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Nut Shrinkage and Bacne. Oh, Snooki, You Are A DELIGHT

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (76)

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*clears throat, adjusts monocle*

Good day, fair gentles. I must ask you at this moment to collect every book you own, put it in a pile, then take a giant shit on it and set it all aflame. You no longer require that drivel. There is but one book in your world now. Greater than any bible or dogma, finer than any work of so-called “fine literature” you can imagine.

The art of the written word has a new queen, NAY I SAY TO YOU, a goddess. And her name is Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. Her hair is high, her skin is the color of Olestra-induced discharge, and her prose is as layered as the seminal fluid ring around her hot tub. She is Snooki. Hear her roar.

snookibooki.jpg

Selections from A Shore Thing:

He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.

When she slurped the tequila out of that nameless man’s navel, I think she was really speaking to the human condition.

Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.

Her word pictures put me right there at her side. I can almost taste the gorilla. Tastes like stale latex, Cool Water for Men, and regret.

Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.

So ‘roidy. Like the storm.

Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.

Me right now:

bruce-conner-design-for-mankind-bombhead-412x516-1.jpg

I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And we’ve beheld such beauty. Such elegant, graceful beauty. She’s like a swan. Like a pregnant swan.









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Comments

*Vomits on all of Pajibaland*

Well, that was the cover, now to read the- AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHH!

Posted by: Paultera at January 4, 2011 2:09 PM

I opened a review of this book on my computer this morning and my bookcases said FUCK NO, sprouted legs and headed for the door. Of course, I quickly apologized and made them all a nice big cup of hot chocolate, and they agreed to stay for now, but I have been put on notice, so I think I will go ahead and skip this one!

Posted by: tracey at January 4, 2011 2:10 PM

What is a badonk? Is that her hair bump-thing? And why is that thing so poofy? Is that the style now? Oy, I feel old. Is it dinner time yet? Did I miss bingo?!

Posted by: Scully at January 4, 2011 2:11 PM

Aaaaannnnddd...aneurysm. Thanks for that.

Posted by: KatSings at January 4, 2011 2:11 PM

I don't know why I'm asking, except that I torture myself with knowledge that will later keep me up at night while I toss and turn and agonize over my own mortality. Anyway, Snookie "wrote" a "book". Is this "book" a "novel" or is it random mutterings of an orange, puff-headed, roly-poly? Because...well, there is no because. Only pain.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at January 4, 2011 2:12 PM

It oughta bookend quite nicely with JWOWW's book.

Posted by: Rykker at January 4, 2011 2:12 PM

can anyone who would waant to read this book actually, y'know, read?

Posted by: theFatman at January 4, 2011 2:12 PM

THIS IS WHY PEOPLE WANT TO BOMB US!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 4, 2011 2:13 PM

As soon as the fart slipped out, I was hers.

Posted by: internet magpie at January 4, 2011 2:13 PM

Does Pajiba have syphilis now? Will I catch it? I suppose I should use a condom in order to be safe but I think it's going to be hard to type with my arms encased within protective latex. Perhaps I should dunk them in bleach first.

Posted by: admin at January 4, 2011 2:13 PM

I have a sneaky feeling this book won't make me smarter.

Posted by: Wednesday at January 4, 2011 2:16 PM

She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.

no.
No.
NO!!!

WHATTHEFUCK? C'MON!

Posted by: Rykker at January 4, 2011 2:17 PM

Incredibly, inordinately, devastatingly, immortally, calamitously, hearteningly, adorably beautiful. (Rupert Brooke)

This is the opposite of that.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 4, 2011 2:18 PM

I'd hit it.

Posted by: Willy Wonka at January 4, 2011 2:18 PM

she IS the 5th horseman of the apocalypse. repent now cuz we are doomed. don't fight it. just lay in a good supply of granola bars, fruit leather and lots of grain alcohol.

Posted by: blondefire at January 4, 2011 2:18 PM

Bring an intramuscular antibiotic-filled syringe.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 4, 2011 2:20 PM

Is Michael Chabon gonna have to choke a bitch?

Posted by: Parker Jammstein at January 4, 2011 2:21 PM

No, no, no, NO!!!

Doesn't this bitch know anything?!?! You gotta go all the way, baby! "A fart slipped out," isn't good enough anymore. We've seen you infect hot tubs with your slushy, desperate vagina. I want full-on 'rrhea waves hurtling into socks! I need blood and bile-soaked oral sex! I MUST HAVE projectile vomiting during a Bris Milah!!!

