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Hard to Give, I'm Never Gonna Forget, But Everybody Needs a Little Forgiveness

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (81)



kanye_swift.jpg

I think it’s time we all healed.

Sunday night at the VMA’s, Taylor Swift performed a new, never-before-heard song all about her experience at last year’s ceremony, in which Kanye West… did what Kanye West did.

If you missed it, and I know you’re telling people you did, you minx, here’s the replay:

An old timey TV plays the infamous clip from last year where pretty little Taylor, the happiest girl in the world, goes up to accept her award and the bucket of pig blood falls on her, concussing the Greatest American Hero Kanye West rushes the stage, grabs the mic, and alerts the viewing public that Beyonce had the best video of the year. Allegedly he was going to let her finish, but alas. After that, a barefoot Taylor emerges from the Little House on the Prairie set to sing a song about last year’s harrowing incident.

When the awardus interruptus occurred, Taylor was a 19-year-old girl who was embarrassed at a major event. This had to suck. I’m not going to take that away from her. I felt bad for her, like everyone else did, but what followed was a shitstorm.

It’s easy to look back now and think, “God, who cares?” but at the time, people. fucking. cared. People went nuts. Kanye West got death threats for this. He had to cancel a huge tour with the biggest pop star on the planet because people refused to buy tickets to see him after what he did to that nice country girl.

It is not an exaggeration to say he received a bigger backlash than Chris Brown. Brown had idiot teenagers defending him; West didn’t even have that.

So, here we are, a year later. Swift emerged victorious. She had a shitty night, and that sucks, but people rallied around her like fucking Rocky and her career thrived because of this enormous publicity surge. So what does she do? She writes an incredibly condescending and melodramatic ballad about this event that a year later, as Aziz Ansari said, was actually kind of hilarious. Barefoot and clad in chiffon, she sang lines like “Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days? / Always a bigger bed to crawl into / Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything / And everybody believed in you?” and “Time turns flames to embers / You’ll have new Septembers / Every one of us has messed up too”.

Like… he interrupted you. That’s all. I’m sure it was embarrassing and annoying, but… he interrupted you. That’s it. It was just so not that big a deal. These lyrics imply that this man truly wronged you. All Kanye did was be Kanye. We sure like our celebrities crazy, until they actually do something crazy, then we attack with the torches and pitchforks.

Also, he kind of wasn’t wrong. I mean, I’m not saying Beyonce definitely had the best video of the year, but Swift’s… well, it wasn’t very good. And that’s fine, bless her, she is kind of a tiny mouse person who writes her own music, which I respect and she is very skilled at, though her lyrics often sound like they came out of a 9-year-old’s Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. Also, since Beyonce did win Video of the Year, and is a female, one would imagine she would therefore have to win Best Female Video, but whatever, it’s fine, MTV works in mysterious ways.

Basically, people overreacted. And, yeah, the guy fucked up and acted like an idiot, but he didn’t deserve the level of vitriol that followed. When you write a song like this about such a non-event like this, it is incredibly empty. It’s like finding out Cohen wrote “I’m Your Man” about a fun costume party.

So let us all take this opportunity to do as Taylor would do, and forgive those who have wronged us in the most egregious of ways. I would like to take this opportunity to forgive the most horrific smites ever smote against me.

  • Starbucks, I forgive you for giving me sugar-free mocha this morning when I only asked for sugar-free hazelnut.

  • Twix bar, I forgive your caramel for having hardened, thus ruining the whole candy bar.

  • Guy who cut me off in traffic this morning, I forgive you for having a small penis.

  • TK, I forgive you for all the Human Centipede. But just barely.

  • Liz Phair, I forgive you for everything you did after Exile in Guyville.

  • Jessica Simpson, I forgive you for your cover of Patty Griffin’s “Let Him Fly.”

  • Cary Elwes, I forgive you for getting old and bloated.

    I encourage you to heal as I’ve healed. You will feel lighter. Freer. As though you’ve made as empty a gesture as Ms. Swift. Namaste.

    Follow Courtney Enlow on Twitter, and read her other stuff at HoboTrashcan.com.









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    Comments

    I forgive Cary Elwes. I think he's suffered enough. I mean, just look at him. Poor thing.

    "As you wish..."

    Yeah, I wish you'd get on the elliptical and PUT DOWN THE SANDWICH.

