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Life's Hard When You're John Mayer: A Pajiba Pep Talk

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | June 7, 2012 | Comments ()


john-mayer-taylor-swift-2009-12-12-3-10-17.jpg

Come on, you guys. We have to rally for a cause. The mean little sparkle princess is picking on Johnny Mayer.

So, for the uninitiated, John Mayer and Taylor Swift "dated" when she was 19. I say "dated" because when a seemingly innocent (cloyingly so) teenager and a John Mayer-y John Mayer hook up, it's not so much with the romantic dinners and hand-holding by a fountain, like she dream journals in her sparkly Hello Kitty notebook, but a great deal of quick missionary position sexing that leaves her spellbound by its beauty, because she's 19 and doesn't know better. You know. The love story we all dream of.

Naturally, it ended. And, because she was 19 and the Taylor Swiftiest, it ended with a song.

I present to you, in full, the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Dear John." Please read in the voice of Sir John Gielgud.

Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won't fall through, again
My mother accused me of losing my mind

But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin' which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight
Well I stopped pickin' up and this song is to let you know why

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home, I should've known.

Well maybe it's me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it's you and your sick need
To give love and take it away

And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said

'Run as fast as you can'

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home

Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
Don't you think nineteen's too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so, I should've known.

You are an expert at sorry
And keeping the lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you run dry have tired lifeless eyes
Cause you burned them out

But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don't look now
I'm shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home

I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Wrote you a song, you should've known.

You should've known
Don't you think I was too young
You should've known.

But, you see, Swifty, he couldn't have known. He's just John Mayer. His stupid mouth gets him in trouble, haven't you heard? It's so delightfully endearing, too. I mean, here are just a few scattered gems from the John Mayer soundbite collection:

"I will fuck you in the mouth to shut you up. You are not wilder than me."

"[Jessica Simpson] was like crack cocaine to me. Sexually, it was crazy...It was like napalm, sexual napalm."

"My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock."

"I can insert a tampon."

Mmmm. All this and he's single? Draw up the paperwork, lawyer gents. I've got a divorce to go through and a dough-faced Johnny Depp dressalike to nail.

But, then, just days ago, our sweet, simple songsmith had his tiny heart broken by a nasty mean girl. The meanest. I mean, this one's a real dick.

According to his Rolling Stone interview, John Mayer says that he was "really humiliated" by Taylor Swift's song "Dear John," which the country-pop star allegedly wrote about him. "It made me feel terrible," Mayer says in the new issue of Rolling Stone, on newsstands Friday. "Because I didn't deserve it. I'm pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that. It was a really lousy thing for her to do."

Aw, bunny. Sadface. :(

"I never got an e-mail. I never got a phone call," he says. "I was really caught off-guard, and it really humiliated me at a time when I'd already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you've ever been, someone kicked you even lower?" When asked about the song's line, "Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?" Mayer says, "I don't want to go into that."

Mayer also takes issue with "Dear John" as a musician. "I will say as a songwriter that I think it's kind of cheap songwriting," he says. "I know she's the biggest thing in the world, and I'm not trying to sink anybody's ship, but I think it's abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, 'Wait till he gets a load of this!' That's bullshit."

What a heartless monster that Swift girl is, she of golden locks and glitter guitars, just like Jezebel before her. Only a true nightmare of a human being would write songs about other people. A true snizz of the highest degree.

So, buck up, sugarplum. You of pure heart, sweet soul and revoked "hood pass", you'll surely find a kinder, gentler lady, more deserving of your gentle sensibilities. And probably very white, due to that dick disease you have. Aw. I bet they make a cream for that. *head pat* There, there.







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • FourEyespartdeux

    I was aiming for John Gielgud but kept getting John Cleese. Still sounded sublimely hilarious!

  • Turd Ferguson

    Grand Master Douche -- 19 yr old Sparkle Princess who's likely cutting while saying his name
    Just trying to decide which annoys me more.

  • comma

    This is becoming so routine with her that I wonder if she'll eventually work through every guy on the planet and break up with them all just to have more material. Remind me to disconnect my phone.

    And I even sorta like her, for some reason.

  • nosio

    I kind of love that this song - the guitar work and the male back up vocals - sounds way more like a John Mayer song than a Swifty song. Like, as if to ensure that there would be no confusion as to whom she was singing about. 

