Oh. My. God. I Think I'm Having Palpitations: The Olivia Newton-John/John Travlota Christmas Album
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Oh. My. God. I Think I'm Having Palpitations: The Olivia Newton-John/John Travolta Christmas Album

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | October 2, 2012 | Comments ()


I thought about writing about Taylor Swift being nonsensical. Or Lindsay Lohan's latest fabricated drama. But, in the end, there was only one option. Because, seriously. DO YOU EVEN SEE THAT ABOVE THIS PARAGRAPH RIGHT NOW? I'm all:


And then I'm all:


So...*tight fisted shiver of joy* John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John--DANNY ZUKO AND SANDY OLSEN THEMSELVES--have a Christmas album coming out this year. Because nothing combats the gay totally obvious truths rumors like appealing to middle America with a Christmas album--FEATURING BARBRA STREISAND, EVEN--wherein you reunite with the woman who made this video. Or, for that matter, this movie.


*deep breaths* Let's analyze.

First and foremost, there is obviously John Travolta's velour hair of late '80s car seat glamour realness. Look at it. LOOK AT IT.




DELIGHT. I want to make flare-legged stretchy jazz pants out of it. I want to paint Elvis's face on it. I want to use it for the top of my child's Christmas dress. But mostly I fear it, because, as you know, I have a phobia of velvet. IT IS EXQUISITE.

I spend far too much of my life examining the internal celebrity psyche, and I have come to understand them in ways mere mortals cannot. But I have absolutely no concept of how Johnny here thinks he is fooling anyone. ANYONE. With anything on his head or in his pants, but for now, let's focus on the head situation. Honey...No. But, please, for the love of all things holy, please keep doing it.

Nextly, they are clearly not drinking liquids. That is clearly a solid substance in those cups. FABULOUS.

Third, the Photoshop wizards who worked on this committed the cardinal sin of fixing up a photo of someone: they did not whiten their teeth. I don't know if any of you in your professional lives have ever had to "tweak" a photo or portrait of someone, but I have, and I can tell you this: if you don't whiten their teeth, they think that you are conspiring against them and actually went in and yellowed said teeth on purpose. Because people are crazy, and that's not merely limited to celebrities.

Liv's looking pretty good. She's had a rough time of it. And her daughter's sad body image issues have led her to Jocelyn Wildenstein herself into oblivion by her early 20s. So I'll leave her be. You go on with your bad self, ONJ.

You must understand: I have had a day. It's been stressful, annoying and we lost a reality show star I actually liked. But this?


This makes me happy. Oh, Johnny Travs and your fancy hair. Thank you. For making us laugh at you. Again.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • TheOriginalMRod

    His hair looks like the hair on my brother's Eagle Eye GI Joe.

  • ,


    Call me, honey.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Those cups they are holding look like hot chocolate scented candles from a gift shop. They probably just airbrushed out the wicks.

  • Ruthie O

    Sahara's death filled me with sadness. All I want to do is hug Manila. (P.S. Brilliant post, as always!)

  • Northern rene

    John Travolta looks like a 1970's GI Joe doll. in every way imaginable.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Dangit... you beat me! Yes... Eagle Eye GI Joe! Totally!!!

  • bleujayone

    John Travolta IS Gigolo Joe 2.0

  • Jim

    Should've called the album "Olivia and Real Guy Doll" - the only thing NOT plastic on the right of the photo is that cup.

  • Natallica

    I think I found Travolta's long lost brother: Ryo Ishizaki, from Captain Tsubasa: http://tsubasa.sukinet.com/ima...

  • DarthCorleone

    Their eyes are burning into my soul.

  • David Sorenson

    When I first saw that pic of Travolta, I thought it looked like he drew that hair on with a permanent marker. Then I thought about him staring intently into the mirror, marker in hand, rubbing it all over his head with the "squeaky squeaky squeaky" noise that markers make.