    Posted by: kate the great at September 14, 2010 2:49 PM

  • Oatmeal, I forgive you for giving me gassssss.

    Posted by: Chris at September 14, 2010 2:52 PM

    When I saw the video of her forgiveness song, I thought it was the wrong one. I was expecting an SNL-type comedic bit that would make people laugh, not some self-serious emo bullshit. Get the fuck over yourselves.

    Michael Sheen, I forgive you for being a part of the Twilight movies. I know you have a daughter who you want to impress, and I can't stay mad for long.

    Posted by: Dorothy Snarker at September 14, 2010 2:53 PM

    Sugar, you make me fat, and might give me diabetus, but I can’t stay mad at you!!! Come here, sweetie!!!

    Posted by: Megs at September 14, 2010 2:54 PM

    Hair, I forgive you for sticking up in such a way as to make me look like a puffy Wolverine.

    Posted by: chris at September 14, 2010 2:57 PM

    Alexander Skarsgard, I forgive you for being in the upcoming (and most likely shiteous) Straw Dogs remake & Battleship. Just get a new agent or pick better projects in the future okay?

    Posted by: Snrub at September 14, 2010 2:59 PM

    Ragweed, I forgive you for… no, I just can’t do it! I hold a grudge against you, ragweed! You evil allergen, you!

    Posted by: NoMeshShirts at September 14, 2010 3:00 PM

    LOST, I forgive you for Season 6. Can we agree to forget it ever happened?

    Posted by: Patty O'Green at September 14, 2010 3:03 PM

    I forgive Ellen DeGeneres for making me think she was really funny, and then getting lamer and lamer until all she does is dance, give things away, and promote herself dancing and giving things away.

    Posted by: Mathilda at September 14, 2010 3:04 PM

    Giant thumbs, I forgive you for always hitting the period button instead of the space bar when I'm a-texting.

    Posted by: Kelz at September 14, 2010 3:05 PM

    Taylor, I forgive you for singing your own song instead of singing "Forgiveness" from Just Friends, even though it's a way better song.

    Posted by: MeganTheFirst at September 14, 2010 3:06 PM

    Kanye West, I forgive you for writing a song that says you aren't sorry that you interrupted Taylor Swift - no, wait, actually I don't forgive you for that, because that was kind of awesome.

    Posted by: mightygodking at September 14, 2010 3:08 PM

    Mrs. Julien, I forgive you for being so unapologetically verbose.

    Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 14, 2010 3:08 PM

    NRP had a good article about this today, along the same lines.

    http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129825153

    Between them and you I now know way more about this than I ever would have wanted. I'll forgive you, but not before I perform an interpretive dance about it and post it on Youtube.

    The incredibly awkward pose she's doing in the photo accompanying that article is my favorite part of the performance. It brought the cheese factor to 11. Thanks for posting that, it's great. - CE

    Posted by: katy at September 14, 2010 3:09 PM

    Tyra Banks, I forgive you for having an ego the size of Jupiter. I forgive you for having the wisdom to cast girls with no chance of ever being successful in the modeling industry on your show. I forgive you for cutting all the good girls early so they aren't stuck with your heinous contract on a one-way trip to obscurity. And I forgive your taste level for providing us with a hilarious season of ill-fitting jumpsuits.

    Posted by: Robert at September 14, 2010 3:11 PM

    Misha Collins, I forgive you for making me hook on a cultish b-moviesque TV show, get a twitter account just to follow you, spend my hard-earned money on your charity and develop a new fetish for marathon-runner thighs.

    Posted by: Yan at September 14, 2010 3:15 PM

    TV, I forgive you for me making groggy for work, because I have to stay up late to watch you, because all the good shows are on late and I can’t afford a DVR.

    Posted by: Snoozie Kurt at September 14, 2010 3:17 PM

    That girl in the drive-through, I forgive you for putting mustard and pickles on my burger even though I clearly asked you not to.

    Courtney, your articles are ace. I didn't watch the VMA's, but when I saw the clip of Taylors insipid little performance, complete with a flash back clip to the 'trauma' she experienced last year, I just about puked a mustard and pickled flavored burger all over my computer.

    Posted by: JR at September 14, 2010 3:22 PM

    I didn't ask for your forgiveness, and I don't want it. So cram it, Enlow.

    I regret nothing.

    Human Centipede FOREVER.

