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Assessing Vin Diesel: Have Muscles, Will Use Them

By Agent Bedhead | Posted Under Career Assessments | Comments (32)



dieselsm.jpg

Subject: Vin Diesel, 43-year old American actor, director, and producer

Date of Assessment: April 27, 2011

Positive Buzzwords: Franchise, franchise, franchise

Negative Buzzwords: Lack of range, directing, writing

The Case: It’s hard to hate on someone who’s made quite a lot of use out of very limited talent, and damn if Vin Diesel hasn’t done just that in a very roundabout way. Back in 1994, Mark Vincent began his career as a writer and director of a short film called Multi-Facial (sadly, not a porn flick), in which he also starred. The short, which was a semi-autobiographical take on the life of a multi-racial actor, screened for the Cannes Film Festival but failed to make an impact with critics, distributors, or anywhere of even trivial importance. A few years later, Vincent made another lackluster attempt at cinematic triple duty with the feature-length Strays. At that point, someone in his life wisely encouraged him to just stick with acting, and he took that advice.

Aside from a few supporting roles (and not entirely terrible performances) in a couple of acclaimed movies (Saving Private Ryan; Boiler Room), Mark Vincent was soon eager to cast aside the “acting” aspect too and simply capitalize upon a newly-hatched action persona. That is to say, Mark Vincent suddenly transformed into action star Vin Diesel, who was more than ready for his first fifteen proverbial minutes of fame. All of a sudden, a fount of testosterone was loosed on the unsuspecting, theater-going public, and Vin was seemingly everywhere at once after experiencing some moderate box-office success with Pitch Black (the first of the Chronicles of Riddick films). Alas, a franchise was born and, in very short order, another one (Fast and the Furious) spawned, only to be quickly followed up with xXx. Then, Vin passed on the second Fast and the Furious movie with disastrous results.

Any time that Vin Diesel has attempted to break out of the franchise mold, he’s failed miserably: Find Me Guilty (travelogue, really?); Babylon A.D.; Knockaround Guys, A Man Apart; the straight-to-DVD Los Bandoleros; and, of course, The Pacifier. Let’s be perfectly frank here though and acknowledge that, with The Pacifier, Vin Diesel clearly intended to persuade the public that he was the rightful heir to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s muscle-bound throne. However, where Arnold could easily add humor to his repertoire (and it was already there within his action movies too), Diesel came off like a completely unaware numbskull without a trace of charisma beyond the ability to flex his muscles and tool around on a pink tricycle.

As such, Vin Diesel’s talents are basically limited to mindless franchises and only really a box-office phenomenon in one of The Fast and the Furious franchise, for which he appeared in the first movie; willfully passed upon the second movie; received an uncredited cameo in the third movie, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift; and inexplicably returned to a starring role in the fourth installment, Fast & Furious. Now, the franchise presents this weekend’s Fast Five. Beyond this phenomenon, The Chronicles of Riddick franchise (including Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick itself, along with voice work for the associated video games) only fared as a mediocre audience draw and didn’t even qualify for blockbuster territory. Now, the Fast and the Furious movies are an entirely different story, and if Vin sticks with this loyal niche audience, he’ll be able to survive at least a few more installments before his career implodes yet again.

Prognosis: Through a short-lived series of trial and error, Vin Diesel has realized exactly where his career needs to be in order to even exist. Truly, Vin cannot exist as a viable movie star outside of a franchise. That’s probably somewhat depressing for him to acknowledge, but he’s also got a hell of a way to cheer himself up; that is, the $15 million salary that he received in advance for the filming of Fast Five. In production, he’s got another delayed sequel (key word: franchise) in the works — xXx: The Return of Xander Cage, which follows the very respectably performing xXx that scored over $100 million back in 2002. Certainly, Vin aims to replicate what happened in 2009, when he returned with Fast & Furious, which scored a $70 million opening weekend, a $155 domestic take, and a $353 worldwide gross. Virtually no one could have predicted that Vin Diesel could make a comeback like that after being gone nearly a decade, so I imagine that the xXX franchise could very pick up right where it left off as well. Vin Diesel certainly doesn’t make the best movies out there, but the guy does possess a very significant core audience who is willing to shell out the money to watch him in his action-based capacity. Whether that capacity remains limited to street-racing fantasy flicks or still includes Xander Cage movies has yet to be seen.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at agentbedhead.com.









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Comments

When I was in college, I had a Vin Diesel xXx poster hanging in my bedroom. My roommates used this as an excuse to not let me have any influence over the household decor.

They probably had a valid point.

Still, the dude is scorching HOT. And I kind of LIKED The Pacifier. (Did I mention that I never got to choose the movies we watched, either?)

Posted by: Siege at April 27, 2011 2:20 PM

I'll always have a soft spot for Vin Diesel since he was the voice of The Iron Giant.

