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Here Comes Pimped Children: The Whole "Kids Are Off Limits" Thing Is Now Off the Table

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | August 9, 2012 | Comments ()


honeybooboo.jpg

For as long as children have been thrust into the public eye, either by the choice of their parents or by the thoughtless lenses of the paparazzi, goodly-hearted people have professed "no. Kids are off limits. Leave the kids out of this."

I re-no your no. That time is over. Apparently, kids are now grist for the mill. This is Honey Boo Boo time now. We as a nation are now perfectly okay to make fun of heavily caffeinated redneck babies.

'murica. *waves flag triumphantly*

I know that we are almost all in agreement that these "Toddlers and Tiaras" pageant moms are basically worse than hemorrhoids. They are, without fail and with the complete freedom of accurate generalization, awful people and awful parents, and that's just that. There is no argument on the other side. If you are dragging your child around from pageant to pageant, spending truckloads of money on costumes and hair and other ridiculous frivolities for the sole purpose of being told that your child is prettier than all the other made up little dolls, ripe for the judgment of grown-ass adults who judge fucking kiddie pageants for a living, then you should have had your ovaries removed with a melon baller when your back was turned to look at the shiny reflection of your own wasted life.

But that's just my opinion.

Anyway, with the proliferation of reality shows featuring HAH-LARIOUS tots spouting their HYSTURRICAL child dollops of knee-slapping funny, so that the parents can make a quick dollar, then, yes, kids? Totally on the table. Judge them.

I mean, the parents want you to judge them. Right?

That human Play-Doh lump who birthed Honey Boo Boo--the real life Peter Griffin-in-a-dress in the photo above--she wants you to laugh at her child. She wants you to look at her kid and hate everything she stands for. We as a nation no longer have the benefit of the doubt. There is no more pure, innocent "we just didn't know" ignorance when it comes to getting yourself into reality television. If you are putting yourself, your family and your tiny, spazzy children out there for public consumption, you know exactly what you are doing.

So, let's just do it. Let's rip into this little kid GOOD. Let's tear her apart like any Kardashian, Hilton or Spencer Pratt. Let's fucking ruin her.

You can't do it, can you?

Me neither. Yet. But we're getting there. We are almost at that point.

We're a fucking mess.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Bwees

    I'll go there. I don't care what anyone says...that kid is not cute and is ugly as fuck.

  • ,

    Oh, and it's probably worth noting that "Seinfeld" took the ugly baby taboo off the table many years ago (without, smartly, actually ever showing the baby, so it was left to our imaginations to conjure the face of the goblin in the cradle). It's in the episode more often remembered for "major shrinkage."

  • ,

    I can.

    That kid is ugly, and in 30 years she'll be house-sized like her mother.

    My work here is done.

    *whistles a happy tune*

  • TheOriginalMRod

    I was just thinking, "who... exactly, watches this show?" then I remembered my neighbor making me watch a clip from Toddlers & Tiaras on her iPhone. She is a teacher... well, she is an art teacher... but that really isn't fair to teachers or art teachers. I am sure not all of them watch this crap.

  • brite

    The blame/shame should not fall on the child, the parents, or the producers. The blame and ooooooooh the shame falls on each and every citizen that comprises a culture that craves this shit. This type of 'entertainment' exists because there is a large enough number of people who will watch it, therefore, it's profitable.
    The culture of celebrity rages on because the general populace, whether they condone or condemn it, continue to create a need for it. It will disappear when we stop consuming it...kinda like Sarah Palin.

  • Darcy

    The darkness drops again but now I know

    That twenty centuries of stony sleep

    Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,

    And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,

    Slouches towards Bethlehem
    to be born?

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Godtopus wept!

  • astounded

    But what would happen if we stopped churning out TV refuse such as this? We keep saying that shit like this show exists because there are people who would like to watch that. But what if they don't get the chance? What if we skip the lowest common denominator shows and use TV to broaden people's horizons? Same as with the tabloids - if there were no paparazzis tomorrow, the world wouldn't stop existing and bored people would have to find something else to fill up the hole that is their inner life.

