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Pregnant Celebrities Don't Need Your Help

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | April 23, 2013 | Comments ()


pregnant-kim-kardashian-kanye-west-rio-sightseeing-couple-06.jpg

Kim Kardashian has a big ass.

I mean, she does. We all know it. It's, like, 90% of the reason she's famous. But, now that she's at double-occupancy, suddenly we're not allowed to talk about it anymore. Suddenly, we all went from "down with the Kardashians!" to "LEAVE BRITNEY KIMMY ALONE!"

As someone who came down with a mean case of the babies last year, I am no stranger to the callous criticism that can accompany pregnancy. The almost daily barrage of comments on my figure was grating, and, at times, spirit-crushing, peppered with the implication of "you're being pregnant wrong."

But, you know what didn't help? The people trying to help.

As Enormous 2012 Courtney said last year, I was not allowed to even speak the possibility that I felt fat. No one would let me. Any remotely self-disparaging words were shot down like a Duck Hunt mallard, while the non-helpfuls all seemed to be laughing at my girth like that asshole dog. These two situations were both varying types of miserable. Sure, I didn't like people telling me I was too big. But I really didn't like people telling me I couldn't think I was too big.

There is a natural inclination to protect pregnant women. And that's great. It's like a sisterhood. Friends I hadn't spoken to since high school suddenly rallied around me, like I'd joined a club of DIY tutus and proper discipline methods. And it's a club I never wanted to join, but, once I was made a member by proxy, it was nice to be a part of, really. Don't get me wrong, I am firmly STFU Smug Bitch Parents, but I'm also really grateful to have lots of other people to look to for confirmation that weird kicks were normal and my organs wouldn't fall out after my c-section (they haven't yet, but I'm still not wholly convinced). But the good side of anything has a corresponding bad. And the bad, in this case, rides along a road paved with the best, sweetest of intentions.

You see, people have a tendency to treat the pregnant like they could literally die at any given moment. While this has certain perks, like being offered chairs and not having to get boxes from the stock room, it can get old. And I know, I know, that everyone is just trying to be nice and helpful, but so is the random stranger telling me I'd look prettier if I just smiled, and that guy's story ends with a solid taintblast courtesy of my Seychelles.

In the case of Kim Kardashian, as it did with Jessica Simpson before her, the "be nice, she's a pregnant delicate snowflake" is a result of rampant speculation and commentary on her weight.

Let me preface my stance by saying I don't think anyone should be speculating or commenting upon the weight of anyone else, famous or not. Insulting people is shitty, and feigning mock horror at their health is ridiculous. Worry about your own cellulite and love handles, and leave everyone else alone, you bored harpies. Fat shaming is the one of last socially acceptable bastions of "ism" and it's not cool. And Kim Kardashian isn't fat, she's pregnant blah blah blah blah.

There is a But coming here, and I don't just mean Kim's.

But, the idea that someone should be completely scorn-free only because that person happens to be pregnant is some bullshit nonsense.

The idea that Kim Kardashian needs every female-centric blog rallying around her, singing the praises of her beautiful, womanly body, replete with the life-giving power of motherhood, is ridiculous. She doesn't. She's fine. Just because she's pregnant doesn't mean that she has been weakened to the point of vapors on the fainting couch because InTouch Weekly called her fat.

This is a woman who lives in the house that Big Ass and Sex Tape built, crafting an entire empire around public scrutiny and over-exposure. When she gets divorced after six weeks, she knows what she's doing. When she wears a belly veil to her divorce hearing, she knows what she's doing. She may be an idiot, but she's not an idiot. She's not as dumb as she is. She is completely in control of her public image, right down to every fat cell, and she is milking it for every drop of attention it will bring her.

She's not injured, she's not dying. She's pregnant. She doesn't need your protection, your defense, your "you go girl" high fives of solidarity. She is still the same twatbag society ruiner she's always been. She's just a bigger one now. You thought she sucked before she got all fetal. Don't be fake now.

Pregnancy is a sucky ten month nightmare of nonsense and heartburn. But, I'll tell you what, I've never been more unafraid to tell someone to shut the fuck up and hand me a cookie. Pregnant chicks are not precious butterflies you need to hold delicately in your hands. They're bad bitches who came here to kick ass and give birth, and they're not dilated yet. Above all else, they're people.

And to treat them as anything different is to perpetuate the idea that pregnant women, and, thus, women, are weaker and in need of coddling.

So, don't coddle Kim Kardashian. Don't coddle Jessica Simpson. Don't coddle me when I get pregnant again. Don't be a dick, but don't be a hero. Because they don't need your heroics. They've got this.







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Patty O'Green

    First of all, this made my heart sing:
    "And it’s a club I never wanted to join, but, once I was made a member by proxy, it was nice to be a part of, really."

