An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan and Oprah
film / tv / lists / guides / news / love / celeb / video / think pieces / staff / podcasts / web culture / politics / dc / snl / netflix / marvel / cbr

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan and Oprah

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | August 19, 2013 | Comments ()

1376402106_oprah-winfrey-lindsay-lohan-467 (1).jpg

Dear Lindsicles,

Last night, your interview with Oprah premiered. It was pretty much par for the course for you—softballs with half or deflected answers, and no real push for accountability or more than the standard, pat responses you’ve given time and time again. I don’t know why I expected more. But, at the very least, you know how to give the right answers. And, I hope, I really do hope, that maybe this time you meant them.

I really do wish good things for you, Lindsay. I do. You’ve been a giant mess of a child your whole life, and I hope, under the booming bosoms of Oprah Winfrey, you make a change. Or, that you want to make a change. Because, and this is a major possibility, you could just be doing this, AGAIN, because you know that if you don’t, you don’t stand a chance. That if you don’t at least appear contrite, no one will hire you for anything more than the shitshows you’ve been grabbing paychecks off for the past six years or so. It’s Lifetime movies and porn stars from here on out.

Now, let’s be real here—no one believes you about only doing coke “10 to 15 times.” I believe you probably remember only 10 to 15 times, but it’s probably a lot more. And, the issue may be one of specificity here, because perhaps you smoked it, or engaged in what the kids call a crack rock or a meth…thing. Whatever you call what you do with meth. But, regardless, drinking was not your sole problem and we all know it. And that’s fine. Most of alcoholics are not merely alcoholics; they’re general addicts, addicted to anything that makes them feel different. You don’t have to be honest with us; but, be honest with yourself.

And, finally, don’t fuck with Oprah. If you aren’t doing this for reasons entirely on the up and up, that bitch’ll turn coat on you fast. Ever heard of James Frey? Yeah.

I haven’t been your biggest supporter. I still wouldn’t say that I am. But, if you really want to get better, I hope you do. I hope your life is better after all of this.

Dear Oprah,

Not unlike Cher Horowitz before you, you have taken this broken bird of a project under your stronger, more fabulous wings. And I can’t decide if this is honorable and goodly, or a massive ratings grab for your flagging network. Maybe both. Probably both. Either way, I guess, be careful. Because one of two possibilities exists here:

1) You’ve taken in a desperately ill person and are attempting to give her the tools to create a better life for herself. Which is great, but, if only Oprah can save you, what do you do when Oprah isn’t around to save you, when Oprah’s saving other people, like African schoolgirls, or John Travolta after a bad hair graft. This is a massive undertaking. At least, it should be a massive undertaking. And, if you’re not all in, it doesn’t end well for either of you.

2) You’ve taken a failure of a human being, neither addict nor unwell person, and given her her 85th chance at fame and public attention. This doesn’t end well for either of you, either.

Let’s roll the dice and see how this goes, ladies. Good luck to both of you. You’ll need it.

10 Movies That Made Hundreds of Millions in Box-Office Dollars And Yet Somehow Showed No Profit | Maine's Governor Says President Obama "Hates White People," Continues To Be The Country's Worst Governor

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • where's_wallace

    A friend and I happened to be talking about Oprah a couple days ago, and she told me about her college roommate, who was an attention getting liar (for example, she told her friends and family that she had terminal cancer, let them agonize about it for a couple weeks until school counselors stepped in and informed everyone that she was in fact, very well) that somehow was able to get Oprah to fund and feature her Disney princess wedding on one of her shows. Now, I know that Oprah is constantly looking for heartwarming stories to bring to the masses, but this particular story that was featured didn't save anyone's life or give a girl her dying wish. Oprah simply gave this undeserving chick a Disney princess wedding and honeymoon because her fiance asked for it. My friend and I were both baffled. Perhaps she needed to fill in air time? Who really knows. Perhaps she and her team are just too busy to really investigate the character of every person that comes crawling to Miss O with their hands held out?
    Not everything Oprah does is to be saintly. She has a TV show to run, after all.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    The most amazing part of this story is the fact that asshole roommate found a dupe to marry her, especially given she wanted to be a Disney princess for the wedding.

  • ,
  • John G.

    Isn't James Frey only as famous as he is, because of the Oprah fight. I wouldn't know who this author from 2006 was, just some guy who wrote yet another memoir about addiction, if it wasn't for Oprah making such a big deal about his "betrayal". Lindsey can only hope she gets James Freyed.

  • I would be confused as to why Oprah is offering advice to Lohan if I weren't already confused as to why Oprah has ever offered advice to anyone, ever. Daytime tv (and whatever the hell Oprah's on now) might as well be an alternate reality.

  • Ugh. All through this all I can picture is that Human Monstrosity Dina Lohan cackling and screaming "WE GOT OPRAH! OPRAAAAH! COME ON LINDSAY LET'S GO GET WASTED!" as she runs through her house in pure joy.


  • Strand

    I'd rather drink a pint of piss than take the word of a Frey.

