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Blake Lively's Response To A Bee Swarm Attack Is Open For Interpretation

By Agent Bedhead | Celebrities Are Better than You | August 29, 2014 | Comments ()


blakeggtrade.jpg

You may have heard that Blake Lively sort of runs her own Goop-esque website called Preserve. She sells specially “curated” clothing and home “essentials.” She writes little letters to her readers. There’s a photo on the home page of an Asian-inspired red quinoa salad. I’d probably eat the hell out of it.

Preserve makes little sense as a cohesive website. It’s difficult to navigate and contains weird state of the bikini addresses. I don’t understand Blake’s mission except to busy herself in the last days of her flagging acting career. One can’t sit around and polish Ryan Reynolds’ abs all day, every day. Blake seems harmless and not without a sense of humor. Her latest essay is mystifying. She was stung by a swarm of bees, which deflated her butt. She’s speaking metaphorically about the aging process? I don’t know. Here’s a few paragraphs. Maybe you can figure it out:

I spent the week leading up to my big day shooting content for Preserve’s coming months. Just yesterday, the final day of the shoot, I felt an electric shock of energy— was it excitement that I was about to turn another year older? Was it nerves? Why did it feel like agony? I like getting older… I think.

But this felt terrible. Does your butt quite suddenly (and painfully) deflate when you turn 27? Because mine hurt like hell …then my neck, back, legs and forehead. And oh my hands! They were shriveling. It felt like I was being shot by dozens of tiny invisible darts. I felt like the Wicked Witch, melting, melting, burning, melting.

As it happens, I wasn’t being greeted by the onset of spontaneous aging, but rather a full-fledged bee day. Attacked. All over. Everywhere.

I don’t know enough about insects to say if they were wasps, honeybees or Mother Nature’s miniature flying tasers. What I DO know, is that just moments before we were in the midst of a gorgeous fall fashion shoot. Now, I was a Monty Python sketch; running at top speed in no particular direction, whipping my arms and h ands around like I’d just discovered they were growing out of my shoulders without my previous knowledge. There was a terrible sound piercing the air too… I was later informed this sound had emanated from my very own mouth. I’d prefer to never hear it again. Along with everybody else on the East Coast.

[From Preserve]

Despite the horror described above, Blake was fine. I can’t understand how she was immediately okay because — even if one isn’t allergic to bees — being stung by an entire swarm can really mess a person up, right? I don’t speak from experience, thank god. The full article recounts the bee swarm attack and then heads into weird territory. Such as … what did Blake do to “recover”? She threw herself a “fake” birthday party. She decorated a cake and made flower-shaped, ice-cream sundaes. She pulled out her necklaces that look like gum drops. She lit candles that smell like hot fudge. She rambles about how candy sprinkles represent getting older, and she’s cool with it. Her sign off: “How old will you bee today?”

That’s enough, Blake Lively. I’ll stick with looking at the pretty photos of food.







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Helvetica

    Gosh, her writing style is insufferable. I would hate to read an entire book by her. :/

  • competitivenonfiction

    "One can’t sit around and polish Ryan Reynolds’ abs all day, every day." I think I can prove you wrong here. I really do.

  • Coolg82

    Yeah, I can't even. I don't think anyone could even this. Also, with the plastic surgery she has had, any deflation could be a malfunction she needs to check out. Thats not necessarily a joke, as she seems to have a rather terrifying view on aging.

  • AvaLehra

    "Where are his glasses? He can't see without his glasses!" Sorry, any mention about a bee attack always brings me back to Thomas Jay.

  • Berry

    Too soon!

  • heittskomm

    ...what does Monty Python have to do with this, Blake??

  • Ziver

    I imagine it as simply her way of establishing some comedy cred. Look! She knows about Monty Python!

  • heittskomm

    I just realized she also made a Wizard of Oz reference. That is enough, Blake. You really are doing THE MOST.

  • Emily Smith

    Yeah, that part confused me too. I mean, the way the whole thing was written confused me, but that part stood out.

