Following His Latest Box-Office Bomb, Here's the First 5 People I'd Audition to Play Nic Cage in the Movie of His Life

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | October 4, 2014 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | October 4, 2014 |


Nicolas Cage’s misguided, financially risky remake of Kirk Cameron’s Left Behind looks like another box-office bomb for Cage. The good news is, the Cage remake is likely to put up around $8 million its opening weekend, which is twice what the original Kirk Cameron pic did during its entire run. The bad news is, the original only cost $4 million (and made millions, I’m sure, on DVD), while the Nic Cage film cost $16 million. Looks like Cage could not turn out the Christian audience.

Honestly, I have no idea what Cage was thinking, except that the man will star in literally anything. He’s got a castles to pay for, you know? Unfortunately, that strategy has had diminishing returns for Cage, who hasn’t had a $100 million live-action hit since 2007’s National Treasure: Book of Secrets. In fact, four of the last five live-action films he’s made haven’t busted $500,000 at the box-office.

Maybe it’s time the 50-year-old Cage took a few years off and allowed his legacy to blossom further before he makes a return to Hollywood. Sometimes, the best way to do that is to have your very own biopic. From Moonstruck to Wicker Man; from his role in the Coppola family; to his marriages to Patricia Arquette, Lisa Marie Presley, and Alice Kim — the woman half his age who gave birth to their son, Kal El — to his legal issues, as well as the real-estate and tax problems he’s had over the years.

The man’s led a fascinating life. It’s time to put it onscreen. Here’s the first five people I’d audition to play the one-of-a-kind Nicolas Cage.


1. Sam Rockwell, because he’d just absolutely perfect.

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2. Adrian Brody, for those earlier Moonstruck years.

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3. David Schwimmer, for the physical resemblance and marble mouth.

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4. Christian Bale, for Wicker Man alone.

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5. Daniel Day Lewis, because the only person who can really pull off the second finest actor of his generation is the finest actor of his generation.

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