2014: Your Year in Bieber
2014 may have been the year we bid farewell to the actual Joffrey Baratheon, but we all know his real-life counterpart is alive, well and douching like a king. And this was a banner year for Bieberosity. This was the year he took his puny fuckery game up a notch. Videos from when he was a baby racist, phenomenal video depositions that may have actually changed our lives and so much more. Let’s look back on the year that was, the year in Bieber.
The year kicked off right, with Joel McHale calling Bieber “a fucking idiot” on Conan.
Then, the texts, purportedly between Bieber and Selena Gomez came out. We laughed but he couldn’t hear us over the sound of his cash. I mean, cum on now.
Then he got arrested drag racing in Florida because of course both of those things.
Amidst the nonsense, his people tried hard to get him to go to rehab. I didn’t approve because rehab is for drugs, alcohol and illness—not for being a little fucknutter. He clearly agreed and also had delusions of baby grandeur.
His levels of twuntnuggetry never fail to impress.
Then came the deposition tapes and they. Were. Everything.
He also thought he was James Dean but without the “ciggys” because icky gross patooie.
First, obviously, he died, poisoned at his own wedding.
Then Jon Hamm called him a shithead and vaginas everywhere turned to waterfalls and penises everywhere did the penis version of that.
“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the fuck, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, shithead!’ You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish? Life skills are something we’re missing… just shit you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just shit you needed to learn in life.”
Then he got pulled in for robbery because he stole a girl’s cellphone while playing at the batting cages, which is almost exactly something that I bet happened in a deleted scene of The Karate Kid or some shit. Cobra Kai coldness.
First and foremost, video surfaced of his highness when he was 15 telling super racist jokes and being egged on by his fucking mom.
Then, rumor had it, he got some ladies pregnant. It’s December now and we’ve heard nothing else so either he didn’t or he pays well.
In July he got into a fight with Orlando Bloom or something, I don’t know, at a certain point even the most ridiculous things begin to sound like white noise. But he tried to punch Bloom, and the harrowing fight between the two can be seen here in this gif:
He got booed. That was nice.
May 2015 grant us the joys this year was so wonderfully filled with. Biebz bless us, everyone!
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