  • Pookie

    As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow the parents of these kids will vote Republican. So I say let these people have their guns, god, and their hatred of anything and anyone that's different.

  • A Guy

    I disagree.

    I bet they grow up and don't vote at all.

  • The kid looks like she's up for the lead in a remake of Child's Play. Is that make up or plastic surgery making her look like a waxwork child courtesan from the Moulin Rouge?

  • majicou

    Children are always being exploited. For work, sex, slavery. This is just picking one case out. One is a tragedy, a thousand is a statistic.

  • Jezzer

    That doesn't make each and every case any less fucking reprehensible.

  • Psychicdog

    These two gals
    they make quite a pair
    they both come
    from your worst nightmare
    they will haunt your soul forever
    and now
    when you see pink
    you're going to think
    "we're doomed"

  • Maguita NYC

    Or "We are on our way to becoming extinct."
    (thought it would rhyme somewhat with your pink/think...)

  • dahlia6

    My question? Where is the useless limp-dick of a father in all this? This is his brat too. While the mother is evil and deserves a holy-water enema, just because Papa Bear his hiding his face doesn't exempt him from the blame. Men, these are your kids, too. You helped make the little monsters. Stand up to the wife and say, "You know what? Its easy money but I actually want my kid to be happy, not serve as a warning to others." Its easier to either be whipped or pretend to be whipped, but men need to be more involved in their kids upbringing, on all fronts. My own lacking parental unit of the male persuasion made me determined to find not just a sperm donor, but someone who actually wanted to contribute to the raising of a semi-well adjusted human being. Of course, I found out I can't get pregnant, but that still doesn't mean I'm giving up the dream. After all, I want someone to be a good daddy to the fur-babies, to make sure they don't end up on the dog-fighting circuit or turning tricks for quick puppy adoption schemes.

  • Chelsea

    Unfortunately, in this case the father is present. He goes by Sugar Bear or some such nonsense. And there are older siblings who also went through the pageant ride. Honey Boo Boo has got no one with any sense.

  • dahlia6

    http://moblog.net/view/931148/...

    Short-hand version: D:

  • cinekat

    As a Murican Abroad, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to defend The Homeland. I'm actually beginning to wax nostalgic over the Bush years...

  • dahlia6

    A melon baller? You candy-ass. Surely we can be more violent than that.

  • BobbFrapples

    Good god. Her name is really Honey Boo Boo? That poor kid. I hope she breaks free and never looks back.

  • Captain_Tuttle

    All I want to do is pick that kid up in whatever podunk town she lives in between pageants and motivational speaking engagements, and show her what fruits, vegetables and books look like.

    NB to any entity which may be monitoring these comments: I do not endorse kidnapping, nor would I participate in such activities. Unless you paid me a whole bunch.

  • LB

    Unwatchable. Totally unwatchable. How did this cow and her spawn get a show? How does this happen?

  • bibliophile

    Please, please tell me that isn't the child's real name . . . .

  • TheAggroCraig

    I just read a review of the first episode and no, that's not her real name. It's Alana Something.

  • Rubble44

    If you think it's bad now, wait about 30 years when that girl is the Republican VP candidate.

  • hal9000

    I say rip into the Mom. What a prostitute.

  • Slash

    What do you mean "we"? I don't watch this shit.

    These people are just 21st century court jesters, only instead of capering to and fro for a court, they do it for anyone who turns on TV. In a way, I guess that's democracy.

    And those 2 sentences are as much thought or effort as I'm going to contribute to them. I got better shit to do.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    More comments: I came across The Hills on MTV this morning and thought how glad I was that I haven't heard the names of any of these people in probably a year.

    The child involved...could end up in no more terrible shape than kids who were in commercials decades ago. Could. It will really depend on whether she ends up having to sue her mother for her share of the proceeds in the future, forcing a mental and emotional break from her parents, meaning that she has a chance to surround herself with some people who truly have her well-being in mind.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Totally worse than hemorrhoids. At least hemorrhoids might have the side benefit of getting you to eat more fiber or get your ass checked for cancer.

