Let's Speculate Wildly About Whatever the F**k Donald Trump is Going On About Now
Presumably, it's something related to Obama's birth certificate or some other such conspiracy theory bullshit (complete with a plug for the upcoming season of "The Apprentice: All Stars!"). But that's no fun. Let's talk about what else it could possibly be.
Tomorrow, Wednesday, October 24, Donald Trump will announce:
- Barack Obama was actually born in one of Donald Trump's split ends.
- Barack Obama personally fired Chris Meloni from "Law & Order: SVU."
- Barack Obama canceled "Freaks & Geeks" and told Fox, "you know, that 'Arrested Development' show just isn't very relatable."
- Barack Obama fucking loves "Family Guy."
- Barack Obama's favorite director is Michael Bay, and Obama spent six weeks on the set of The Rock as a stand-in for Tony Todd when he needed to leave and appear in the mirror of some girls who watched Candyman at a sleepover.
- Barack Obama hates ice cream. And freedom.
- Barack Obama once had something to say and didn't hold a press conference about it, that Socialist son of a bitch.
- Barack Obama clips his nails at his cubicle to the utter irritation of Lauren in Accounts Payable.
- Barack Obama only hands out Brach's candies at Halloween.
- Barack Obama personally turned down Jay-Z and Beyonce's request to trademark their daughter's name.
- Barack Obama simply refuses to comb his hair into a tangled web of murder and mystery like the true holy one, Mr. Donald Trump.
- Did I mention there's going to be a new season of "The Apprentice"? There's going to be a new season of "The Apprentice."
- Barack Obama is a cat person.
- Barack Obama's favorite Pixar movie is Cars.
- Donald Trump killed my father. "No," said Trump. "I am your father."
- Barack Obama was responsible for the oil-based murder of Becky the Duck, class pet of Zack Morris and the teens of Bayside High.
- Barack Obama is a total Samantha.
- Barack Obama is not, in fact, ready for this jelly.
- Barack Obama thinks the fifth season of "News Radio" is its strongest.
- Barack Obama gave Lindsay Lohan her first bump of coke and told her that the biggest problem with her face is that it was too youthful and vibrant.
- Barack Obama introduced Tom and Katie.
- Barack Obama never changes the toilet paper roll.
- Mitt Romney only shits cupcake frosting, so he doesn't ever need to switch the toilet paper roll, and you're a gotcha journalist for even posing the question, you fuck.
- "The Apprentice." It's coming back. Get the fuck right ready, bitches. Remember Omarosa? She was a person and everything.
Now, of course the most newsworthy thing about any of this is that there are some people--albeit, only a handful (but they exist--I've seen them on the Facebooks)--who still actually take Donald Trump seriously even though he's a hideous gasbag of a human being and a worse business leader than Simba's Uncle Scar. But I look forward to this fount of epic idiocy. Because what would this great country be without truly crazy motherfuckers with the ability to speak in major public forums. USA! USA!