Let's Speculate Wildly About Whatever the F**k Donald Trump is Going On About Now

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Let's Speculate Wildly About Whatever the F**k Donald Trump is Going On About Now

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | October 23, 2012 | Comments ()


I don't know if you've heard, because some of you goodly, innocent fools try to protect yourselves from ridiculous nonsense as though I *won't* storm in and ruin everything for you, but Donald Trump has something to say.

Presumably, it's something related to Obama's birth certificate or some other such conspiracy theory bullshit (complete with a plug for the upcoming season of "The Apprentice: All Stars!"). But that's no fun. Let's talk about what else it could possibly be.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, October 24, Donald Trump will announce:

  • Barack Obama was actually born in one of Donald Trump's split ends.
  • Barack Obama personally fired Chris Meloni from "Law & Order: SVU."
  • Barack Obama canceled "Freaks & Geeks" and told Fox, "you know, that 'Arrested Development' show just isn't very relatable."
  • Barack Obama fucking loves "Family Guy."
  • Barack Obama's favorite director is Michael Bay, and Obama spent six weeks on the set of The Rock as a stand-in for Tony Todd when he needed to leave and appear in the mirror of some girls who watched Candyman at a sleepover.
  • Barack Obama hates ice cream. And freedom.
  • Barack Obama once had something to say and didn't hold a press conference about it, that Socialist son of a bitch.
  • Barack Obama clips his nails at his cubicle to the utter irritation of Lauren in Accounts Payable.
  • Barack Obama only hands out Brach's candies at Halloween.
  • Barack Obama personally turned down Jay-Z and Beyonce's request to trademark their daughter's name.
  • Barack Obama simply refuses to comb his hair into a tangled web of murder and mystery like the true holy one, Mr. Donald Trump.
  • Did I mention there's going to be a new season of "The Apprentice"? There's going to be a new season of "The Apprentice."
  • Barack Obama is a cat person.
  • Barack Obama's favorite Pixar movie is Cars.
  • Donald Trump killed my father. "No," said Trump. "I am your father."
  • Barack Obama was responsible for the oil-based murder of Becky the Duck, class pet of Zack Morris and the teens of Bayside High.
  • Barack Obama is a total Samantha.
  • Barack Obama is not, in fact, ready for this jelly.
  • Barack Obama thinks the fifth season of "News Radio" is its strongest.
  • Barack Obama gave Lindsay Lohan her first bump of coke and told her that the biggest problem with her face is that it was too youthful and vibrant.
  • Barack Obama introduced Tom and Katie.
  • Barack Obama never changes the toilet paper roll.
  • Mitt Romney only shits cupcake frosting, so he doesn't ever need to switch the toilet paper roll, and you're a gotcha journalist for even posing the question, you fuck.
  • "The Apprentice." It's coming back. Get the fuck right ready, bitches. Remember Omarosa? She was a person and everything.

Now, of course the most newsworthy thing about any of this is that there are some people--albeit, only a handful (but they exist--I've seen them on the Facebooks)--who still actually take Donald Trump seriously even though he's a hideous gasbag of a human being and a worse business leader than Simba's Uncle Scar. But I look forward to this fount of epic idiocy. Because what would this great country be without truly crazy motherfuckers with the ability to speak in major public forums. USA! USA!

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • no one

    I think you guys pay more attention to Trump than any of us on the right.
    Out of curiosity, where is the similar silly post for Gloria Allred?

  • Maguita NYC

    You want us to start speculating what Mitt Romney is hiding with his family court sealed testimony?

    Because Allred is representing someone in connection with said case... And that person is demanding to air the dirty laundry.

  • Groundloop

    I think the big reveal will be that the reason Donald Trump looks like he hasn't taken a decent shit in over 5 years, is because he hasn't taken a decent shit in over 5 years.

  • David Sorenson

    Trump's Shocking Bombshell: Barack Obama is black.

