Alright, Taylor Swift, Are We Gonna Do This Or What?
film / tv / lists / guides / news / love / celeb / video / think pieces / staff / podcasts / web culture / politics / dc / snl / netflix / marvel / cbr

Alright, Taylor Swift, Are We Gonna Do This Or What?

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | October 11, 2012 | Comments ()


This is me right now. BECAUSE I AM CALLING YOU OUT.


I wasn't even wearing hoops, you guys. That's just something that happens. When one's nemesis acts all nemessy, hoops just appear for the sole purpose of taking them off. It's science. Fight science.

And, Swifter Wet Jet? We are in a fight. It is fucking on.

So, Esquire (via Celebitchy) named Taylor Swift a woman they love. Because Esquire has a low bar. Naturally, they interviewed her. Naturally, I snapped and Hulked out of my own skin because I have lost the ability to handle anything that comes out of this girl's mouth. For simple reading, I bolded everything that made me make that face up there.

ESQ: That title's a bit long, don't you think?

TS: We had lots and lots of discussions about what to call this song. For me, from the time I wrote it, it was always "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together."

ESQ: It certainly seems more final and authoritative this way.

TS: It's very final, it's very aggressive, and it's not subtle.

ESQ: And you didn't use parentheses, which I appreciate.

TS: People don't know what to say when there are parentheses.

ESQ: Are you worried about peaking at 22?

TS: I'm always worried about everything. Like spiders. Right now, I'm worried about that.

ESQ: I'm not your typical fan, but I do like this first song. It's catchy.

TS: Yay! We brainwashed you!

ESQ: Do you like peaty, smoky Scotch? We're doing something on that this month.

TS: I don't drink much alcohol. If it doesn't taste like candy or sparkles, I usually don't drink it.

ESQ: Few things taste less like candy and sparkles.

TS: Wine sometimes, because it makes me feel classy, but not Scotch. Not yet.

ESQ: That sounds about right. Do you ever get tired of being sweet?

TS: When I am talking to people who I feel don't like me or are mean, I get really shy and I kind of curl up personalitywise.

*fist tightening*

To sum up: Candy. Sparkles. Parentheses are hard, you guys! Ew, scotch. Moscato is yummy. Spiders are icky. YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

She's doing this to me ON. PURPOSE.

She knows. SHE ALWAYS KNOWS. Also, I don't think she's really BFF with Emma Stone. That is not particularly relevant, but I just wanted to put it out there because I think she's a total Swiiffle White Female to our Emma.

Also, her weird "I want to cut off Jackie O's face and wear it as the best costume of the day, but I can't so I'll just work my way through the Kennedy family like a box of Girl Scout cookies" thing hit a high note (ironically, what with how she can't hit high notes because she sings like a cat dying of syphilis in a poorly ventilated garage) when she allegedly made out with Patrick Schwarzenegger, her child boyfriend's cousin. Is this true? Probably not because it came from Star Magazine, but I don't even care at this point, because I want this to last forever and never stop until she makes her way to Ethel.

Anyway, Taylor. Swifty Lazar. Let's just fight already. Let's duke it out. Did I mention I used to work for a Kennedy? Sat fifteen feet away from him. I'll let you smell my work blouses and THEN we'll fight. Warning: I'm a kicker. Let's do this.

I Am the Scavenger: 10 Films to Get You Through the Rest of The Year | It's A Pity Esquire Didn't Ask Me To Vote On Sexiest Woman Alive Because Screw Mila Kunis, That's Why

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Geena Phillips

    Man! I'd hate to be married to you, Courtney, because your "angry" face is totes adorable, an observation that I'm sure would only serve to make you madder.

  • Parker Jammstein

    She needs to cut the shit at some point and write a song about that one time John Mayer forgot to pull out.

  • thisonenow

    Am I the only one who thinks this interview makes her sound funny and irreverent? "If it doesn't taste like candy and sparkles I usually don't drink it", sounds like she's making fun of what people think she would drink, but also probably what she actually does. It sounds self-deprecating to me, as does the "classy" comment. Do people hate her so much even when she sounds human and funny they automatically cast what she has to say in the worst light? Also using parentheses in song titles is ridiculous.

  • $2786243

    This woman fills me with irrational hate, and yeah, I thought she sounded okay in the interview too.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Parentheses are hard? I don't even know what that means. What is it, a riddle?

  • PerpetualIntern

    Yes. (Don't you get it?)

  • zeke_the_pig

    Hey, don't knock me just cos I can't figure out Ms Swift's word puzzles. Einstein's dead and Stephen Hawking doesn't care so at least I know nobody else is solving them.

  • ,

    Man, that is one pissed off crotchfruit (plus CE's age). I think my testicle just crawled behind a kidney.

  • Quatermain

    If I had a bunk, I'd be headed there right now with that header picture.

