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Know Your Enemy

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (14)

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God fucking dammit TMZ.

In order to do this column properly (not a word, any of you), I have a self-imposed need to do research. This research involves scouring celebrity “news” websites, desperately searching for a nugget of something I can get incensed about. At some point in this search, I will have no choice but to visit TMZ.com.

A visit to TMZ is a lot like a simile of some kind that involves me feeling like a dirty whore. Every time I read one of their articles, pun-filled parodies of news, often sprinkled with dead people, I click away feeling as though I’m part of the problem. And not part of the problem like I am when I see the new Saw movie every year. Like a part of the problem that I want so desperately to undermine and be superior to.

I set out each week to point out the silliness of celebrity culture and how bizarre it is that we know so much about strangers. In addition to making me sound like an incredible douchemaven, this ultimately ends in me joining in the ranks and becoming similarly fascinated by the lives of these people. “My stars and garters, Heidi Montag is in a bikini and has a sexual intercourse video?!” “Gracious me, Justin Bieber has a sister named ‘Jazmyn’? I do believe their mother is a whore.” Things like that.

A majority of the celebrity news websites (all but People.com, really) make a living saying shitty things about famous people. And that’s fine. I do it, too. But TMZ… they’re… different. Like that kid in grade school who tries to be cool and mean like the popular kids and goes just a step too far because they don’t quite know how to interact with people. TMZ is basically an Aspergersy 12-year-old.

See here. I don’t even care about the Kardashians and TMZ just made me feel sorry for Khloe Kardashian. Even more than I already did for the fact her name is “Khloe.” She can’t help that she’s not built like Jessica Rabbit with a vacuous mannequin face.

Then there’s this. What does that even mean? I don’t understand your attempts at writing words, TMZ. Are you implying she has a metal vagina? That the scanner is horny? What?!

Then there was this. As much as I enjoyed Not Another Teen Movie, Sam Huntington is not someone who really has any place in my heart. But “one episode of of ‘CSI: New York’”? That’s just rude.

Fun fact: TMZ is owned by AOL and Telepictures, which used to be known as Lorimar Television. TMZ is the bastard child of those free trial discs that showed up on your parents’ mailbox by the truckload thirteen years ago, and Full House. Which means it might as well be the Tanner family posting cellulite-heavy photos of R&B stars. And they wouldn’t do that. Not even Joey.

The death knell in my self-respect for visiting TMZ? This post. Why, yes, that is death scene photos of a non-famous doctor. Oh, wait, there’s more. Two posts of fatal crash scene photos of some random guy who just happened to be the Dr. Frankenstein who created the Heidi Montag monster, but mostly he was just a guy. And even if he had been famous, that would still be incredibly fucked up. I don’t like the fact that TMZ sends paparazzi to piss people off to the point they say things that can be used against them. I don’t like the fact that they send photographers to take pictures up girls’ dresses, then call them out for indecency for not wearing underwear, which they would not have known if they didn’t have a lens shoved up their cervix like a goddamn pap smear. I don’t like the fact that they could have screwed up a criminal investigation by posting police photos of a beaten pop star after her similarly famous boyfriend beat the shit out of her. And I don’t like that they sell photos of the dead and dying and private 911 calls from family members as a way to make money.

After last time, affectionately known as That Time That One Site Called Courtney Fat, I made a rule that I wouldn’t call out other sites anymore. But TMZ is evil. And they must be destroyed.

But they won’t be. We’re stuck with them. Viva la dead people pictures, I suppose.

Follow Courtney Enlow on Twitter, and read her other stuff at HoboTrashcan.com.









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Comments

Ever notice that TMZ picks low lying fruit? In fact, to be on TMZ is about the equivalent of holding up a sign saying, "I'm irrelevant" (as much as I hate that expression.) Yes, TMZ tries to carve out its niche with "legal" stuff like death pix, divorce papers, and other claims to specialized info. But it's bread and butter is stupid pix of even dopier pseudo celebs. If the site went away tomorrow the world would be a better place.

