Lindsay Lohan, Kris Kardashian and Fake Babies: The Apocalypse Will Be Televised

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Lindsay Lohan, Kris Kardashian and Fake Babies: The Apocalypse Will Be Televised

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | July 16, 2013 | Comments ()


It is upon us. The end times of television. No, not because that meth show you guys like is ending, or because we’ve lost Donald Glover to the rap scene. The harbingers of the revelations are among us, the two horse-tranq-users of the apocalypse: Kris and Lindsay.

Both, nightmares of human beings. Both, shitshows of televised nonsense that will lead to our very undoing. And, yet, one, the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I think you know which is which.

We’ll start with TV’s answer to a rash on your inner labia, Kris Kardashian’s new talk show. She started off as ONLY a Kardashian could: by attempting to leverage her new grandchild to procure viewers, while using a FAKE BABY to do so. I mean, it was a real baby. But it wasn’t THAT baby, which is to say, North West (still totally the kid’s name, guys). The above photo was posted to both her show’s and her personal Facebook pages with the text “You never know who will stop by our show today!” The grammatically befuddling (I don’t think it’s wrong but it feels wrong) caption, plus the little-seen, dark-haired baby was, of course, designed to make potential viewers think they’d be getting the first-ever glimpse of The Illuminati’s Chosen One.

Alas, it’s just a stylist’s baby. A COMMON RAGAMUFFIN, GUH-ROSS. But the idiots tuned in to check it out anyway. Maybe. I don’t know. I went to YouTube to see how many views she got and got distracted by this search result:

Okay, I’m back. The full episode available on YouTube received over 65,000 views. That’s not huge, but it’s a lot of dumb people. Dumb people are dumb. I hope they trip over their dumb people shoes.

In other news, you’ve probably heard that Oprah made the kind of deal-with-the-devil that only someone truly desperate for ratings could make: a deal with this devil. Yes, following an EXCLUSIVE interview with Lindsay Lohan the literal instant she gets out of rehab and Dina has a chance to slap some Adderall in her hand and some lipgloss on her face. Then, AND THEN!, Oprah is sweetening the pot by giving her an eight-episode “docu-series” which is fancy Oprah talk for reality show.

And Oprah will be paying her TWO MILLION DOLLARS for the privilege. Two million dollars. That’s a lot of rose quartz and sea jasper.

Oh, and if you think I’m not liveblogging the shitting shit out of that, it’s like you don’t even know me.

Of course, I’ll stop the second it seems like maybe, just maybe, Lindsay is actually an unwell addict and not a total asshole of an entitled twatmonster. But I don’t see that happening.

Oh, Oprah. You’re taking the bad path to badness town. And I’m so, so happy to be along for the ride. Thanks, Harpo.

About the Time Bryan Cranston Called the Police to Prevent Himself From Murdering His Girlfriend | 5 Shows After Dark 7/16/13

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • kirbyjay

    Golden shower whore
    Bad rapper with God complex
    Poor little North West

  • DominaNefret

    I still think that North West, while albeit silly, is one of the less absurdly ridiculous celebrity baby names we've heard. It's kind of cute. In a saccharine silly way.

  • delle

    Personally Courtney, I was really disappointed that you didn't liveblog Sharknado!

  • TK

    That video is nothing but horror and sadness and misery.

    And fuckin' OJ.

    Mother of god.

  • stella

    I really wish kris jenner would stop doing things that make me feel bad for kim kardashion.

  • BigBlueKY

    It's a sad day in television when an inner labia rash is more appealing than watching these clowns.

  • PDamian

    Inner labia rash can be treated with a topical cream. There is no cure for kardashianitis. It boils, festers, crusts over, boils and festers again, then suppurates until the patient claws the eyes out and sticks an awl into the ears, insuring he or she will never be exposed to infection again.

  • Maguita NYC

    3.5 million Americans are infected every week. Intentionally.

  • BuffyloGal

    Still can't decide who is more irrelevant, Lilo or Oprah.

  • BuffyloGal

    The grammar is wrong so it's okay to feel it is so. Will expresses future with intent, but it also can mean without much planning. The phone rings - "I'll get it", not "I'm going to get it" because it is a spontaneous event. Not knowing who is going to be on your show that day is just piss-poor planning.

