About That Time Natalie Portman Got Kanye'd in Germany By Environmentalists With a Satirical Sex Polar Bear
Please bear with me (pun not intended but happily left in) while I try to make sense of this story, which involves Natalie Portman being bum rushed by activists The Yes Men, Peng Collective and Gitz Crazyboy (with support from Pussy Riot), while trying to give an award to a movie about oil company criminals. This all happened last month at a Cinema for Peace event in Berlin, but (by my theory) was so weird that the world decided to collectively ignore it. Or maybe it’s getting attention now because the people behind the “Kanye Westing For Divesting” (I know) have now released an apology letter in which they reveal that rushing the stage as they did was only their Plan B. Plan A involved a whole theatre piece with Benny Hill-style hijinks and a satirical sex bear.
The fact is, our timing was all screwed up. During the opening speech, we were secretly planning to invade the event with an outrageous satirical pantomime. We had brought along a life-sized, realistic-looking polar bear (nobody stops a polar bear from entering a peace gala); it was going to take the stage, along with a drunken “representative” of Shell Oil and a corrupt “indigenous representative” (played by Gitz Crazyboy). Our crude drama involved bestiality, nudity, and a comic chase through the tuxedo-clad audience: a carnival every bit as absurd as an ostentatious charity event against climate change.
You can see that bear in the video below, which amazingly makes it into the venue and just barely shy of the stage. Presumably, the security budget for next year’s Cinema for Peace awards will be slightly larger.
One thing is for sure, I think. We can all agree that the absolute weirdest part of this whole thing has nothing to do with fossil fuel sex bears, and is actually that Portman’s entrance music is the Jurassic Park theme, right?
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