However, if you feel sullied by reading TMZ, for god's sake don't look at the comments. I did it once and had to bath my eyes in cool water for hours while chanting a soothing mantra.

Posted by: Patricia at September 28, 2010 2:04 PM

I agree that TMZ is "evil." But we're not really stuck with them. I've never watched the TMZ TV show and I've only ever been to their website a handful of times.

The whole, out of sight out of mind thing really, really works. While it's entirely possible that because the nature of your work here and on your on blog that you're "forced" to keep tabs on the goings on at TMZ, it most cases it's really quite easy to ignore and forget that it even exists.

That's why I've never quite understood why people complain about things being "shoved down their throat", like soccer or the WNBA. Nobody is forcing you to watch a specific channel or listen to a specific radio station. If you don't like the content, change channels or turn it off or, at the very least, hit the "mute" button.

Posted by: ForbiddenDonut at September 28, 2010 2:09 PM

Brr. You think TMZ is horrible? Try reading the comments on their posts. I'm actually more disturbed by the monsters who eat this shit up than by the people who write it. They're just trying to make a cheap buck, I guess. Not that I'm defending them, but at least they have *some* excuse.

Posted by: figgy at September 28, 2010 2:10 PM

I wish TMZ were dead. I can't switch away fast enough from that self-congratulatory, smug "newsroom" featured on the television show.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 28, 2010 2:29 PM

I've accidentally watched part of the TV show once. These fuckers give ambulance chasing lawyers a bad name.

Posted by: admin at September 28, 2010 2:29 PM

Ha! TMZ is blocked at my work. You tried to trick me into clicking on something that would make me hate humanity more, Courtney but it didn't work. There is still hope. For me anyway. Those that can see it are fucked though.

Posted by: PaulterA at September 28, 2010 2:51 PM

I'm part of the problem; I like TMZ. Perez Hilton... there are no words for how much I completely despise him.

Posted by: MeganTheFirst at September 28, 2010 3:13 PM

man, that khloe kardashian post is mean! and i hate people. but that's too mean even for me.

especially if you google "khloe kardashian bandage dress" which i absolutely DID NOT JUST DO, you can see that she doesn't actually have one breast that is lumpy and drooped to her knees. khloe must have pissed off someone at tmz for them to do a photoshop number on her like that.

also, kim kardashian looks fucking ridiculous with those boobs.

Posted by: stopthemadness at September 28, 2010 4:02 PM

If there's money to be made, it'll exist.

They are basically the New Enquirer with a better graphic designer and a shark (a literal shark) at the helm. Sharks don't care, really they don't.

Kill the designers! Every one! You see what they can do?

Posted by: replica at September 28, 2010 5:03 PM

Nobody has to visit TMZ or Perez. Really. You can just stop.

Posted by: xoxoxoe at September 28, 2010 7:31 PM

If you think TMZ is mean, then you definitely don't want to visit IDontLikeYouinThatWay.com

I go there all the time.

Posted by: Pat C at September 28, 2010 8:14 PM

If you think TMZ is mean, then you definitely don't want to visit IDontLikeYouinThatWay.com.

Posted by: Pat C at September 28, 2010 8:14 PM
---
I think that's how I wound up here.

Posted by: , at September 28, 2010 11:23 PM

I'm amazed that TMZ also has a tv show where they sit around and make bad jokes about their stories of the day. I've seen a few minutes of it and it was atrocious.

Posted by: Katie at September 29, 2010 4:04 PM

I'm more tolerant of bad websites, magazines or books that also include stuff I like, because it's so easy to skip the stuff I don't like/don't care about. Broadcasts (e.g.the TMZ show)are different because it's not so easy to skip past the stuff you don't like, even if you recorded it earlier. Also, I read faster than people talk, so even the interesting stuff I'd rather look at than listen to.

Posted by: Pat C at September 29, 2010 5:30 PM