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Life's Hard When You're John Mayer: A Pajiba Pep Talk

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | June 7, 2012 | Comments ()


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Come on, you guys. We have to rally for a cause. The mean little sparkle princess is picking on Johnny Mayer.

So, for the uninitiated, John Mayer and Taylor Swift "dated" when she was 19. I say "dated" because when a seemingly innocent (cloyingly so) teenager and a John Mayer-y John Mayer hook up, it's not so much with the romantic dinners and hand-holding by a fountain, like she dream journals in her sparkly Hello Kitty notebook, but a great deal of quick missionary position sexing that leaves her spellbound by its beauty, because she's 19 and doesn't know better. You know. The love story we all dream of.

Naturally, it ended. And, because she was 19 and the Taylor Swiftiest, it ended with a song.

I present to you, in full, the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Dear John." Please read in the voice of Sir John Gielgud.

Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won't fall through, again
My mother accused me of losing my mind

But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin' which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight
Well I stopped pickin' up and this song is to let you know why

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home, I should've known.

Well maybe it's me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it's you and your sick need
To give love and take it away

And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said

'Run as fast as you can'

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home

Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
Don't you think nineteen's too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so, I should've known.

You are an expert at sorry
And keeping the lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you run dry have tired lifeless eyes
Cause you burned them out

But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don't look now
I'm shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home

I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Wrote you a song, you should've known.

You should've known
Don't you think I was too young
You should've known.

But, you see, Swifty, he couldn't have known. He's just John Mayer. His stupid mouth gets him in trouble, haven't you heard? It's so delightfully endearing, too. I mean, here are just a few scattered gems from the John Mayer soundbite collection:

"I will fuck you in the mouth to shut you up. You are not wilder than me."

"[Jessica Simpson] was like crack cocaine to me. Sexually, it was crazy...It was like napalm, sexual napalm."

"My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock."

"I can insert a tampon."

Mmmm. All this and he's single? Draw up the paperwork, lawyer gents. I've got a divorce to go through and a dough-faced Johnny Depp dressalike to nail.

But, then, just days ago, our sweet, simple songsmith had his tiny heart broken by a nasty mean girl. The meanest. I mean, this one's a real dick.

According to his Rolling Stone interview, John Mayer says that he was "really humiliated" by Taylor Swift's song "Dear John," which the country-pop star allegedly wrote about him. "It made me feel terrible," Mayer says in the new issue of Rolling Stone, on newsstands Friday. "Because I didn't deserve it. I'm pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that. It was a really lousy thing for her to do."

Aw, bunny. Sadface. :(

"I never got an e-mail. I never got a phone call," he says. "I was really caught off-guard, and it really humiliated me at a time when I'd already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you've ever been, someone kicked you even lower?" When asked about the song's line, "Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?" Mayer says, "I don't want to go into that."

Mayer also takes issue with "Dear John" as a musician. "I will say as a songwriter that I think it's kind of cheap songwriting," he says. "I know she's the biggest thing in the world, and I'm not trying to sink anybody's ship, but I think it's abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, 'Wait till he gets a load of this!' That's bullshit."

What a heartless monster that Swift girl is, she of golden locks and glitter guitars, just like Jezebel before her. Only a true nightmare of a human being would write songs about other people. A true snizz of the highest degree.

So, buck up, sugarplum. You of pure heart, sweet soul and revoked "hood pass", you'll surely find a kinder, gentler lady, more deserving of your gentle sensibilities. And probably very white, due to that dick disease you have. Aw. I bet they make a cream for that. *head pat* There, there.

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