web counter
 

11 Celebrity Baby Names That Have Garnered Far More Attention Than Anything Remotely Important Ever

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (43)

nic_cage_superman.jpg

Every so often, when the news landscape is just empty enough that people might have to focus on politics or the economy or some boring shit like that, a famous-ish person will birth a child, name it something ridiculous (or, more often than not, not ridiculous, just mildly interesting but just enough so that our lamer Facebook friends spaz out about it) and take over the fucking world as though a baby’s name might be the code to all the missiles. This time, that name is Harper Seven, daughter of Posh Spice and that soccer fellow. George Costanza jokes aside, in any other week, this would be nothingness, but, like all celebrity parents who “wait” to announce the name of their child, they conveniently found an open window, after Will and Kate were on the plane, as Lainey from LaineyGossip pointed out. What ho this coincidence!

Here are some baby names that played the part of “actual news” in the role of a lifetime, and somehow made people ignore that they were making fun of a tiny baby. Some of these are actually quite lovely. Some are dumb. None remotely warrant the stupid and random fervor they ignited.

10. Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Jillette and Emily Zolten)
9. Kal-El Coppola (Nic Cage and Alice Kim)
8. Fifi Trixibell (Bob Geldof and Paula Yates)
7. Bronx Mowgli (Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz)
6. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf)
5. Hazel & Phinneas (Julia Roberts and Danny Moder)
4. Coco (Courteney and David Arquette)
3. Harper Seven (Victoria and David Beckham)
3. Knox and Vivienne (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie)
2. Suri (Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Lord Xenu)
1. Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin)









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← The Lovely Mila Kunis Strikes A Pose Usually Reserved For Basement Porn And American Apparel Ads | "Torchwood: Miracle Day" Review: Gwen Cooper Is No Longer the Most Irritating Member of the Cast →









Comments

Doesn't NPH have a daughter named Harper as well? We have a niece named Harper and I think it is a wonderful name.

I adore the name Harper. It's on my shortlist. I don't know why people are getting so spazzy over it. It must be the Seven part, which isn't that bad either frankly. -CE

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 12, 2011 2:05 PM

Fifi TrixieBell is mah personal favorite. Along with Heavenly Hirani Tiger Lily.

Posted by: MM at July 12, 2011 2:08 PM

Julia should have named her twins Phineas and Ferb.

Posted by: Stinky at July 12, 2011 2:09 PM

Harper Lee---To Kill A Mockingbird. Great name. Lots of Harpers in the South.

Posted by: Stinky at July 12, 2011 2:13 PM

Middle names don't count anyway.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 12, 2011 2:16 PM

I guess the celeb parents figure, "Hell the kids gonna be fucked up anyway".

Posted by: logan at July 12, 2011 2:18 PM

Five bucks says the number seven was his high-school jersey number.

Posted by: superasente at July 12, 2011 2:18 PM

Coco doesn't bother me - just reminds me of Coco Chanel, which makes me think she'll grow up to be fabulous.

I had a great-grandmother named Hazel. It's not a bad name, just old-fashioned. Much preferable to something crazy like Kal-El.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 12, 2011 2:20 PM

Erykah Badu and Andre 3000 named their kid Seven Sirius. At the time I thought, "WTF? Are they just numbering them now?"

Posted by: Carolina Girl at July 12, 2011 2:23 PM

Brad and Angelina, for SHAME! Vivienne is such a weird and unusual name.

Vivian is much better. Plus you already have a Nerf Herder song about you.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at July 12, 2011 2:24 PM

HEY!

Take that back. My new niece (born Saturday afternoon) is Vivienne Chase.

Posted by: Jerry at July 12, 2011 2:27 PM

My BFF is about the have a baby and her short list is Axel, Findley and Knox. She is leaning towards the least pleasing of those options. I won't tell you which I consider that to be because it is her baby and she can name it whatever she damn pleases.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 12, 2011 2:33 PM

7. Bronx Mowgli (Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz)
---
This reminds me that my favorite name of an actual non-celeb person is Shere-Khan Smoot.

Also, I was riffing the other day on the many ... um, creative spellings of McKenzie and figured it's only a matter of time until someone goes with M'Knz*. Like on a license plate. Which is what the kid will end up pounding out at the state pen after she axe-murders her parents.