  • karen

    Barack Obama makes
    fire hot

    Barack Obama makes rainbows bright

    Barack Obama writes the songs that make the whole
    world sing

    Barack Obama's the beef

    Barack Obama knows the muffin man

    Barack Obama wants fries with that

    Barack Obama can walk this way

    Barack Obama is the wind beneath your wings

    Barack Obama is Windows 7

    Barack Obama puts the He in He Man

    Barack Obama runs with wolves

    Barack Obama is the walrus Goo goo g' joob

    Barack Obama has spurs that jingle jangle jingle

    Barack Obama will...Barack Obama will...Rock YOU

    Barack Obama makes the ocean wave wave

    Barack Obama put the bop in the bop do wap

    Barack Obama likes big butts and he cannot lie

    Barack Obama IS the next American Idol

    Barack Obama rocked the boat - he tipped the boat

  • Evil! Pure and simple, from the 8th Dimension!

  • PDamian

    Given the content of Trump's non-Obama related tweets, I'm guessing that the big reveal will be that Pres. Obama did something foul in a Mini Cooper with Kristen Stewart, and Robert Pattinson needs to dump her and fly to NYC so he can weep copious hot tears on Donald's starched shirtfront, followed by which the two of them stay up all night snacking on Hot Flaming Cheetos and Takis, braiding each other's hair, and writing about Stewart and Omarosa in their burn books.

  • Mrcreosote

    From tomorrow's Trump presser:
    "Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

  • dizzylucy

    If he says "Choose Your Destructor!" and a giant Newt Gingrich starts stomping down the street, I'm outta here.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Paternity Test. Honey Boo Boo.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Barack Obama punts on third and 2.
    Barack Obama prefers Hydrox.
    Barack Obama wears white after Labour Day.
    Barack Obama doesn't allow gimmes when golfing.
    Barack Obama is a Coldplay fan.
    Barack Obama can't drive stick.
    Barack Obama knew it was Fredo and didn't say anything.

  • mswas

    Barack Obama put the 'u' in Labour Day

  • Archie Leach

    I'm not even a Brit and it still looks like the proper spelling!

  • dizzylucy

    Sorry, if you can't manage to make your hair not look like a radioactive cinnamon bun, I can't take you seriously.

    Wonder if this will be like when his "team of investigators" were finding "amazing things" in Hawaii. Except...not.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Radioactive Cinnamon Bun: Racehorse or Band Name?

  • Groundloop

    Well, it was going to my next bands name, but it's ruined now!

    Trump fucks up everything!

  • Bert_McGurt

    I have no doubt they found lots of "amazing things" in Hawaii. Said things were probably clad only in a bikini, but still...

  • Archie Leach

    The ONLY thing donald trump cares about is donald trump.

    If you haven't done so, go and check out the earlier story about the "Central Park Five". I'm old enough to remember when trump inserted his important self into the raging incident to portray himself as an advocate seeking the death penalty for the (black and latino teen male) "animals" that raped and viciously a Central Park jogger. If trump had succeeded it sure would have made it a lot better for New York City as then the 5 dead black and latino teens would've been long forgotten rather being exonerated and New York City wouldn't be facing a massive lawsuit for wrongful conviction. I'm sure the self-important trump has plenty to say about his advocacy for the death penalty of "these five (black and latino) animals".

  • $27019454

    But...but...DID Obama cancel Freaks and Geeks? Because that's a deal-breaker right there.

  • Wembley

    You forgot 'Barack Obama launched the telephone pole that killed Wash.'

  • zeke_the_pig

    Since one of Obama's most ardent support bases has always been the Internet, political attack dogs have always wondered: how best to undermine the love he gets from that particular demographic. You, sir, have just discovered the rumour equivalent of Kryptonite.

  • rio

    would it be ok if I liked this comment until the end of times? Obama also ate Fred' soul

  • Nathaniel Blaine

    You sir, win the internet.

  • Snath

    Barack Obama faked the moon landing.
    Barack Obama kicks Girl Scouts in the face so he can steal their Samoas.
    Barack Obama does a little dance, makes a little love, gets down tonight.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I would kick Barack Obama in the face for Samoas.

    (is it a federal offense to type that?)

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Yes. The only thing worth kicking Obama in the face for are Tagalongs.