  • MikeRoorda

    I don't know, all I see when I look at that header pic is someone with a glandular problem that likely has some emotional/personality disorders and someone else who is about to inherit her own. If the larger of the two is complicit in all of this and "who cares because they're paying me" then she deserves to be burned at the stake. If she isn't but is legitimately fucked in the head "they LIKE me, they really, really LIKE me" than we as viewers are to blame and deserve staking and flame.

    The two people least responsible are the kid and the producers. The kid is just doing what her parent has told her to her entire life. She doesn't know better yet. I would have shit on the rug in front of cameras every day including Sunday at that age if my dad and mom did so as well and told me it was normal. The producers, well, producers are just pushers. If it doesn't sell, they don't offer it. Their only job is to make money, and it doesn't matter how they make it. Getting mad at them is like getting pissed that occasionally a great white takes a taste of surfer during the summer months. It's what they do.

  • Palaeologos

    Can only agree; seems not a single person you run into will admit watching these series (if indeed they don't deny it vehemently), yet they keep getting renewed year after year--certainly not because no one is watching them.

  • Yossarian

    The producers are not responsible? Do you think this is a nature documentary? These people were sought out, auditioned, coached, and rehearsed for this. The cameras influence behavior. If only the producers would say "the kids are off limits" then these kids might have a slim chance of finding some caring friends and a decent role model around adolescence and overcoming the tragedy of their parentage. Only in a society as fucked up as this can you suggest the producers are not responsible a keep a straight face.

  • MikeRoorda

    It isn't in the producer's nature to say "this is appropriate and that isn't." It's their JOB to define what sells, package it effectively, and sell it. The blame rests not on the fact that the show was conceived, cast and shot, but on the fact that a show like this can and will be profitable because a segment of the population continues to ask for it.

    This type of programming is OUR fault. Nobody else's. Anyone who watches "Toddlers in Tiaras" in an "ironic" manner or simply because they can't turn away from the train wreck is a contributor to this reflection of culture as much as the idiots who watch with sincere and unfettered investment in the characters and their "stories."

    If nobody watched the Housewives, we wouldn't be getting a different cast for every major US city. You want to blame the content distributors but the real blame is at the feet of those who ask for it to be given to them.

  • Yossarian

    I mean, ultimately you are right. As long as there is demand for it shitty people will meet that demand. Doesn't make the ones who do it any less shitty.

  • Yossarian

    Just because there is a market for something does not absolve the producers of culpability. Selling meth and filming girls gone wild videos are not morally neutral acts just because someone else is willing to pay you. If you make a living exploiting psychologically abused children with irresponsible parents for TLC you are pretty much a shitty person.

  • MikeRoorda

    Since when do we expect or want our television programming (or the producers of the programming) to dictate morality to us? To invite in the "that's immoral and shouldn't be allowed" argument is to open the door to the Tipper Gore's of the world. If we travel down that road eventually someone will be put in charge of deciding what is and isn't acceptable for us, rather than trusting us to make those decisions for ourselves. There have always been those willing to showcase the grotesque and morally objectionable in order to turn a profit. Freak shows and strip teases are nothing new.

    If we want to have raw, violent and morally corrupt characters like Walter White to enjoy and dissect we're going to have to make room for objectionable material rooted in reality as well.

    There's an important distinction to be made here. Selling meth is illegal. Filming a girls gone wild video is not. Both are, admittedly, done by people who value profit over humanity. The best that I can do is try to not feed either of them and talk some sense into those who do.

  • Yossarian

    I think you are missing my point. I'm not saying I want someone else's morality to dictate what can and can't be shown on television. Exactly the opposite. I value freedom of speech. That does not mean that creators and producers have no personal responsibility for their actions. Freedom implies responsibility. Vince Gilligan is responsible for Breaking Bad. These dipshits are responsible for whatever the fuck this show is called.

    And I'm not talking about legal, I'm talking about moral. It's perfectly legal to pressure your emotionally troubled drug addicted girlfriend to get back on stage and be a stripper. It's not legal to pressure her to turn tricks. Neither example is a shining example of morality. Exploiting children- as this show clearly does- is not illegal. I'm suggesting it is immoral and the creators of the show bear that responsibility. "Just doing their job" is a reason, not an excuse.