Tsk, tsk, Snookie. This won't do at all.

Posted by: Kballs at January 4, 2011 2:22 PM

Burn 'em to ashes, then burn the ashes.

Posted by: branded montag at January 4, 2011 2:22 PM

I've been around these Pajiban waters for almost six months now, primarily lurking in the shadows and occassionally stepping out of the bushes and enjoy a nice drink of scath. It was this spring of bitchiness that introduced me to the "wonder" that is Snooki. Until I came here, I had no idea who or what it was and I was very blissful in my ignorance. And now that I know, I just wanted to say thank you for the massive brain hemmorage that won't kill me but just turn me into a blattering idiot. Much like Snooki.

The circle is complete.

Posted by: Kargoyle at January 4, 2011 2:23 PM

I don't...I can't...I mean...Does anyone...It's just...yeah. No words.

Posted by: Stacey at January 4, 2011 2:26 PM

Now I'm one of those people. I take the antibiotic slam back. Snooki is a person and deserving of a modicum of respect. Just because she found a way to make studipity remunerative is no reason to lower myself to nasty comments. She's not the one perpetuating the wealth-generating nature of the lowest common denominator. They are other both more (and less) sophisticated people to blame for that. Herewith I apologise to and forgive all of the obnoxious famous people*. I absolve you. Come closer children. I shall enfold you in my redemptive embrace.


*This offer is not open to Ann Miller for obvious reasons.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 4, 2011 2:29 PM

...

Posted by: OldSchool60 at January 4, 2011 2:31 PM

I come from a family of lower-class, white trash Pennsyltucky truckers, and I do not have the cursewords to describe what I'm feeling right now.

Posted by: dahlia6 at January 4, 2011 2:31 PM

WHUT. HAVE. YOU. DUNNNNNNN

Posted by: Ian at January 4, 2011 2:32 PM

dude

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 4, 2011 2:35 PM

Who's the idiot ghost writer and editor who help write this crap? It sound like someone who can't talk, let alone, write.
Someone publish this SHIT!

Posted by: madclawmannn at January 4, 2011 2:36 PM

Kballs, you've really outdone youself this morning. (It's still morning where I am.)

I won't be needing lunch today, or EVER AGAIN.

Posted by: MM at January 4, 2011 2:37 PM

I felt my IQ dropping with every word I read. Thank you for that.

Posted by: Sarah at January 4, 2011 2:40 PM

Somebody rerun that list of the top-earning "reality" stars, I'm finished barfing up what I ate for Christmas and am working my way back to Thanksgiving.

Posted by: , at January 4, 2011 2:44 PM

Snookie, you sexxy thang you.


Posted by: klingonfree at January 4, 2011 2:54 PM

It says "Novel" on the cover! The words Snooki and novel are within inches of each other and yet the book, it does no burst into flames as should be. Surely this has been prophesied. Quickly! Everyone grab your "Godtopus Hates Hags" signs! To MTV headquarters! They are the bringers of this doom! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Posted by: Paultera at January 4, 2011 3:01 PM

kballs, "slushy, desperate vagina" just might be the best description I've ever read.

This is my solomn promise to the CB community: if this is available on kindle and is under $15...

I will buy it.

I will read it.

And if I survive the experience, I will review it.

I will then promptly receive treatment at a psych rehabilitation center. But by all that is holy and tentacly, I will consider it an honor to allow this inglorious contribution to literature to sear my eyeballs and melt my brain.

Posted by: Marra at January 4, 2011 3:06 PM

"If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." Neitzsche saw this day coming.

Posted by: SuburbanHermit at January 4, 2011 3:16 PM

Dude, this is what scares the abyss.

Posted by: dahlia6 at January 4, 2011 3:18 PM

A part of me feels slightly compelled to look at it to see if the entire book is comprised of these sentence fragments, or if it's just the quotes chosen here.

Also, who the hell puts their own photo on the cover of their fictional novel??

Posted by: Christina at January 4, 2011 3:22 PM

Marra You're in luck. It's $10.99 in the Kindle store. Godspeed, my friend.

Posted by: MeganTheFirst at January 4, 2011 3:27 PM

Almost everything is under $15 on Kindle, Marra, so you either just got one and didn't know that, or you knew it all along and just wanted to make a show of not wanting to read it, you sly dog.

