Johnny Depp Proven Imperfect, Worlds Crumble: When the Good Ones Disappoint
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Johnny Depp Proven Imperfect, Worlds Crumble: When the Good Ones Disappoint

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | June 28, 2012 | Comments ()


A famous male entertainer has split with his wife amidst rumors of extramarital affairs. STOP REPORTING ON HEALTH CARE RIGHT NOW AS I BRING YOU REAL SHOCKING NEWS.

Except, this particular story (which is super "stop me if you think that you've heard this one before" samesies to the max) is coated in a clammy film of "but we thought you were one of the good ones, Johnnycakes."

Certain celebrities are supposed to be superior. They aren't supposed to let us down. They are supposed to remain in happy marriages until death do they part while the rest of us mere peons wallow in the shallow graves of uncertainty and instability, and, dammit, they're supposed to like it. And Johnny Depp, by all accounts the nicest person who ever lived to wear a thousand bracelets, was supposed to be one of them.

A person who pretends for a living may not be the personified perfection we imagined him to be. How fucking dare that guy.

Which is probably why some have chosen to side with the attractive, goodly famous man and villainize Vanessa Paradis. She's French, has dumb teeth and didn't star in Ed Wood. Let's get her!

We really are so predictable.

Lainey at LaineyGossip's rundown of this is explains this whole thing perfectly. See, Johnny was all poised to be the bad guy (for this is popular culture and there must always be a bad guy). But, luckily for everyone, he's buds with the owner of Us Weekly. Hence, Vanessa = bitchwhore. Johnny is allegedly carrying on with his publicist, making him look bad and making her look really bad to her equally powerful clients. Hence, Johnny Depp = lesbian turner (and, as Heard is not the unknown civilian his publicist is, in a much better position to deny, deny, deny). He even bought her a horse! (Note: He probably didn't buy her a horse.)

Where we find ourselves now, the fallout, is where the star in question shows his/her true colors. In what light will they, the more powerful of the pair, allow their former significant others--the former loves of their lives, parents of their children--to be portrayed?

In the nicest guy in Hollywood's case, as a nagging twat who drove him into the arms of other women.


All we have left is Tom Hanks. It's on you, Tom. We're all counting on you.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • logan

    C'mon the mans greatest claim to fame is playing a gay drunken pirate. Since this will not affect his ability to play that character what's the problem? Were some of you imaginary BFF's with him and now you're disappointed?

  • Jezzer

    It's almost like Courtney wrote an entertainment article and invited discussion about it, isn't it?

  • Michelle

    I've semi-hated Johnny Depp ever since I saw Finding Neverland a couple of years ago. A terrible, terrible movie that to this day still triggers an unholy amount of rage in me. It's worse than The Family Stone, that's how bad this *bleep*stain of a movie is. Plus he's obviously an alcoholic, his pretension levels are off the roof, he supports Roman Polanski, complains about paying taxes, won't detach himself from Tim Burtons leg, and yet no one ever seemed to call him out before now. I love Lainey for telling it as it is, she deserves a medal for breaking it down so eloquently.

    The day my heart will truly be broken is the day that Tom Hiddleston does something to prove he isn't the perfect, ping pong playing, giggling blonde baby unicorn he appears to be. I think there will be mass suicides everywhere.

  • Vivianne ValdeMar

    By which I mean the last paragraph!

  • Jezzer

    I think I stopped thinking of Johnny Depp as "perfect" when he stopped washing his hair. So, what, about ten years now?

  • Mrs. Julien

    Aren't we supposed to be surprised when people this entitled don't cheat? I confess I'm hoping for Brangelina to make it. He strikes me as a serial monogamist.

  • DominaNefret

    I have never understood the Johnny Depp hype. He has played the same character in every movie he's been in for the last decade, and comes off as totally arrogant and aloof.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    Funny how Tom Hanks and Paul Newman are being held up a paragon of conjugal honour when you consider that neither one of them had a problem (at some point) to tomcatting on set.

  • mona_sterling

    I was aware that Tom did (Rita) but not Paul. If he fooled around with Elizabeth Taylor I will be most disillusioned.

  • I can't be the only one who's always thought there's a miasma of Douche constantly surrounding this guy. Am I?