  • MikeRoorda

    We agree, but are approaching it from different angles. I absolutely agree that I find what they're making to be repulsive, I'm just not sure I can lay the blame entirely at their feet. Sharks kill things. Sociopaths make decisions that benefit them on the backs of others. Producers (some of them, not all) make shows that follow the shortest line to the tallest pile of cash. These things always have been and always will be.

    On the whole, I know what you're driving at, I just think the argument for them to filter their decisions through a predefined understanding of what is and isn't moral is a fruitless one. They will continue to make this kind of drivel, and the bad is going to get worse. I chose to not view it, and will do my best to convince others to follow suit.

  • Yossarian

    I just disagree with the suggestion that they are not responsible (or, "least responsible"). The fact that there is an audience for it does not absolve the producers of guilt. It may mean that shows like this are inevitable, and if they don't produce them someone else will, but they are still every bit as culpable as the parents and the people at home who can't look away (and mutter "ugh, I can't believe they make this terrible stuff").

    I feel pity for the mother and the kid.

  • Maguita NYC

    @MikeRoorda:disqus
    "If we travel down that road eventually someone will be put in charge of deciding what is and isn't acceptable for us."

    I thought that's what the Parents Television Council is for. But apparently, Janet Jackson's nipple is more insulting and has a bigger negative impact on our children, than Honey Boo Boo and her monster of a parent.

  • MikeRoorda

    After I wrote that I thought to myself "Duh, the FCC dummy." However the example you gave is exactly why we don't want people deciding for us what is and isn't wholesome viewing material.

  • Maguita NYC

    It was meant as snark. I apologize for my ironic tone that comes off unintentionally sincere at times.

    I was ridiculing the 1/8th of a second of a possible nipple sighting, when things like Honey Boo Boo and all those absurd Dance Moms are allowed to infest our magical little boxes.

  • MikeRoorda

    No apology needed. Snark is encouraged. I just called Andrew Zimmern an overweight mole in another thread so... yeah.

  • Maguita NYC

    Producers are bound by profit, and their actions often reflect this. How else would we ever explain that shows like Limbaugh's have producers?

    Producers are never morally bound. The network is. And the network looks into attracting larger audience, in order to attract sponsor dollars, and thus defining acceptable moral boundaries for the corporation.

  • I'll take the pot shot- maybe it will scar (and scare) enough of these T&T moms to stop the child abuse: that child is a product of toothless, lard assed retardation that comes from faulking your cousins for sport, and she looks it, acts it -embodies it. She was clearly conceived in a petry di---tub of imperial butter- filled with 40 oz malt liquor , meth rocks and domino pizza crusts- a twinkle in her "daddy's glass eye, born of the "brain" atrophy that comes from watching a zillion mind numbingly repetitious hours of fast cars circle round a track, just waiting for the crash.

    Shame on every college degree holding, book-reading American who promotes this kind of programming by watching that fat little misfit who should be taken away by child protective services while her mother is forced to twirl flaming batons.

    How come anyone is watching this shixx? GAWD! TLC is owned by the Brits- they are making fun of you! Yes, you too: Ricky Gervais is having a fucking brilliant time laughing at us: both the subjects like honey boo boo and those who watch her on television. Yes- even you smug "literary types" who watch to make yourselves feel better about yourselves. Gervais is laughing at you too, every last one of you! And I hate how smug Ricky Gervais can be- stop giving him fodder!

    Man, that needed to be said, but I am sorry too. See, I doubt my rant applies to much of anyone here at Pajiba, but I just needed to faulking scream about this travesty- you know, to someone.

    *steps down from soap box made of recycled tubs of smartbalance*

  • the other courtney

    Fine.
    That fat, greasy, Aqua-net-encased, K-Mart-discount-rack-shopping redneck piece of sweaty dumpster trash and her Walgreens make-up can stop looking so pleased with the fact that she’ll accomplish nothing in life short of being a walking organ donor. Scratch that – likely nothing in her custard-filled body would be salvageable... so that leaves object of ridicule. Congratulations. Be sure to dedicate your thank you speech to your mother.

