Alison Brie To Marry The Lesser Franco: A Meditation On Confusion
When the headline “Alison Brie and Dave Franco Engaged!” popped up in my Facebook feed, I had a few questions. Like “What is a Dave Franco?” and “Why?” But then I did some internetting, and am happy to report I’m still totally confused. Let’s try to work this out together though, shall we?
So what is a Dave Franco? He’s The Lesser Franco. The younger, fewer-Academy-Award-nominations-having, non-Masters-Degreed, was-never-even-on-General Hospital brother of James Franco. Which leads me to guess Dave spent most of his life just shouting
And before you get upset because I’m judging Dave in an unfair light compared to his brother, I would have you know I don’t care for any of the Francos. James aka The Less Franco just happens to have demonstrably accomplished more in his career than The Lesser. I still don’t understand what his appeal is or why people like him.
I don’t care, Less.
But this post is about Dave, who is also apparently an actor, and how he tricked Alison Brie into marrying him.
Ok, fine, Alison. I’m sure he didn’t trick you. I’m sure in real life he’s a perfectly pleasant guy. I just don’t get it.
WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT SO HARD, DAVE? That isn’t what “deep” means.
And when he’s not staring deeply into your eyes while trying to get you to touch it, he’s playing the douchey boyfriend type who gets thrown off for the protagonist. Nicholas Hoult in Warm Bodies, Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street. The most stretching he’s done as an actor came when he played the douchey best friend who slept with Zac Efron’s girlfriend in Neighbors. (Oh, also Girlfriend Character In Neighbors)?
Big mistake. I’m not even into Zefron, but you’ve got to get real with that.)
In closing, I genuinely hope that Alison and Dave are happy together, and that they have a kickass wedding as Community weddings often are. I just don’t understand why Dave is a thing because everything about him reminds me of a penis.
Come on, Dave. You know it’s the truth.
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