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It's Lindsay Lohan vs. the Hilton Family--We're Gonna Party Like It's 2006

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | December 9, 2013 | Comments ()


This weekend, Lindsay Lohan attended a book club tea party where nothing happened. JK LULZ, she went to a Miami house party full of booze and coke and ordered a hit on Barron Hilton, little brother of Paris.

Remember when Paris Hilton was a person? Sigh. Good times, guys.

Anyway, Barron von Hilton (I added the von because it is better and fancy) was jumped after said party and got his face mangled, then posted said manglage to Instagram because that’s what the kids do these days. Mess-face selfie! *phone clicky sound*


Paris commented on the Instagrammed photo, saying “They both will pay for what they did. No one f***s with my family and gets away with it!!” Both here meaning the guy who laid the smack down upon the von visage, and Lindsay Lohan, who Barron accuses of “masterminding” the whole attack.

I don’t think Lindsay Lohan could mastermind a trip to Trader Joe’s, but since she and her team are saying she’s innocent, clearly she’s not because history. Also, she says she wasn’t even there and there’s video evidence that she was, so, yeah, history.

So throw on your boho-chic giant sunglasses and hideously unflattering sundresses because it’s 2006 up in here! Everyone sing some Panic! at the Disco and that “‘cause you had a bad day” song!

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • kirbyjay

    How can you take a selfie with your eyes closed? If I tried that I would get the top of the fridge.

  • Aaron Schulz

    I wouldnt screw with the hilton family, they have way to much money and i think could put someone in the ground somewhat easily if they wanted to. Or a few well placed bribes to police and a judge and suddenly miss lohan finds herself on the business end of a lively fisting in a prison shower.

  • manting

    they are not that rich. Paris only inherted like 20 million. I got an uncle worth 60. She aint shit.

  • Aaron Schulz

    shes not worth that much, but her family is, and i assume papa hilton is insane

  • Boothy K

    Paris Hilton has a brother? This whole thing is hilarious to me. What does that say about me? Who cares?!

  • Uriah_Creep

    Goddamit, Courtney, you made me go to TMZ! I may never forgive you.

    I probably have computer crabs now.

  • Aaron Schulz

    theres a shampoo for that, and a tiny comb

  • bastich

    There's an app for that.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Well I hope it's a dry shampoo, because my computer doesn't much care for water. And I won't even ask where the comb should be used.

  • manting

    did you guys know that because of... ahem, the recent practice of grooming your junk crabs are almost extinct in the U.S? Without pubes they got nowhere to live.

  • e jerry powell

    See, people say Barron Hilton, I think of Barron Hilton 1927. You know, the Barron Hilton that still has some dignity (but for the fact that Paris, Nicky, and Barron are all his grandchildren).

  • AvaLehra

    "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?"

  • bleujayone

    "Barron von Hilton" was one of the rejected names Eddie Izzard came up with for his legendary "Death Star Cantina" bit.

  • Zen

    This one's wet... this one's wet... did you dry these in a rainforest?

  • oilybohunk7

    I named my first hedgehog (RIP) Rigby, after Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles. I used to call him "Baron von Rigglesworth" because I'm weird. This post reminded me of him and I can guarantee that he was way cooler than this ahole.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Does anyone here actually know a real life producer or TV executive I can pitch a reality show to? I was going to post my idea but it's so good I've decided to hoard it all to myself.

  • bastich

    I foresee this beef going too far and someone ending up with a blinged out horses head in their bed.

  • AvaLehra

    It would be more like a clump of hair extensions looking like a horse's tail...

  • emmalita

    I pity the poor assistant who has to wield that glue gun.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I don't care about any of these people, but the notion that any of them have minions to dispatch is hilarious.

  • bastich

    Somewhere, there's a teary-eyed girl in a "TEAM LOHAN" shirt preparing a scathing Snapchat in response to your comment.

  • emmalita

    To quote Lana:

  • Mrs. Julien

    Good morrow to you, emmalita, angel of upvotes.

  • lowercase_ryan

    If these people start killing each other I may have to reverse my stance on reality tv shows. Now how do we get the Kardashians in on this?

  • bastich

    There's gotta be a way we could get a real-life "Celebutard Hunger Games" out of this, right?

  • lowercase_ryan

    I'd be lying if the thought hadn't crossed my mind. Who said the hunger has to be for food? actually.... I MAY HAVE AN IDEA!!

  • laylaness

    Hang on, let me get my miniskirt and Uggs out. That's hot!

  • OMG I love your skinny scarf!

  • laylaness

    Your Juicy tracksuit is to die for!

  • bcarter3

    Damn! Lindsay Lohan AND the Hiltons! Is there any way to get Charlie Sheen involved in this story? And maybe the Palins?

  • John G.

    It's trainwreck Bingo!

  • Berry

    These people's lives weird me out. They're like a not even that much toned down Brett Easton Ellis book. So maybe it does make sense Lohan starred in that movie of his that one time.

  • John G.

    Totally! Bret Easton Ellis can retire, because people like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are living his fiction now in real time.

  • NateMan

    To be fair to young von Hilton, if I got that many facial lacerations I'd probably post it too. Because, I mean, if you've gotta get the shit kicked out of you, you might as well get the sympathy boning too.

  • Sympathy boning!

  • Aaron Schulz

    Sympathy Boning all around!
    I am so gonna start a band called Sympathy boning and the weeping masturbators.

  • BlackRabbit


  • Sara_Tonin00

    Mm...I selfied the time I had two black eyes. It's kinda fascinating to see yourself with two black eyes. If twitter had existed then, and I were on it, I might have sepia-toned by black eyes (quick, someone from Pantone tell me what color that would make my facial bruising)

  • oilybohunk7

    I totally photo-document injuries.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I took photos of a ferocious eye infection once. It was the only time I could successfully pull off a Jake Lamotta impression.

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