Baby Bumps, Real and/or Imagined: You Guys. Seriously. Hollywood is F*cked Up.
There’s a fine line between Hollywood scandals and bad soap opera plots. Sometimes, there is no line. Only fake babies.
Do not look at me like that. I’m merely reporting.
Rumors have circulated for weeks now that Beyonce is faking her pregnancy. From those alleging a prosthetic bump used at the VMA Awards (which she completely hijacked with her bumpness) to yesterday’s much screencapped Australian talk show appearance, during which her allegedly protruding uterus actually folded over on itself as she sat down.
I’ve yet to obtain one of those giant belly things just yet, but I don’t think they do that. Or, maybe they do and I sound no better than those people who were all “yeah, fire totally can’t melt steel, 9/11 was an inside job.”
Whatever. Here’s the video. Skip to 0:54.
This is not the first “fake baby” scandal. Not even in recent years. Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman were both rumored to have feigned their way through at least part of their respective pregnancies, both having learned great lessons from Tom “I totally love vagina” Cruise.
Do I, not-rich writer and litigationphobe, believe they faked their pregnancies? I have no response to such an immature and hateful question. But here’s Katie Holmes pregnant.
Assuming anyone in Hollywood has ever actually faked an entire pregnancy, why would they do such a thing?
1. It makes cold and distant celebrities suddenly seem warm and kindly, widening their fanbase.
2. Massive amounts of publicity. Bitches love babies.
3. Pregnancy makes you fat. Not actually getting pregnant doesn’t.
I know that third one seems like a really shitty overstatement, but, seriously, do you know what shit these people do to stay thin? Hell, Renee Zellweger allegedly hooks herself up to an IV for a week prior to major events. Skinny is their job. Babies make you not skinny. So, if you want one, for pure or professional reasons, but don’t want to actually gain an ounce, lest it ruin your career, why not let someone else do the dirty work?
Babies as a commodity is really fucked up. But, in the incredibly fucked up world of celebrity, it actually makes sense. Because the insanely weird and involved fanbases of famous females does not seem able to comprehend how these women go on in life so unfulfilled, absent of child. Mark my words, Jennifer Aniston doesn’t fucking want kids. But her army of Midwestern housewives that sees her movies and keeps her rich, they don’t get that. Look at any comment thread on a People Magazine article proclaiming for the 100th time that Jen’s finally found love. They are so fucking happy, you guys. They want so badly for her to just get knocked up already. To be complete. Because as fucked up as Hollywood is, real people are just as bad.
So, did these chicks pull off the elusive “fake baby” maneuver? Who knows. But I can’t wait until they bring in the evil twin.
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