Fighting, Finding Jesus and Biting the Hand that Feeds You: This Week in Child Stardom

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Fighting, Finding Jesus and Biting the Hand that Feeds You: This Week in Child Stardom

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | November 29, 2012 | Comments ()


Well, my friends, it has been a banner week for child stars, let me tell you.

We'll start with Young Angus.

Oh, buddy.

Long story short from THR, for those who've managed to miss this story or don't feel like watching the video:

"Jake from Two and a Half Men means nothing. He is a non-existent character," Jones says in a video for the Forerunner Chronicles, a Christian group. "If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I'm on Two and a Half Men and I don't want to be on it. Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. People say it's just entertainment. Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you'll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch."

Jones continues with the testimonial, intimating that the show is part of the plan of "the enemy" -- presumably Satan. "If I am doing any harm, I don't want to be here," he says. "I don't want to be contributing to the enemy's plan. ... You cannot be a true God-fearing person and be on a television show like that. I know I can't. I'm not OK with what I'm learning, what the Bible says and being on that television show."

Here's the thing. Be it drugs, alcohol, sex or being subjected to Charlie Sheen, something always goes wrong with these kids. Always. The exceptions are either just that, or they're better at hiding it or got help. I've said it before, I'll say it again and again until the day arrives when milk and cookies becomes the new Hollywood fad, fame and the world of celebrity is wholly unnatural, and will fuck you up. It is not a matter of if. It's a matter of how and when. For some, it's blowing rails in a club bathroom (we'll get to her in a second); for some, it's the lord. Why do you think so many celebrities buy into the Wonderful World of Xenu? Because they are susceptible. They are weak, ruined by an extended period of nothing but "yes," "more" and more "yes." When everything is so, so easy, the brain cannot possibly process hard or "no." So, when they inevitably experience some kind of rejection or disappointment, something has to cushion the blow. Angus chose whatever that us up there.

Lindsay has chosen lots of things. This week, it's beating bitches down. Also, she's being charged on three other accounts, related to that time she crashed a Porsche into a big rig and lied about it.

Everything's coming up Lindsay! *throw confetti*

Ever just want to grab someone, shake them and scream "GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER"? That's how I feel about this chick. As much as I think she's an entitled asshole, absent of any and all mental illness, addiction or excuse that leads to this repeated behavior, she's still "one of them." She really is like this for a reason. Not a *good* reason, mind you, and by no means is that an excuse for her actions again and again and again and again and so on and so forth. But, still. It's not like I want to see her OD in an alley or anything.

So, um, this was depressing. Let's end on a high note.

i'm so bored.gif

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • duckandcover

    I seriously go Tyra Banks (reference: over Lindsay Lohan's career and situation. I rooted for her when she was going toe-to-toe with Hillary Duff over that waste of space, Aaron Carter. I enjoyed her fluffy movies, her lovely red hair, those pretty eyes and freckles, and of course, those luscious chest puffs. She worked it in every aspect, girlfriend.

    She is one month older than me. One month. I can't even begin to fathom why she's thrown away her career like she has. Was it really -- was it REALLY -- so tough to do the movies she did? Was it really -- was it REALLY -- worth it to break the good-girl image to dye that pretty red hair an atrocious pukey blonde color, do coke (and whatever else), and unnecessarily lose weight that didn't need to be lost?

    I don't know why she affects me like this, but I go ballistic (thankfully, it's that silent, in-my-head ballistic). Maybe it's because I love Mean Girls. Maybe it's because she's so close in my age group. Maybe it's because I love Taylor/Burton and now she's shit on that with actressin' that's so transparent that Taylor's tragic life is actually Lohan's transposed on top of it, becoming meta without realizing it. I don't know! But she drives me nuts. I wish I could yank her out of that situation and slap her so hard that her freckles hit the adjacent wall. She could've done something with her life.


  • Bodhi

    I completely understand how you feel. I feel the same way & you articulated it much better than I could

  • Pookie

    Ho-Lee-Shit! Angus Jones is up to bat, this motherfucker is going to end up smoking crank and crack out of the same crushed beer can. My only hope is that this fuckers’ long descent is captured on film.

  • zeke_the_pig

    That IS a hell of high note you ended on. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, Please keep piping that imagery into my life.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    I look at these two and all I feel is sad. Unlike the delight provided by The Swinton, even LiLo-Firecrotch-I'm-SO-bored herself only evokes my pity not my ire. Given that her parents are such colossal wastes of skin, her antics are textbook. Angus T. McHalfman just seems like another sad sack who's latched onto some mumbo jumbo in a desperate attempt to fill the void.

    Reminds me of this email meme of funny stories compiled by public defenders about their clients. The email ended with something along the lines of "yeah this shit is funny so we have to laugh, but I know that if even one person in my clients lives had given a damn about them I probably wouldn't be sitting across from them right now." It's maybe a little trite and simplistic, but damn if that doesn't convey the basics.

    Yeah, sorry to bring us all down cause Courtney's shit is funny.

  • e jerry powell

    The only thing I find disturbing about Alison Arngrim are her shoes.

  • googergieger

    I think one of the main reasons I don't join the Catholic church, is that I'd have the worlds most boring confessions. "One of my biggest regrets from high school, is that I didn't get into Magic The Gathering when I had the chance."

