted by: TVConnoiseur at January 18, 2011 1:06 PM

Megan Fox just looks hungry. As the Fug Girls often say, someone needs to make the girl a sandwich!

Posted by: badkittyuno at January 18, 2011 1:10 PM

Aw Angie and Brad were so damn cute. They live in their own, completely bizarre little world in their palaces with their 200 children and we're lucky to catch a glimpse.

How weird is it that she wears LIP GLOSS. And carries it around. That totally blew my mind.

Megan Fox needs to close her mouth.

I'm also surprised you didn't include Buscemi.

Posted by: Figgy at January 18, 2011 1:12 PM

I feel kind of bad over how much I dislike Lea Michelle.

Posted by: Figgy at January 18, 2011 1:15 PM

Eternally-denied the Figgylicious designation, Michele stumbles through life like SWINTON in bed sheet. Inherting Ann Miller's mantle here, displaying faux emotion there, never knowing if today is the day when you realise how truly awesome she is, repent of your dislike and beatifiggify her in the manner she has so longed for. It is a day I long for as well. Lea and I have that in common.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 18, 2011 1:20 PM

Where's Sparkletits Pattinson? he's got all sorts of night of the living dead up in his grill.

I also nominate Paris "Crotchrot" Hilton. I think the Jeepers Creepers dude must have eaten her insides years ago and has since taken to wearing her flesh-suit around the town.

Oh yeah, and post scientology Katie Holmes. On second thought, just Katie Holmes always because she's always been a hollow shell.

Posted by: beet salad at January 18, 2011 1:21 PM

How did Sandra Bullock not make your list? I adore her, but she was sporting a completely inappropriate mop cut as though she was 23 and only listening to Morrissey and the The Smiths.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at January 18, 2011 1:40 PM

If I didn't know better I'd say the face Paz de la Duckface is making was just bad timing of facial movements for the camera. I DO know better though so...ugh. Oh, and Paz, please use eye makeup. Many women are very gorgeous with the natural look. You are clearly not one of them.

Posted by: Paultera at January 18, 2011 1:56 PM

Ditto on the HBC love.

And btw, this list could have been longer than a Latin Catholic service, given all the corpsey-ness in the industry. You should actually have done a non-corpsey list. Would have been nicer to look at, for sure.

Posted by: SeeRed at January 18, 2011 1:58 PM

Mrs Julien, you have me thoroughly confused.

Posted by: Figgy at January 18, 2011 2:08 PM

Why do people hate Lea Michele so? I've never watched Glee; is it because she's just histrionic and over-the-top? Isn't that par for the course for a musical show? I'm woefully underinformed.

By the way, this list is kind of Buscemi-deficient (and guy-deficient in general. This is mostly a "women at the GGs who hacked up their faces with plastic surgery OH GOD MEGAN FOX WHY?!!" list?)

Seriously, it's heartbreaking that Fox thinks she needs to do this. And everyone knows that celebrities only get the BullockBangs when they want to distract the audience from some recent cosmetic procedure. So sad...

Posted by: seed at January 18, 2011 2:22 PM

Boy, Nicole Kidman can't catch a break around here, can she? Routinely mocked and derided for going to such Botoxian lengths to try to maintain a youthful appearance, now mocked and derided for having neck wrinkles.*

I don't get it. Why the hate?

*I'm pretty sure those aren't wrinkles per se, just the rippling effects of a giant grimace. My skin does that whenever I drag my jaw into a rictus of any sort, and I'm only thirtyschmerschmer....Maybe Keith farted?

Posted by: Salieri2 at January 18, 2011 2:25 PM

Also, I forgot to mention that I have a friend who looked at that HBC pic and said "She's wearing different colored shoes!"...which, yeah, if that's the first thing that jumps out at you? Bless you for your forbearance.

Posted by: Salieri2 at January 18, 2011 2:26 PM

I'd just like to say that I love every decaying cell of Helena Bonham Carter, and were she to agree, I would take her in a manly fashion, and make her my Corpse Bride.

Posted by: Groundloop at January 18, 2011 2:33 PM

Seed - totally agree. Love Buscemi, but boyfriend's a damn cadaver.

Posted by: samantha t at January 18, 2011 2:34 PM

Buscemi's not on the list because this isn't a list of celebrities who look exactly like Mr. Limpett.

Posted by: Courtney at January 18, 2011 2:36 PM

Figgy I confused myself as well. That one clearly got away from me. I meant no harm and yet somehow it seems snarky. I think I should lurk until I can play nicely.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 18, 2011 2:39 PM

HBS is contractually obligated to look that way by Tim Burton.

Posted by: logan at January 18, 2011 2:41 PM

I know this list isn't all about appearances, but I think most of these folks still look way better than me.

Posted by: Angeleno Ewok at January 18, 2011 2:42 PM

That picture of Angelina Jolie reminds me of the Death Becomes Her poster.

Posted by: KateMC at January 18, 2011 2:48 PM

out of all the people on this list, HBC I think outranks and out-beautify's them all. Seriously. The woman is a masterpiece. She's married to Tim Curry..........wait.........Tim "Nightmare Before Christmas" not Curry. This woman anyone could fall for. Even when she was Bellatrix Lestrange she was still beautiful.

Posted by: Lordninja at January 18, 2011 3:17 PM

Fuck Paz de le Huerta. Never has a set of tits and a face on the same person been more in opposition in terms of what I like and what I hate.

And the acting.

Fuck me the acting.

THE ACTING.

OSCAR WHO IS THIS MAN?! HE'S TRYING TO FUCK ME.

The inside of this woman's cgi'd vagina did a better acting job than her stupid face.

Posted by: zeke the pig at January 18, 2011 3:23 PM

Buscemi gets a pass because he has been rocking the Badly Embalmed Corpse look for twenty years now. As a trendsetter, he bypasses the mock.

Posted by: idleprimate at January 18, 2011 4:32 PM

Um, how was Marc Anthony (J-Lo's husband, for those who were children during the 90's) not included in this? Looks like he's about to join his career in the coffin.

Posted by: duckandcover at January 18, 2011 11:42 PM

Mrs Julien: Lea will be BEGGING me for love soon. Probably through song.

Posted by: Figgy at January 18, 2011 11:43 PM

Megan Fox's face made me cringe. And what's sad is I know girls who aspire to this.

Posted by: Austin asking for trouble at January 18, 2011 11:43 PM

I'll never know for sure, but I could have sworn Brad and Angelina were high as fucking kites that night.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at January 19, 2011 12:41 AM

Please note that Pitt has now taken to wearing sunglasses to mask the 1,000-yard stare he has developed since taking up with that succubus. But he's not fooling anybody. Take note of photos of them together. She is almost always eye-fucking the camera while he looks off into the distance, wishing to Godtopus someone would pry the talons out of his back so he could make a run for it.

Posted by: , at January 19, 2011 1:57 AM

"And btw, this list could have been longer than a Latin Catholic service, given all the corpsey-ness in the industry. You should actually have done a non-corpsey list. Would have been nicer to look at, for sure."

Posted by: SeeRed at January 18, 2011 1:58 PM

Oh hell, did the Catholic reference you made make me laugh so goddamn hard! Thank you.

Posted by: Beckster "tri-tip" Goddess at January 19, 2011 3:50 AM

SWINTON! Christ, she looks magnificent. She needs to become an integral part of my life.

Posted by: Caspar at January 19, 2011 6:46 AM

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The Corpsiest People in Hollywood

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