  • Your photo up there made me cackle, whoop AND clap my hands all at the same time. I love you so much, Courtney.

    You fuck that bitch UP. Sit on her chest and slap her and make her admit she's not a fucking princess.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    This is the first time I've ever been exposed to something that girl did. She sounds as vapid as Miley Cyrus looks.

    That said: are you sure that's not a fake interview?

  • mlurve

    I work in research and came across a recent trend called the "woman-child." The woman-child is exactly what it sounds like, a grown woman who is into childish sorts of things, like Hello Kitty, hair bows, etc.

    Taylor Swift personifies the trend to a tee.

  • e jerry powell

    I'll bring the Vaseline. Can't get the mug all scratched up.

  • Jezzer

    Are sparkles even edible? Does this girl eat glitter?

  • Aaron Schulz

    Pretty sure you are the most fun writer they have on this site courtney, i felt you should know that. Also i know how important random strangers on the internets approval is to everyone. :D

  • Eh, she's 22. That's what those people do. I mean, I agree with you on the singing part, but since when has a lack of talent ever prevented a mostly attractive virginal white girl from becoming famous?

  • Slash

    I am amused that anybody can be upset by anything Taylor Swift says. That's like being upset about a Ziggy cartoon.

    I feel this way about pretty much all celebrities, actually. They're just people, y'all. And many times, not even particularly bright people. Sometimes they say dumb stuff. Getting all mad about it is just a waste of energy. Use that energy to, I dunno, read a book or register to vote. Or register someone else to vote.

  • ghisent

    Well, sure, except that this is an entertainment site. That's kind of what they're supposed to do, isn't it?

  • Slash

    Sure, and I commented on it. That's what we're supposed to do, right?

  • ghisent

    Never said you couldn't or shouldn't. Merely making a point.

  • RocksEaglesHats

    Between the header photo and the post title, I thought this was a declaration of an intention to mouth-rape Taylor Swift.

    This was before I saw that the author was a woman. Yet I clicked anyway.

  • the other courtney

    Look y'all, I don't particularly care for the gummy-bears and sparkles song lyrics either. Whether this girl-child is sincere in all of her adorableness is besides the point: fact is, when her bubble-gum songs come on the radio, I don't have to worry about my kids singing along. Yes, their singing neverevergettingbacktogether OVER AND OVER again may grate on my last damn nerve, but there are no swear words and no sexwhoreness and nothing I have to explain. I'm cool with the Swifter only because I will never ever, ever ever have to explain the words "menage a trois", "hickie" or "superb ass" to my 7 year old while she's listening to her.

  • Down here in New Zealand commercial radio actually left in the 'muthaf*cker' part in the chorus to the Nicky Minaj's 'Starships' song ("higher than a mutha..."). They claim they clipped out half of the 'u' and half of the 'c' but it sure sounded like the whole word to everyone else.

  • Carlito

    Shockingly, it's an early twenty-something country-pop star whose work could easily be described as "diabeetus-inducing suburbemo" giving annoyingly twee and immature/naive non-answers to very non-serious softball questions.


  • badkittyuno

    but...spiders are horrible and moscato is yummy!

  • Ashley

    Girl, imma hold ur baby while you punk dis sparkly ass hoe.

  • If it doesn’t taste like candy or sparkles, I usually don’t drink it.

    I guess all those famous guys didn't meet the flavor profile. Quelle suprise. The Kennedys et al are more likely to taste of whiskey, but I guess when you're climbing up what passes for royalty 'round these parts, you set aside your taste(buds), close your eyes, and think of your hopes for the future. But for the record, sweetheart, you don't get to have unicorns anymore, and we all know why.

  • Bert_McGurt

    The hell do sparkles even taste like, anyways? Like burning? Even Ralph Wiggum isn't dumb enough to do that more than once.

  • PerpetualIntern

    My cat's breath smells like cat food.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Wait, Mr, you're drinking a candle!

  • Mrcreosote

    See this is why my Candy and Sparkle flavored vodka "iParty" is going to be huge!!!
    What do you mean the name is taken?

  • KatSings

    I have a lot of trouble picturing her and Emma Stone hanging out. Mostly cause I feel like Emma Stone and *I* would totally be great friends if we knew each other. And I would have no patience for someone like Swift, so I can't wrap my brain around Emma feeling otherwise. Yes, I am a crazy person.

  • FrayedMachine

    I think every chick out there wants to be best buddies with Emma Stone. She just seems so COOL

  • BarbadoSlim

    I guess the author is just jealous of a very talented young lady. Pajiba never changes. If it was Zoooeway Deschahipster they'd be all over her clit

  • ,

    This site needs more Slim.

    That is all.

  • Guest

    *generic Deschanel opprobrium here*

  • Bert_McGurt

    She's not very talented at picking boyfriends, it seems.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Anyone who uses the word "classy" general has no class. Especially if they spell it with a "k".