  • e jerry powell

    I'm glad I wasn't raised Catholic. The confessors would have to take me in two-hour shifts, all the stuff I got up to starting at age 12.

  • Jezzer

    "I'm glad I wasn't raised Catholic. The confessors would have to take me in two-hour shifts..."

    I... misinterpreted where you were going with that.

  • e jerry powell

    It works either way, trust me.

    Though the second way means more confessions, no?

  • BierceAmbrose

    Wait, confessions are competitive? Oh, the possibilities had I but known.

    Steal other people's booze so they miss out the drunken ranting, lusting & fornicatin, while you rack up a nice theft. Drink it yourself for a 2-fer, or maybe a many-fer depending on how slippery the slope. ("Please, god, grand me 80 proof wax as I bounce through the mogul-field of life ...")

    Sadly, I was raised by bible thumping born-agains. You're just intrinsically corrupt, forever hugged by a god's grace that feels like patronage, seasoned with the perennial suspicion that you didn't *really* love jeebus, for realz, so remember to pack your SFP a billion for the afterlife.

    Well, now I'm envious. Hey' that's a sin. Yay, me!

  • Bodhi

    Hell yeah they are! I went to Catholic school from kindergarden to 12th grade & all (3) of the school I went with held masses that were, several time a year, followed by confession. We all learned very early on that the longer folks drew out confession, the longer we were out of class. High school was the best, though. We ended up missing most of our classes a few times.

    But we were Catholic School kids & were pretty damn bad

  • BWeaves

    I've been an atheist for quite a while, but I still go to Yom Kippur services with my parents if it falls on a Sunday. I get to do my "confession" en masse with everyone else, so nobody knows what I really did.

    I do miss hearing the shofar blow, though. It always gave me chills to hear it. So much so, that when I watched Spike's "Return of the Jedi" a couple of days ago, I yelled Te-Kee-Ahhhhhh at the screen when the Ewoks blew their little shofars.

  • googergieger

    Of course it is competitive! Everyone is always trying to top what the priests just got done doing!

    *two snaps in a circle*

  • Fredo

    “Jake from Two and a Half Men means nothing. He is a non-existent character,”

    This is actually quite true and poignant by Young Angus. Jake means nothing. That show isn't about him or that character. It was about Charlie Sheen. That show could have been "Two Men & A Pizza Place" and it would still have worked.

    As to Courtney's greater points, well, this isn't a new story. It's why people like Drew Barrymore and JGL are considered successes. It's why we hope the Fanning girls, Chloe Moretz or any of the hundreds of kids working in Hollywood have stable, intelligent and capable parents who can provide a solid foundation for them.

    And I don't wish ill on Lindsay Lohan. I just wish her gone. Go away. Far away. Take whatever little cash you've left, buy a ranch in Wyoming and disappear. Get your shit together.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Welp, Disqus ate my wordier comment, so I'll try to keep it short:

    As birdgal says, Barrymore is only a success because she BEAT that sh*t. She was in Lohan territory literally before she hit puberty. Why? Because her MOM foisted all that crap on her. And when you look at some of the better-known child star trainwrecks out there, that's the common thread: parents who care more about their own fame and riches than their kid's well being. The Lohans. The Culkins. The Colemans. The Spearses. And ESPECIALLY the Jacksons. Be it stealing money, physical/emotional abuse, or just general batsh*ttery, the parents have f*cked these kids up.

    Then you look at the ones whose parents you've never heard of: the Goslings, Portmans, Astins, J. Foxes, etc. Their parents stayed out of the road and let their kids do it because the kid WANTED to, and they turned out just fine, if not pretty great.

    Now granted, I've not heard anything about the T. Joneses, but I won't be surprised if I do. And I really hope that girl from Modern Family can get into a better situation before she winds up in the same boat.

    Edit: Turns out that wasn't short at all.

  • llp

    Good note, but just to be that guy, I have to point out that Sean and Mackenzie Astin were parented by John Astin and Patty Duke, who were big stars in their day.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Well then, I guess they were! I didn't even make the connection honestly, even though I'm aware of their parents.

    I wanted to avoid the kids of celebrities because it's a totally different issue there - I'd still think that the parents have a huge part to play in how the kids turn out, but you can't necessarily blame fame-mongering.

  • Rebecca Hachmyer

    My brain is malfuctioning--JGL?? Gimme a hint-- gender?

  • Uriah_Creep

    Please hand in your Pajiba badge. You may get it back when we're convinced you remember every reference made up on the Interwebs.

  • Horvath

    Joseph Gordon Levitt.

  • Lillie

    Joseph Gordon Lewitt. Pretty sure

  • birdgal

    Drew Barrymore was definitely not considered a 'success' for quite a while in her teens/early 20's (Poison Ivy, anyone?). The difference with her is that she's managed to shed her destructive rebellious streak and move on with her life in a meaningful way. I can't quite see Miz Lohan being able to do that though....

  • JenVegas

    It's not so much that she shed it, it's that she survived long enough to grow out of it and get her shit together. maybe she should start her own celebrity rehab center.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    "For some, it’s blowing rails in a club bathroom (we’ll get to her in a second); for some, it’s the lord. "

  • fracas

    Is it that The Lord takes the place of blowing rails, or just the rails in that phrase?

  • chanohack

    One time, Cady Heron punched me in the face... it was awesome.

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