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Baby Bumps, Real and/or Imagined: You Guys. Seriously. Hollywood is F*cked Up.

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (42)

did-beyonce-really-fake-her-baby-bump.jpg

There’s a fine line between Hollywood scandals and bad soap opera plots. Sometimes, there is no line. Only fake babies.

Do not look at me like that. I’m merely reporting.

Rumors have circulated for weeks now that Beyonce is faking her pregnancy. From those alleging a prosthetic bump used at the VMA Awards (which she completely hijacked with her bumpness) to yesterday’s much screencapped Australian talk show appearance, during which her allegedly protruding uterus actually folded over on itself as she sat down.

I’ve yet to obtain one of those giant belly things just yet, but I don’t think they do that. Or, maybe they do and I sound no better than those people who were all “yeah, fire totally can’t melt steel, 9/11 was an inside job.”

Whatever. Here’s the video. Skip to 0:54.

This is not the first “fake baby” scandal. Not even in recent years. Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman were both rumored to have feigned their way through at least part of their respective pregnancies, both having learned great lessons from Tom “I totally love vagina” Cruise.

Do I, not-rich writer and litigationphobe, believe they faked their pregnancies? I have no response to such an immature and hateful question. But here’s Katie Holmes pregnant.

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Assuming anyone in Hollywood has ever actually faked an entire pregnancy, why would they do such a thing?

1. It makes cold and distant celebrities suddenly seem warm and kindly, widening their fanbase.

2. Massive amounts of publicity. Bitches love babies.

3. Pregnancy makes you fat. Not actually getting pregnant doesn’t.

I know that third one seems like a really shitty overstatement, but, seriously, do you know what shit these people do to stay thin? Hell, Renee Zellweger allegedly hooks herself up to an IV for a week prior to major events. Skinny is their job. Babies make you not skinny. So, if you want one, for pure or professional reasons, but don’t want to actually gain an ounce, lest it ruin your career, why not let someone else do the dirty work?

Babies as a commodity is really fucked up. But, in the incredibly fucked up world of celebrity, it actually makes sense. Because the insanely weird and involved fanbases of famous females does not seem able to comprehend how these women go on in life so unfulfilled, absent of child. Mark my words, Jennifer Aniston doesn’t fucking want kids. But her army of Midwestern housewives that sees her movies and keeps her rich, they don’t get that. Look at any comment thread on a People Magazine article proclaiming for the 100th time that Jen’s finally found love. They are so fucking happy, you guys. They want so badly for her to just get knocked up already. To be complete. Because as fucked up as Hollywood is, real people are just as bad.

So, did these chicks pull off the elusive “fake baby” maneuver? Who knows. But I can’t wait until they bring in the evil twin.









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Comments

I saw that clip. No way was that a real bump. Fake baby.

Posted by: Meander at October 11, 2011 2:04 PM

So, fake baby bumps are made out of Memory Foam?

Posted by: buell at October 11, 2011 2:15 PM

What? I thought babies were all pliable and shit. Can't you fold one in half?

Posted by: Lemon Poundcake at October 11, 2011 2:16 PM

....I hate to say it, because it's ALWAYS wrong and it's an ugly thing to accuse a woman of, but the way that bump...moved, IS rather odd.
At first I thought it was maybe a rib seam in the dress or something, but mostly it looks like a rubber ball that collapsed inwards briefly.
Maybe it's just the way the dress hitched or maybe she's got spanks on and they rode up funny.(Spanks are a UK name for those..body contouring pants you wear under your dress that strap all your wobbles in)
Preggo celebs always be using spanks yo. And maternity spanks ARE a thing, maybe the belly bump part just moved in a funny way and her baby isn't apparently inside a half deflated beachball.

Posted by: Nadine at October 11, 2011 2:18 PM

In a very short period of time (like, three weeks or so) after giving birth, I weighed 20 lbs less than I did pre-pregnancy.

This is nothing I can claim as a personal accomplishment. It happened because I could barely keep anything down during the first three months of pregnancy, and then I really didn't gain much during pregnancy. I was eating normally after the first trimester. So, once all that fluid was flushed from my body, plus with the hectic schedule of a newborn and added energy demands of breast-feeding, I lost weight without trying at all. One of two times I've ever really lost weight, btw -- the other time I was too broke to afford anything better than eggs, ramen and peanut butter.

Just to let you know that pregnancy doesn't automatically make you fat. It does take its toll on your body, but it doesn't always leave you heavier than you started.

Posted by: Wednesday at October 11, 2011 2:20 PM

Hmm. I don't know about fake behbehs...but I do know that I'm due before Beyonce and she looks WAY bigger than I do. But a month ago when she announced, she looked WAY smaller.
So...that tells me...nothing. Except for I'll be paying slightly more attention to that whole business.

