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10 Irish-Born Actors Who Can Get It, Ranked Objectively


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It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and a St. Paddy’s Day post feels somehow necessary. Here’s some Irish eye candy. It tastes great and it will get you drunk.

Note: To be included on the list, the actor or actress has to be Irish-born. Being born to Irish parents doesn’t count (sorry, Michael Fassbender), even if you moved back to Ireland when you were three, Saoirse Ronan.

10. Jamie Dornan — Terrible actor, but you know you would. (I didn’t even realize that Irish people could sweat!)

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9. Eve Hewson — Twice if she’s wearing her Dad’s The Fly sunglasses. “Lem-aaaawn.”

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8. Liam Neeson — You can go classy Academy Award winning style, loud and rough Taken style, or quick and dirty, like the Taken clones he does for paychecks.

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7. Nora-Jane Noone — Just don’t go with her into a cave (that’s not a metaphor).

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6. Colin Farrell — I bet he smells like cigarettes and sandalwood and fucks like an alcoholic. It’ll be the best three minutes of your life, and then he’ll fall asleep on top of you.

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5. Sarah Bolger — You’re thinking of In America instead of The Tudors or Once Upon a Time or Into the Badlands, aren’t you? No, no! Don’t cry! Not on St. Patrick’s Day!

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4. Domhnall Gleeson — You’ll never have a bad sexual experience, because if he’s awkward, clumsy and unsatisfying, he’ll just go back in time and do it again. You’ll never even realize how creepy that is!

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3. Ruth Negga — Trust me. After this summer’s Preacher, you’re going to be mad because she’s not number one.

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2. Cillian Murphy — Whatever you do, don’t make direct eye contact. All your fantasies may come true, but you may not survive it. In fact, we couldn’t use a close-up photo for fear of bending your souls.

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1. Caitriona Balfe — Even on St. Patrick’s, she’s way too much woman for any of you.

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