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Talent? Skill? A Kardashian Craves Not These Things

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (37)

kim-kardashian-complex-magazine-00.jpg

Well this was bound to happen at some point.

Every time we as a nation get a “sensation”—that all-baffling individual who for reasons unbeknownst to those of us with semi-functional brainstems—it is inevitable that this sensation person will make some attempt to earn said sensation. One would think this to be respectable. After all, we loathe their general lack of purpose; why should we begrudge them their chance to be worthwhile? But, alas, one would be wrong. Because it is always, always, a terrible failure.

The most recent failure? The debut song of one Kimberly Noel Kardashian. Listen. Have cotton balls with a decent ability to soak up earblood on-hand.

Here’s the thing: Kim Kardashian and her brethren are easy targets, mostly due to their complete absence of point. Anyone with even a passing knowledge of celebrity and fame knows that “point” doesn’t matter. Anyone can be famous for any reason (or lack thereof). So that’s not really what’s wrong with her. The problem is, god fucking dammit, bitch is DULL. Have you ever watched their show? I have on more than one occasion been too lazy to change the channel after The Soup and have seen more of the Kardashian series than I care to admit and, yes, not a single thing happens, but that’s par for reality television series of this nature, but the larger issue at hand is that I fear she’s actually dead. Literally. Either dead or a cyborg. I am not sure of which yet.

For those of you too afraid to click play on the video, what I’ve done with this little aside is explain the voice you would be hearing were you braver. For it is the voice of death robots.









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Comments

Yes she is hot. But damn it I am so freaking tired of seeing her and her family.

The horrible mutation that is this song has really made me happy. But no matter how much this sucks I bet is sells around 50,000 copies. And $50,000 is chump change in the biz. But that's more money than I have so she still wins arrrrrrrrrrrrghghggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh(One hundred exclamation points)

Posted by: junierizzle at March 3, 2011 2:12 PM

Her face is slowly morphing into that of a botoxed panther.

Posted by: Julie at March 3, 2011 2:13 PM

Is this bitch unable to breathe through her nose? EVERY single photo of her that I've ever seen shows her with that goddamn mouth-breather, dead-eyed stare, that I suppose is trying to be sexy but just makes her look catatonic. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. And yes, that includes talking and 'singing'. Just disappear, please.

Posted by: figgy at March 3, 2011 2:27 PM

The debut song of one Kimberly Noel Kardashian. Listen.

No, Courtney. I will not. Nor should you.

Mind what you have learned. Save you it can.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at March 3, 2011 2:31 PM

Yes, a sexy, sexy cyborg.

*robotic simulated drool*

Posted by: DarthCorleone's Robotic Executioner at March 3, 2011 2:31 PM

My roommate and I had this conversation. Would I have sex with Kim Kardashian? Yes, yes I would. Would I enjoy it? No, and I would probably hate myself afterward.

However, if she shows up dripping wet to my dorm room, I can't say no. As much as I hate everything she is and stands (or gets on her knees) for, she has got me there. I would still hit it without a moment's hesitation... double condom, of course.

Posted by: maka at March 3, 2011 2:42 PM

But considering what we know about her, you can't really be sure what that is dripping off of her.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at March 3, 2011 2:57 PM

This is so autotuned and scrubbed that I can barely tell that it's a human singing, much less a woman.

Augh. This isn't just hideous, it is vile in its mediocrity.

But you know what? I forgive her. I do. Because it's only in these little, annoying ways that she can have any effect upon my life. I've heard worse music, and there are worse people than the Kardashians.

*glare* But I don't forgive you, Courtney, for subjecting all these innocent Pajibans to this tripe. That was cruel.

No cookies for you.

Posted by: Wintermute at March 3, 2011 2:59 PM

*recovering from sexiness-related malfunction*

The voices of death robots will herald the end of all of you during the EPOCH OF ROBOTS!

Posted by: DarthCorleone's Robotic Executioner at March 3, 2011 3:02 PM

Seriously, though. Someone please tell me what she's famous for because I don't know. My husband heard her name and thought she was a new Star Trek villain or something.

Please?

Posted by: ZombieNurse at March 3, 2011 3:06 PM

I wonder (I'm dead serious) why these bazillionaires keep it up? I mean...would you? Given the many many dollars she has already amassed, wouldn't you or I just disappear, invest, buy a couple of houses in most excellent corners of the world (Big Sur!), travel, hang, travel, go out on a boat, fish, surf, snowboard, buy presents, throw a partay, hang, buy CDs and books and just LIVE? Damn skippy yes we would!

Why continue to obsess about one's looks, clothes, etc, when one no longer needs to rely on these things for one's livlihood (see how I did not mention intellect?). It's not like she can fall back on the "I'm an artist, I HAVE to act, sing, blah blah" that some of these people do.

Why put yourself through this bullsh!t? She's out there buying and applying fake eyelashes every day and SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO!

Posted by: klingonfree at March 3, 2011 3:08 PM

I agree with you on every point.

But I still want to have sex with her.


Posted by: logan at March 3, 2011 3:12 PM

She's so hot. But I really wish I had not clicked on that. Up until that point, I have never heard her speak or "sing," and I was perfectly happy just drooling over her prettiness.

And klingonfree, some people are just starved for attention, because without it, they'll realize that they're pretty much useless wastes of spaces.

Posted by: denesteak at March 3, 2011 3:28 PM

Seriously, though. Someone please tell me what she's famous for because I don't know.

Pee pee.

Posted by: Julie at March 3, 2011 3:28 PM

First a post about Ryan Gosling's love life and now an article about a Kardashian's attempt at music.