*--It's a Twitter world, you KNOW this kind of thing is coming.

Posted by: , at July 12, 2011 2:34 PM

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 12, 2011 2:35 PM

Mrs. J,

I was going to ask, "Boy or girl?" but then I noticed it really doesn't matter.

Posted by: , at July 12, 2011 2:35 PM

Okay, I know that if Penn Gillette is your father this probably wouldn't be an issue, but - what if your name was Moxie and you were just really really dull and boring?

Posted by: Jeni at July 12, 2011 2:44 PM

It is a boy which is more logical.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 12, 2011 2:45 PM

Oh man, Vivienne is my all-time favorite girl name. It's way better than Vivian.

And I do love the name Harper. I would love it more if it weren't the name of an exotic car wash in my home town, but it's a nice name.

Posted by: Mel C. at July 12, 2011 3:15 PM

The name Harper is a very bad word up north. Canada's prime minister's name is Stephen Harper, and if you followed Canadian politics he's the evil corporate baiting megalomanic "I'm going to cut the arts and social spending and instead buy 16 billion worth of fighter jets" that wins every election because our left vote is split by 4 different major parties.

Although the green party did win it's first seat this year, that's a bonus.

Posted by: joelc at July 12, 2011 3:31 PM

My grandmother's name was Ethel, and when we were choosing baby girl names that came into consideration momentarily. But no, we wouldn't do that to our kid. So we checked on Grandma's middle name which was... Malvina.

Thankfully we have some sanity and neither of our daughters bear anything resembling those names.

On another note, apparently someone is rather insane for Game of Thrones, because I heard about a woman who named her daughter: wait for it...

Khaleesi!

Posted by: mswas at July 12, 2011 3:32 PM

I knew a little girl named Eowyn and it was before the movies.

We tried to go familial with names and my dad even hoped out loud we would use his: Morley. I believe my exact comment was, "that was never going to happen".

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 12, 2011 3:47 PM

Lapostrophe but spelled L'.

Posted by: Sugarpants at July 12, 2011 3:55 PM

What, no Moon Unit Zappa?

Posted by: Aislinn at July 12, 2011 4:14 PM

Hahah, Sugarpants. I know a Ladasha, spelled L-a.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 12, 2011 4:18 PM

My next door neighbor when I was little (late 1950's) named her baby girl Zan or Zane after a character in a Sci-Fi novel she read while pregnant.

However, weird baby names are not limited to current celebritards or hippies from the 1960's.

Back in the 1800's a Quaker family I know of named their sixteen children: Parvis, Picus, Piersus, Prisemus, Polybius, Lois, Lettice, Avis, Anstice, Eunice, Mary, John, Elizabeth, Ruth and Freelove.

Yes, Freelove was born in the 1860's when it was popular to name children things like Freelove or Freeborn Church. There's something about the 60's in every century, isn't there?

Posted by: BWeaves at July 12, 2011 4:25 PM

I went to college with a girl named Aslan after the Narnia books.

Posted by: Nanners at July 12, 2011 4:35 PM

George Costanza is gonna be pissed that David Beckham stole his name.

Posted by: Figgy at July 12, 2011 4:37 PM

Some of those names, like Coco and Fifi, for example, are good poodle names. And Penn Jillette and Jason Lee are assholes for giving those names to ANYONE, with Nick Cage not far behind with Kal-El (I love Superman as much as the next guy, but really? Come on.). Now I wish I'd let my geek flag fly and named my first one Logan 5. Oh well.

Posted by: ChickaBoom! at July 12, 2011 4:42 PM

I had a great friend in middle school with the first name Churchill - fab name, but a bit odd for a girl! We all called her Churchie!

Posted by: SCG at July 12, 2011 4:44 PM

Tried to post earlier - what about Shannon Sossamyn's kid AudioScience? Or did that not get enough outcry?

and yes...all of the Zappas.

10-6 are indeed terrible names - and I like unique names for kids. Just not names of things for kids, per se.

1-5 (including both 3s - or all three 3s, I suppose) don't strike me as that bad. More on the quirky than traumatizing side of the line.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at July 12, 2011 4:52 PM

I don't understand why Apple is so weird and #1. She is the apple of her eye...yeah, it's that droll and mundane really. I think Pilot Inspektor or Moxie Crimefighter are way weirder and deserve to be in the top 5. As is Chastity, Dweezil or Moon Unit (everyone knows that it's a boy's name, wtf?!), now those names are extra special!

