People Magazine 'Consciously Uncouples' Itself from Gwyneth Paltrow's Good Graces
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People Magazine 'Consciously Uncouples' Itself from Gwyneth Paltrow's Good Graces

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | April 3, 2014 | Comments ()

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There are two things you must know about People Magazine. First, it owns a summer home in the anal cavity of every celebrity. Second, its stories come signed, sealed and approved courtesy of its every subject.

Unless, that is, the celebrity in question is loathed by the mag’s base demographic. And who is more loathed and less accessible than the Goopsicle herself, Gwyneth Paltrow?

That’s why People is planting itself firmly on Team Coldplay. And they’re doing it by alleging the heartland’s most loathsome concepts. One is an open marriage (in People-ese that just means she cheated on him because it’s OK when boys do it) and the other is (gasp!) glamour.

The Coldplay rocker, 37, “is the kind of person who is always in a T-shirt,” says another friend. “She’s much more glam.”

Thank you for that special editorial, Taylor Swift! They might as well have said Chris likes to feed homeless babies and Gwyneth likes to feed homeless babies to her dogs.

Look. Gwyneth is basically terrible. But so is Chris Martin, and when two basically terrible people can’t find love in this crazy world? Sigh.

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