Posted by: melisseh at October 11, 2011 2:24 PM

There is NO WAY it's memory foam. Memory foam doesn't spring back into place like that. If it's a sponge at all it's the springy kind you use to clean plates with, that shit springs back super fast, memory foam would take time to unfold, not ages, but a few seconds at least. That just popped back in to place.


After a few viewings you could MAYBE argue that her dress rode up over her hose or like I said above, some kind of spanks type underwear, she seems to tug it back in to place at the end. And I'll say this, she WALKS EXACTLY LIKE A PREGNANT WOMAN so if she is faking, she's doing a pretty decent job of that side of it. Shoving a cushion up my dress doesn't make me waddle like that, but I'd imagine several pounds of extra weight might. Which would mean she's wearing a fake belly the weight of a real baby which is so springy it can distort and fold in half only to spring back to place in a blink of an eye. So...she maybe is just preggo, you guys.

Posted by: Nadine at October 11, 2011 2:24 PM

I saw the pictures and wondered if she was wearing padding not to look pregnant but to look MORE pregnant. Some women have a belly (I hate the word "bump" in this context) at five months, some just look like they had a bacon cheeseburger for lunch.

I wouldn't put enhancing OR faking it past Beyonce, who is also famous for finagling songwriter credits on songs she did not actually write.

Posted by: Intern Rusty at October 11, 2011 2:25 PM

I...maybe she's pulling her dress down? it kind of looks like her dress rode up on something(I really think it's spanks you guys) and she pulls it down. Her 'oops' look up at the end is, I think, her checking she didn't just flash her host.

But someone raised the point, she doesn't sit like a pregnant woman would, lowering herself backwards, she drops into a low chair like it aint no thing. But then she does go sideways/back as she settles, as if there is a big bump...so she waddles like a pregnant woman but doesn't sit down like one, but then actually SITS like one. Maybe she's not AS pregnant as she claimed? Like she IS preggo but not THIS preggo? I don't even KNOW you guys. It's weird. This video is weird. Why does it do that? Is it her dress? It must be her dress. WHY WOULD YOU FAKE THAT? Why fake a baby? Adopt a baby! I realise you might actually be adopting a baby, sort of, but just OPENLY ADOPT A BABY.

Katie Holmes was for serial never preggo though, look at that ridiculous bump, are you joking? Suri is OF HER DNA and of Tom's...OF them. In the same way Dolly the Sheep was OF her mother...Dolly 1.0?

Posted by: Nadine at October 11, 2011 2:34 PM

Intern Rusty, OH! It could totally be an attempt to...tidy up her bump! Look more...pleasantly pregnant. Because not everyone gets a gorgeous bump like hers and you're right, she's the kind to...tidy things.


I honestly feel though, Beyonce of all fucking people would be able to afford a better fake bump than that, if it was fake. She's fucking Beyonce. At the very least her mother could have crafted one that didn't collapse. Something's up but I think Beyonce would have a better fake baby than that.

Posted by: Nadine at October 11, 2011 2:37 PM

To be fair (and I rarely am) I think the wind is blowing up Katie's shirt and puffing it out.

Posted by: AJ at October 11, 2011 2:41 PM

Whatever. Here’s the video. Skip to 0:54.

And who doesn't love some old-fashioned nonsensical speculatin'!

Back pain... and to the left... back pain... and to the left...

Posted by: branded at October 11, 2011 2:42 PM

I hear you Wednesday. I'm 19 weeks and I weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy. Every body is going to react differently every time.

I think the most likely thing is that she wanted to do the grand reveal at the VMAs, so she is stuffing to showcase it. But to be fair, I barely care. I just hope it isn't fictional, because that would be crazy sad. Or crazy/sad.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at October 11, 2011 3:06 PM

I'm with Intern Rusty - I think she may have padded to either even out the belly or maybe fit the dress better (that bizarre 3-5 month phase when you aren't as big as a house yet but you can't zip up your pants either).

As for Katy Holmes, y'all I looked EXACTLY like her. No ass, no hips, no fat anywhere but it looked like I swallowed someone else's baby. No diet or excersise either, I just held it ALL up in front like a hormone-addled FUPA.

Posted by: the other Courtney at October 11, 2011 3:13 PM

I really don't know or care whether she's pregnant or not, but one thing is for sure:

That woman sure loves some attention. And so I wouldn't put it past her to have set her people to start the rumors, and all this shit is just staged to get her some MORE attention.

I mean,everyone has babies woman. It's not that big a deal.

Posted by: Figgy at October 11, 2011 3:28 PM

...If you were pretending to be pregnant, I'd fake the baby walk too. Shoot, I do the pregnant walk after a really big meal when I want to play around, so it's completely viable that she's faking it all IF she's faking it. I don't care either way. I like reading the gossip but I wouldn't be surprised if it were fake. Even if she admitted it, people that love her will still love her.