  • bastich

    Can we use Courtney's picture for next week's caption contest?

    "This is the frowny face of doooooom...."

  • Guest

    Alls I know is, if I were a woman with a smidge of historical awareness and a self-preservation instinct, I'd stay FAAAR away from any and all Kennedy men.

  • e jerry powell

    Even the dead ones.

    Especially the dead ones.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    She's trying to suffer for her art, you guys. By marrying wealthy people and then waiting for them to die or maybe kill her. And at least cheat on her relentlessly.

  • jennp421

    I admit I like moscato, too. Although I'm usually a bit embarrassed about it when people ask me if I drink wine, since my friends have told me it doesn't count. Actually, I think my tastes in alcohol are probably similary to Swift's minus the sparkly part (yes, judge away) but I wouldn't have put it in quite such a fairy princess kind of way. Also, Swift has had a series of high profile relationships, how does she still get to hold on to the super innocent card?

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Somehow she's still capable of giving the impression that she's a virgin. Which, I mean, I guess it's possible but if she was dating John Mayer at any point I think that's a technical loss of virginity right there.

  • e jerry powell

    If John Mayer was even looking at her with any degree of consciousness, she needs a pregnancy test. And quite possibly a rabies vaccination.

  • Crystal O.

    Courtney, I love you. That is all. And you should have just posted this gif:

  • lowercase_ryan

    also I love your walls.

  • damnitjanet

    Jesus, I love you.

    The issue here is not whether she rankled Courtney a little too much, or if took a few liberties with the boys of the Kennedy clan; she did. (winks)
    But, can't we finally hold one sparkletwit responsible for the behavior of a
    few sick, misguided pre-teens? And if you do, then shouldn't we also
    blame the sparkletwit obsessed media? And if the whole sparkletwit obsessed media is
    guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our entertainment institutions
    in general? (the other Pajibans cheer; Courtney addresses the World Court directly) I put it to you, Sirs! Isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? (the Pajibans cheer again)
    Well, you can do what you want to us, but we're not going to sit here
    and listen to you bad-mouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!

  • ,


  • BarbadoSlim

    Take your top off!

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Watch it, Enlow. That bitch farts unicorns farting narwhals farting rainbows farting butterflies. She's going to fart happiness right in your face and you'll be helpless to resist.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    It's true, I expect fighting Taylor Swift would feel very much like kicking a puppy. She doesn't *know* her sparkly idiocy is offensive, she just thinks it's cute, like a puppy doesn't know your shoes aren't chewtoys, they just taste like you and leather.

    ETA: Which isn't to condone kicking puppies as a reaction to chewed shoes, because if any of you fuckers do that I'm getting my ears pierced so there can be hoops so we can fight. And then I'm taking your puppy.

  • RenoGruber

    I love you on Raising Hope. No but seriously, you caused office cackles. Nice work. She's annoying as shit to anyone over 30 (I hope.)

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    There's no age limit on it, man.

  • ERM

    Cattiness of Pajiba is irritating.

  • PerpetualIntern

    Hi. Have you MET us?

  • e jerry powell

    How irritating.

  • ghisent

    Your irritation is irritating.

  • Catty

    Your face is irritating.

  • KatSings

    You are so adorable in that pic! ::returns to reading the article::

  • Anna von Beav

    I doubt it's Moscato. I don't think she's *that* classy, despite appearances.

    It's probably white zinfandel. Pink! Pretty! Tastes like candy!

  • PerpetualIntern

    And sparkles!

  • BWeaves

    "If it doesn’t taste like candy or sparkles, I usually don’t drink it."

    That was the bit that got me gagging.

  • Guest

    *gratuitous comment about oral sex here*

  • lowercase_ryan

    Spiders are icky and if you say otherwise WE will fight!

    The rest is absolutely valid though. Screw this chick.

  • Vi

    small spiders are negligible and entertain the cats long enough to keep them from being bastards all night.

    Australian spiders on the other hand, those motherfuckas are serious business, if you see one in your room, just burn down your house.

  • PerpetualIntern

  • RAS

    "Australia has more things that can kill you in a very nasty way than anywhere else." -Bill Bryson

  • frank247

    From The Last Continent, Terry Pratchett

    "Show me all of the non-poisonous things in Fourecks."

    "Some of the sheep."

  • buell

    Russell Crowe and his telephone.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin



  • Puddin

    Careful, girl. Those skinny blonde girls can be some of the most vicious, dirty brawlers ever encountered. Sadly, I speak from experience.

  • lowercase_ryan

    there is definitely an air of Single White Female cray about her.

  • Bedewcrock

    Watch out, Emma Stone, watch out.

  • OMG she's gonna Tom Ripley Emma Stone.

blog comments powered by Disqus