    I agree one hundred percent. I was never the girl that wanted babies, but I didn't hate the idea, and once it happened I made it work. I've got a beautiful little boy who makes me laugh, and it's great.

    Secondly:
    "But, the idea that someone should be completely scorn-free only because
    that person happens to be pregnant is some bullshit nonsense."

    THANK YOU! It is the same as when someone dies. Look, I don't plan to sh*t on their corpse, metaphorically or literally, but neither will I feign despair as if they earned it by exceeding their heart beat limit. My opinion of them does not depend on their ability to pump blood.

  • wsapnin

    Prediction: That baby will be born with horns and a 666 somewhere on it's body. Is this not the 7th sign of the Apocolypse? Two douchebags have a baby and it's the devil?

  • kirbyjay

    "Kimmy", has always been a whiny, narcissistic bitch. Can you imagine the holy hell of her giant-ass proximity now? If I watched their weekly airwaves exhibition I would know, but I don't so I can only assume that little North West is currently being housed in the world's bitchiest luxury condo.

  • On a related note, my father once told me 'Boy, unless you know for a fact that you're the one who made her so, never ask a woman if she is pregnant. Not even if you can see a baby coming out of her at that very second. It'll save you a lot of trouble in the long run.'

  • Slash

    Well, I have no excuses for any Kardashian, I kinda wish none of them existed.

    But as for pregnant women ... um, I try to treat them a little better than I treat everyone else, which is to say, with mostly benign indifference. If you're pregnant, cool for you, but I don't feel the need to tiptoe around pregnant feelings.

    I will offer to lift or carry for a pregnant chick (to the extent I can, I am kind of a tiny woman), and I will hold doors open and shit like that, but I don't take shit from pregnant people, either. To be fair, I haven't encountered terribly unpleasant pregnant people. And I've worked with a few and been related to a few. General crankiness I assume to be the result of what has to be significant discomfort, so I just let it go, as long as it's not aimed at me. If a pregnant chick gets all bitchy and mean, well, I don't have any problem being mean and bitchy back. Cry if you want, I don't give a shit. I'm not married to you so I don't have to care how emotional you are. Yap about it to your husband.

    I don't call pregnant chicks fat. That's just mean and stupid. Pregnant is different from fat. People know this, right?

  • Neil

    "... story ends with a solid taintblast courtesy of my Seychelles".

    Hmmm, what is a Seychelles?

  • To put it succinctly: shoes.

  • Tinkerville

    How should we treat/speak to pregnant friends and family? I don't mean that in a snarky way, I ask that very, very honestly since there are several important people in my life going through that right now. It's easy to say "just treat them as you always have" but that doesn't always work.

    For example, one of my closest friends and I have always teasingly insulted each other as a display of affection, but then I accidentally made her cry. When I was consciously nice to her regarding her appearance and everything after that episode she yelled at me for treating her like a kid and not acting like myself. Then it turned into over-thinking everything I said to her for fear that it would be too mean or too nice. Obviously it's not her fault because hormones be freaking crazy, but suggestions would be welcome from those who have experienced it.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    Consult a locksmith.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    If she's a good enough friend, just tell her her hormones are making her crazy and she needs to cut you some slack because she's giving you mixed signals.

    Dealing with a pregnant woman is on a case by case (sometimes minute by minute) basis.

  • NateMan

    Kim Kardashian has a big ass.

    I just assumed you were talking about Kanye. Now this article is much less fun.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Who in the f*ck is still so dense that they think it's OK to comment on a pregnant woman's figure? That's covered in like, week two of "How Not to Be a Dick 101". And I should know. I made it to week FOUR before getting kicked out.

    It was the week we covered driving.

  • I'm rallying under under your banner. That's exactly the question I asked reading this article. Not only pregnant women, but who the fuck things it's okay to comment on ANYONE'S figure?

  • Maguita NYC

    That is the problem with the Kim Krap Konundrum: To diss or not to diss.

    On the one hand, it's Kim-Fucking-Kardashian, on the other, it's the miracle of making a baby that transforms any tramp, if only momentarily, into a sacred part of mother nature. Yes. even that fucking Kardashian.

    So Courtney, personally, I'm not feeling that comfortable shitting on pregnant Kimmy. From the moment I heard she got pregnant, she became a mother. And you should give at least her child a chance, starting with treating the mother right. It sucks, but it is how I feel about pregnant women, even attention wh$#@*%es like Kim Kardashian. Uuurgh.

  • Stina

    Yeah, this is exactly the attitude I don't get. She's knocked up, not saintly. A woman doesn't suddenly turn into "sacred mother earth" by successfully having an embryo implant itself in her uterus. It's a bodily function like everything else. Sure, it's cool how it happens and crazy the amount of changes that take place to make new life. But pregnancy by itself doesn't transform someone unless they want to become a better person/mother. And that becomes apparent by their actions, not simply a growing belly.