Posted by: zyzzyva at April 27, 2011 2:20 PM

I can't be the only one who thinks he is a complete gargoyle.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 27, 2011 2:22 PM

Wait, he was killed offscreen in the second xXx movie! Well, I guess there goes any sense of continuity in THAT extended universe. There will be all sorts of hell raised at all of this year's xXx conventions. I mean the one in Orlando is pretty laid back, but the hard core ones in Vegas and Akron where people argue about the exact chemical composition of Silent Night and if the night vision goggles used in the second movie were really the first generation version of the ones used in the first movie, thus rendering the entire idea of the agency having a quartermaster ludicrous are going to tear this apart. This is n't like one of the little errors where Vin's shaggy dog coat in the first movie was not in fact available in Eastern Europe until the following year, or the fact that the customized GTO had the 19" rims in most scenes but in the close up after the climatic chase it had the custom 22" with the support package. This goes to the heart of the xXx mythos and the fact that Xander and the Xander Zone were such an influential force in the world of the movie that his death would be a combination of the Pope and Johnny Depp dying in the same weekend. There's just no way back from this.

Unless it's about zombies. Which as those of us who know the xXx extended universe are aware is a distinct possibility.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at April 27, 2011 2:36 PM

You know why I can't ever truly dislike him?

"Hogarth - you stay. I go. No following."

Posted by: Exploding Head Syndrome at April 27, 2011 2:38 PM

Yeah, not a lot of range, but good enough for action movies. His bar fight in Knockaround Guys was good, both for being timed to Midnight at the Oasis and because it was close to what would really happen if a small town bully met a professional thug. Not pretty, but worth watching because of that.

Posted by: Reba at April 27, 2011 2:49 PM

I thought Vin was gonna be a star after Pitch Black and Fast and Furious 1. Not an actor a star. Well I was half right? He's got 2 franchises sorta maybe....

I'm not such a good judge of talent. I also said Sam Elliot was gonna be a star and Gary Busey.

Elliot was just born 30 years too late and Busey is crazy.... who knew?

Posted by: logan at April 27, 2011 2:54 PM

Better than Lost? You so crazy!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 27, 2011 3:01 PM

Sorry, I posted on the wrong thread due to profound insanity on Joanna's part.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 27, 2011 3:03 PM

Apparently Mrs. J is drinking a bit earlier today... :)

Posted by: logan at April 27, 2011 3:18 PM

I do what I have to TO GET THROUGH MY DAY!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 27, 2011 3:32 PM

I'm with Exploding Head Syndrome on this one.

"Superman"

Posted by: ShagEaredVillain at April 27, 2011 3:33 PM

I'm inclined to agree with this assessment, except I found "Find Me Guilty" to be a pretty good film. I actually think he did a more than capable job in it. Too bad he doesn't do more films like that, I really think he should. He had something there, and I think more can be done with it.

Oh, and I'd like to shag him rotten baby, yeah!

Posted by: Rest In Peace at April 27, 2011 4:00 PM

Am I the only person who saw "Find me Guilty" or just the only one who enjoyed it? I found it amusing and endearing, and I thought Vin did a good job. He surprised me, actually.

Beyond that, though, I just have to say I find him mind-explodingly hot and if it weren't for him, I might never have discovered my love of mindless action films.

It took me a while, though. I really didn't like him, or even understand why people found him attractive at first. Now though.... let's just say I'll be seeing Fast 5 in the theatre without my boyfriend.

Posted by: JGirl at April 27, 2011 4:08 PM

Oh hey, look. I'm not the only one. Thanks, @Rest In Peace. It's good not to be alone. Heh.

Posted by: JGirl at April 27, 2011 4:12 PM

Oh, if we're discussing his fuckability, then deal me in. He's lick-worthy, and I like his gravelly voice.

I also liked Find Me Guilty, though I thought he showed more chops with less screen time in Boiler Room.

Posted by: Reba at April 27, 2011 4:45 PM

I own a copy of Find Me Guilty. I think it's great. Anytime you can get me to sympathize with the "bad guy" I'm in. He was great. Here here on Boiler Room as well. Pitch Black was a great low budget flick, and I'm convinced that the rough outline was as far as they got before they started filming the sequel.

Posted by: grendel at April 27, 2011 5:47 PM

Count me in, I also think he is hot. I love his muscles and his voice.

Posted by: Melody Be at April 27, 2011 6:08 PM

Minor correction no one cares about: Los Bandeleros wasn't an attempt to break out of anything. It was a short film he made specifically for the new Fast and Furious DVD that tied the movies together.

Posted by: Repo at April 27, 2011 7:24 PM

Re: his gravelly voice - I concur. Oh Christ do I concur, and hard.

"Lick-worthy" is my new favorite term, and will be incorporated into my vocabulary starting NOW. Thanks Reba!