  • F'mal DeHyde

    What's a professional virgin doing having sex with John Mayer in the first place?  That's one a them oxymoron thingiebobs, ain't it.

  • comma

    I'm reading it as a Dear John letter to John Houseman as he's reading it, out loud, eyebrow cocked and sneer barely concealed.

    Y'all try it, it's glorious.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I first read that as John Hodgeman. Also a win.

  • alwaysanswerb

    I hate both of them (in that special Internet way.) He's a douche and needs to get over himself, and she is still playing that innocent little taken-advantage-of princess card as if she's not millionaire Taylor fuckin' Swift with a list that is not too short now of famous exes. Please. They can both crawl into a corner and cry themselves to death with their disingenuous-ness.

  • Ziver

    I still think he's only bitching about this because he knows it will dredge up interest in him. Didn't he just release some stupid album (if that's what you kids call it these days, and jesus christ, get off my lawn!)

  • TWoP Fan

    She says I "I should have known" in her songs a lot. Taylor, honey, yeah, you really should have known. You could have figured it out watching a handful of teen comedies.

  • Jill

    If only Ms. Swift had been a bit more experienced in the sexin' dept. Perhaps she could have done us all a service and fucked the ugle douche face off of him. Instead we are now left with the holy-shit-stains! look he is currently sporting. Yes, she is fully to blame.
    And I am certain her current fairy-nymph bangs are completely his fault as well.
    But what about their music you may ask? Who gives a shit. They both suck so it might as well be each other. But for the life of me I just cannot imagine these two gettin it on.

  • Fredo

    Can I guess that:

    - she speaks/breathes the first few lines.
    - it picks up halfway though
    - somewhere near the end, she'll drop the music and talk to "Dear John" directly.

  • MrB

    What a big baby. And, judging by the other comments he's said to have made, a total idiot.Honestly, the little respect I had for him as a musician is now washed away by his complete failure as a human being.

  • dsoup

    Early in his career he was a seemingly shy fellow that hunched to hide in the crowd. This was before the fame monster and the copious beauty booty befell him. He would wander around in wonder backstage at the Grammys just trying to blend and not get in the way of the other artists. As the years went by he lost his wonder and gained a swagger. He would walk tall and command a room.
    Glad he took a break from the hollywood and don't mind he admits Swifty's song bothered him, cause he is an ass but not that kind of ass.

  • BiblioGlow

    I just heard that horrible 'Fathers be good to your daughters' song while shopping, so I was already reminded to hate John Mayer today.

  • Skyler Durden

    You know what's really fucked up? I don't care for his music, I'm unmoved by his appearance, and I'm pretty sure that if I met him, I wouldn't care for his personality.

    Nonetheless, I find his swagger panty-droppingly hot. He's got CRAZY game, and despite the fact that he's a total pig, I get more turned on with every nasty conquest he brags about.

  • I will never, ever tire of Courtney using the word 'snizz'. 

  • I can't believe I once found this guy attractive. College MelBiv was SO naive.

  • AngelenoEwok

    He did cultivate a somewhat less repellant persona, way back in the early 2000's.   We were all more innocent back then...

  • Pookie

    Let me clue you broads in on something, once a guy gets the pussy, in his eyes it really doesn't matter what she thinks of him. Mayer was probably upset that Swift couldn't keep her mouth shut about the relationship ending.

  • Harborwolf

    Maybe John Mayer should date Adele. Then the post break-up song dedicated to him would be downright awesome and possibly one of the greatest songs ever. 

  • BWeaves

    You're so vain
    You probably think this song is about you . . .

  • AngelenoEwok

    I could slap the 2001 version of me for buying Room For Squares.   HE JUST SEEMED SO INNOCUOUS BACK THEN. 

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Don't worry, I think we all fell for that one.

    Or at least I did. And you. That's probably a solid statistical sample, right?

  • The fact that HE'S admitted to writing songs about exes, makes the whole thing all the more ridiculous.  When you date songwriters, there's always the chance they may write a song about you... it's part and parcel of who they are.  I guess he'll just have to stick to bedding actresses and models.  Poor boy. 

  • dahlia6

    I'd like to see Johnny Depp stuff that shitty knock-off fedora in his mouth and choke him to death with a scarf. What? I'm dieting. I already told you I was bitchy today.