    And Bert_McGurt, I think the point is it's not ok to comment on ANYONE's figure. The pregnancy part is irrelevant.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Ick, exactly. It's especially not miraculous or saintly when you're having that baby while married to someone else.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Hey, I'm fully on board with ragging on her for being who she is. There's so much fodder for ridicule that I don't know why anyone would bother resorting to fat jokes.

    And I don't mean to imply that commentary on non-pregnant folks is acceptable (though positive commentary seems to get a pass, acceptable or not). It's that the commentary seems to spike the minute a lady gets knocked up.

  • Stina

    Agreed!

  • It has been almost 18 years since my c-section, and none of my parts have fallen out yet. Just thought I'd alleviate that worry. I even had another kid the regular way (which I think more likely to result in organs falling out, but that didn't happen, either). And while I am against fat-shaming (or fat hate, if we're going to call it what it really is) in general, I find fat-shaming pregnant women to be reprehensible. It's hard enough to deal with some alien taking over your body for nine months, changing your shape, giving you new medical issues, changing how your body processes nutrients so your hair breaks but nails get weirdly strong, etc. Having some asshole stranger tell you you're fat is the last thing you need. Yeah, I'm talking to you, guy in the train parking lot who told me I was a fat cow because I was moving slowly while eight months pregnant. 18 years later, that still stings. I did, however, turn in the middle of the crosswalk in front of his car and scream "I'm fucking PREGNANT you ignorant jackass, so shut your gaping pie-hole!" There's something about being pregnant that makes you give zero fucks regarding how you're perceived by strangers. Or maybe that was just me.

    That said, I still hate Kimmy and all she stands for, how and why she got famous, the ubiquity of her family members and their various ploys to "entertain" us (also known as being soul-sucking leeches...), and the fact that girlfriend has all that money but STILL can't figure out how to dress herself well.

  • ELee

    I needed NO protection when I was pregnant. I probably needed a muzzle for my sassmouth, and some blinders for emotional television, but I didn't need any protection. I threatened my best friend over a card game, I burst into tears over a turkey sandwich, and I was as horny as a cat in heat. Hell, I think people needed protection from me.

  • Devin McMusters

    OMG, there's nothing like a woman in her second trimester! She was on me like I was John Amos!

  • Maguita NYC

    And you still wonder why we handle you with kid gloves.

    Dude, we just don't know how to behave around you anymore! Be nice, do not be nice. Ignore me, do not f-cking ignore the pregnant crazy b-tch. Help me, no, you're doing it wrong. I'm strong I can handle anything, no! You're so mean, can't you see I'm pregnant?!

    When my sister was pregnant, it was hell. It was awful. It was annoying. I hated her during the last weeks of her pregnancy. Then I was there, IN THE ROOM, for the birth of my nephew. I was the first one to hold him. Then he squeezed my finger so strong, for so long. And I cried and forgave my sister everything.

    No matter what, you fucking crazy bitches are worth it. But I'm not having babies, I'd rather be an amazing aunt, than a so-so parent, let alone a pregnant monster.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    You forgive too easily, my friend. 'Oh God, THIS? AGAIN?' was my response to my sister's announcement of her second pregnancy. I was right to say it and I'll say no more in the Lord's spare bedroom.

  • Maguita NYC

    Don't matter if she gets pregnant again. I now live on a different continent!

  • $27019454

    When are you due?

  • Melina

    I don't think I ever got any pregnancy love or support from strangers because my eyes were clearly crazy and I was just begging for someone that I didn't know to make ANY comment towards me and my pregnancy so that I could eviscerate them with my words. I emoted this sentiment with every fiber of my being. I have to say, I enjoyed the silent parting of carts at the grocery store and everyone's fear of me. So much so, I did it two more times with equal levels of success.

  • Xtacle Steve

    Wait, wait, wait...Kim Kardashian is having a baby? With Kanye West? It's just like the gypsy woman predicted.

  • Anna von Beav

    My baby sister, who was the most laid-back person in the entire world, got MEAN AS HELL when she was pregnant. Seriously, it was an AMAZING transformation. People would try to pull some bullshit on her and she'd get all "ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW."

    Yeah, she did not need any "protection".

  • the other courtney

    Sweetcheeks, all that love only comes around the first time. A wise friend told me (when I was hosting my firstborn in utero) to enjoy the attention of a 1st time breeder because it only comes around once. It doesn't ever quite measure up after that. She was right. Not that I think getting/being pregnant is some grandiose accomplishment in and of itself, but after you've had the 1st one, folks tend to take a very "Hangover II" view of it.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    folks tend to take a very "Hangover II" view of it.

    They hate you and wish you were never made? That seems... harsh.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    You thought she sucked before she got all fetal. Don’t be fake now.

    This. Times infinity. And then doubled.

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  • Well said.

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