A Case Study In Hotness: Perfect Ten Edition
Introduction and Purpose
I bet you didn’t know that the Scientific Community takes requests. Well, we do. We don’t see it as compromising our integrity, but, rather, as addressing the burning needs of the public. The in-demand subject today is an actor so well-loved, so talented, so incendiary that the Scientific Community had to search high and low to find his equal. So today we ask which Pajiba Ten Actor is the perfect 10.
A side by side comparison of the physical beauty of two Pajiba Ten males will yield concrete and empirical conclusions about their ability to set your Bunsen burner a-flame. Don’t question our methodology, it’s Science.
1. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
2. Timothy Olyphant
For the first trial in this experiment, we asked each subject to dress himself in whatever he thought would be the most likely to make us drop our lab coats.
Fig. 2: Olyphant presents all the aesthetically pleasing qualities of the mature male. Salt and pepper in the hair and forehead crinkles do nothing to detract from his beauty. The subject has chosen a slick, classic, all-black ensemble. While we must dock him a few points for the man jewelry we, The Scientific Community, heartily (and scientifically) approve of this look in general.
Fig. 3: Ah, young Mr. Gordon-Levitt has opted for a nerdier take on the “sexy” look. We are contractually obliged to find nerds hot, and we do, but the whimsically pushed up sleeve and untucked shirt tail seem a little forced. Even Mr. Gordon-Levitt himself looks unconvinced. Confidence, young man!
Fig. 4: Next we asked each subject to don their signature accessory. The Scientific Community is beginning to believe that Mr. Olyphant’s hats have magical powers. (Like in The Adjustment Bureau…oh shut up, we’re not the only ones who saw that.) Olyphant is undeniably better when glowering or grinning under a wide brim. Not everyone can pull this look off, and Olyphant does it effortlessly. Full marks.
Fig. 5: Mr. Gordon-Levitt, we’re fairly certain, has a “must wear vest” clause built into his contract. We would be wholly unsurprised, in fact, to learn that Mr. Gordon-Levitt has an entire closet packed floor to ceiling with vests. And we can’t blame him. Because they work. Obviously. JGL is exuding so much cool here he’s frosting up our goggles. We’d give him full marks except we must, as Scientists, subtract a few for that cancer stick a-dangling from his mouth.
Fig. 6: We thought that it would be a neat experiment to see how the two subjects compared when it came to facial hair. But then we got supremely embarrassed for JGL. That luxurious Olyphancy mustache is unbeatable. We’re throwing this particular trial out based on, um, unfairness.
Fig. 7: As we often do, we asked our subjects to grab a co-star of their choice. JGL snapped up the lovely Zooey Deschanel in a genuinely affectionate embrace whereas Olyphant snagged his Catch And Release co-star Jennifer Garner for a rather staged moment of frivolity. At its best, Olyphants grin is rather wolfish. Here it reeks of cheese. Advantage Gordon-Levitt.
When it comes down to it, these two are almost evenly matched. In charisma, in talent, in style. The real question, then, is do your prefer your men slim-hipped and boyish, or slightly more mature/brawny. Well, the Scientific Community ain’t getting any younger, so our choice is clear. Olyphant wins it by a greying temple.
Awwww, you guys, he’s overwhelmed!
So overwhelmed he had to…um…remove his shirt?
Joanna Robinson knows Even Stevens would prefer a JGL victory but think of it this way. More Gordon-Levitt for you. Happy birthday.
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