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Assessing Sarah Jessica Parker: A Glorified Clothes Hanger

By Agent Bedhead | Posted Under Career Assessments | Comments (48)



sjpsatc1.jpg

Subject: Sarah Jessica Parker, 46-year old American actress

Date of Assessment: September 14, 2011

Positive Buzzwords: Romcom, theater, L.A. Story

Negative Buzzwords: Romcom, fashionista, limited range

The Case: Let’s just get this out of the way upfront — please do not refer to Sarah Jessica Parker as a “horseface” in the comments. We are here to speak of her acting career and are going to do just that; unfortunately, SJP makes it difficult to do just that, but try to restrain yourselves.

Sarah Jessica Parker began her career as a very promising stage actress while appearing in The Sound of Music and snagging the lead role on Broadway’s Annie. She went on to television and still warms hearts by the virtue of one season’s worth of “Square Pegs.” Subsequently, she moved into unavoidably cheesy 1980s movies like Footloose and Girls Just Want to Have Fun as well as several short-lived stints on television and a bunch of made-for-tv movies. In doing so, SJP made the rare successful transition from child star to adult actress. She is still remembered most fondly, perhaps, for her role as SanDeE* of the high colonics L.A. Story and for her work in Honeymoon in Vegas. At that point, SJP was still adorably quirky and lovable for her approachable, non-threatening aura.

Then, she fell into a romantic comedy rut with the likes of If Lucy Fell, ‘Til There Was You, Life Without Dick, and many more. Although I thought SJP was hilariously perfect in The First Wives Club, and she tried to shake things up a bit with the semi-suspenseful Extreme Measures, SJP was destined to return to romcom dreck. All of the offbeat movies in the world — Hocus Pocus; Ed Wood; and Mars Attacks! — couldn’t stop the inevitable return towards more chick flick-esque territory. Yet I will say that the first four seasons (out of a total of six) of
“Sex and the City” were at least slightly subversive enough to make an HBO audience feel like they were watching something at least slightly intelligent, but then the tail end of the series plus two reprehensible Sex and the City movies destroyed all goodwill towards “everygirl” Carrie Bradshaw. SJP will always revert to mindless fluff like Failure to Launch and Did You Hear About the Morgans?, and she’ll do it for the huge romcom paychecks. Not that there’s anything wrong with going for the money — just don’t claim to be a “great actor” when your true purpose in life is as a glorified clothes hanger.

Prognosis: Sarah Jessica Parker has other formulaic-looking movie, I Don’t Know How She Does It (which looks like a lot like “SATC” only SJP is playing Miranda), coming out this weekend, and she’ll make the inevitable turn (with the rest of Hollywood) in the upcoming New Year’s Eve. In addition, she’s got a bunch of romcoms in development, but I doubt her status as an A-list leading lady will continue much longer because SJP possesses absolutely no range outside of the romcom genre, and people will eventually tire of watching her play the same role. While the second Sex and the City movie didn’t fare nearly as well at the box office as its predecessor, Parker herself has insisted that a third film is likely in the cards at some point. Further, she’ll always have money rolling in from her inevitable producing gigs, including a rumored “SATC” prequel movie, a prequel television series set to air on the CW, and continuing royalties that will roll in from TBS reruns too. Truly, she’s got a bank account to be envied but no substance to show for it.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.









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Comments

Yeahhhhhh...


God help me I still sometimes find old tree-roots-arms kinda amiable.

Posted by: zeke the pig at September 14, 2011 2:14 PM

DAMN! It would of been funny if no one commented because of the "Equineface" ban

Posted by: logan at September 14, 2011 2:17 PM

I think my first exposure to Sarah Jessica Parker was in Hocus Pocus, but it let me one of those "Hold up. SHE's in this?" moments when I later watched Flight of the Navigator.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at September 14, 2011 2:20 PM

I dislike her so much it's bizarre. I know this because I can't even articulate WHY I hate her so much, I just do. It's like even though I recognize it's borderline irrational, I am powerless to stop it.

Posted by: Repo at September 14, 2011 2:26 PM

Horse face horse face horseface

Posted by: Andyd at September 14, 2011 2:31 PM

Hey, people flocked to the theater to watch Cary Grant and William Powell play the same character for decades. And 20% of the American Population eat at McDonald's every day. When my hubby goes to Starbucks, he order either one of his two favorite drinks. People know what they like and return to that known quantity regularly. So, don't underestimate SJP's staying power.