Posted by: Kballs at January 4, 2011 3:31 PM

Everything hurts right now.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at January 4, 2011 3:43 PM

dahlia6 is my new favourite. I look forward to her presence on EE and in assorted threads.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 4, 2011 3:44 PM

Now I understand why all those birds are dropping dead from the sky and fish are washing up on the shore.

Posted by: Drake at January 4, 2011 3:46 PM

kballs, $15 is my joke purchase price ceiling, that's why I quoted it. I've actually had my kindle for a while now, but I never use it to read anything other than books I'm too embarassed to keep on a real bookshelf, which means most of my purchases for it are under $5. Snooki's book is $10.99, which seems to be $9 more than I'd like to pay; but I guess that's a sacrifice I'm going to have to make in order to reach retard nirvana.

Posted by: Marra at January 4, 2011 3:51 PM

I have seen true courage, and its name is Marra. This puts the guilty pleasure drivel I watch on SyFy under the premise of "warning my friends" to complete shame.

Posted by: Markus at January 4, 2011 4:03 PM

This is going to be bigger than the Twilight series. Those of you with children should just observe the increase in tanning lotion, gel and extreme hand movements while speaking.

Posted by: Mela Pie at January 4, 2011 4:03 PM

I has a certain spare brilliance, doesn't it? Not a whisper of sense or taste. Totally committed to being what it is.

Is it time for The Bad Hemingway Contest? This might be a winner.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at January 4, 2011 4:09 PM

Marra,

If you read and review that thing of your own free will then we should all pitch in and buy it FOR you. Or donate to buy all the Kleenex you'll need for the sporadic nosebleeds you're sure to experience after.

Posted by: Paultera at January 4, 2011 4:10 PM

Someone sent me this book. It is looking at me right now. I think it knows I am here. When I open the pages, I hear the faint beginning notes of "My New Haircut." The back says "Fist pumps for Snooki!" and quotes the New York Times saying it is "Incomparable." The last page includes the following dialogue:

"You think there'll be a lot of cute boys at NYU?"
"Are you kidding? Dozens on every block. A lot of them will be gay, but whatever," said Gia. "What about Philly?"
"Come on! Philly? A hardworking industrial town? are they confusing Philly with Pittsburgh? Seriously? It'll be crawling with guido juicehead gorillas."

From reading those few lines I've given myself skin cancer and herpes. It is too late for me. I can't go on. Please, tell my bumpits I love them and make sure my hair gel goes to a good place.

Posted by: Lindsay at January 4, 2011 4:13 PM

Now THAT'S how you get pink-eye!!!

Posted by: Kballs at January 4, 2011 4:18 PM

Now I understand why all those birds are dropping dead from the sky and fish are washing up on the shore.

I nominate this for EE.

Posted by: MM at January 4, 2011 4:32 PM

You just know that John McCain had this on pre-order from Amazon.

Posted by: Jadine at January 4, 2011 4:38 PM

Good Morning Sisters and Brothers,

Please take your seats as we open this morning's service here in the Church of Michael Our Eternal Judge.

Please turn to page 29 in you Book of Words and go to the mighty Prophecy of the Woeful Idiot.

Chapter 20 Verse 6

"... And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for f--s and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again!"

Goddamn that Mike Judge really IS a Prophet, isn't he?

Can I get a "Hallelujah" and an "Ow, My Balls!" and a beer for me to weep into for the future?

Posted by: bleujayone at January 4, 2011 4:59 PM

No.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at January 4, 2011 5:37 PM

Seconded, MM--that cracked me up!

Posted by: meaux at January 4, 2011 5:39 PM

it's not a porno? crap, amazon i want my money back!

Posted by: idleprimate at January 4, 2011 5:41 PM

I, I just can't. Man, I got nuthin. I am trying to come up with something witty and caustic but this does not merit any effort from any of us.
But, what does she shook it hard mean? Like

Posted by: daria at January 4, 2011 5:52 PM

Idiocracy is here, people. Embrace the waste. And pray for a quick and painless death.

Posted by: spoobnooble at January 4, 2011 6:05 PM

"...slushy, desperate vagina..."

kballs, I think I'm in love with you.

And Snooki? You spell your name wrong. Grammatically, there should be an e on the end of it. See what you can do about that, okay?

Posted by: The Mama at January 4, 2011 6:18 PM

I don't even...

Posted by: sailboat at January 4, 2011 6:44 PM

Marra, Godspeed and good luck. I hope the rubber room they put you in will be clean and well-padded.