  • Snath

    No. Coconut > Peanut Butter. IT'S SCIENCE.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Look, I don't want to do it, but I'm downvoting you. Coconut is weird and gritty, and while the flavor's nice when you get past it, it's still not as good as peanut butter, which is smooth and wonderful.

    It's not about you personally, it's just about how terribly, criminally wrong you are. Hugs?

  • ,

    Thin Mints, muvafuckas ...

    One, two, three ... does that officially make us a conspiracy?

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I think even two could make us a conspiracy. But as we can't agree on an actual plan of action for what should cause us to kick Obama in the face, I don't think we can be nailed on anything.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Look, I might MIGHT agree with you on the Tagalogs if the peanut butter in them was actually edible. But it's not. Whereas the caramel of the Samoa covers the fake chocolatey type thing they use on Girl Scout cookies, rendering it a high-caloric fantasia in my mouth. So delicious, that I freeze them to slow down the eating of them, because there are only 15 in a box, and yet I eat them frozen anyway and nearly break my teeth.

  • Nadine

    Wait, last time Donald got involved, Osama Bin Laden was found and killed.

    This could be interesting

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Hey! Omarosa is grieving. Leave her be

    (still can't believe they were a couple)

    These are my favorite - love it!
    Barack Obama clips his nails at his cubicle to the utter irritation of Lauren in Accounts Payable.Barack Obama only hands out Brach’s candies at Halloween.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Right there with you. We are all Lauren in Accounts Payable, now.

  • TK

    Well, thank god we have FOX News to provide an outlet for Trump's marvelous brand of ignorant, intellectually and morally bankrupt bullshit. They really are made for each other.

  • googergieger

    Well he is a dye job blonde with big tits.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Apparently Donald Trump does not like this genius characterisation of him and he will try to DOWNVOTE IT TO OBLIVION

  • Jezzer

    That? Was fucking hilarious.

  • googergieger

    He is going to support Obama in an effort to use the hatred of him to help Romney.

  • BierceAmbrose

    But I look forward to this fount of epic idiocy. Because what would
    this great country be without truly crazy motherfuckers with the ability
    to speak in major public forums. USA! USA!

    And Godtopus bless us, every one.

  • TheOtherOne

    $@#! TRUMP. So sick of this bullshit.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I'm pretty sure that he's revealing that Barak Obama is responsible for Donald Trump being Donald Trump and that Trump is being controlled by Kenyan telepathy usually reserved for Lions and rabid meerkats.

  • VonnegutSlut

    I honestly think the smart money's on Trump "revealing" some wackadoodle bullshit regarding Obama's college records. Anybody wanna lay odds?

  • Maguita NYC

    Larry Flynt needs to get on this!!

    Remember when Larry Flynt promised 1 Million Dollars to whomever offers proof that they had sexual relations with Rick Perry? Oddly, Rick Perry started looking high and very giggly during debates right after that, and thankfully soon after, dropped out of the race.


    Larry Flynt needs to make an offer many a lingerie runway model could not refuse, and air all of the Trump's combover dirtiest laundry!

    How's that for a religious smack-down of an Eye for an Eye.

  • BierceAmbrose

    This is Trump-ta!. College records aren't reality-TV enough. Absent a smoking gun effectively proving fraud say preferential admissions or grade manipulation, a crappy transcript is just noise. I'm guessing...

    - Financial details & ownership records from projects undertaken in Chicago, pre-Senate seat. Trump is in real estate, and those folks are tight. If it's this, it'll be too complicated to follow, and nobody will care - It's Chicago, what did you expect?

    - Direct evidence of collusion & kickbacks, tying policy preferences during the administration to the reelection money tree. Their operations have been amateurish enough that they might have left evidence.

    - In my coal black little heart of hearts I hope it's that appearance / speech / interview tape / transcript from out in CA. Whatever actually happened, the whackadooddles already believe far worse, and the supporters will brush it off. BUT, making some hack media look like hacks always brightens my day.

  • Definitely. I'm thinking he got some kind of grant for having a parent from a foreign country but Trump will twist it.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Yeah, that's possible.

    I'm trying to think of stuff Trump would be able or willing to get, that others would not. I mean besides his secret source of head-ferrets.

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