  • Sofia

    The kid has a pass until she's a teen. Then we can all slut-shame her.

    That's how it works, right?

  • Anna von Beav

    U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! WE'RE #1! WE'RE #1! WE'RE #1!

  • Yossarian

    Why are kids of limits? Because they are innocent? Victims? Not able to make rational choices for themselves to avoid this whole mess?

    What's so different about the adults? A dozen years older but scant more wisdom or reason. Yeah, they should know better, but clearly they don't. Clearly they are too stupid. Clearly the lure of attention, fame, money, and significance are overpowering any sense of shame, restraint, or self-preservation. So how are the adults any more "on-limits" than the kids? They are operating on about the same cognitive level of attention-seeking self absorption.

    It is a freak show. TLC knows. They don't care. This whole spectacle is gawking at the misfortune of others who willingly debase themselves and their family. There is nothing at all redeeming to be found here. Nothing to be learned or gained. It is just raw exploitation.

  • Maguita NYC

    It is all about numbers. The same reason fantastic and intelligent shows get cancelled for poor viewer numbers, many shitty, idiotic and reprehensible shows get picked up BECAUSE of viewer numbers, i.e. sponsor dollars.

    We make them. And we break them. We, are responsible.

  • bleujayone

    ...And yet it's the same-sex couples are the ones deemed "unworthy" of parenthood over these monsters. Why aren't the same gay-bashing, "Christian" hypocrites raising a stink and demonstrating against these assholes and people like them? And why in the fuckity-fuck are we as a society rewarding them with money, "fame" and attention instead of punishing them? Last I checked exploiting children was a crime- even if they're your own.

  • Maguita NYC

    Because Honey Boo Boo is being raised by a god-fearing and loving parent.

    And according to Bryan Fischer, very conservative zealot radio show host, children of gay couples should be kidnapped from their parents to protect them from the evils of the gay agenda. He suggests building an under-ground railroad for that exact purpose.

    No kidding, he said that yesterday, Aug. 8, 2012. In US America.

  • Kinda funny that she's "god fearing," because I'd hold her up as proof positive that either God doesn't exist, or that God has abandoned us to our fate.

    On the other hand, Mama Boo Boo does match certain biblical accounts of the Leviathan.

  • The Wanderer

    No, she's the Baron Harkonnen's ancestress.

  • bleujayone

    Would it surprise anyone that Jabba the Pimp here is only 32 years old? She had her first child at 15 and now that daughter is having her first baby at 17. Why yes, as a matter of fact they are exploiting that child's impending birth on their new TV show too. But again, it's the gay folks that are being blamed for squashing off a giant dookie on so-called "family values".

  • Area Man

    She'll be a tv star for life: Honey Boo Boo -> Teen Mom -> Intervention -> Hoarders

  • Sofia

    -> I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant (Even Though I've Already Had Kids And Know How This Shit Works, But Still, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant)

  • Ash

    WTF. i had to IMDB this to check if it was a real show. i've never found a more appropriate use for this gif:

  • Ash

    gif:

  • TK

    From the header pic I thought this was gonna be about the Gathering of the Juggaloes.

  • NateMan

    These people always existed. In every social class, though we find it more fun to mock the very bottom (this trailer-trash family, which you just know has lived too near the high tension lines for generations) and the very top (every loathsome, slouching beast named Kardashian or Hilton). It's just now we put them on television.

  • The commercials for that mess have actually given me nightmares. And as much as I've tried to avoid the whole damned thing, some details have still found their way to me.

    You've got an extreme couponing mom, a child beauty queen fueled on caffeine, and a pregnant 17 year old. It's like this family was carefully engineered for train wreck TV.

    I'm still hoping it'll be canceled after one season. It would renew my faith in humanity if no one watched this.

  • Fredo

    Tear into the tiny lump of claymation with the wig up there that looks as if Chucky grew another foot or so and had curls stapled to its head before being glittered and glitzed like a My Little Pony farted in its general direction?

    No, I can't make fun of her yet.

