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So, You’ve Incited a Hollywood Scandal

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | August 16, 2012 | Comments ()


kristen-stewart-cali.jpg

Well, now you've done it. You have done something that has enraged and excited the good souls who buy your movie tickets. You may have even hurt that nice boy's feelings. Now Lisa Ling hates you. How are you ever supposed to come out on the other side?

Don't worry. I--your personal self-professed Hollywood PR expert (I have credentials from the internet)--will see you through this troubled time.

1. Don't be such a whore.

Let's say you're a beloved actress. Your husband has allegedly been cheating on your for years. So, one day, you strike up an affair with your attractive (before the puffiness descended) co-star. BOOM. That written "boom" was the sound of your career crashing into the mountain of Hollywood, where it will spend the foreseeable future eating its fellow soccer players (of...movies? I don't know, I lost this metaphor before it started). For a moviegoing society that so requires its performers to be, as the kids say, sexayyy (I'm assuming the kids are all the little brother from Just One of the Guys), we will fucking turn on you the second you start actually making with the sex. If you fall in love with your co-star while filming, a love that leads to goodwill missions, activism and lots and lots of babies? TOO BAD, WHORE. Your public persona will never fully recover.

It should be noted, however, that if you are not the whore, and your husband/lover leaves you for someone else? You are now an ice bitch who can't keep a man. Please keep that in mind and plan accordingly.

2. You did something to your face. Don't do that.

First, you had the audacity to have the sex. Now you're going to alter your appearance, too?

You. Bitch. How dare you?

A celebrity's physical appearance apparently belongs to The People. And The People get very upset if the celebrity in question makes a change in that appearance. What I'm saying is never get your hair cut. And really never inject shit in your face. Because that thing you did, however misguided, to make yourself feel good about yourself? Will be ridiculed by your formerly adoring public. Something you had done to your face, which quite possibly means you don't have the best self-image anyway, will now cause thousands of shitty people to make sure you officially hate yourself.

3. I shouldn't have to tell you this, but don't hate Jews or women, at least out loud.

You go right ahead on and hate all the races you want. You will have a perfectly successful career until you get caught blaming those races for all the wars.

Just kidding. Even then you'll totally bounce back and be pretty okay. Until you threaten to set your girlfriend on fire, demanding she fellate you prior to immolation. Then your comeback becomes a bit more difficult.

4. Sorry about your apparent mental illness. People are going to make fun of you for years about it.

One time, a very famous lady had a complete nervous breakdown, involving shaving her head, locking herself and her small child in a bathroom and being whisked off on a 5150 psychiatric hold. People thought it was hilarious. Another time, a very famous lady shoplifted while high on painkillers she had become dependent on. People found that hilarious, too.

People are terrible.

Please note: being an asshole is not an illness. Lindsay Lohan doesn't count.

5. Are you hot? Because that helps.

Have you been following the Halle Berry divorce story? Long story short, that chick is NUTS. But, she's incredibly attractive and no one cares. So, be that hot. Because, if you aren't, every discussion will inevitably turn into something about your appearance. This is in a different realm of celebrity, but think of Ann Coulter. She's evil incarnate, and there are lots of things to say about her. But every discussion in which she is involved will turn into "and she's a dude and she's ugly." Which is crazy, because if she was a dude, we'd just be focusing on the evil and not the ugly.

6. You're going to need to get a penis.

But not one inside of you, you whore (please see #1).

I don't mean to generalize. But everyone hates women. It's true. I've seen it in the news. And, for that reason, if you're female, you're probably not going to recover from this. Because people are terrible. If you're a man, on the other hand, congratulations! You'll be fine. Did you leave a vile voicemail to your young daughter? It's all good, because you are wicked funny on "30 Rock." Did you beat a very small Barbadian woman within an inch of her life? Here, have some Grammys. Did you sneak into a child's bedroom while high on crack? You, sir, can seriously have your pick of any adoring fan right now, including the writer of this article.

That should just about cover it. Follow these simple instructions, and you'll totally pull through. Thank you, and stop having a vagina.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Spiffy McFly

    and all the KStew dedicated fans were heartbroken... so I'm happy to report this event broke no hearts outside of the obvious. "I'm a dedicated Kristen Stewart fan" are words that have never been spoken in earnest.

  • ,

    Oh, and The Clash are vastly overrated too.

  • frank247

    You take that back!

  • ,

    So this guy munched carpet in the back seat of a car (always so comfortable) with pap cameras flashing all around? Do I have that right?