Posted by: spljt at September 14, 2011 2:36 PM

Isn't sort of "meta" that she morphed into the fashion icon type based on her character in SATC when pretty much everything she wore in that show was hideous?
We had a drinking game in our house (in the early seasons: gave up on the show in later ones) where we took a drink every time she showed up in something that looked like a rejected clown outfit. Monday mornings were very headachy back then.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 14, 2011 2:38 PM

I can't watch anything she is in. But I don't have that strong hatred of her. That Heigl/Paltrow level. SJP just seems...to be...nothing. I think my affection for Square Pegs 30 years ago gave her some break.

Posted by: Sean at September 14, 2011 2:46 PM

I have no particular opinion about her and think she's a mediocre actress at best but she has excellent manners. She truly is extraordinarily polite and that's appealing to me. I know it's not relevant so there's no need to tell me.

Posted by: LJ at September 14, 2011 2:47 PM

Andyd wins the prize!
The prize is never having to come back here again!

And everyone rejoiced.

Posted by: Alabaster Salamander at September 14, 2011 2:49 PM

She looks like a foot.

Posted by: The Kilted Yaksman at September 14, 2011 2:52 PM

Gotta agree with spljt on this one... we Americans love our familiarity. And I like SJP. I never understood the whole thing about her being ugly. I've always thought she was quite pretty. And I'd stab a b*tch to have the body she had in Honeymoon in Vegas. I literally prayed as a child to have her body when she walked out in that white dress. Damn Godtupus... I never got my prayer answered.

Posted by: Double R at September 14, 2011 2:54 PM

I think most people hate SJP because it's been fashionable to do so since the last season of SATC. I can't speak to her true range because I haven't seen the times she's played against type off-Broadway (something she appears to have given up since she married Mr. Big-Time Broadway Guy).

Posted by: Jerry at September 14, 2011 2:57 PM

She was also great as Baby in Dirty Dancing.

Posted by: Kerminy at September 14, 2011 2:59 PM

I liked Hocus Pocus, but her character was kind of a dark horse.

Posted by: Craig at September 14, 2011 3:01 PM

Yet another actress people (aka Pajibans) seem to loathe but I don't understand why. It's one thing if you consider a mediocre actress (which is the point of the post, I guess) but the "horseface" comments and such are just silly. If you don't find her attractive, fine, but the frequent attacks on her looks in the comments are just boring.
It's kind of like when people complain that women of a certain age or weight don't get roles in Hollywood, but here you have someone who is fairly average looking, over 40, seems like a decent person and is totally harmless who had a successful TV show and is doing some light and fluffy rom-coms. I don't get the vitriol.
I, for one, am just happy she never got a nose job.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at September 14, 2011 3:10 PM

It's true that she doesn't have a lot of range, but she can be very good when playing offbeat characters (to go with her offbeat looks). She WAS great in LA Story, and she made me laugh out loud several times in Ed Wood and in Mars Attacks. And she was good in SATC too when it focused more on the comedy and less on the fashion. The romcoms are shite, but if we hate actresses on that basis alone, we need to add a lot of Pajiba favorites (like the vastly overrated Anne Hathaway) to the list.

Posted by: jimbob at September 14, 2011 3:12 PM

Like Sean, I utterly loathe Paltrow and Heigl but bear no bad will towards SJP.
I don't watch her movies because I hate rom-coms, but some people like 'em so Hollywood's going to keep making them. Can't hate a girl for taking a multi-million dollar paycheque if it's being offered.
Adorable husband (gay or not, who cares), her kids are cute, I hate the way she dresses but it doesn't affect me, and she doesn't get all Paltrow-y in interviews.
Plus, there's something nice about the fact that though people are really shitty about her facial features, she's just like "Screw you all" and hasn't changed them.
I think maybe everyone's hating on her somehow made me feel kind of sorry for her rich, white girl, funny-dressed ass.

Posted by: Joey Jo Jo Jr at September 14, 2011 3:12 PM

why is she even that ( clothing hanger)? When her style is horrible and everything she wears is so horribly mismatched it makes my eyes ache?

That header above is really a wonderful example. Dior sweatshirt with tutu? WTF?

Posted by: sara at September 14, 2011 3:13 PM

I've never understood the hate for SJP either. Do people confuse her with Carrie Bradshaw? Do they realize Carrie is a character and not how SJP is in real life? I don't get it.

