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Abercrombie & Fitch vs. The Situation: A Douche Against Douche Cage Match to the Finish

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (19)

the-fituation.jpg

Yesterday, a clothing store popular among vapid teens got pissed that a reality star popular among vapid teens was wearing a pair of their ugly sweatpants and the fucking internet exploded.

That’s the short version. This is the long version: The Situation, he of House Jersey Shore, son of The YouTube Video Guy, wore a pair of green Abercrombie & Fitch pants. In a stroke of pure marketing genius (*shakes head no*) A&F released a statement offering to pay his Sitchness an undisclosed sum of money to stop wearing their clothes. This backfired, causing the Dow to plunge 300 points this morning (totally related things).

The “Abercrombie & Fitch Proposes a Win-Win Situation” release reads as follows:

“We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans.

We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and the producers of MTV’s The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.”

Aspirational nature? Bitch, I went to a super preppy high school, and the only aspirations shared amongst those who frequented the store generally involved scoring MGD and losing butt virginities to girls who started getting highlights too early.

In the interest of full disclosure, I worked the floor at A&F for a brief time in college (it was an act of rebellion against the prevalent hipster culture…I DON’T KNOW, YOU GUYS. College Court was the worst). So I know these people. I understand their struggle. The Situation is simply the wrong kind of douche to sport their chudwear.

abercrombie_model.jpg

Abercrombie Dickholes: preppy, popped collar, faux wear and tear, necklaces made of leather and fake shark teeth, lots of pockets for all the expensive drugs they can afford.

guido04.jpg

Jersey “Guido” Thundertwats: Ed Hardy, metallic appliques, large necklaces with crosses that tend to smack their ladyfriends in the back of the head.

See? Totally different.

A&F’s statement was a bad move that backfired, and also lead to this tweet from Butterface-uation: “Looks like Abercrombie got themself into a situation!” Oh, Michael, you are a DELIGHT. Then MTV got all smug and responded with, “It’s a clever PR stunt, and we’d love to work with them on other ways they can leverage Jersey Shore to reach the largest youth audience on television.”

What A&F is most guilty of is underestimating how out of touch stock market people are. That show is popular, people watch it, this store said something bad, SELL SELL SELL. No one that shops at Abercrombie is actually going to stop purchasing $149 sweatshirts with sequins hastily sewn on their hoods because the store dared insult someone they watch somewhat ironically.

Basically, there are no winners. Only date rapists. And I pray that someday, in the lifetime of my children, this douche versus douche fighting might end, and that cheesedicks of all walks may join hand in hand to sing a house remixed DMB song. Because, at the end of the day, we’re all the same, and by that I mean shirtless.

chris_austad_shirtless_1.jpg

We shall overcome, brah.









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Comments

HA! My entire thought on this was 'at the end of the day, these guys are all going to roofie a 17 year old'

And then I realised ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH ARE IN A PISSING CONTEST OVER CLOTHES WITH JERSEY SHORE and it is apparently important enough that BBC News reported it on their front page.

And now the world can fall into the sun, we are done.

Posted by: Nadine at August 18, 2011 2:08 PM

If that last photo is any indication, it looks like they're already paying their models not to wear A&F clothes.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at August 18, 2011 2:08 PM

Godtopus wept, I hate that fucking store. I work at a mall and every time I go by that store I am assaulted by this heinous stench cloud coming out of it, that cologne they spray everywhere that smells like the crotch of a preppy douchebag.

It's all dark and dimly lit and their clothes have the logo all over them (a sure sign of tacky, as far as I'm concerned), their shopping bags feature a shot of disembodied abs, their clothes are used by vapid teenagers to show their status and bad taste--the place is a hell hole. I hate to say it, but not only is The Situation their perfect target costumer, he might actually be too good for them.

Posted by: figgy at August 18, 2011 2:13 PM


It's a kerfuffle where everyone deserves to lose, and can. Unlike, sadly, the upcoming elections where that's only half true - the wrong half.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at August 18, 2011 2:23 PM

How douchebaggy do you have to be to be asked by the company that invented the popped collar to stop wearing your clothes? The answer, apparently, is "The Situation" levels of douchebaggery.

Posted by: aroorda at August 18, 2011 2:28 PM

I weep for our culture. That sounds judgmental and pretentious, and ok, it is, but damn, it's true nonetheless.

I don't watch reality TV. I have plenty of reality here already, thanks.

Posted by: foolsage at August 18, 2011 2:42 PM

That picture... with the headband... and the red shirt... I don't even.... WHAT ON EARTH????? That is some heinous, eyeball-piercing shit, right there. Is that a human? I'm voting alien.

Kids, get off my lawn.

Posted by: MM at August 18, 2011 2:43 PM

@figgy:begins clapping slowly, moves to stand, clapping louder. wipes tear away with the back of my hand. sniff.

Posted by: blondefire at August 18, 2011 2:49 PM

There is only one possible reaction to all of this:

This Party Just Took A Turn For The Douche

Posted by: Lipton at August 18, 2011 2:49 PM

I kind of want to set everyone involved on fire.

Posted by: Craig at August 18, 2011 3:06 PM

Shouldn't be too hard, Craig. I imagine these people are highly flammable, clothed or not.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 18, 2011 3:08 PM

The hair products alone could burn for days. Light 'em up, boys!

Posted by: NateS1973 at August 18, 2011 4:41 PM

I agree with others that the solution to this "problem" involves fire, or perhaps launching the parties involved into the sun.

Normally, I wouldn't advocate such a thing, but we are talking about the "stars" of an MTV show and a company that caters to teenagers. So I'm pretty confident that nothing of value would be lost.

Posted by: Slash at August 18, 2011 5:36 PM

Can we maybe stop using the word "douche" to refer to unpleasant guys? That's about as mature as using the word "gay" to refer to anything disliked, just substituting misogyny for homophobia. I'm surprised to see so many people using this word here, honestly. I think part of the problem is that we don't have a good alternative word to refer to trendy self-absorbed assholes who think they're much more impressive than they really are. I've always liked "poseur" for that, personally, but it's not much in common use these days. It's not a perfect match but it's close.

Better ideas?

foolsage, a douche is a product that women neither need nor want, is actively bad for them and can actually harm the vagina. How wouldn't it describe men like this? - CE

Posted by: foolsage at August 18, 2011 6:21 PM

"No one that shops at Abercrombie is actually going to stop purchasing $149 sweatshirts with sequins hastily sewn on their hoods because the store dared insult someone they watch somewhat ironically. "

No, we're going to stop buying the sweatshirts because now we learned The Situation wears A&F.
(actually, I'm not allowed in the store. I'm too old)

Posted by: Pat C. at August 18, 2011 6:32 PM

You think this was a bad move? Because it made me want to go right out and buy a bunch of their stuff.

Posted by: superasente at August 18, 2011 8:12 PM

I'm not clear on the connection between the word douche and misogyny. Sounds like your grasping for outrage when there's already plenty to be found.

I hereby declare the word "dick" to be off limits. I have one, it's awesome, and I'm insulted that it's used as a pejorative. hrumph

Posted by: Protoguy at August 18, 2011 10:25 PM

figgy,

I suspect the A&F in your mall is next door to a Bath & Body Works. I have to hold my breath when I walk past those.

Protoguy,

I ask only that if people are going to call me a dick, they at least call me a big dick.

Posted by: , at August 19, 2011 1:28 AM

@CE

Nice. Douche it remains.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at August 19, 2011 7:15 PM