    Posted by: TK at September 14, 2010 3:24 PM

    That said, I forgive Bill Murray for Garfield.

    Everyone else can burn for all I care.

    Posted by: TK at September 14, 2010 3:24 PM

    Stephen Colbert, I forgive you for making me spontaneously orgasm at work, today.

    And to the lady in Accounts who yelled at me for giving her a report that wasn't printed on ecological paper: I forgive you for your holier-than-thou attitude and the fact that I later saw you put a plastic bottle in the non-recycling rubbish bin outside the building.

    Posted by: Aislinn at September 14, 2010 3:30 PM

    I'm sorry, but I cannot forgive Taylor Swift, talentless rich kid hack that she is, for occupying any of our airwaves.

    Posted by: meh at September 14, 2010 3:34 PM

    Rick Astley, I forgive you for giving me up and letting me down.

    Emma Stone, I forgive you for not stalking me.

    Posted by: Fredo at September 14, 2010 3:44 PM

    Allie Brosh, I forgive you for taking such a long time to put up new posts, that I have to come back to your site, every day for weeks, because I’m never disappointed when there’s finally a new one!!!

    Posted by: MandatorySexParty at September 14, 2010 3:47 PM

    Santa, I forgive you for your not-realness.

    Boat shoes and madras pants, I forgive you for looking pretentious all the time and getting on my nerves.

    Pizza Hut, I forgive you for making me sick that one time when I was a kid but I still won't eat you ever again.

    Michael Bay, I don't forgive you. Fuck you.

    Posted by: Katers at September 14, 2010 3:52 PM

    Courtney, I forgive you for making me love you!

    Posted by: EveryOneWithTaste at September 14, 2010 3:57 PM

    Taylor Swift, I forgive you for all of your songs sounding exactly the same and all of them being about love.
    I do not forgive the radio for playing them all on repeat over and over and over and over again.

    Posted by: casey at September 14, 2010 4:00 PM

    Forgiveness? FORGIVENESS?! How soon we forget. Oh no, I will NOT succumb.

    HAN SHOT FIRST

    George Lucas - I do NOT forgive you. Nor will I ever. I will go to my grave clutching, close to my chest, my big bag of rocksalt!

    I will forgive my AIX box for making me change my password, today. But that's it. That's as far as I'll go. DO YOU HEAR ME LUCAS?! DO YOU?! MAY YOU BE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY DIGESTED IN THE BOWELS OF THE SARLACC FOR ONE THOUSAND YEARS WHILE YOUR PANTIES ARE FILLED WITH THE FLEAS OF ONE MILLION CAMELS!

    Posted by: lubeg at September 14, 2010 4:10 PM

    George Lucas, I...forgive...you...for...

    I'M SORRY I JUST CAN'T!!!!!

    Posted by: Darth Darko at September 14, 2010 4:14 PM

    I like how you roll, lubeg.

    Posted by: TK at September 14, 2010 4:15 PM

    Big, lumbering, oaf of a cube-mate, I forgive you for taking an eternity to go to the bathroom and leaving all the work for me to finish alone.

    Posted by: Qbert at September 14, 2010 4:18 PM

    Forgiveness FORGIVENESS even if, even if you don’t love me anymore!

    Posted by: Don Henley at September 14, 2010 4:21 PM

    oprah winfrey? for acting like your shit don't stink when it totally does, i give you,
    FOOOOORGIIIIIIIIIIIIVENEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!11111ONE

    YOU get forgiveness and YOU get forgiveness... EVERYBODY GETS FORGIVEEEENESSSSS!!!!

    except you, tyler perry. you really should die in a remarkably hot fire.

    Posted by: stopthemadness aka Angry Black Lady at September 14, 2010 4:22 PM

    stopthemadness aka Angry Black Lady , I forgive, and actually love you for “except you, tyler perry. you really should die in a remarkably hot fire.”

    Posted by: Hahahaha! at September 14, 2010 4:29 PM

    Helen Mirren, I forgive you for National Treasure 2.

    Johnny Depp, I forgive you for both Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

    Taylor Swift: It's totally over. Your navel-gazing, smug self-righteousness has gone too far. Yes, Kanye is a man-child. He was also drunk last year. As it turns out, you are really no better.

    Posted by: bonnie at September 14, 2010 4:31 PM

    Fredo....that was priceless.