You hit it right on the head, she's best when she's offbeat/quirky. But I did love her on "Sex and the City" until Carrie cheated on Aidan and then I wanted to smack her and tell her to grow up. And the less said about that horrible sequel, the better.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 14, 2011 3:32 PM

I loved her in Miami Rhapsody and Honeymoon in Vegas. People always talk about her looks, but in those films she had a few extra pounds on her which made a huge difference. It wasn't just that she was younger, the extra weight made her attractive. Even my husband said so, which is saying something.
I don't think she is a bad actress at all. In some episodes of SATC when she cried it was genuine. When she was supposed to be sexy, she came off more like cute and funny. Knowing if she could make someone laugh it might get her laid, like a guy which I totally respected.
As a person, she dated Robert Downey Jr. in his Less Than Zero days.
She rocks the curls when NOBODY does.
She was in Footloose and pretty much gives her a pass for the rest of her life.

Posted by: daria at September 14, 2011 4:20 PM

I gotta say, I like SJP. I don't worship her and her clothes on "Sex and the City" were mostly fugly (not sure how much of that was her fault and how much that Patricia Fields chick; SJP was the exec producer of that show, so she must have been pretty OK with the clothes), so I've never signed on to her being some sort of impeccable fashion icon, but as an actress, she's OK and as a personality, I find her kinda delightful. She is always an entertaining interview. She doesn't slouch onstage and then act like she'd rather be getting a barbed wire enema than appearing on a talk show, she's always funny and charming.

As for the face, she wears too much makeup, esp. eye makeup. It makes her eyes look tiny. And sometimes her hairstyle makes her face look inordinately long - yes, more so than it normally does, for those who are thinking, "No, it's her face that makes her face look inordinately long." And she is too skinny.

But other than that, SJP is cool in my book. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hear that.

Posted by: Slash at September 14, 2011 4:35 PM

She's probably a very nice lady in real life, but FUCK, her actressing is the WORST! In every movie she will do all the following: Scream in shock, raise one eyebrow, stick tongue out slightly when its time to be sexy. Learn some new moves bitch, you're almost 50 years old! Its not cute!

Posted by: Peepants at September 14, 2011 4:36 PM

I remember seeing her in costume for SATC and being interviewed and she said, "Who dresses like this?", so she knew it was insane.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 14, 2011 4:57 PM

I love her. I even like her outfit in the header.

Posted by: nix at September 14, 2011 4:58 PM

I don't get the hate. She's not conventionally pretty, and she hasn't tried to make herself look like anybody else through plastic surgery. She's in her 40's and still getting leading roles. I'd say she's winning at the game.

As far as fast food acting is concerned, I'm a huge Cary Grant fan, and yes, I like it when he plays the Cary Grant persona. I get it that actors want to show some range and do different roles, but often the money is giving the audience the persona they've grown to love.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 14, 2011 5:01 PM

Did anyone mention her role as the young ingenue Val Kilmer takes under his wing in "Real Genius"? No? Well, it's my favorite of SJP's roles.

Posted by: Rob at September 14, 2011 5:56 PM

I *LOVED* her in The First Wives Club. Even after I started watching SATC it took me a while to realize it was SJP playing Shelley. That role was perfect for her; kudos to the casting team.

People complain about her looks a lot, but I say more power to her. It's refreshing to see someone who doesn't have the classic Hollywood beauty getting leading roles in romcoms. She may have limited range as an actor, but that's very common these days. I'm not saying that makes it okay, I'm just saying it's harder to notice her among the big puddle of mediocrity.

And yeah, I hated Carrie in the last two seasons of SATC.

Posted by: Sofia at September 14, 2011 7:26 PM

I like her. She's really kind of harmless when you disconnect her from the whole SATC movie bullshit, and she's always been likable and doesn't seem like she's all up her own ass like so many other actresses. Yeah, she dresses kind of like an idiot sometimes but fashion is insane and she seems to be having fun.

They need to stop making those damn movies, though.

Oh! And she was in one other of the worst movies I've ever seen, The Family Stone. A movie so bad not even Rachel McAdams could save it. But...SJP was kind of cute in it.

Posted by: Figgy at September 14, 2011 7:33 PM

Look. I think the horse face thing is fair game. She called herself that in Ed Wood. She was reading an article about herself (or her character) at the time but it's still fair game. I can't help it.

It's either that or I start neighing every time I see her picture. I don't like to type the word 'neigh', it's awkward

Posted by: Candy at September 14, 2011 8:33 PM

P.S. I loved Square Pegs. Was it really only one season? I was really little when it was on but I do remember her from that. That's my first memory of her.

