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The 6 Dickbag-iest Things About Justin Timberlake's Wedding

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | October 25, 2012 | Comments ()


timbersnatch.jpg

1. The People cover photo.

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If you had any leftover questions regarding whether or not anyone was supposed to give a tiny pink shit that Jessica Biel was somehow involved in this whole shebang, Justin has answered you with a loud and clear, "IT'S MY SPECIAL PRINCESS DAY! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO! MOM! MOM! LOOKIT! LOOKIT!"

That said, I am LIVING FOR what giant trolls the staff members at People Magazine are by including Britney Spears on the cover. LIVING FOR IT.

2. Lance Bass and Joey Fatone: Uninvited

lance-bass-435.jpg

And not in the Alanis-Morrissette-on-the-City-of-Angels-soundtrack kind of way. JC Chasez and Chris Kirkpatrick were invited. Lance Bass and Joey Fatone were not. Chris Kirkpatrick was invited over Lance and Joey. That is like inviting the guy who played Manny the manager of Doublemeat Palace to your Buffy convention over Amber Benson and Tom Lenk. And, yes, I did just put a great deal of work into deciding who exactly should be the Lance and Joey of the Buffy cast. You're welcome.

3. The video

If you haven't heard, because you are a person of more scholarly pursuits, oh, aren't you so interesting, a video was played at the nuptials--which cost $6.5 million, by the way--that featured homeless people sending their regrets that they were unable to attend the ceremony. Picture, if you will, a wedding full of millionaires, drinking wine that costs more than your house, laughing at borderline incoherent homeless people. Then try not to punch whatever's nearest.

4. This lady person thing mooning paparazzi.

I'm pretty much just annoyed by people who do things. I'm kind of on a roll right now. Also, no, it's not Britney. But, yes, I did wonder that as well.

5. This just sounds like a lot of work.

"A friend of a guest tells Gossip Cop that attendees were instructed to get to Frankfurt, Germany on Tuesday, at which point they were flown directly on a private jet to Naples.

No one was told ahead of time where they were going.

Everyone was given a pin to identify themselves as wedding guests, and must wear it throughout the week.

From Naples, guests were shuttled to the town of Puglia, where Timberlake and Biel hosted a beach party for friends and family on Wednesday.

The couple spelled out a couple of rules ahead of time for guests -- don't bring kids, and plan to come for the whole week or not at all."

[insert something about how rich, famous people are different from real people, because I'm too tired even thinking about all the airports and shuttles and zzzzzzzzzzz]

6. He did not marry her and they did not wear these outfits.

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Just email her heart, Justin; it's not too late.


But They Can Never Taint You in My Eyes: Ten People We Loved So Hard, It Turned to Hate | Next Season's "Mad Men" Has Shirtless Jon Hamm. Sucks To Be You, Dish Subscribers.


Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.


Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • rockerpoet07

    Actually, there was at least one kid at the wedding, Trace Ayala (his best friend)'s daughter Sophia. She's in one of the pictures included in People magazine (I bought it). So at least one thing on this list isn't true.

  • anikitty

    The harbinger of all that is good and holy, TMZ, has this followup...http://www.tmz.com/2012/10/26/justin-...

  • Nadine

    uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughthis makes me want to hit so many things

  • Pookie

    Thank god on my wedding day I was an overweight couch potato.

  • Both of these asinine fuckers need a good old fahshioned ass whupping.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Your list does not include "Justin Timberlake."

    I believe your list is invalid.

  • Jill

    I believe you are correct.

    I now feel about Timberlake the same way Dustin(?) feels about McFarlane.

    I would like to beat the golden ringlets right off of his head.

  • AngelenoEwok

    At first I read that you'd like to EAT his golden ringlets, and I was going to comment, "Hey, maybe your feelings are more complex than you are letting on..."

  • Quatermain

    Joey Fatone has gotten chubby over the intervening years...but then again so have I. Good job, Joey. Don't let The Man out you in a box...unless it's a pizza box.

  • Quatermain

    'put you in a box, dammit.' stupid typos.

  • John G.

    when are we gonna cover Rihanna's father asking her to marry Chris Brown,Courtney? I love to see Pookie's head explode whenever we bring up Chris Brown as a dickbag.

  • I'm amazed he wasn't standing at the end of the aisle wearing a gift box over his dick.

    I give them six months.

  • is the video thing for real? Cause that is awful.. what could the possible motivation be?

  • Bert_McGurt

    It seems unfathomable, but after this shit-tacle, Britney might actually be too classy for him.

    Let that Sync*N.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I love you.

  • apsutter

    You forgot to mention that this dickwad debuted a new song at the wedding. That's right, the man who has made a huge deal about how he's not interested in music and is an "actor" now had to steal the spotlight from his bride and debut a brand new damn song at his wedding. And not just at the wedding, oh no, he had to sing it to her AS SHE WALKED DOWN THE DAMN AISLE!! What a raging narcissist this little queen is.

  • chanohack

    I was going to disagree with you about "stealing the spotlight from the bride," because I'm a little peeved that weddings have become the bride's day and not the couple's day, but as she walked down the AISLE? You're right. That is super douchey. Come ON, Timberbro.

  • Tinkerville

    See, if it were any other musician I'd find the thought of someone writing an original song for their loved one on their wedding day very romantic. But here it comes off as douchey. Apparently that's the power of the Timbersnatch.

  • alwaysanswerb

    That shit is very lovely and romantic... at the reception.

    While the bride is walking down the aisle, just let her have her damn moment.

  • Jill

    Correct you are.