  • dizzylucy

    So THAT's what it took to finally humiliate him?  I guess he was just testing himself with all the stupid crap he's said and done over the past few years.

  • Anne

    Humiliated? Maybe he should call Jessica Simpson and ask her how to cope?

  • John

    THANK YOU!!!

    Isn't he embarrased to say/admit this? You, a 30 something? man, got dressed down by a 20 year old girl in a song and instead of shrugging it off or saying you deserve it, say she hurt your feelings? Bwahahahaha.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    Ah, the sweet nectar of hypocrisy.  If I were to reduce this to a matchemtical formula:

    [John  (Your body is a wonderland + JLoHew) (Shadow days + Jennifer Anniston) Mayer  + racist penis] / [Taylor (Sparkle Guitar) Swift + Dear John = John Mayer TEARS

    Yeah, ok, I'm not really good at math, it's just that his douchery is such that I have an almost irrepressible urge to slap him in a dramatic, old world fashion - possibly with gloves in my hand. 

  • googergieger

     I know it has been said countless times before. But seriously music nowadays effin sucks.

  • Anne At Large

    Oh honey. Go look up Jack White. There are 10 godawful pop stars for every good one in every generation, not just this one. 

    And yes, I will get off your lawn now.

  • googergieger

    Yeah, I'll be sure to do that right after I look up this Beatles every one is talking about. You crazy indie underground artist name dropper you. Yeah I like a lot new artists, literal Linda. Grandaddy is my favorite band for instance. Though to be fair they broke up a few years ago. Still love me some Jason Lytle though.

  • ccmontgom

    LOL... really... dropping Jack White's name is dropping a "crazy indie underground artist name?"  Damn... I'm hipper than I thought.^^

  • googergieger

    I didn't think I could pour on the sarcasm in that post anymore than I did. Kudos for proving me wrong sir.

  • Anne At Large

    Fair enough, I just get sad when people go overboard about the state of music these days. Not saying this pair isn't godawful though.

  • bleujayone

    " I present to you, in full, the lyrics to Taylor Swift’s “Dear John.” Please read in the voice of Sir John Gielgud."

    -Nonsense. I prefer to do in the bellowing voice of utterly mad Shakespearean Brian Blessed!  For two reasons; firstly because EVERYTHING sounds fucking awesome in his voice and secondly because if Mayer was so hurt after hearing this song in Swift's chirpy voice, then if had originally heard that song in Blessed's voice he'd have retreated to the closest corner, crumpled into a fetal position and wet & shat himself while sucking his thumb in shame. That is the awesome power of the Blessed.

  • Fredo

    Dear John.....DIVE!!!

  • ProfessorMamet

    Thanks for that. I read it first in the voice of Elisabeth from the View. I went back armed with the voice of Brian Blessed and it was so much better because of what it would do to its target, but also because the lyrics are so teen-girl-diary.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    I tried  Gielgud, but it just came out as Orsen Wells... this always happens to me. Unless it is a David Bowie song... then it comes out as Marlene Dietrich.

    "Schpiders from MAAARZZZ"

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    So John Mayer and his dick are kind of a like a Bizarro Strom Thurmond? 

  • Devin McMusters

    "Mean" is about Johnny Douche also.  And vicious.

  • Badge

    Mean is actually a out the music critic that slammed her after the Grammys...please do not ask why I know so much about Ol' Swifty.

  • Devin McMusters

    Nope, I asked her at a meet and greet about it.  The part about the physical abuse gives it away.

  • Jezzer

    WHY DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT OL' SWIFTY?  OUT WITH IT!

  • AnaNimmus

    Shouldn't "All the girls that you run dry have tired lifeless eyes" be "wrung dry"? Everybody seems to agree with "run" but it seems ungrammatical here. 

  • Bert

    It's like an engine.  It runs dry when it runs out of gas.

  • superasente

     It's gross either way.

  • John

    Wouldn't it be like run ragged?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I prefer to imagine it in the voice of Ian McKellan.

    Duck-Tales. Woo hoo.

  • Kari

    I heart you, Courtney! Never leave!

    That and...yeah. Mayer is a cockface. This is what happens when you bang a 19 year old who is partially FAMOUS FOR WRITING SONGS ABOUT EXES, you shrieking bag of monkeyshit.

  •  "Shrieking bag of monkey shit" is now my new favorite phrase EVAR.

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