Posted by: Rest In Peace at April 27, 2011 7:46 PM

The problem with franchises is that often the original film wasn't meant to be more than a great film on its own. I doubt First Blood ever intended for their to be a sequel, much less a franchise. Same with Back to the Future, despite the ending which straight-up projected a sequel which didn't occur until they ran out of ideas with the second film.

I always liked Vin in the indyish Pitch Black but think the rest of the franchise blows. I thought he was ok in the ok Fast and Furious, but the rest of that franchise blows too. I'm sure it's de rigueur now to imagine every film being made is a potential franchise and just like science altering the results of an experiment simply by observing it, the knowing has to influence the making.

Posted by: Protoguy at April 27, 2011 9:22 PM

oy, I guess I'm in the minority here...I find Vin Diesel to be utterly un-sexy. It's the way he talks--I guess I'm the only one who thinks "neanderthal" when I hear the sleepy, dumb manner in which he delivers lines.
It's funny...Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has had a similar film career, and I pretty much hate most mindless action movies. Yet, I find Dwayne infinitely more charming and "lickable" than this Diesel dude, simply because he actually seems like he is capable of holding an intelligent conversation not revolving around boobs, explosions, and crappy rock music.

Posted by: Jessie at April 27, 2011 9:22 PM

I don't consider myself a Vin Diesel fan, but I can't really hate the guy. Liked "Boiler Room", like the fact that he's actually a D&D, WoW nerd, and people upthread have reminded me about "Iron Giant". I'm embarrassed that I forgot, and for this, Mark Vincent Diesel gets a pass for life, yo.

"SOO-PER-MAAAN..."

Fuckin' a, bubba. Fuckin' a.

Posted by: Green Lantern at April 27, 2011 10:44 PM

I like the guy, but probably in supporting roles. But, I have the feeling he thinks he should be the lead actor. So far I don't see it either.

Posted by: mechadave at April 27, 2011 10:48 PM

I went to the cinema on Monday, left my brain in the cup-holder and managed to not hate Fast 5, mostly because I was wondering what kind of weird genetic shenanigans had turned the Rock into a human-goat hybrid with no neck.
When I got home, the last half-hour of Waterworld was on the TV. Man, that's a shitty movie - was Kevin Costner's character meant to be played as if he were functionally retarded?
Anyway, it wasn't until the end credits rolled that I realised David Twohy wrote the damn thing. Same guy who wrote Pitch Black. Which got me thinking, because I liked Pitch Black, but it's just Waterworld with monsters, the plug pulled out and the lights off.

So, given that Riddick and the Mariner are basically the same person, do you think Waterworld would not have sucked quite as much if Diesel had played the role instead of Coster?

Posted by: ScienceGeek at April 27, 2011 11:23 PM

There was sooooo much more wrong with Waterworld than Costner that its not even a valid question.

World covered in un-drinkable water yet people still live?
World covered in water yet people have cloths made of fabric.
World covered in water and yet there is somehow gas?
World covered in water and fish and seaweed are the only food and people still live?
World covered in water and Costner somehow manages to have explosive material to blow up fish from the inside, while holding bomb himself and not only survives but manages to salvage said blown up fish parts for din din.
World covered in water and Costner has Jeanne Tripplehorn on his boat in the middle of the water covered world and somehow does not plow that till sunset.

Posted by: Protoguy at April 27, 2011 11:49 PM

Nice, Protoguy. Especially that last part.

I'd have to back up Mrs. J in thinking he's a gargoyle. But I've heard stories of what a repugnant jerk he is in real life to affect my judgement.

Posted by: Uda at April 28, 2011 3:40 AM

To me, he will always be the poor man's Dwayne Johnson. Which becomes even more apparent when they're in the same movie.

The Rock at least has charisma, Vin Diesel has - well.

Posted by: Vanessa at April 28, 2011 4:49 AM

Protoguy- You forgot: World covered in water and some people still can't swim?

I should check out Find Me Guilty and Boiler Room sometime, you Pajibans have rarely led me down poor paths.

Posted by: LEROOOY at April 28, 2011 10:40 AM

He was *terrific* in Boiler Room, and if only his friend Dame Judi Dench - true, apparently - could steer him to less knuckle-headed roles I do believe he could show himself to be a decent actor.

Posted by: Toby at April 28, 2011 2:45 PM

The man actually wears his geek cred on his sleeve. Or, specifically, his stomach. That "Malkor" tattoo on his stomach in xXx is the name of an old D&D character.

And he wrote the into to the 30 Years of Adventure: A Celebration of Dungeons & Dragons...

Posted by: longcoat000 at April 28, 2011 7:29 PM

I must be the only person who really likes "The Chronicles of Riddick". My wife will walk in while it's on (I have it on DVD) and start grilling me about why I'm watching it again. I even keep holding out hope whenever I read that Diesel is trying to get the script for 'Riddick' the way he wants it.

Am I really the only one?

Posted by: sock puppet at April 28, 2011 11:36 PM