    Jabba The Pimp on the other hand? With her 1, 2, 3 chins of death, tiny, beady eyes that are desperate for money/fame/Triple Baconators dipped in Blue Cheese (cause Ranch is for uneducated shits) and her fat arms that you know have those horrific, cavernous dimples where her elbows are supposed to be? She's fair game.

  • $27019454

    Do they really make Triple Baconators? Really?

  • COURSE THEY DO!! THIS IS MURCA!!!! LAND OF THE FREE AND HOME OF oof..........well doody. I think my heart just exploded.

  • Maguita NYC

    I can't do it! It is a child, someone who needs protection, especially from her own monstrous parents. Child services should have been all over this a good while ago... But then again to do what?

    The probabilities of Honey Boo Boo being placed in a family, and being taken care of by actual decent and loving people is somewhat dim. So doomed if you do, doomed if you don't.

    And I still blame it all on Jerry Springer. Or rather, our complacent acceptance of Jerry Springer's caricaturization of our inhumanity some 15 years ago, that had sadly become our reality.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I am shocked that I'm saying this but I continue to feel bad for the kid. She's playing the game her mother taught her and she thinks she's winning. She's being "rewarded" with the kind of attention that most of us will never experience (nor would we want to). And to her it is a reward. She's been led to believe that the attention IS the prize. There is no desire for personal growth, no transition to adulthood, there are no goals aside from keeping the attention on herself for as long as she can. I think ultimately that attention will be how she measures her self-worth, if it's not already. But it can't last much longer, and what then? How do you fall when your "top" is everyone else's bottom? I don't know what it will look like but I guarantee you it will be ugly.

    Also: you should never get diabetes before you get a driver's license.

  • $27019454

    ryan, sugar, I upvoted you because you sho is smart on your birfday baby doll!

    Seriously. What ^he^ said. I feel very sincerely, solemnly and snark-free bad for this child.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Thanks again! you're still getting my happy thoughts and good time vibes. They tend to stick around.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    well, not Type 2 Diabetes anyway.

  • Jezzer

    Where was that header picture taken and why didn't they shove the mom out that window?

  • Captain_Tuttle

    I believe that was on the Today show or some such thing. They've gone beyond basic cable.

  • lowercase_ryan

    There are innocents on the street dude.

  • Jezzer

    They would understand and GLADLY give their lives.

  • drupi

    Tear apart the TV execs & advertising "people" who profit from this shit. the late Bill Hicks had the right idea about the latter.

  • NateMan

    I totally disagree there. As contemptible as they are - and they are, indeed, worthy of boundless depths of contempt, and I would not waste my piss on them were they on fire - they don't force anyone to do anything. And if by the first time they see themselves on tv, these inbred dipshits haven't gotten the hell away from the system, they deserve everything they get. And anyone who watches them deserves herpes. At least.

  • Siege

    I still can't do it. Yes, the parents have put the kid out there for public consumption, but that little girl is too young (and too poorly raised, I'd guess) to understand what's going on. Unlike, say, a Teen Mom, this is just a little kid with idiot parents and I feel too sorry for her to mock unrelentingly.

  • L.O.V.E.

    I am really conflicted on this. On the one hand, The Soup's take on these shows is delightful.

    On the other hand, this is a form of child abuse. This is pimping and pandering. This is the celebration of the victimization of a child who cannot by definition give consent.

    If we remove the detachment and distance that television provides, it would be much more difficult for us to take pleasure in watching this little circus clown act like a fool for our entertainment.

    That wretched mother and her child aren't in on the joke. They are either too dense to realize or to self-involved to care that we aren't laughing with them, but at them.

  • NateMan

    The child at least has an excuse. The mother should be - well, I was going to say shot, but these days that's becoming less amusing. So let's go with sterilized, and her family sterilized, and all the malformed, diseased fruit of her womb shipped off to more deserving families. Or, hell, the state system. Because it surely can't fucked them up any worse than their parents are.

  • AmbroseKalifornia

    I'll do it.

  • DeistBrawler

    Having we been tearing her apart for awhile now?

  • e jerry powell

    Not her specifically, no.

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