Posted by: Rose at October 11, 2011 3:29 PM

Oops! I meant, "If I were pretending to be pregnant..."

Posted by: Rose at October 11, 2011 3:31 PM

Rose you make an excellent point, but why remember to do the preggo waddle then fluff the sit down?

I do think she's maybe 'shaping' her belly, which is something I've heard people doing before, or maybe making it a little bigger, yes, for the VMA reveal, because lets face it, it was kind of a show stopper. But she...I don't think I believe Beyonce would be so...twisted.

Posted by: Nadine at October 11, 2011 3:39 PM

You know Nadine, I was actually having that same thought. It's more to be showy and to "steal the show". She might be preggers but not showing enough belly. Or I don't know. Maybe she just had a really big meal. Either way, it has brought a lot of attention to her and as much as her rep states that this is "Stupid and ridiculous" (Paraphrasing a bit, just a BIT), it has gotten her a lot of attention. And although not all pregnant women get fat, even the thinner ones I've seen have got the pregnant face. You know what I'm talking about! It really could could be either or. I kind of make it a rule to not put anything past any celebrity nowadays.

Posted by: Rose at October 11, 2011 3:52 PM

I'm saying!!I know women who've gotten pregnant, lost weight, but still get the pregnant face, it's like the face is less to do with weight and maybe just hormonal! I'm pretty sure by her fifth kid my mum could tell she was pregnant before she had any other signs cos her face would already have that...really quite lovely puffiness, tobefair!
But Beyonce is all CHEEKBONES.

I think she IS preggo, she's not so insane as to fake the entire thing. But maybe she's not AS pregnant as she's making out. And lets face it, first time mothers don't always show for a while. My friend described going to bed relatively flat tummied(For a mother to be who by then had started gaining the weight) then waking up the next day and it was like her stomach had popped outwards. So yeah, I wonder if Beyonce wanted to do the big reveal at the VMA's but didn't have the tummy to show for it yet and...bumped things up a little. And she has to keep that consistent even if it infers her baby will be born roughly three feet tall.

Posted by: Nadine at October 11, 2011 4:02 PM

This is it; We've hit the zenith of weird, the apex of fuckery, the pinnacle of disturbing bad shit.

Posted by: klingonfree at October 11, 2011 4:23 PM

I bet you they're using a surrogate. She probably doesn't want to hinder any concert dates, performance opportunities, girlish figure, etc. - when they could easily pay someone to carry the baby for them. And sadly, celebrities who use surrogates don't get as much publicity as celebrities who are pregnant with their first child. She's probably adjusting her bump pad per the surrogate's pregnancy.

Posted by: readrick at October 11, 2011 4:29 PM

So what we are theorizing here is that this woman is faking a pregnancy for months on end everytime she is in public because she is too rich, thin-obsessed and lazy to carry a baby herself; moreover, she is not willing to have a surrogate be pregnant for her and take the "we had issues and this woman gave us a beautiful gift" route to deflect from her unwillingness to be pregnant; and, furthermore, despite being rich as Croesus and married someone even more enCroesusened, she decided to fake a pregnancy and didn't bother to spend the necessary money to either buy a good quality fake baby bump or clothes which would hide said prosthetic bump properly.

Y'all be buggin'.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 11, 2011 4:31 PM

Crazier things have happened. Like, I said, I do not doubt the craziness in people's heads- celebrities or not.

Posted by: Rose at October 11, 2011 4:38 PM

NO Mrs Julien; SHE TOTALLY BE PREGNANT She's just LESS pregnant than she claims because bigger bump equals moar months of people throwing around for bump shots and ultimately her baby surpasses Suri in 'babies everyone wants the first pictures of' and she will make MILLIONS and her baby will be adorable, to be fair. If it looks like her. Entirely like her. Oh Jay-Z.

Posted by: Nadine at October 11, 2011 4:39 PM

If she isn't really pregnant that was some fucking fantastic acting by Jay-Z at the VMAs. Dude looked so happy.

Posted by: the chaplain at October 11, 2011 5:46 PM

All I know is the bump appears and disappears all throughout her newest music video. Curious.

Posted by: Robert at October 11, 2011 5:52 PM

I believe SOME but not most famous women have faked or padded their pregnancy ESPECIALLY if the two Mrs. Cruises Nicole because she probably is infertile and Katie because she may have fudged her due date.
Beyonce is probably not faking there were photos of her in a bikini but is probably padding to extend the attention.

Posted by: eris at October 11, 2011 7:09 PM

Ok ok I'm lost with the whole Nicole Kidman thing. Didn't she let everyone know she used a surrogate for her second child? Why would she fake her first pregnancy but not her second? Am I thinking of the wrong person here?