  • Slash

    Oh, and this just proves that Timberlake playing the giant douchebag in "The Social Network" wasn't really acting. And I think any goodwill he had from "Dick in the Box" is gone now.

  • Slash

    Hey, making fun of the downtrodden is always funny. Just today, I snatched half a sandwich from a homeless chick's hands and laughed uproariously as I stomped on it, squeezing it bit by bit through the openings in the sewer grate. Then I went back to my luxurious cave at the top of Mount Crumpet and planned for the upcoming Christmas holidays. That Cindy Lou Who bitch had better watch her ass. There won't be any singing or presents or roast beast on MY watch.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Is there any mention of where we can send them gifts? I would like to send them my poop in a box.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Get to Frankfurt, Germany on Tuesday, at which point they were flown directly on a private jet to Naples...where the Wedding Game began. 16 couples competing in a race around the world to be Justin and Jessica's BFF's for life.

    This would be my dream wedding if I had the money. Sending our closest friends on our own Amazing Race around the globe in 7 days. My bride and I will have a few days lead on the race, setting up the clues and challenges as we go. The whole thing will culminate in us getting married (looking clean and awesome) right there on the mat with surrounded by all of our friends nasty from Zimbabwe taxicab grime and reeking of Thai street meat/burned garbage. Oh and Phil Koegan will be officiating the wedding.

    This started off as snarky daydreaming. Now I want it to happen.

  • AngelenoEwok

    I'm ready to get divorced just so you and I can make this a reality.

  • DarthCorleone

    Not acceptable.

  • lowercase_ryan

    New wrinkle for season two: getting chased on the race by pissed off Exes.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Or CBS could pay to have the homeless people from the video chase them. That would be sweet.

  • dizzylucy

    Just when I thought nothing could top that dumbass, attention hogging
    magazine cover...the video. Oh, the video. Kudos to whoever at the
    wedding realized how horrible it was and let its existence be known.

    I already found Timbersnatch utterly obnoxious, but all this pushed him
    into the category of "Better Never Step in Front of My Car".

  • I can't even think about that goddamn video without flames ON THE SIDES OF MY FACE. The ONLY THING that would have made it worse is if the "producer" got some of JT's famous douche-friends to appear in the video. Andy Samberg as Vagrant #1! Usher as Toothless Beggar! UGGGHHHH.

  • Jezzer

    If you want some EXTRA FLAMEY GOODNESS on the side of your face, go over to Gawker, where there are people defending the video in the comments.

  • InternetMagpie

    OH MY GOD JEZZER I SAW THAT. "Maybe [odious ass] paid the homeless people to be in the video! Maybe he HELPED THEM!" Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

  • celery

    That upvote of mine was for the flames on the sides of your face.

  • Christy

    The video is funny because they're so rich and all of the people in the video are poor. You know, they couldn't even imagine anything like the wedding, let alone ever attend it, you know because they're so poor. Isn't that hilarious. Justin and Jessica and all of their guests are filthy rich, but the people in the video are really poor. That's so funny. Wow I can't believe that neither of them are comedians.

  • VonnegutSlut

    Several things:
    1. What in the name of Zeus' butthole is going on with JT's shoes? Are they man-Mary Janes? Is it just the lighting? Because they seriously look like Man-Janes...if so, he's a couple of 3-inch platforms away from TomKat territory there.

    2. Speaking of TomKat (RIP), I can't wait until I see the meme/mashup of Justin's wedding pounce & Tom's Oprah couch-leapin'. Get to work, Internet.

    3. What's up with the shiny, happy beatific (addled? sedated?) look on Biel's face? Timber-bitch is about to land on that pretty pink dress of hers with his fancy wedding kicks. However, she'd probably have been willing to let him do the friggin' Riverdance on her head if it meant she had finally managed to shanghai his ass into some nuptial action.

  • I was wondering about the shoes, too. Shall we call them Maury Janes? Manny Janes? Mary Johns?

  • therealbeesknees

    Definitely Mary Johns. Perfection.

  • Mary

    I love that you got a Buffy reference into this article.

  • prairiegirl

    That video? Seriously? Why would anyone think that was every a good idea? Shameful is what it is. I feel like I need a shower and a scrub down with a Brillo pad.

  • prairiegirl

    "ever" not "every" (curse my proofreading skills)

  • Sara_Tonin00

    It's ok to just edit the typos in your post, and not apologize/call attention to them.

    I'm just putting that out there for everyone as a public service announcement.

  • ERM

    You can't edit comments if you comment as a guest. Not everyone bothers to sign up for a disqus account.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Ah, and so the supposed teacher shall be taught. I don't have facebook, so Disqus seemed like the lesser evil.

    mystery of all those typo mea culpas solved.

  • Jannymac

    You can edit? How, where? Teach meeeeeee

  • Sara_Tonin00

    apparently you can only edit if you are commenting as a Disqus user. And you are Disqus user, the edit function is right under your comment after you post.

  • AngelenoEwok

    Anything that served as an excuse to post that pic of Lance and Joey is at least sort of redeemed in my eyes. LOOK AT HOW MUCH FUN THOSE SCAMPS ARE HAVING. Sigh.

  • Jezzer

    You just know Timberlake would be pouting and sniveling about the sand getting kicked everywhere when they jump, and would refuse to swim because he might get his precious curls wet.

  • pajiba

    My favorite thing about this post is that you named the image file "Timbersnatch."

  • That's what I call him in my head always and I'm mad I didn't use it anywhere else in this post.

  • JoannaRobinson

    That gave me such a giggle fit this morning.

  • Lemon_Poundcake

    That's his new nickname. Forever and all time.

  • John G.

    Only Six?

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