What the hell, Pajiba?

Posted by: WestCoastPat at March 3, 2011 3:31 PM

I can say with full conviction that is NOT my jam. Not my jam at all.

Posted by: staceygarrett at March 3, 2011 3:32 PM

I'm with WestCoastPat.

Well, I'm also baffled by the number of people who want to drool over her because, while I appreciate her insane proportions as much as the next person who appreciates proportions, the black holes that are her eyes suck all the hotness out of any picture.

But, mostly, I'm with WestCoastPat. Look, we all love The Soup and would jump on Joel McHale's head if we could jump that high, but Pajiba, love you as I do, I must point out that you are not The Soup. Nor would I want you to be.

Posted by: SavageCats at March 3, 2011 3:40 PM

klingonfree & denesteak >> Give me a couple million, and I'd certainly disappear myself. I'd guess that it's not just about attention, although that's probably the primary motivator. These folks are part of the machine, and they have handlers, family members, friends, employees, etc., constantly pushing them (and depending upon them) to stay in the spotlight.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at March 3, 2011 3:50 PM

Anyone remember Paris Hilton's "hit single"? No?

No one will remember Kim K for anything other than too much make-up, an impressive ass and a movie where she gets peed on.

Posted by: Fredo at March 3, 2011 3:59 PM

I never thought someone would willingly emulate Paris Hilton!

Posted by: Surging at March 3, 2011 4:22 PM

She has an impressive donkey? Does he unlike other Donkies lay eggs?

Posted by: Shevy at March 3, 2011 4:26 PM

Kim is the pretty one.... I get it. She is also the dullest most boring thing on this earth.

Where the hell did her personality go? Did she sell it to Satan for 15 minutes of fame?

And her voice sucks.

Posted by: virenda at March 3, 2011 4:45 PM

I never thought the Kardashians would invade Pajiba. Please make it stop.

Posted by: Flo at March 3, 2011 5:49 PM

...if she shows up dripping wet to my dorm room...

I went to a really gross place when I read this.

You know where.






A golden place. HAHAHAHAHAISAIDIT!!! [runs away]

Posted by: superasente at March 3, 2011 6:15 PM

She's absolutely gorgeous but she needs a serious scrub. When you're that pretty already, why would you wear so much make-up?

I wish gorgeous and useless people like Kim Kardashian would stay quiet and just make a nice calendar for us each year or something.

Posted by: becks at March 3, 2011 7:01 PM

She looks like a dude in that picture above.

Posted by: Oh man at March 3, 2011 8:42 PM

This is the first time in ages I've seen Paris Hilton's name in print. Her disappearance should give us all hope.

"The problem is, god fucking dammit, bitch is DULL."

Ever seen "Kendra!"?

*whoa, punctuation overload, and I should know*

Posted by: , at March 3, 2011 8:49 PM

This is so autotuned and scrubbed that I can barely tell that it's a human singing, much less a woman.

Augh. This isn't just hideous, it is vile in its mediocrity.

But you know what? I forgive her. I do. Because it's only in these little, annoying ways that she can have any effect upon my life. I've heard worse music, and there are worse people than the Kardashians.

*glare* But I don't forgive you, Courtney, for subjecting all these innocent Pajibans to this tripe. That was cruel.

No cookies for you.

Posted by: cosplay costumes at March 3, 2011 10:36 PM

Jesus Christ that's bad. I mean really bad.

This is the worst poptard attempt at a pop song and lyrics I have ever heard. Sounds like something a tweener with a voicebox and a mediocre knowledge of Fruity Loops created in her mom's basement.

Posted by: Whaaa? at March 3, 2011 11:09 PM

I think Kim K. is one of the finest women ever. I think her family is entertaining. I dont begrudge her for making money off of what people clearly are willing to pay her for. But this song is bad. so bad. And I mean, half of the hip hop industry (more like 99 %) wants to bang her, so youd think she'd end up with a better freaking song. God. Awful

Posted by: stump at March 3, 2011 11:35 PM

I ate some pretty strong shrooms and I've been reading comment threads and freaking out all fucking night. Watching the reptiles and amphibians episode of Life was perhaps ill-advised. I see everything through the lens of the swarms of growing tadpoles, mating snakes, komodo dragons feeding. My hands are numb.

Posted by: HappyGobo at March 3, 2011 11:50 PM

I agree with everything @HappyGobo said.

Posted by: Brittney at March 4, 2011 12:16 AM


pajiba does soooo many entertaining and creative posts .... this
is not one of them..... this is one pathetic tribe.

Posted by: snake at March 4, 2011 12:29 AM

Oh good the hate has transferred from P. Love to this section. Lookit, the column is named "Celebrities are Better Than You" and has featured everything from Kim K. to Jersey Shore to Charlie Sheen. It's meant to cover the ridiculous celebrity stuff. No one's forcing you to click the links, feel free to pass right by it.

Posted by: Even Stevens at March 4, 2011 1:12 AM

My ears hurt and I only made it 30 seconds. Fuck this. I'm in such a bad mood today, I should have known better than clicking play. I'm going to finish my wine, drink some nyquil and got to bed for the next two days. When I come back, please make pajiba a singing-kardashian-free zone. Thank you.

Posted by: Austin at March 4, 2011 2:28 AM

Wow. I made it to a whole twenty seconds. Then I needed to kill myself. This bitch gets rich and famous because a dude pissed on her. FML.

Posted by: Fuckchop at March 4, 2011 3:28 AM

She got looks.. She is super sexxxxxy.

Posted by: Cindy at March 4, 2011 7:30 AM