Just reading the excerpts of this wad of smegma-laced pig's tripes (and, earlier, bits of Glenn Beck's attempt at a 'novel') have convinced me that I'm not that bad a writer after all.

It would appear, at first blush, that compared to Snooki's maunderings I'm another godsdamned John Steinbeck.

Posted by: The Wanderer at January 4, 2011 6:50 PM

The entire time I was reading this one thing kept echoing through my slushy desperate mind...

"TK is going to HAVE to liveblog the movie adaptation."

Posted by: Mrcreosote at January 4, 2011 7:06 PM

It's comments like that which lead to TK's basement. Tread carefully.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 4, 2011 7:28 PM

It´s a Jersey thing...
Usama got a copy..
To be continued...

Posted by: UncleKaiser at January 4, 2011 7:41 PM

Scully - I believe that the 'badonk' is the ass. I don't know how I know that. Perhaps I had a sudden burst of contextual deduction that allowed me to mentally conjure the noise of a freshly-minted coin being bounced solidly off of a recently spray-tanned, spongy buttock. Perhaps I've let down my shield against any form of musical stimulation that doesn't come in the form of intimidatingly-bearded, tattooed men hulking over screeching guitars and roaring about Satan once too often, and as a result, have somehow been exposed to hip-hop slang - perhaps a solitary 'badonkadonk' slipped unbidden into my aural cavity like some failure-reeking, slatternly, rapey ear-worm. However the unholy knowledge was gleaned, I'm glad to share with you the burden. My mind feels cleaner, somehow.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at January 4, 2011 8:12 PM

If when this hits the bestseller list, I'm defecting to Canada. Anyone up north got a room to spare?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at January 4, 2011 8:28 PM

Court,
If you were going to write anything about that idiot thank God it was brief. The only thing I want to know about her book is was it in crayon? Please God, tell me it's time for her to go away ( and take the rest of them with her before young society becomes so stupid that we're all doomed).

Posted by: Johnny57 at January 4, 2011 9:03 PM

In the annals of ultimate Pajiba sacrifice:

Prisco reviews A Serbian Film
TK reviews The Client List
Dustin reviews Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Marra exposes her brain to "That Which Is Known As Snooki"

May God have mercy on your souls, and may I suggest we move to DEFCON 2.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at January 4, 2011 10:26 PM

Ave Maria purisima!

Quien chingados dejo que esta retardada mental "escribiera" un libro sobre una mujer que toma tequila de los ombligos de los hombres y que emite gases del trasero cuando baila?! Y si no fuese suficiente, va a corromper a nuestros hijos con anecdotas de drogas y sexo con gorrillas! Ni el amor que le tiene a la familia, el trabajo y su trasero la absolvera de esta y muchas mas atrocidades!

Que pedazo de basura!

Not only has the Snooks bought out my Spanish, y'all, she also just made me write an unofficial Cannonbal Read III review.

Feh.

Posted by: Snappysquirrel at January 4, 2011 11:00 PM

This book needs a warning label from Prescott Pharmaceuticals.

"Warning: Exposure to A Shore Thing may result in Spontaneous Penis Inversion, Brain AIDS, or Anal Hershiser."

Posted by: Mario Speedwagon at January 4, 2011 11:30 PM

LEAVE SNOOKI ALONE!!!!

Posted by: Lennon at January 5, 2011 1:14 AM

Uriah, concur. DEFCON 2 authorized.

Do you want one of the missile keys?

Posted by: The Wanderer at January 5, 2011 3:19 AM

O-o

Posted by: Aislinn at January 5, 2011 9:08 AM

Is it time for The Bad Hemingway Contest? This might be a winner.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at January 4, 2011 4:09 PM
---
What, they don't do Bulwer-Lytton anymore?

"It was a dark and sloshy vagina ..."

Posted by: , at January 5, 2011 10:55 AM

As someone who studied writing in undergrad, I can confidently say I've written worse.

Posted by: JohnnyVonAwesome at January 5, 2011 11:19 PM

I'm going to presume this is her application to the Iowa Writer's Workshop.

Posted by: samantha t at January 6, 2011 1:33 PM

I enjoyed reading this, and I'm looking forward to your next piece of work. Would it be OK with you if I used your article for my blog?

Posted by: phone numbers at January 6, 2011 9:37 PM

You know why they designed this cover to only show the top half of her face? It's the only way anyone would ever look her in the eyes.

Posted by: DoctorControversy at January 7, 2011 1:16 PM