  • Dove of Doom

    I feel bad for Blake that she suffered such an attack, but at least she used her pain as fuel for her art. The pen truly is mightier than Mother Nature's miniature flying tasers.

  • Berry

    Silly Blake, complaining about a few trifling bee stings. I met a woman couple of weeks ago who had been stung by sixty wasps. She had the right to talk about pain, Blake doesn't.

  • wonkeythemonkey

    If they were yellow jackets, or some wasp-cousin of them, they aren't quite the same as bee stings. They burn like hell, and then they turn into welts much like mosquito bites, but about four times bigger. The stinger does not remain in your skin, unlike with bees. With some ice and some Benadryl, it would be fairly manageable once the initial pain died down.

    I'm guessing that the shoot was cancelled on account of painful, ugly welts, and she went and ate cake and ice cream instead.

  • kirbyjay

    To all bee sting victims. Remove stinger. Make a paste of baking soda and water. Apply liberally ( really clump it on) to sting. Pain is gone

  • emmalita

    Her discription of herself running from the bees was funny and relatable, but then she totally lost me with the birthday party.

  • kirbyjay

    That's because celebrities are better than you.
    They experience childbirth as
    "The miracle of life, reflecting on their and their progeny's proper place in the universe, blessedly free because they have willed their minds to look past the pain and focus on this wondrous experience " (as they have their assistants smuggle in drugs without their images being sullied by actually taking pain killers during birth )
    not the disgusting, pain riddled, exhausting, yucky mess it really is.
    They experience child rearing as
    " Wonderment. Learning through their child's eyes, feeling love beyond what is human, changing their lives for the better, becoming selfless as they devote themselves to their precious babes, laughing merrily when they share their sweet angel's latest bon mot with their adoring fans via twitter" (usually while they are in Paris for the latest magazine shoot and the 5 nannies juggle their one child, and the writer they hired to supply the bon mots is tweeting them) )
    Not the disgusting, pain riddled, exhausting, yucky mess it really is.
    They experience healthy living and exercise as
    " Not something they have to think about because they were blessed with a great metabolism and by managing their weight chasing that boisterous two year old, and whipping up healthy gourmet meals in their gourmet kitchens because they just love to cook, and by just "staying active" ( as they rush off to their latest botox appointment while their assistants are off to the ghetto to score their cocaine ).
    not the disgusting, pain riddled, exhausting yucky mess it really is
    and
    They experience bee assaults by
    " Imagining it's a growth moment, an eye opener to the ways of nature, an uncomfortable experience but a necessary one, and recovering with a birthday party, filled with the latest products on their web sites, to celebrate their existence" ( while they're demanding the assistant score some Oxy IMMEDIATELY and then alert the media )
    Not the disgusting, pain riddled, exhausting yucky mess it really is.

  • Berry

    I'll take it as a sign not to read the rest of the story, because I kind of want to like her this week. And I can't lie, even the description of the party is a bit much. And then she wins me back again with a bee pun.

    Sigh. How hard it is to decide whether to like a stranger you only know trough their public persona or not. And it's such an important decision too!

  • emmalita

    It really is. I feel your pain. I really do.

  • sherryb23

    I do agree with the flailing and running part--reminds me of an old Ellen Degeneres routine where she describes what it probably looks like when you run into a spider web with all the waving your hands and in general looking like a lunatic.

  • sherryb23

    Granted, I don't get her whole website endeavor to begin with but the part that struck me as really weird was: How do you not immediately realize that you are being stung by a swarm of bees?! I've been stung a few times and I bloody well realized that it was a frickin' stinging insect, not an aging process. And if there were that many...yeah, I give up. Maybe they had to put her on some epic codeine for the pain and that explains the whole post.

  • Yeah, being doped out of her gourd while writing this seems way more plausible.

    Would also explain the fake birthday party too.

  • sherryb23

    I bet she had fun with her imaginary friends...

  • Berry

    Imaginary friends are the best. Edit Just ask Marisa.

  • sherryb23

    I've been giggling at this for a few minutes now. :)

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