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The 6 Celebrity Break-Ups That Rocked Civilization to Its Core, Its Very Core I Say!

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | July 31, 2012 | Comments ()


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6. Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez

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It's hard to remember just how big Bennifer was. But, good god, it was, it really was. They were EVERYWHERE. It was impossible to get the fuck away from them. Eventually they over-inflated and burst all over your magazine rack. Trag. But, if it hadn't, we couldn't live in a world with the cutest family ever. So, win.

5. Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman

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The ten-year lease ran up. But we didn't know that then.

4. Britney Spears & Jason Alexander

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Britney and K. Fed? NOTHING. This was the one. This two-day Vegas shitshow was a big fucking thing. For better or worse, this was when the shine came off the apple. Before this, there had only been hints and rumors that Britney Spears was anything but the nubile madonna/whore teenager her management was selling her as (Jesus, remember all that virgin-obsession nonsense? That was ridiculous). At the time, this was a crazy boatload of WTF. Now, with hindsight, it was a cry for help. A desperate grasp at some control of her own life. And it was over within 55 hours.

3. Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson

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On its own, not a big deal. Two people in their twenties broke up in a semi-scandalous fashion. Alert the medi ... oh, wait. But you cannot tell me this has not been damn fun to watch. Twihards haven't been this upset since Rob had the audacity to star in that movie, Surprise 9/11, with Claire from "Lost" as though he could even love her more than he loves Bella, gawd. And, hey!, it's one of the only times it is really all that acceptable to laugh at the tears of young girls, so cherish it.

2. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

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This break-up was a big deal on its own. But, for once, it was not just noteworthy as tabloid fodder. This was big for what it stood for. Let it never be forgotten that 2012 was the year that we genuinely cared about a fast food chain's opinion on the issues and that Joey Potter took down Scientology.

1. Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston

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Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt were married for five years. They divorced seven years ago. And people still give a shit God knows how. All I know is people fall into one of two camps: people who think Angelina Jolie is a dirty man-stealing whore, and people who think Jennifer Aniston is a sad cat lady who can't keep a man. No one has any ill or altered feelings about Brad Pitt. Because of course they don't. *shakes head sadly*



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  • d-rokk

    I never liked brad pitt in the first place..not crazy about bigg lipp joley either..but i dont blame him for leavn an gettn wit her freaky ass!! Jennifer seems boring of set!!

  • MZ

    Brad is an ass. Full stop.
    And I don't think Kristen and Rob are 'officially broken up' yet. I read in so many places that he said he needed 2 months to think. And after her public apology and stuff... I'm not sure...

  • lala

    Uhh.....here's a funny question...
    "6. Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez"
    The girl in the picture isn't Jennifer Lopez......

  • kirbyjay

    I hate to be the "corrector" and hate even more that I know this shit, but it wasn't Winona, it was Juliette Lewis that the man-whore dated and I think his persona with her was Pretty Man Dating Weirdo....well, he wasn't a pretty "man dating" weirdo, that would be John Travolta...no, JonnyT was actually a "prettyman dating" weirdo. Pitt was a prettyman who was dating a weirdo. He also gave off a Psycho Kalifornia vibe at times.
    And he wasn't preppy with Goop, if you recall, he was a long haired, unsmiling Posh Spice type. On second thought, he was a stern faced long hair til the Goopster got ahold of him and trimmed him into a sternfaced preppy type.
    It was only a matter of time before he met his best friend and morphed into one half of the Golden Couple. I was way ahead of the curve on the Braniston split. It wasn't Mr. and Mrs. Smith canoodling that clued me in, it was that foot long scraggle beard he was sporting. I don't see CuteFriend snuggling up to that follicle fiend at night, there was probably some leftover macro-goop-rice burrowed in there. The fact that CuteFriend won an emmy and thanked everyone in the universe, including me, but not her golden other half, well that was shockingly obvious that their marriage was gonna be cancelled. Then it was on to Ms.Mysterious Blubber Lips and he became the international George Washington, the father of all countries.

  • Ben Affleck and J-Lo - I wouldn't call that a break-up. More of an exorcism.

  • Somewhere Madonna is crying, clutching her iPad...

  • tyra

    Camp 3 - JA (who is too self-obsessed to own a pet that doesn't give unconditional love), AJ (who is blandvanillabland - any actual PROOF at all, ever, of her blood lust, drug use and debauchery? Nope.) and Brad Pitt knew the only way they could stay relevant after Friends ended, AJ's underwhelming mid-90s career and his looks crashed and burned (2005) was to pretend to play themselves off against each other in the National Enquirer for all eternity.