    Posted by: greenblue at September 14, 2010 4:32 PM

    Phil Lamarr, I forgive you for being a funky walker, dirty talker.

    Posted by: Nicole at September 14, 2010 4:34 PM

    I forgive everyone on this site who thinks "Love Actually" was a good movie. Sometimes people just aren't responsible for their lack of discernment.

    Posted by: PaddyDog at September 14, 2010 4:37 PM

    I forgive Scooby for eating all the snacks.

    Posted by: Thelma at September 14, 2010 4:45 PM

    I forgive Cheech and Chong for getting the song “Basketball Jones” stuck in my head for 30 years.

    Posted by: Old Hippie at September 14, 2010 4:50 PM

    I forgive PaddyDog for saying something so *obviously* wrong.

    Posted by: Katers at September 14, 2010 4:59 PM

    I forgive the Olmecs for not leaving much information behind when they all died out, thus making it much harder for me to write this paper.

    But I'm still glad they died. I'm petty that way.

    Posted by: Gabs at September 14, 2010 5:02 PM

    American Beauty, I forgive you for fooling 16-year old me into believing you were the best movie ever made. I know better now, and I can forgive you for making me sound like an absolute twat.

    Posted by: nolalola27 at September 14, 2010 5:10 PM

    Don Henley, I forgive you for getting “Heart of the Matter” in my head, bastige.

    Posted by: Chris at September 14, 2010 5:21 PM

    I'm still having a hard time forgiving Cary Elwes. I need to keep working on that one.

    Everyone else gets a free pass today because I'm feeling human for the first time in weeks!!!

    Posted by: NeoCleo at September 14, 2010 5:25 PM

    I forgive any Farging Icewholes who have never seen Johnny Dangerously.

    Posted by: ChrisAgain at September 14, 2010 5:27 PM

    Im sorry but All that Human Centipede is unforgiveable. Entirely and absolutely unforgiveable.

    Posted by: J9 at September 14, 2010 5:29 PM

    Lubeg I think I love you.
    I will never forgive some people for not dying before they got all ugly and made me sad.Or maybe just going off grid to live hermit like on their piles and piles of money.
    AND FUCK YOU TIM KRING YOU ARE NOT FORGIVEN FOR JACKING UP HEROES.

    Posted by: DeckOfficer!! at September 14, 2010 7:04 PM

    * And I really don't forgive myself for being too stupid to sleep with Chris Pine when I had the chance

    Posted by: DeckOfficer!! at September 14, 2010 7:06 PM

    Courtney, I forgive you for stealing my exact thoughts and using them to write an article on Pajiba

    Posted by: Amanda6 at September 14, 2010 8:39 PM

    pants, i forgive you for getting baggy after an hour of wearing you. it's not your fault you're part stretchy.

    Posted by: legs at September 14, 2010 8:39 PM

    I forgive all of you suckers who aren't as good as I am at holding grudges.

    Posted by: SaBrina at September 14, 2010 9:05 PM

    Alan Ball, I don't forgive you for not giving me naked Skarsgard at least one more time before the summer.

    Jon Hamm, I do not forgive you for not being in my pants again.

    I forgive. But I do not forget.

    Posted by: figgy at September 14, 2010 9:19 PM

    Also I forgive everyone who's bitched about a typo today, or about the annoying ads, or about whatever the hell on a post.

    But just for today. Y'all are back on my list tomorrow.

    Posted by: figgy at September 14, 2010 9:20 PM

    I could say that I forgive the antibiotics that caused the birth control of one Mrs. Swift to misfire and result in this sanctimonious faux driven snow nit, but that would be a big steaming one.

    Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besseer at September 14, 2010 11:19 PM

    -Best friend, I forgive you for becoming a crass, classless, pretentious ass since you got married. I do not forgive your spouse.

    -Gay guy I dated in high school, I forgive you for not taking advantage of my nakedness, even though I thought it meant something was wrong with me. I was young, I didn't understand the situation at the time and I thought boobs cured everything.

    -Jeans, I forgive you for torturing me by pressing the button into my abdomen. I'm chubby, I get it.

    -Ear buds, I forgive you for shorting out and shocking me through the ears. Yes, it hurt and now I can't do math, but I know it wasn't on purpose.