  • Tammy

    I can't shake that image, dude. *Squeaky Squeaky.* *Squeaky Squeaky.* *SQUEAKY SQUEAKY.*


  • zeke_the_pig

    I've said it before and I'll say it again - you could put the real Travolta in a wax museum and people will walk out disappointed saying, 'I understand the limitations of the medium and all, but that Travolta statue looked way too fake.'

  • Idle Primate

    we sure spend a lot of ink around here disparaging hollywood scientologists on the basis of their sexuality. they may have a fascist nutballs religion, but why does that make it open season, (on an otherwise lefty site) on people's sexuality, whether they are open or not, whether it is rumours or true.

    and crap gay digs as the opening gambit to make fun of a christmas album? the grinch would be proud.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Well, to be fair, it's open season on just about everything here.

    But then it's open season on whomever posts the shots.

    (take comfort that NONE of the commenters have made cracks about Travolta's sexuality except to say we don't care - pretty much all the comments are about the weird, weird hair)

  • Travolta's a putz, but Olivia? OMG. Love her voice. Have loved it for years.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    DELIGHT. I want to make flare-legged stretchy jazz pants out of it. I want to paint Elvis’s face on it. I want to use it for the top of my child’s Christmas dress. But mostly I fear it, because, as you know, I have a phobia of velvet. IT IS EXQUISITE.

    I think this is my most favorite thing that you have ever written, because before I even clinked I was sucked into a vortex of fascination about what's on his head.

    I don't care about what he does with what's in his pants - that's his business. Besides, he's given us some truly amazing pants-based visuals.

    Also: I'm kind of digging the non-whitened, but still perfectly-normal-white teeth.

  • Lemon_Poundcake

    Yes! I thought the exact same thing as I read that paragraph. And laughed so hard I scared the dog.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    (though now that I look closer I do see that soap scum line @BWeaves:disqus mentioned.)

  • Pookie

    Certain actors I like because they never seem to want to hurt anyone, you never hear about them doing stupid shit, nor do they break the law. Travolta seems like one of those type of actors. I’ve been a fan of his for ages, my brother and I loved watching “Welcome back, Kotter.” And I like watching his movies. I think Travolta is one of the good guys in Hollywood. I don’t care who he fucks or what god he believes in or if he wears a rug or not, its his business. I hope his Christmas album sells a million copies.

  • oilybohunk7

    His hair a Chia quality.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I think Travolta's buying his hair at the same place Evil Troy and Evil Abed get their goatees.
    Either that or he's got Ron Popeil chained up in his basement. Actually, that explains more than just the hair...

  • mswas

    That scroll down/zoom in hair reminds me of this scene in Ferris Bueller's Day Off where Cameron is mesmerized by the little girl in the Seurat painting. You zoom in farther and farther until there's no meaning at all. http://youtu.be/ubpRcZNJAnE

  • Captain_Tuttle

    That's exactly what I was thinking of! And I also did that with that painting. It's trippy.

  • Three_nineteen

    Maybe Travolta's head is the next step in attempting to make draping yourself in velvet socially acceptable.

  • Tammy

    It just looks so soft - like the freshly shorn belly of a recently-neutered puppy. Also, about as sexy.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    You need more upvotes. Guys, hey, guys? Upvotes up there. Neutered puppy belly! How is this not the top comment?

  • Tammy

    He looks like a Lego man. Does that hair piece snap on?

  • lowercase_ryan

    He looks like one of the aliens from Galaxy Quest. But creepier.

  • ghisent

    I kind of feel like you can sub in anything and your sentence remains true.

    "He looks like (insert pretty much anything). But creepier."

  • lowercase_ryan

    Well played =)

  • Ghisent

    That's not hair. It's carpet tile.

  • BWeaves

    1. How can you have hair that short and not see skin between the follicles?

    2. How can you hold a cup of brown spoogze and have it not level itself to the horizon? Are they on a ship?

    3. Are they wearing retainers? Or is that the soap scum line from drinking the spoogze from the tea cups?

  • Snath

    Oh, good lord.

  • mcleodlt

    Hilarious. Thank you.

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