People Magazine 'Consciously Uncouples' Itself from Gwyneth Paltrow's Good Graces
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People Magazine 'Consciously Uncouples' Itself from Gwyneth Paltrow's Good Graces

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | April 3, 2014 | Comments ()

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There are two things you must know about People Magazine. First, it owns a summer home in the anal cavity of every celebrity. Second, its stories come signed, sealed and approved courtesy of its every subject.

Unless, that is, the celebrity in question is loathed by the mag’s base demographic. And who is more loathed and less accessible than the Goopsicle herself, Gwyneth Paltrow?

That’s why People is planting itself firmly on Team Coldplay. And they’re doing it by alleging the heartland’s most loathsome concepts. One is an open marriage (in People-ese that just means she cheated on him because it’s OK when boys do it) and the other is (gasp!) glamour.

The Coldplay rocker, 37, “is the kind of person who is always in a T-shirt,” says another friend. “She’s much more glam.”

Thank you for that special editorial, Taylor Swift! They might as well have said Chris likes to feed homeless babies and Gwyneth likes to feed homeless babies to her dogs.

Look. Gwyneth is basically terrible. But so is Chris Martin, and when two basically terrible people can’t find love in this crazy world? Sigh.

What the Hell, Franco? Scam On Someone Your Own Age, Sleazy McSleazestein | Because Your Most Difficult Thursday Decision Should Be: Who Is Hotter, Good Guys or Bad?

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Homme-Fatal

    How is Chris Martin horrible?

  • googergieger

    Remember when people liked Coldplay?

    *gets baseball bat ready to hit whoever says they did*

  • scary biscuits
  • Maddy

    I don't even like GOOP and this annoys me on her behalf for some reason

  • John G.

    Disqus won't let me downvote you, so I am verbally downvoting you.

    Gwyneth wouldn't stop to help you if you were bleeding from your eyes on her best day, even with the cameras there. You being annoyed on her behalf is awful. Just stop it.

    You know, this is actually better than a downvote.

  • Maddy

    Whatever makes you feel better

  • John G.

    Gwyneth likes to feed homeless babies to her dogs.

    Ha, Gwyneth doesn't feed her own dogs. Her dog nanny feeds the dog and cleans up after it, and glues its legs to the floor in the display case when Gwyneth wants to display what a kind, dog-loving person she is at her gourmet pumpkin carving party

  • BlackRabbit

    Does People's Richard Gere house have a rodent problem?

  • e jerry powell

    I puke on them both. And on several issues of People, just for good measure.

  • stella

    I think I need a nap because aren't they just commenting on the different clothing styles those two employ?

  • lumenatrix

    You know, Gweneth has never struck me as horrible. I could be totally wrong, obviously as I've never met her, but she has always struck me more as a very nice lady who has just grown up so rich and so completely removed from the hoi poloi that she truly and honestly does not comprehend how normals live or just how different her lifestyle is from the rest of us.

    She's the kind of rich lady who when you said you had to leave to go pick up the kids she'd answer "why not just send the driver and have him bring them back here?" and there would be no snobbery or pretension in it; it is her reality and it doesn't even occur to her to think it isn't that way for everyone. So she isn't maliciously stuck up and spoiled, just inadvertently so. It doesn't really excuse it, I guess, but it seems less obnoxious in my book.

  • Bob Genghis Khan

    "Estée Lauder donates a minimum of
    $500,000 of sales of items from the ‘Pleasures Gwyneth Paltrow’
    collection to breast cancer research.

    Paltrow serves on the board of the Robin Hood Foundation, a charitable organization which attempts to alleviate problems caused by poverty in New York City.

    She is the Ambassador for the Saks Fifth Avenue Key To The Cure campaign against breast cancer.

    In 2008, Paltrow donated $75,000 to the Food Bank For New York City.

    She narrated the UNICEF film The Gift."

    Just from a 5-second Google search. So let's maybe reserve the "basically a terrible person thing" for someone who deserves it?

  • John G.

    Are you on the autism spectrum? Is humor and effigy burning for fun one of those social cues you don't pick up on?

  • lumenatrix

    Yeah, I think this is a good demonstration of what I'm trying to say, I think. A nice lady with good intentions who can sometimes just be clueless as to how things work in the "regular" world and this causes her to come across as spoiled or elitist when it's really just a sort of out-of-touch foot-in-mouth kind of thing. I mean, sometimes I read quotes from her and I seriously cringe at how completely ridiculous she sounds, but then when you step back from the sound bite and look at the big picture it really never seems like there's any negative intent behind it.

  • loo shag brolley

    So, less of a Marie Antoinette, more of an Emily Gilmore? I can roll with that.

  • Bob Genghis Khan

    Pretentious, up her own ass, etc, I agree with...but terrible is a pretty strong one to throw around so lightly.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    No reason that people who give to charity can't still be assholes. And she's kind of an asshole.

  • loo shag brolley

    To be clear, I'm not disagreeing with you. You make a good point. That's probably the first thing Hollywood figured out, that if someone feels like they'd just have the best time ever hanging out with celebrity X, they're more likely to spend money on movies. Truly GOOP's only "crime" is that she seems like an insufferable party guest.

  • So you're saying she's our Marie Antoinette?

  • Uriah_Creep

    So you're saying she's our Marie Antoinette?

    "Let them eat Allison Brie cake!"

  • John G.

    NO, if that were true, we'd get to cut off her head. Also, she wouldn't even let us eat cake.

  • stella

    Honestly would you want to eat a cake endorsed by Ms Paltrow?

  • John G.

    I bet it's delicious, but costs $10,000, which Gwyneth just can't understand why people wouldn't always choose it. Her guru said he loved it

  • stella

    I honestly assumed that it would be made of tofu and gluten free flour or something unappetizing.

  • lumenatrix

    Ha! I never really thought of it that way, but yeah, kinda.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I confess the following:

    1. I had already seen that article on People's website.
    2. I, too, thought it was surprisingly not-complimentarily-detailed about their private lives, especially for a PR machine magazine.
    3. Yesterday, I ate over 40 Cadbury Mini Eggs. I am their creature.

  • loo shag brolley

    Oh, those Cadbury Mini Eggs are freaking magical.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    They are the best. And I"m not even a milk chocolate fan. But that crunchy sugar shell...and the fact that they are a seasonal item. I'm glad I can't get them all year to get sick of them.

  • Bert_McGurt

    The first thing this made me think of:

  • stella

    Dude that is horrible. Why would he want so many cakes?!

  • I will always be amused by this. Always.

  • Anne At Large

    And to the candy store I go! Mrs. J, you are an inspiration, as always.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I was going to call Mr. J and tell him to throw the rest out while I was at work. Fortunately, I forgot. Of course, now I've remembered but I am working on repressing it.

  • Norah

    I love you, Courtney.

  • ViciousTrollop

    I just read the People story and what the hell is a "Bahamas breakup moon"?!

  • BWeaves

    It's like a Seinfeld honeymoon.

  • bastich

    It serves as nice chaser for a "Goopsicle".

  • ljridley

    It sounds like the kind of drink that would produce neon puke and a really vicious hangover.

  • PDamian

    And comes in a neon plastic long container with a really long swirly straw.

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