  • stryker1121

    It may be the thrice-yearly Vanity Fair covers w/ Johnny wearing eye shadow and sporting all his gnarly tats.

  • zeke_the_pig

    I like him, god help me I do, but really it's pretty much based on nothing; and only in comparison to the Worst People Brigade that is Hollywoood. Also I always thought it was more of a Pretension-by-calvin-klein miasma.

  • katyv

    Fact: I am apathetic about Johnny Depp.
    He never wowed me and I find myself unmoved. I've always felt weird about my lack of feelings for Depp, but it finally pays off! I don't feel like he let me down because I wasn't invested in him at all. Yay for being boring and having no opinion! At last...I'm so relieved.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    You're not the only one!

  • Anna von Beav

    Can't people simply grow apart? I mean, fourteen years is a pretty good run.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Are we sure this isn't somehow Angelina Jolie's fault?

  • e jerry powell

    EVERYTHING is Angelina Jolie's fault. Even after she dies.

    Well, everything that isn't Ben Stiller's fault, but that's not the sexy stuff.

  • john

    Who has ever thought that Johnny Depp was a really nice guy?
    I guess I missed the boat on this entire thing but I had no idea what was going on here.
    I guess I'm lucky?

  • hapl0

    There's enough true love in Hollywood:

  • mona_sterling

    Thank you. That made me happy.

  • hapl0

    You're most welcome.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I have faith in the Dude as well. Jeff Bridges and his wife are still going strong.

  • ashley

    don't forget matt damon!

  • dannyexplosion

    I like movies and television. This celebrity gossip stuff is for dumb dumbs.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I know this is news(ish), but I hate that it's news.

  • Internet Magpie

    PLEASE DO NOT PUT THIS PRESSURE ON TOM, COURTNEY. My heart could not take a Mr. White/Margueritte split.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Can you present this article with enough facts that I don't *HAVE* to click on other links for it to make sense? Is Heard referring to Amber Heard? Who's his publicist? Was she formerly a lesbian? (granted, I don't really need to know the answers to these, but if I'm gonna click on a gossip link, I'd like to actually get the gossip)

    Also - Paradis & Depp weren't ever actually married...

  • NynjaSquirrel

    Amber Heard is currently IN a lesbian relationship, but has said in the past that she basically goes where her heart (or current controlling body part) takes her. Personally, having seen interviews with her and some damn fine Top Gear track work, she's WAAAAY to good for double-dipping Depp.
    She was in Zombieland, Drive Angry (poor sod), and apparently split from her gf some months ago.

  • BWeaves

    And here I thought Nathan Fillion was the nicest guy in Hollywood, or does he not count because he's not married? Depp wasn't married to Paradis, right?

  • e jerry powell

    Nope, they ain't married. She just his baby mama.

  • mona_sterling

    If Tom Hanks ever cheats on Rita Wilson, I will not be able to take it. I ain't kidding. I have loved that man ever since I was seven years old and he was Kip Wilson. I have forgiven him his hair in both Joe Versus the Volcano and The Da Vinci Code. Being from Alabama, I forgave his horrible accent in Forrest Gump. I even forgave the fact that he let Big Love descend into total bullshit. But I will not forgive him if he cheats on Rita.
    As for Johnny Depp, I never trusted him. The fact that he has continued to over-accesorize until the age of 50 has always made him suspect in my mind.

  • lala lele

    Little known fact Tom Hanks cheated on his first wife WITH Rita

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    If Tom Hanks ever cheats on Rita Wilson, I'll relocate to LA (they live in LA, right? Seems like they would) and hope to get caught up in what I'm just going to believe would be her epic post-Hanksian cougaring spree.

    ETA: You wouldn't think you could verb cougar, but you can verb anything now that the lolcats and the CDC have successfully verbed verb.

  • mona_sterling

    Who am I kidding? I'll totally forgive him.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Oh yeah... because Paul Newman went and died on us. I guess you are right... it is up to Tom.

  • Bert_McGurt

    That just means that Paul didn't, won't, and now can't tarnish his image.

  • JenVegas

    Tom Hanks would literally have to blow up the world to make me think poorly of him.

  • Adrien

    Really? Not even "The Terminal"?

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