    Oooooo, Mr. Sex-ayyy. That's every girl's dream, isn't it? K-Stew's so lucky to have a guy who cares about her THAT MUCH.

    *rolls eyes*

  • BierceAmbrose

    I, for one, am appalled by this piece of advice: "Thank you, and stop having a vagina."

    Please keep with the vagina having. I'm a huge fan.

  • Actually, Ann Coulter does the slim, leggy look quite well.

  • NateMan

    Ew.

  • aryastark

    Personally I think people are beating up Kristen Mongface not because she's a chick who shagged a married dude, but because she's a spoilt, snotty little madam of zero talent, but still, a fine rant.

  • ,

    Never never never never never bet against the comeback.

  • Redtuna

    All I've gotta say is that Tom Cruise is probably buying Kristen Stewart the nicest gift basket edible arrangements has to offer.

  • Quatermain

    This was pretty funny, but it did come off a little whiny there towards the end.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    "Thank you, and stop having a vagina". If ONLY I had thought of that years ago. Dammit. I could have made so much more money (income disparity rocks!) all while not being a whore (see one above).

  • branded_redux

    #8. Just because overly-obsessed fans and critics are treating this as the end of the world doesn't make it so.

    Ever celebrity scandal is of the "OMFG THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER TO HAPPENED EVER SINCE THAT LAST WORST THING TEN WHOLE SECONDS AGO!" variety, but especially if/when they involve a primary member of the biggest and largely polarizing movie/book franchises of the time. So until the next terrible, horrible, no good, very bad scandal involving the personal lives of seemingly vital people happens, there still will be many of us with no fucks left to give.

  • HaydenT

    You know what I find fucking irritating about this? The fact that RPatz has actually hooked up with multiple people during the relationship, such as Ashley Green, but that s getting zero attention as if Kristen Stewart is the most horrible person imaginable for making out with someone.

    I guess because no pictures exist? Still obnoxious.

  • letsspoon

    <sarcasm> Wow, didn't realize you and "PRATZ" were close enough buds to make you privy to such personal information. Glad we have such an inside source here at Pajiba. </sarcasm>

  • Jezzer

    The sarcasm tags didn't actually make it less douchey, in case you were wondering.

  • letsspoon

    Wow, didn't realize you and "PRATZ" were close enough buds to make you privy to such personal information. Glad we have such an inside source here at Pajiba.

  • carrie

    you can do a Christian Bale in #7: bear your errors,continue to work and show how great actor you're (until here you're an asshole with talent) and one day you're indirectly involved in a really awful event and you do the best/kind/class/right act at the right moment and the world discovers you're not like the media describes you (now you're a flawed human with heart)

  • Pants_are_a_must

    Also, try not to find yourself in the eye of an online shitstorm in which everyone and their "50 Shades of Grey"-reading mother projects you onto your horrid little anti-feminist character which you were awful at playing, because it will magnify your assholish scandal times a billion.

  • dizzylucy

    Pretty spot on, though I don't know how much Mel Gibson bounced back and was totally OK when all that racism stuff went down. See also: Michael Richards.

    And to be fair, people thought Charlie Sheen's breakdown was pretty hilarious too, though maybe he's more on par with the Lohan example.

  • NateMan

    Because people don't care about racism as much as they care about sex. It's weird how that works. It blows over much faster than if you blew someone.

  • NateMan

    While this list often holds true, I've said it before and I'll say it again: It's not that that dead-eyed doll fucked a guy while dating someone else. It's not even that the dude was married. IT'S THAT HE WAS MARRIED WITH KIDS. And just as much that they were stupid about it. I have just as much contempt for him as I do for her, believe you me. But she's the famous one. If you'd told me the guy's name - which, incidentally - I still don't care enough to remember - I would have had no idea who you were talking about. She's everywhere, all the time. It's impossible to get away from those movies, and it's impossible to associate them with anyone other than her. And she wants it that way. If you want to ride the fame dragon (which I'm now hoping the director calls his penis), you can't complain when it turns around and bites you in the face.

    The guy's family life is ruined. By him, incidentally, not by her. Despite what many people think, a guy's dick does not rule his mind. All she gets is some bad press. Big deal.

    It's absolutely true that there's often a double standard, and it shouldn't be. But that double standard? It's not there in this case. Anything Kristen Stewart gets from this, she's earned.

  • Maguita NYC

    With all due respect, although I understand your POV, most of us aware of Comic-Con know who Rupert Sanders is. He is not an anonymous face behind the camera, he is the guy who was promoting SWATH along the stars in his movie, even before filming had started.