This entire thing confuses me.

Posted by: Holly at October 11, 2011 7:34 PM

She's certainly got the preggo boobs. Did she have THOSE before?

Posted by: , at October 11, 2011 8:51 PM

Has anyone here seen a pregnant woman in the morning as opposed to the night time? A woman at 4-5 months is at an awkward stage. I have seen coworkers grow from 9am to the end of the day at 6pm.
The preggo boobs are easy to achieve. The right push up bra works just lovely.
I will say this, the woman has costume designers that make her costumes that push those boobs just under her chin, make stockings and design shoes which keep her dancing for 90 minutes of a concert. A weave that lasts for that lasts twice as long. She could absolutely afford an amazing fake belly that could make it through an interview if she wanted one.

Posted by: daria at October 11, 2011 9:22 PM

I can't believe we're debating this. And I can't believe I'm going to comment on it, but apparently I am. The dress clearly hiked up when she sat down. Clearly. Has no woman ever sat down in a shift dress and had it NOT hike up? Because I know every time I have ever sat down in a shift, maternity or no, the damn dress bunched up. So maybe Beyonce is padding a little bit to fill out her clothes at an awkward stage of her pregnancy. When I was at the stage she is, I looked like I'd had a few too many hamburgers. I WISH I'd had the brilliant idea to pad my belly for a few weeks until I was noticeably showing. As for the way she sits, she's not necessarily big enough to do the pregnant sit. Every woman's body is different. The baby could be sitting on her hips and back in such a way that causes her to waddle but not to half-squat to sit down.


....Why am I still talking about this? I have, like, work and shit to do.

Posted by: stardust at October 11, 2011 9:40 PM

While she looks not-at-all fat, Beyonce certainly has put on some pounds since the bump reveal, especially in the boob region. I think the dress rode up and she maybe has something to round out a bump.

On a side-note, can we not say things like, "She's not THAT pregnant." You either are or you are not. We don't know how far along she is exactly, but she has been totally pregnant since conception and will stay very pregnant till the baby is born.

Posted by: Darbie at October 11, 2011 10:00 PM

stardust, you are dead on!!

I am preggo with my third. i am 10 weeks. I have a fucking belly yo. It is a bit of fat from the last baby (only 10 months old) but my fricking body is all "oh, you wanna play this game again beeyotch? BOOM BELLY. Where are the elastic pants?!"

My second kid would pop in and out like a jack in the box. Belly on Monday, nuthin on Tuesday. Maternity Jeans wednesday, old jeans thursday. until I was 6 months I had no consistency.

And it was 100% her dress.

Posted by: lilianna28 at October 11, 2011 10:14 PM

SJP admitted to using a surrogate and now that the kids were born, people are finding the whole thing strange. Like the twins weren't technically hers.

I think Bey's pregnant, but the nose swelling that preggy women suffer is being dealt by Jay Z, that's how much he loves her.

Posted by: Adrien at October 11, 2011 10:16 PM

When I first saw the video, I did think it was a fake bump folding in on itself, but watching it again it just looks like the dress scrunched up and then she pulled it down. That's what made her belly look hollow and weird.

I do think that she has used a prosthetic, though. Her belly changes size too dramatically. She shouldn't have done that because now people are trying to find clues and excuses to say she's a crazy bitch who's too self centered to carry a child.

Posted by: kayla at October 12, 2011 1:27 AM

I am starting to think her dress rode up. She IS preggo, her walk and bewbs prove that, and in the nicest way, her butt is a pregnant womans butt. It still looks great, but it is a pregnant womans arse.

But I do think she's shaped her tummy to look nicer at the stage of pregancy when, as mostof our wonderful Pajibettes inform me above, the belly looks less like an adorababy and more like a cheeseburger baby.

Posted by: Nadine at October 12, 2011 4:10 AM

Unless Rachel Zoe has 3D home video footage of her child ripping apart her birthing hole, that whole thing was in no way real.

Posted by: Bitch O'Donnell at October 12, 2011 8:08 AM

Aaand THIS is why I'm happily awaiting the collapse of Western civilization and the vapid celebrity culture that goes with it.

Now take a deep breath, and take a moment to ask yourself: do I give a fuck.

...you do? Then you're part of the problem. Everyone else, move along.

Posted by: raouldukejr at October 12, 2011 1:14 PM

stardust and lilianna28, youse right.

...and raouldukejr prolly is too. Shit.

Posted by: melisseh at October 12, 2011 3:20 PM

i'm a gossip addict but i never believed the "fake pregnancy" Hollywood conspiracy .

Posted by: carrie at October 12, 2011 6:35 PM

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Posted by: Rennick at November 11, 2011 3:57 AM