Posted by: Candy at September 14, 2011 8:36 PM

I don't hate her because of her looks or her acting ability. I hate her because she provides cover to a certain type of woman who, while not confined to the US, is definitely identified as an "American" type -- shallow, spendy, and unhealthily obsessed with aging. There is no wisdom to be gleaned from her characters, other than how to succeed within the rules, thus reinforcing them.

Posted by: sansho1 at September 14, 2011 9:56 PM

People hate her because she isn't pretty, yet she is successful and likeable. Makes them feel shitty about how little they've been able to accomplish.

Posted by: stump at September 14, 2011 10:40 PM

She gets a free pass for State and Main. Also, people need to get over the fashion stuff. Who cares.

Posted by: tGb at September 14, 2011 10:59 PM

I should be all over this one but ... I dunno. She has the bangin' body and she has great hair, and there's no way in hell I would ever voluntarily watch a single snippet of any of her movies. That said, she gets the "not conventionally pretty" thing here when I don't find her even remotely pretty at all. That's not her fault, I guess, but she's involved with a lot of endorsements that try to foist upon me the idea that she's gorgeous, and she's just ... not, and I wish product-pushers would quit trying to tell me she is. I don't blame her for taking the shampoo and makeup money, though.

Posted by: , at September 15, 2011 12:10 AM

She gets a permanent pass with me because she was in the Strangers With Candy Movie. She was the best guidance counselor ever. If it weren't for that I would have been done with her after the first few seasons of SITC.

Posted by: jjrox at September 15, 2011 12:21 AM

I think the reason I don't care for her is that she's constantly being touted as some beauty, or that she has great fashion sense or some such rot.

Sorry, but...no.

And I, too, have very fond memories of Square Pegs. Wish I could find it somewhere as it always put a smile on my face.

Though, of late, I wonder what happened to the other one. The one refered to as "fang".

Posted by: Uncle JR at September 15, 2011 3:11 AM

I hate her because she provides cover to a certain type of woman who, while not confined to the US, is definitely identified as an "American" type -- shallow, spendy, and unhealthily obsessed with aging.

My thoughts exactly, sansho1. The way obsessive consumerism is sold as independence in her roles makes me want to puke.

Posted by: Qualtinger at September 15, 2011 5:50 AM

I don't hate all of her. But the trailer for How Does She Do It makes me very stabbity. Like it's freakin' miracle that a woman can have a job and a family.

Any movie where she plays a shallow character and we're meant to find her adorable is one I'm going to fucking hate.

Posted by: Wednesday at September 15, 2011 7:56 AM

I don't think SJP is ugly, just too thin. When women whose bodies aren't naturally thin get past, say 35 and are desperately trying to stay thin they get a creepy looking

It just kind of makes me sad to look at her

I think she's actually a very capable comedienne and I'd love to see her in stuff that doesn't suck

Posted by: Park at September 15, 2011 10:59 AM

I like SJP. I hate her fashion sense. I hated SATC 2 and I hated her mole ( thankfully gone, it was very disconcerting) but I find her likable and she can be funny, and DAMN she was gorgeous in Honeymoon in Vegas.

Posted by: kirbyjay at September 15, 2011 11:31 AM

well, of course everyone hates Carrie Bradshaw? she's a barf bag of a human being?

But SJP? Will always be that dreamy-eyed girl who wanted to go on Dance TV with Helen Hunt...

Posted by: ugh god at September 15, 2011 5:45 PM

Posted by: XiuFetish at September 16, 2011 3:16 AM

I like her. I loved her in Hocus Pocus and The First Wives Club and I love the first few seasons of SaTC. She's pretty to me, too. I would love to have those eyes, hair and body...

I don't get what all the hate is about. To each his/her own.

Posted by: kayla at September 16, 2011 7:00 PM

He,This is a great and usefull blog.Keep up the good work.

Posted by: thunder tiger at September 21, 2011 8:10 PM

i so love sarah, although she's old now but time made her look so regal. I mean whatever you may say against her, but i think she's a ten when it come's to fashion. She maybe thin but she definitely know how to use it. Hate her all you want but you can't change the fact that she's famous and beautiful!

Posted by: female mannequin eve at September 26, 2011 11:16 AM

请问您能看得出什么意思么,如果看不出请通过如何,不要翻译拉!

Posted by: Spiral wound gaskets at September 30, 2011 10:07 AM

I couldnt agree with you more and Im quite happy someone at last came out and said this. Thanks for the wisdom, Paul

Posted by: Yevette Zurita at November 7, 2011 3:55 AM