    There is a trend that had taken off a few years ago, where movie Directors partake almost as much as their actors in promoting their movies, whether it be interview junkets, Comic-Cons, or any film festival where his/her movie is opening. And I'm not simply speaking of those more in the public eye, it has become simply a necessary promotional tool in guaranteeing earlier and wider distribution, or even a bigger budget in completing the movie.

    That is why Rupert Sanders, public figure Director, should be as much punished for this debacle as Kristen Stewart. And whether we agree upon it or not, being caught cheating on his wife with Stewart, had caused his private life to become as much public gossip property, as Stewart's had been up to this point.

  • dizzylucy

    Yes - I don't disagree with the heart of this article, but there's no way that the vastly different levels of their fame isn't at play here too, as well as the fame of their boyfriend/spouse.

  • hapl0

    Yeesh...

  • jon29

    Just to recap, if you happen to be in a committed relationship, and you have a very public affair with a married dude, take heart. It's *everyone else's* fault. Don't let nobody slut-shame you, girl.

    Did I do that right? Am I ready for Jezebel?

  • HaydenT

    Seriously, I am to saying everything is sunshine and rainbows but all they did was make out. Does that really constitute a 'public affair'? People are treating like they had sex which they did not. Frankly, it's a little ridiculous.

  • vess

    YOu can't be that stupid. He was eating her out in the car and she admitted the affair immidiatly because she feared more photos would come out. His wife wouldn't have left him for a kiss and they met secretly certainly not to just kiss.

  • But that wasn't all they did. They didn't just 'make out', he went down on her. In the back of the car. And they (the paps) have pictures, therefore leverage.
    It's true, I read it on the Internet.

  • HaydenT

    UGH, stupid Apple auto correct! I am *not saying...

  • Tress

    Yeah, this nice recap seems to have disappeared in this write-up. Another one excluded is: If you're having an affair while still living with your boyfriend, go home to your boyfriend's house as if nothing happened and have a concert date the very next day and indulge in PDA. Let this continue 1 more week until your publicist gets a call from US Weekly telling you about releasing pictures, then that's the perfect time to come clean because you're already caught.

  • Devil Child

    Angelina Jolie's career's been doing just fine. More stories about her insanity came out before her relationship with Brad Pitt than any point since.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    Angelina Jolie is still considered That Hot. Rule #5 is on her side.

  • Maguita NYC

    Also, she never admitted to sleeping with Brad while he was still married. Never.

    But Stuart went all public mea culpa, admitting to an indiscretion, apologizing and professing her love to Pattinson. Apparently, she also was intending to write an apology to Rupert's wife. That is a lot of public display of culpability, that clearly is not getting any sympathy.

    If not for those damning pictures, she should have gone the St. Angie way. Clearly, Rupert is not suffering for keeping his mouth shut.

  • Yeah, but it can't be long now. Girlfriend gotta eat a sandwich or three... and not just the lettuce.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    Oh, the tweaking has definitely begun, but I don't know if she ever regains what weight she lost.

  • Tinkerville

    I think this is relevant (but then Craig Ferguson is always relevant for any occasion) :

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • rogers

    Try to find any comedians or media (this site included) that don't make fun of and disrespect their fellow human beings. We're taught from a very young age that it's wrong to do so, but we do it anyway. Why? For the media it's to make money (ratings,webpage hits, etc)...for the public it's for entertainment (or to make ourselves feel better/superior?).

    (sarcastic slow clap....)

  • CHANK

    I have loved Craig Ferguson from the first time, I ever caught his show, but that monologue was what made me respect him to my core, and I try to show it to people as frequently as I can. He is a true gem of a human being.

  • Samantha Klein

    Brilliant as ever.

  • Ms. Ollie

    Mayhap people wouldn't delight in disliking K-Stew so much if she--someone who makes obscene amounts of money--didn't do things like: 1. Say that she wishes bad things would happen to her b/c her life is too easy 2. Blame her teachers for not sending individual lesson plans to her while she was on set and for failing to put in the extra time she feels she deserved. I do think there's a double-standard when it comes to gender, but I think Stewart's entitled attitude makes the hatin' a little more appealing.

  • Maguita NYC

    You forgot #7,

    Whatever you do, no matter how many times you break the rules, and no matter how vain you truly are, always, ALWAYS, thank Jesus.

    http://www.zimbio.com/photos/J...

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