By Jodi Smith | Celebrity | January 21, 2016 |
By Jodi Smith | Celebrity | January 21, 2016 |
If you are old, as I am, you may remember Dave Holmes as the runner-up of MTV’s I Wanna Be A VJ contest in 1998. If you aren’t, then you may know him from his acting, his podcast A Drink With Dave, his FX gig, or his writing. If you don’t follow Holmes on Twitter, then you missed an epic story of how he trolled three telephone scam artists purporting to be from the IRS.
Our story begins with an exhausted Holmes returning to his car after a workout and listened to a voicemail left by a number in Maryland. That message? “This is a final notice from the IRS”. Holmes called the number back, just in case it was real.
A very stern person answered the phone & spoke very quickly: this is in reference to your audit in 2008. (which happened. I owed zero.) 4/20
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
He continued: there is a warrant for your arrest. You face five years in federal prison. We have cancelled your driver's license. (5/20)
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
You owe $5273. We sent a letter to your home in October & nobody was there to receive it. But we left a slip and you never called back. 6/20
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
THIS TELLS US YOU ARE TRYING TO RUN AWAY. ARE YOU ABLE TO PAY THIS MONEY IN FULL TODAY? 7/20
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Me: I'll need to talk to my tax preparer (who they're supposed to contact first anyway). (Also, everything else about this is wrong.) 8/20
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
They said they were going to put me on hold, and then hung up on me. But I had their #, a 20-minute drive ahead of me, and I do improv. 9/20
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I called back in tears. "I was on the phone with one of your agents, and I got disconnected, and I CANNOT GO TO PRISON. PLEASE HELP." 10/20
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
"I HAVE MY CREDIT CARD OUT, BUT MY HANDS ARE SHAKING TOO TERRIBLY FOR ME TO READ IT. WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE HELP ME." 11/20
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
The agent on the phone (a man with a very thick Indian accent whose name was "Officer Eric Johnson") said he could not take my card #. ?/?
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
THEN WHAT AM I TO DO, OFFICER JOHNSON? IF I OWE MONEY, I WANT TO MAKE IT RIGHT IMMEDIATELY. I CANNOT GO TO PRISON. I CANNOT.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I HAVE A FAMILY. I HAVE A JOB. AM I GOING TO BE PULLED OVER AND ARRESTED? Officer Johnson revealed that this was a strong possibility.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
What the IRS needed me to do was this: go to a bank and withdraw $5300 in cash. And stay on the phone with them while I did it.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I agreed. I said (still crying) that I was a five-minute drive from a bank with a drive-thru ATM but that I was driving as fast as I could.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
We stayed on the line together for that whole five minute drive, me and Officer Johnson. I asked how long he'd been at the IRS. 8 years!
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I asked what he did before that, and how he likes the IRS gig. He said: "MR HOLMES I AM BUSY DOING YOUR PAPERWORK." I said: Jeez, of course.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I told him I was pulling up to the ATM to withdraw the money, and he said: YOU CAN'T WITHDRAW THAT MUCH FROM AN ATM. YOU HAVE TO GO IN.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
So I pretended to go into the bank (opened/closed my car door, improvised the whole transaction with a teller voice, THANK YOU! the whole 9)
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I returned to the car, and I said: "Officer Johnson, I have $5300 in a paper bag. Tell me what to do next." He said: hold on.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
He then put me on hold, during which I would imagine there was a 30-second shitty grifter office party.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I was then transferred to his boss, an agent with the same accent who identified herself only as "Officer Debbie."
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Officer Debbie told me I needed to go to a Bank of America and deposit the cash into an account whose number they would give me.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I said: Officer Debbie, isn't it great to be alive in a time when all of this is so easy and intuitive? She agreed that it is.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Officer Debbie then put me on hold, and a bunch of assholes with a burner phone reenacted this performance probably: https://t.co/Yc4MtmSZJQ
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I was then transferred to a guy who announced himself simply as "Agent Paul." Agent Paul was going to give me the account info.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I said: I'll be sure to tell the teller it's for the IRS, so that he or she is extra careful with the numbers and whatnot.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
He said: you are not allowed to do that. This is a federal case, and talking about it is illegal. I said: that makes perfect sense.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I said: I want to make sure we don't get disconnected, so here's what I'm going to do.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I'm going to keep the Bluetooth connected, leave the phone in the car, and keep the car running in the parking lot while I do this.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Agent Paul said: I don't think you should do that. I said: Bluetooth gets weird though. He couldn't really argue with that.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
So I thanked Agent Paul, told him how crisp and professional Officers Johnson and Debbie had been, and went into the bank to transact.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Opened/closed the car door, thought long and hard about a car-theft plot twist with all new characters, but my destination was close.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Opened/closed the door again (I am driving during this, btw) and said: I've done it. I have my receipt. May I read it to you?
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Agent Paul, said, with palpable enthusiasm and relief: You DID? And no, I don't need to read what's on the receipt.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
And then I passed my destination and decided to circle it for a minute. I said: please let me read it to you.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
It says: this is the worst, sloppiest, saddest attempt at a con I have ever experienced, and you should be ashamed.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
You are BAD AT GRIFTING, and you should STOP IT.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
I hope you never get another good night's sleep, not because you are bad, but because you are TERRIBLE AT BEING A CON ARTIST, and
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
…somewhere out there, someone better is going to con YOU, and you're too dumb to see it coming. GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Agent Paul, I swear to God, said: "Please accept my apologies," and hung up the phone.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
And I've thought about it, and I don't accept his apologies.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
You can reach Agent Paul and Officers Johnson and Debbie at 240-523-3767.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
The more time they spend with you, the less time they have to find the one poor shnook who would fall for this and hand over his savings.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Anyway, I'm off to the bank to report this account and routing number. Be good to each other, my friends.
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) January 21, 2016
Go. Follow this man. Found a cult in his honor. @DaveHolmes