Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez Are Feuding Like Goddamn Millennials
You know, back in my day, musicians didn’t run their singing voices through computers (their voices just naturally sucked), and when they got into feuds, they settled it like grown-ups: By throwing punches that rarely landed backstage during MTV’s Video Music Awards. That’s how Kid Rock and Tommy Lee, and Axl Rose and Kurt Cobain handled their feuds. And sometimes, when these feuds escalated, musicians would actually exchange gunfire and kill each other, LIKE MEN.
Stupid, misguided, reckless men with death wishes.
But this new generation? They engage their feuds on social media with passive aggressive Tweets and Instagram posts that you don’t even realize are directed at each other until a teenager explains it to you.
The latest round started here:
That’s Selena Gomez looking pouty while showing off her cleaves. No big deal, right? Just Selena being Selena (whatever that might mean). But here’s MIley Cyrus’ response, which you may not realize is a direct response to Selena’s post unless you were familiar with the bad blood between the two former Disney stars, which dates back to when Miley “borrowed” Selena’s “Dog with a Blog” T-shirt and stretched out the collar (HARPY!)
“Do yiew tink if I push muah titties up I’ll get mo followahhhzzzz?” Miley wrote, and after you run it through a Millennial translation processor, you realize that Miley is making fun of Selena’s transparent attempt to exploit her body for more Instagram followers, which is the currency with which these young wenchlets measure their self-worth. The irony, of course, is rich in this one, since Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter is well known for currying favor with social media by posting pics of her cooter and using a tree as a stripper pole.
Selena “shot” back with this post:
Now, if you didn’t have the proper context for it, you may think that Selena Gomez and her friend were visiting their family practice physician and getting a check-up. But again, if you ask a teenager to translate, you realize that Selena is actually making a not-so-subtle dig at the Cyrus woman’s penchant for tongue wagging, which I assume she pick up from Michael Jordan from watching Bulls’ games back in the day.
We’re not sure how Miley Cyrus will respond to Selena’s passive aggressive slam, but if Miley wants to step up her game and bring this to its inevitable conclusion, murdering Selena’s boyfriend in her sleep is obviously the natural progression.
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