  • yocean

    If Lindsay Lohan has only done coke "about 10 or 15 times" then I only have gotten shit drunk once if you can event count that one time I blacked out and ended up on top of Jay-Z's pit-bull.

  • Betty

    Something that's irked me ever since this Lohan train started to derail is so many people bemoaning the loss of the great talent shown in Mean Girls... This has always seemed a little exaggerated, I know Lindsay received top billing as she was the teen star of the moment, and she was.. fine. Absolutely fine. But what made that movie great was Tina Fey's script, and the amazing ensemble cast (Rachel McAdams, Lizzy Caplan and Amanda Seyfried has all eclipsed Linds in their careers). In the "straight man" role Lindsay was completely adequite (!) But it annoys me when friends argue the film would not have been successful without her. I guess I don't have to preach the merits of Mean Girls to a crowd of Pajibans, this is more of a layperson argument I'm needing to vent about. It's like from the start Lindsay "the talented artist" has been forced down our throats by the media, when in reality she was a cute, spunky child star who went off the rails. Stop trying to make Lindsay happen.

  • Captain D

    What's odd is that this seems to be a common argument now, but I don't recall too many people voicing it back when Mean Girls was released. The entire cast of the movie was fantastic. I personally don't think the other cast members (not McAdams, not Fey, not Lohan) get nearly enough credit for their performances. However, whenever I hear about how Lohan wasn't all that great, was just adequate, etc., it reminds me that Will Smith was offered the role of Neo in The Matrix.

  • I've always thought the excessive praise heaped upon her was a bit of a preemptive obituary thing. People just want to have said nice things about her.

  • Betty

    YES, that's exactly what it feels like!

    By the way thanks for all the kind upvotes for this little de-lurker :) Can't believe it was Lindsay Lohan that made me finally post!!

  • Bodhi

    I was just about to say something just like this, though far less eloquent. Or adequite

  • apsutter

    I COULD NOT agree more!!! Literally anyone could have played Lindsay's character. That movie was great because of Tina and Rachel carried the whole thing on her shoulders. The supporting cast so eclipsed her that it's unbelievable how everyone talks about her lost talent.

  • Archie Leach

    I have to say that, for a woman that is in her mid-50s, linds looks kinda decent!

  • apsutter

    I actually think it's somewhat plausible that she didn't do coke that much because she was an adderall addict. It gave her an amphetamine fix and it can mirror the effects of cocaine. Other than that, she's full of shit and I hate Oprah's soft ball questions and relentless praising of her "talent."

  • That reference to Cher Horowitz made me so happy. And it was so appropriate. Thank you.

  • dizzylucy

    I'd be a lot more inclined to admire Oprah's efforts with Lindsay if she weren't broadcasting it. That instantly takes it from trying to help someone to trying to get ratings.
    Either way, it's all going to end badly for both. Everyone who has tried to give Lohan a chance has gotten burned (probably figuratively and literally).

  • Questions for the general readership. (A) Has Oprah done any significant charity when it wasn't in front of rolling cameras? (B) Doesn't charity for the sake of self-promotion negate the act of charity, at least as far as karma/righteousness/donut points/whatever added to the account of the giver of charity? (C) At which point do we start calling an individual on their pathological, new-age messiah complex?

  • NateMan

    In her defense (which is difficult for me, cuz I don't like the woman) I'm pretty sure she does do quite a lot of charity work even when the cameras aren't on. She has given a lot back to the less fortunate.

    However, she's also pulled some dick moves, like when she would give free cars and stuff away on her show, they've been listed as 'prizes', not 'gifts', so the recipients have been required to pay thousands of dollars in taxes on items they never asked for in the first place.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    (I always get so confused when you two dialogue)

    - "gifts" over $10K in value would be taxed anyway, so anyone having to pay "thousands of dollars in taxes" would be paying them regardless of whether it was a "gift" or "prize."
    - you can refuse to accept prizes, therefore not pay taxes on them, if you don't want them
    - even game shows list your thanks-for-playing "gifts" as prizes (I actually got a 1099 for a bottle of Caltrate and Alpine Lace coupons.)

    But yeah, @NateS1973:disqus, Oprah has set a lot of charitable wheels in motion. And while showboating it might deduce karma points, it doesn't negate the difference it makes to the schoolgirls receiving that education, or the people who have houses again.

    It's a fine line between charity showboating and setting an example of generosity. (for that matter, I've yet to see a cancer ward named "Anonymous")

  • Point taken. Good being done in the world is good being done, whether it's done smugly or not. Done smugly, it just leaves a bit of taste in my mouth.

    And it's easy to tell us apart, I'm the roguishly sexy one. ;-)

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Ah, indeed. As long as you're only rogueish and not rakish. I'm afraid I've had my fill of rakes. And it's ever so difficult to tell the difference.

  • Ah, yes. I can understand the predicament. We rogues are they whom will call you back the day after...if only to ask if you've found our boxers and could you kindly send them to us by post.