  • Bryan

    The one silver lining with the Kris thing is that she could only play that card once. No way she'll be able to get the viewers back who bolted after realizing they got suckered.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    I saw for the first time today that Kris Jenner had her own talk show. Were there no better options, like maybe a pie that only speaks in haiku?

  • emmalita

    This has been the best collection of Kardashian/Jenner/pie related haiku ever created in the entire Universe and beyond.

  • foolsage

    For haiku are rare in life
    As a perfect pie

  • melissa82

    I may be called Pie
    But you will find to be true
    The other option sucked.

    (Oops, that's 5-7-6, I never was much of a poet... Also I loathe Kris Jenner)

  • e jerry powell

    "Other options sucked."


  • firedmyass

    Oops, 5-7-6
    I never was a poet
    I loathe Kris Jenner

  • e jerry powell

    Lemonade from lemons, baby!

  • foolsage

    The Kardashians
    Seek attention above all
    Best to ignore them

  • PDamian

    Attention whore mugs
    for the camera so frantic
    Change the channel quick

  • A horrible twat-pie named Lindsey
    Couldn't wait to get free from ol' Disney....
    ....wait...that's not a haiku....
    This twat nozzle chick
    Is only fit for B-grade
    Or lower reruns

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Busy with a parody
    Reboot of Battlestar; long
    live the Pielon menace.

  • Today on Pie's show
    Learn to make tasty paella
    It will be so fun

  • Mrs. Julien

    Never bet against a comeback, or a Pajiba haiku throwdown!

  • foolsage

    A haiku throwdown;
    Rejected Olympic sport
    Or a comment war?

  • Danar the Barbarian

    Berries are seedy
    Peaches and plums are the pits
    Tune in for pie porn!

  • foolsage

    What is porn to some
    Is merely pie to others
    Truth rests in the taste

  • NateMan

    Peach or nectarine,
    There's a lot of pie in porn
    Goddamn I love it

  • foolsage

    Pi is everywhere
    In the gentle arcs and curves
    Of flesh and pastry

  • foolsage

    Fillings are secrets
    Don't judge a pie by its crust
    Instead just dig in

  • NateMan

    Kardashian speaks
    But her family forgets
    No one gives a shit

  • foolsage

    Fame can come from skill,
    Compassion, or achievement
    Or just a sex tape

  • NateMan

    I once made a sex tape
    Two people grinding a lot
    Where's my damn money?

  • foolsage

    To whore yourself out
    You need more than willingness
    You need a buyer


  • NateMan

    I would watch the SHIT out of that.

  • NateMan

    "Of course, I’ll stop the second it seems like maybe, just maybe, Lindsay is actually an unwell addict and not a total asshole of an entitled twatmonster."

    It's entirely possible - and indeed likely - that's she's both. Just because she really does have a problem doesn't mean she isn't also a terrible person. Though I'm not sure giving her 2 million dollars is going to help either situation.

  • Ever since UCLA medical center discharged her because nothing was wrong with her, I've felt pretty okay with my dismissal of any perceived problem she has other than just being a dick.

  • e jerry powell

    A dick and an entitled twatmonster. Sounds like the makings of something that will eventually destroy Tokyo.

  • SottoVoce


  • NateMan

    Well, I think she probably really does have some serious problems. She's just a terrible enough person that I don't care.

  • e jerry powell

    It's a fair cop, but society's to blame...

  • Genevieve Burgess

    It has to be killing Kris Jenner that Kanye's put his foot down on having his daughter on the various and sundry Kardashian shows. KILLING HER. God, I wish I could be a fly on the wall of her office when she has her daily meltdown about it. The woman has five daughters she's kitted up in heels and short skirts the minute they were over 15 and she just can't stand it that she won't get to pimp out her grandbaby too.

  • e jerry powell

    But you know she'll try, even if she has to resort to dramatic re-enactments.

  • Classic

    I 100 percent knew that was not North West (that name is just awful) since no way was Kanye letting the devil (AKA Kris Jenner) have his child on t.v.

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