Lindsay Lohan's Glamorous Hollywood Life (of Being Used Solely to Generate Publicity for Sh*tty Direct-to-Video Fare)
By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (25)
There’s going to be a movie about the Gotti family starring John Travolta and Joe Pesci.
I preface with this because all anyone knows about that movie is the stuff to which I’m about to devote the rest of this article, so I thought I’d start on a high note, and by high note, I mean “description of a box you will see in the ‘Nearly New’ section of your local Family Video despite never recalling the film being released in the first place.”
Last week, a press conference was held to announce the production of Gotti: Three Generations. Lindsay Lohan was there, despite not actually being signed on to appear in the film.
So let’s back up from that back-up. Mere days before this press conference, the one Lindsay Lohan wasn’t actually part of because she hadn’t actually been confirmed for the movie, “sources” told all manner of low-tier news outlet that Lindsay had been “handpicked” by Victoria Gotti to portray her, going so far as to say Lohan had beaten Sienna Miller and Blake Lively for the role.
The above makes far more sense when you learn that one week after the aforementioned “source” leak, Victoria Gotti herself came forth and said it wasn’t true, that she’d never said anything of the sort.
So, here’s the thing: I hope this master class in understanding celebrity fuckery that I’ve been teaching here for almost a year has taught us all to see but one important fact—when it comes to “sources,” they’re always the celebrity in question. The source saying Victoria Gotti had handpicked Lindsay Lohan, over one actually in-demand actress and one Sienna Miller, who made the story “newsworthy” enough that people didn’t find it all that Sean Young-y for Lindsay to appear at the press conference of a movie she hadn’t actually signed on to, it was totally Lindsay. Or her mother. Probably her mother.
So, no one will be shocked when news came yesterday that Lohan had, in fact, lost the part, due to outrageous demands and negotiations.
What is surprising is this: the producer candidly talked about this, implying Lohan is a child, then cast her in a much smaller role later that same day.
It’s almost like this producer, who’s only made one movie prior, used Lindsay Lohan to generate publicity for a movie in which she was never supposed to play a huge role, publicly humiliated her for acting like the diva we all assume she probably is, then gave her a small role like it was a huge gift, adding insult to insult and solidifying the direct-to-videoness of this whole affair by informing us how Lindsay’s newly acquired role, Gotti daughter-in-law Kim, was originally to be played by Kim Kardashian.
And that, my friends, is the present career of an actress who only five years ago was considered A-list.
This Lohan-go-round shitshow is nothing new. This time last year, news spread that Lohan had been cast in the biopic of Linda Lovelace, star of Deep Throat. The Dov Charney of the photographic world, Tyler Shields, promoted Matthew Wilder’s as-yet unproduced film by taking vaguely menacing pictures of Lohan as Lovelace.
After seven months of nonstop talk about this new role and leaked (and completely fucked up and poorly written) script pages, finally, director Matthew Wilder put Lohan out of her misery and announced she’d been dropped from the flick due to “the impossibility of insuring her — and some other issues.”
That is the life of Lindsay Lohan. Directors, who will usually lie through their teeth with the sugar-coated words of an ugly Hollywood divorce to save the face of a dropped star, will just call her out for being outrageous and issue-laden. If I have to explain to you how unheard of this is, it is really fucking unheard of. That is why you always hear “Blake Lively was a consummate professional and a joy to work with, but we’ve gone another direction,” and never “Blake Lively was a diva cunt of the highest regard and we shitcanned her.” (Please note: Blake Lively was just the first person who came to mind. I have no knowledge of her cuntness, real or imagined.)
Deserved or not, of her own making or not, Lindsay Lohan’s career is really fucking sad right now, And I suppose, at that point, you take what you can get—even if what you can get is professional scapegoat for go-nowhere B-movies.
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Comments
Posted by: klingonfree at April 21, 2011 2:10 PM
I'm a parent. I am a child of gnarly-strict parents. Being a good (read: effective, proof-in-the-pudding-none-of-my-kids-end-up-in-jail,-unwed-pregnant-and-I-cried-at-their-UCSantaClara-graduation) parent weighs heavily on me every minute of my day. I'm scared shitless half the time.
This...this above-Lohan-fuckery-stuff...? This stuff is one of the reasons I am constantly scared. Not because I am anything like Dina Lohan, but because all the other parents out there are not as scared as I am and their little miscreants are out there messing up their lives and all we had to do to prevent this was be good parents who gave love and consequences.
Sorry. I had no sleep lat night. My son is in 6th grade. I hope I don't need to explain myself any further...6th grade. 6th grade is the 4th circle of hell on parents.