Here's Everything We Know about the Solange/Jay-Z/Beyoncé Situation, the Most Important Story in the World
You know how CNN has been with the Malaysian plane? That’s the internet with this story. Rumors are swirling, people are freaking out, dogs and cats are living together. Here are the readily available facts as we currently know them.
- Solange attacked Jay-Z in an elevator. Beyoncé stood by. I misspelled “Zapruder.”
- The internet exploded with reactions ranging from OBVIOUS SPOUSAL ABUSE to OBVIOUS CHEATING MAN to OBVIOUS CRAZY UNPROVOKED WOMAN.
- Solange scrubbed her Instagram of recent Beyoncé photos.
- Beyoncé and Jay-Z went to a Nets game, showing a united front…
- …but her IV tattoo that she got for her husband seems to have been removed.
- Jay-Z and Solange went shopping together. OR FUCKING DID THEY?
- Beyoncé and Solange attended Kelly Rowland’s wedding because a non-B Destiny’s Child can’t even have her wedding be about her.
A message is being sent by Beyoncé and Jay-Z. I don’t know what this message is, but they’re trying to tell us something, Beyoncé especially. But I lack her powers and can’t understand. It’s in code or something. Maybe it’s buried treasure. Crack it, find the buried treasure and save Greendale!
Every part of this story, perhaps save for the elevator incident itself, has been meticulously orchestrated. The power of celeb PR is strong and the fact we can’t see a clear picture means it’s not over yet. This is some House of Cards shit.
I don’t know what the end game is here (my theory: it’s a long game leading toward a publicly amicable split after their tour, ultimately preserving both images), but never have I seen a team so in control of their brand and public message. For all her attempts, Gwyneth Paltrow in all her conscious uncouplings has cracks throughout her foundation. The only ones who come close would be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and even they lack the almost unilateral public approval and apparent lack of visible or tangible flaw or misstep. Beyoncé, with Jay-Z by her side professionally and personally (same thing in their world—Hollywood and politics are one and the same), has had a remarkable ability to both make no mistakes and scrub any mistakes from public consciousness, save for the one major failure on both fronts when she tried to remove ugly pictures from the internet which is like trying to remove ugly water from a pool with a pond skimmer.
Let’s put this in real-world terms. Let’s say a CEO and COO of a major company were in an elevator and the…what would Solange be in terms of business…like, the director of the mail room attacked the COO while the CEO looked on all “must be Tuesday.” And so the PR team had to go on a full public image campaign but instead of releasing a statement, they set up lots of charitable public appearances for all involved and also the CEO gets his or her company logo tattoo removed. Or something. This is why I’m not Beyoncé—they can control this crazy situation and I can’t even control this metaphor.
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