The list is in order of how outraged people were, not how weird the names are. -CE

Posted by: gigi at July 12, 2011 4:52 PM

Okay, before this descends into "my cousin's friend is a teacher and her student was named _____"
let's all take the time to read this:
http://www.snopes.com/racial/language/le-a.asp

Posted by: Cree83 at July 12, 2011 5:10 PM

Ok, but seriously, my sister-in-law recently had a baby and the woman who had been in the same room right before her had named the baby Le-a. I saw it. On the board. Maybe the nurse was playing a joke on us, but I really don't think so.

Posted by: elizabeth at July 12, 2011 5:38 PM

OK. Having read Cree83's post and link: First, my mom's name was Vivian and she was born in Louisiana. Second, a friend of mine named Polly told her thrid-grade teacher (on the first day of school as teacher was calling roll), "it's 'Olly.' The 'p' is silent."

Posted by: Stinky at July 12, 2011 5:43 PM

Are Moon-Unit and Dweezel Zappa somewhere in the top 20?

Posted by: ScottZee at July 12, 2011 6:28 PM

I used to hate my name. I got used to it, then I reveled in it. Now, those Middleton chicks have my name all over the place and I'm back to hating it. I'm going to introduce myself from now on as DeckOfficer. Real life can suck it.

Posted by: DeckOfficer at July 12, 2011 6:38 PM

I'm Sad.... Harper has been a name that I have loved for oh so long. But I have been horrified to name my (hypothetical and in the far future) child anything that has been remotely popular. I think this stems from the story my mom tells about how a nurse at the hospital asked my mom if my name was on a soap opera.

Posted by: Caitlin at July 12, 2011 6:49 PM

Nobody was really paying much attention to Frank Zappa's kids until the 80s, by which time it was already too late.

Plus which, this was a guy who had an albums titled Uncle Meat, Hot Rats, Burnt Weeny Sandwich, and Sheik Yerbouti (among other things), so not too many people would have been all that surprised.

Posted by: Jerry at July 12, 2011 6:50 PM

Really? People think that Harper is a strange name for a girl? It was actually on my short list for girl names when my hubby and I were choosing names for our daughter. Crying shame that the Beckhams used it, though. Now there will be a million and four little girls named Harper and we'll never be able to use it for future lady-babies.

Also, my contribution to the weird name stories - I know a lady named LaTrina. Really. If I were her I would just introduce myself as Trina.

Posted by: stardust at July 12, 2011 6:55 PM

Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III would like to have a recount.
Harper is not bad, but Seven reminds me of a box....with Gwyneth Paltrow's severed head.

Posted by: Adrien at July 12, 2011 10:02 PM

Celebrities who can't give their kids proper names should be liable to intervention by Family Services and have their kids taken away.

Posted by: Mr. Stitch at July 12, 2011 10:04 PM

I suppose people can name their kids whatever they like, but I know for sure that the following are not on my list:

Madison, Reagan, Riley, Kiley, Miley, Tegan, or any other name that sounds like it should belong to some painted up blonde three-year-old in a pageant. I object to Reagan on the grounds that no child, particularly a girl, should be slapped with a moniker borrowed from a conservative president from the 80s. Presidential and historical nicknames are not all the way out, though, as I might consider Van Buren, Throckmorton, Tippecanoe, or Madeline Albright. Also Boadicea.

For boys, there will be absolutely no mention of Brayden, Jayden, Aiden, Grayden, Sladen, Baden, Fraden, Gaden, Maden, Spaden, Traden, or Zaden, or for that matter, Track, Trig, Tripp, Truck, Troop, Trail, or Trump. Trook might be okay. Certainly unique.

Little Boadicea Throckmorton and Trook Tippecanoe StoatCat. I like 'em.

Posted by: StoatCat at July 13, 2011 11:53 AM

Mr.and Mrs. Hogg named their daughter Ima in the early part of last century so branding your offspring and grooming them to hate you is not that new.

Posted by: kirbyjay at July 13, 2011 5:23 PM