    Posted by: ZombieNurse at September 15, 2010 12:01 AM

    I have no idea what I meant by not taking advantage, since you were gay and all. Maybe I just meant thanks for not screaming and running away.

    Posted by: ZombieNurse at September 15, 2010 12:11 AM

    I know what you mean ZombieNurse
    I had a gay boyfriend in HS too. Only he hadn't come out of the closet yet. And I TOTALLY had sex with him. Once. yeah, THAT once. And then developed QUITE a complex when he really wasn't into it again. So it could have been worse! Oh yeah, and he also 'borrowed' money from me, and then stole from my family's business.
    And I TOTALLY don't forgive him.

    I do forgive Cary Elwes though. You can't stay EPIC HOT forever.

    Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 15, 2010 4:33 AM

    I forgive Micheal B..

    Nah, can't do that.

    Posted by: Magiel at September 15, 2010 4:36 AM

    Courtney, Twix is trying to make it up to you, here in the UK at least, by coming out with a sleeker, less caloric version: Twix Fino.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/foodanddrink/foodanddrinknews/7947469/Mars-unveils-new-light-Twix-Fino-without-the-biscuit.html

    I forgive Lost for season 2 and 6, though they still make me writhe with anger, I will one day buy the box set when it's an Amazon Gold box deal in 2012.

    I forgive Karl Urban for Doom because he did wonders for Star Trek.

    I forgive Idris Elba for Prom Night, since he's gone on to be a half decent rapper and star in the superb 'Luther'. See it people!

    I forgive Taye and Ethan for 'Equilibrium'. I do not however forgive screenwriter, Kurt Wimmer.

    Lastly, I forgive Kevin Smith for Cop Out.

    It should be noted, I forgive easily and foolishly watch tons of crap television (but not reality tv, that's too much).

    Posted by: Teresa at September 15, 2010 5:34 AM

    Shoulder Monkey, I forgive you for convincing me it was a good idea to stay out all night, and then stealing the money out of my wallet and shitting in my mouth whilst I was asleep.

    Posted by: hungover at September 15, 2010 9:00 AM

    I forgive myself for being unable to ever get the combination of coffee, sugar and half & half just right, and then having to microwave it because I've over half & halfed it to boot... and always having to drink it too bitter, sweet, light, cold or hot.

    You'd think after over 20 years of drinking goddamned coffee, I'd have figured out how to fix my fucking coffee, but NO, I have NOT.

    But I will follow Courtney's example, and forgive myself. I forgive myself.

    Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at September 15, 2010 9:30 AM

    I forgive David Tennant for leaving Doctor Who. I've grown a liking to both Matt Smith and Karen Gillan. Karen, you can speak to me in that sexy Scottish accent and meet me in my room tonight.

    Posted by: Corey Weaver at September 15, 2010 12:16 PM

    Body, I forgive you for only gaining weight on my belly, so that no matter my weight, I always look four months pregnant.

    Posted by: sarahk at September 15, 2010 12:21 PM

    meganthefirst, I forgive you for getting Forgiveness stuck in my head.

    Posted by: badkittyuno at September 15, 2010 1:01 PM

    Show, I forgive you. I forgive you for sucking me in for two seasons with Pretty But Not Quite Talented numbers one and two, a couple of decent story lines and one or two genuinely creepy episodes. I forgive you for sucking a little in your third season. I even forgive you for dragging me back by killing Pretty #1 in new and interesting ways, and then having the guts to actually fulfill your promises. But I do not, cannot, WILL NOT forgive you for the effing "grace-kidney locked in tree, no wait, a bottle" storyline that you pulled out of your ass and expected me to swallow. I tried, I really did, but no amount of pretty makes up for that. None.


    ...no, no. I can't let the poison of this terrible wrong take me over any longer. I refuse to let it become a black mark on my eternal soul. I forgive you, Show, I do. But I won't forget.

    I also forgive you, Cary Elwes. But looking at you now still makes me sad, so we might have to part ways after all.

    Posted by: elleyezee at September 15, 2010 2:53 PM

    I was trying to think of things to forgive--which means I had to think of things that made me angry. And instead of forgiving, I just became more angry.

    I guess that I forgive myself for not forgiving any of these fuckers that piss me off.

    Posted by: LadyHazard at September 16, 2010 2:34 AM

    Holy a Megan Fox celebrity sex tape just came out today!!!!! lol she looks hot in it though!

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