  • Pea

    I don't think Brad Pitt has a personality of his own. He changes his persona to fit whatever woman he is attached to. Winona? Goth. Gwyneth? Preppie. Jennifer? Golden Couple. Angelina? Philanthropist/Father. I never had a high opinion of him, but it was drastically lowered when he cheated on his wife. Whatever problems there are in a relationship, cheating is the coward's way out.

  • Gine

    I saw a graphic somewhere that documented the whole "Brad becomes his latest special lady friend" thing over the years, and it was downright eerie.

  • Nadine

    No joke, I went off Brad as a person when that whole thing happened. Sure he seems like a nice enough person in a general sense but I just kind of went 'Oh you're that kind of guy? Sad'.

    And maybe it's psychological, too, because the more I see him with Angelina the less attractive he becomes to me. She just seems like under all that public UN Ambassador thing that she'd be an awful, cold person and I feel as if their home life must be...just blech, the two of them together, alone at night, it gives me shivers.
    I don't even like Jen, either, she's so fucking dull, but the whole mess was just ugly and it seems to be accepted like it's fine. Screw Brad, Screw Ange, they're both just grody.

  • Ash

    was ryan phillipe and reese witherspoon divorcing not a huge deal to people besides me? (but..but...annette and sebastian!)

  • Wait, wait... Sandra Bullock and Jesse James? No one? Maybe it was only a big deal here in Austin...

  • Az

    I cried. Literally. I could not believe anyone could do that to Sandra Bullock. I was way, way too upset about, now that I think it over.

  • I certainly didn't cry, but I was more than happy to offer Sandy the chance at some angry revenge sex. And Sandy, if you're reading, the offer still stands. ;-)

  • Nadine

    You were not too upset. Sandra Bullock is like actual sunlight and rainbows and glitter and what he did was cruel.

    But hey, she, and the world, got to have Louis Bullock be a part of our lives and, I mean...he's pretty fantastic.

  • Whoa. You know, I'd never *ever* thought about how no one ever piles shit on Brad Pitt over that whole mess. He cheated on his wife while on set and he only looks like a sex god who can get two hot women to fall for him. That makes me feel all kinds of gross.

  • competitivenonfiction

    I never thought about it either. Now I feel like I need a shower.

  • I belong to the sometimes things fall apart/s*it happens school on that one. It's the way they portray the women that galls me.

  • ,

    Everything falls apart.

    -- Husker Du

  • Oh please, Pitt and Jolie both said that nothing happened on set and that Pitt left Aniston before taking up with Jolie. And anyone who doesn't believe that is a sad cat lady who can't keep a man herself.

  • Liz Taylor destroying Debbie Reynold's life has got to count for something! Hells Bells, Carrie Fisher still suffers from that one!

  • ed newman

    I am glad that you mentioned this. Come on Courtney! You're better than that. It's at least number 2. Just because you weren't born doesn't mean it didn't tilt the Earth's axis.

    What about Prince Charles and Princess Di?
    Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley?

    At least you got number 1 right.

  • BWeaves

    Elizabeth Taylor broke up 8 times. 9 if count Linsay Lohan.

  • John W

    I'm in the third camp. I feel Jolie is overrated and Jennifer Aniston should go back to tv. And once again the married man is totally blameless.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Wait a minute... you forgot Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts... oh wait... yeah... no one cared about that one either.

  • ,

    Lyle is a better actor.

  • ,

    Angelina doesn't look human.

  • Bedewcrock

    i watched Playing by Heart (meh*) and was kind of blown away by how different she looked.

    *if anyone has ever seen that, does that mean Joan has HIV too?

  • John G.

    Now all we need is Tom Cruise to date Brad Pitt and the paparazzi can eat of that for the rest of their lives.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Like he hasn't tried that already...

  • I am loving these columns. I need a gif of me looking like that gif of Stephen Colbert wearing 3D glasses and eating popcorn from last week.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    ooh, or a gif of him in the cowboy outfit he wore last night.

  • Brad Pitt is an anorexia-inducing man-whore. So there.

  • and a billy goat gruff wheezer. ugh!

  • klingonfree

    I'd fuck 'im.

  • Snath

    I feel so, so dirty, but Surprise 9/11 has me laughing so hard I'm crying.
    I'm a bad, bad man.

  • Skyler Durden cannot log in

    One of my favorite movie reviews evar was by the AICN guy, who had no idea what he was walking into. Outrage and hilarity ensued.

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