  • emmalita

    Because rakes don't wear undergarments in the first place and assume you want their socks as a memento.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I thought that was more of a libertine.

  • emmalita

    You can't give back the things libertines leave behind.

  • Ironically enough, I voted for the Libertine Party candidate in the last election.

  • oilybohunk7

    You can give up to $13,000 now without being taxed.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    oooOOOOooh...[drafts a letter to her retired parents]

  • emmalita

    I have to ask - were you disappointed that your thank you for playing "gifts" were a bottle of Caltrate and Alpine Lace coupons?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Well, I also got the "play-at-home" version of the game. I don't think it's ever been played though. And a baseball cap.

    All told my parting gifts were valued at $150 (6 items @$25 each).

    I still have those coupons somewhere. By God, one of these days I'm really going to make a fat-free Swiiss cheese sandwich.

  • emmalita

    That's finding the silver lining!

  • Stephen Nein

    " . . under the booming bosoms of Oprah Winfrey . . "

    I can't believe you left that line in there with that header picture. Oprah's not the one booming that JPG.

  • NateMan

    We have Oprah to 'thank' for Doctor Phil. After that point in history, any attempt Oprah makes to help a mentally-ill person, real or otherwise, instantly performs self-defenestration. Because you can't foist that fat ass, dimwitted quack on the world and then pretend to try and make things better.

  • Ruthie O

    Gah. I have so many feelings. Dr. Phil represents the worst of therapy and psychiatry. He really does. I can't stand his show. He dramatizes, manipulates, shames, and exploits people with real programs. I will actively avoid any treadmill in front of a TV playing Dr. Phil.

    But he did this.

    That kid, Ryan, is my brother. He brought him on the show, talked to him a bit, and took him for a ride in his Formula One. That was ten years ago, and Ryan is a bratty 18 year old now, but that was a highlight of his time on chemo.

    STILL. So, I hate the Dr. Phil show and persona, but I can't hate the man. Trust me, I've tried, but then I watch the rerun of my broham smiling giddily on his show, and I just can't do it. But yeah, I still totally agree with everything you've said.

    (Also, don't worry. Meeting Dr. Phil was not my brother's wish. That was a kick ass fort in our backyard.)

  • NateMan

    Damn you... Don't you use a sick kid to make me have feelings! :) I'd rather keep my myopic view of the good Doctor. It's more fun to just see one side.

    Argh. Okay. Maybe he's not entirely a twatnozzle. But I'm still gonna hate him!

  • Ruthie O

    Welcome to my world! He is the worst... except when he isn't. Life was much easier when I could just straight up hate him.

  • PerpetualIntern

    There are not enough self-defenestrations going on in the world.

  • crispin

    Why does anyone care about either of these people?

  • Wicked

    I just feel sad for Lindsay, she had so much potential when I saw her on the Parent's trap and Mean Girls =/

  • bbmcrae

    Did you time travel from 2006?

  • sjfromsj

    Are LiLo's boobs really that big, or is she not wearing a bra? Or just wearing a really bad one? That's a bad look, girl. If you want us to think you're doing okay, at least show your rack some respect.

  • nosio

    Swing low, sweet chariots.

  • DeaconG

    You mean LiLo is like EIA standard electronics..."rack mountable?"

    I'm going...I'm going!

  • apsutter

    She never wears bras so she's saggy as hell at the age of, what, 26?

  • PDamian

    At least part of the problem is the knit of that dress. That clingy, weavy fabric would be punishing on the most svelte figure and make tangerines look like grapefruit (to quote Helena Bonham Carter).

  • FireLizardQueen

    She desperately needs a new bra. That's just not right...

  • crispin

    Says you.

  • crispin

    1) She's not wearing a bra.

    2) Yes, they are.

  • $27019454

    I can't muster up one emotion for this whole mess except ...I don't know...what do you call opening the fridge and gazing at tepid, kind-of-identifiable leftovers in generic tupperware-esque containers? That feeling.

    Also, orange with blue nails. Huh.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Curious and willing to put it in your mouth to see how it tastes?

  • oilybohunk7

    You know how some foreign languages have special words for something so very specific? English needs to make a word for the feeling you just described.

  • Mrcreosote

    Ennui. Or casserole. Either one.

  • e jerry powell

    A casserole of ennui. From the organic vegan co-op.

  • Mrcreosote

    Eh. I don't care for ennui casserole.

  • e jerry powell

    It's an acquired taste, I hear. I don't have it myself.

  • emmalita

    I'll have you know that my organic vegan casseroles are quite exciting. I put organic chilies in them and don't always tell people.

  • oilybohunk7

    I guess ennui does work. Good call.

  • $27019454

    I backed away from ennui because it's got that frenchy thing going for it. It has more panache than leftovers in tupperware. "Yawn-nui" maybe.

  • oilybohunk7

    Done. Yawn-nui it is.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I call that feeling "Tuesday". I suspect my "Tuesdays" are very different from both Oprah's and Lindsay's.

blog comments powered by Disqus