That Woman from that 'Laguna Beach' Show Is Actually Trying to Kill Your Children

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | March 23, 2016 | Comments ()

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | March 23, 2016 |


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Do not listen to C-list celebrities when it comes to the health of your children. This should go without saying. It clearly does not.

Babies are tiny creatures one gestates for nine months and is then responsible for loving, snuggling, and keeping generally alive. And, yet, while programmed to love and adore these small beings and, as I said, keep them alive, some parents are exceptionally willing to listen to the kinds of celebrities most of us would not even entrust with picking up our mail while on vacation.

Kristin Cavallari is a former teenage reality show villain. Now she’s the new voice of the anti-vaxx movement, saying things like, “I’m just a mom. I’m trying to make the best decision for my kid. There are very scary statistics out there regarding what is in vaccines.”

Nope. No there are not. And now she is literally trying to poison her and your children with goat’s milk.

People Magazine, headquartered within the rectum of every remotely famous person, decided to print Cavallari’s baby formula recipe. Because she described it by saying store-bought formula is full of glucose and murderscience, and that apparently makes it sound like she knows what she’s talking about.

An article on the book posted last week included a recipe for the baby formula, which also includes organic maple syrup and cod’s liver oil, that she developed with a pediatrician and her husband, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler.

Cavallari said she would rather feed her three children homemade formula rather “than a heavily processed store-bought formula that contains ‘glucose syrup solids,’ which is another name for corn syrup solids, maltrodextrin, carrageenan and palm oil.”

Processed! Corn syrup! Nature to the rescue! Instead of that death formula, Cavallari feeds her children homemade formula made with goat’s milk powder. Because if you see it on Pinterest, you know it’s healthy.

Except it isn’t. And People had to remove the article because dipshit readers might murder their babies with goat’s milk. Because goat’s milk powder is not something babies should drink, you stupid human. From Pediatrics:

Anecdotal reports have described a host of morbidities associated with that practice [of giving babies goat’s milk], including severe electrolyte abnormalities, metabolic acidosis, megaloblastic anemia, allergic reactions including life-threatening anaphylactic shock, hemolytic uremic syndrome, and infections.

But you’re right, Kristicles. Corn syrup, GMOs, and vaccines are way worse.

By the way, if you really hate your children and science, you can still find the recipe in this shitbird’s book.


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